Between Now and Goodbye (28 page)

'So you'd use him simply because you want someone to take you to parties?' I'm close to snapping at her, but I can't help it. She's going to hurt Charles again, and I don't want that to happen. He deserves to be with someone who can really love him. Who will treat him right, and be there for him, who will listen to him when he needs to talk. Not someone who will use him as an accessory.

'No.' She looks annoyed now, but not half as annoyed as I'm feeling. 'No, that's not it, you don't have to make it sound quite so shallow.'

I'm on the brink of fully snapping at her that she shouldn't act so shallow, if she doesn't want people to see her that way, but I bite my tongue and wait for her to say something else. She takes a few more sips of tea, and I can see her thinking hard. I wonder if she's trying to find the words to make this sound better than it does.

'I want him back because I think maybe I gave up on us too quickly.' She replies.

'Do you really mean that Julie, or is this just some game to you?' I ask her, 'Because I don't want to see him getting hurt.'

'What about me?' She snaps, 'You don't mind if I get hurt?'

'Of course I do.' I sigh, 'But in this situation, you're the one who broke his heart. You walked away from the relationship, and you did it because you were bored. Now you want him back because you say you miss him. You want him back, but only until the end of summer. If you go to him, you have to make sure he knows that.'

'That's ridiculous. If I tell him that I'm going to end things again in a few weeks, then there's no way he'll jump back into our relationship.'

'Then maybe you shouldn't be jumping back into your relationship.' I advise her. 'He's getting over you Julie, please think about what you're doing.'

'I am thinking about it. I've been thinking about it, and I know what I want.'

'What about what he wants?' I ask.

'He wants to be with me.' She says with a roll of her eyes, 'He came to me when I broke up with him, and he told me that he loved me and he was going to fight for me.'

'That was weeks ago, and he's had time and space to think...I don't want you to get your hopes up.'

'He won't turn me down.' She smiles, 'It's sweet of you to worry, but he won't turn me down.'

'I don't like this,' I get up out of bed and reach for my overnight bag, 'you're going to start seeing him again, just to end things all over again at the end of August. It's not right.'

'Don't get all protective of him Libby, he's a big boy and he can decide on his own if he wants to get back together with me.'

'Yeah, you're right.' I storm off into the bathroom and change quickly. I don't bother with a shower, or even running a brush through my hair. I even forget to brush my teeth in my hurry. I just pull on my black shorts, a baggy white top and slide my feet into my sandals.

When I return to her room, Julie is lying back on her own bed, and she's looking over at me with an annoyed expression.

'You really do think he's a better friend than me, don't you?'

'Sometimes,' I say, hauling my bag over my shoulder, 'yes I really do.'

'You can't tell him that I'm planning on taking him back. You're still my friend, and if you went behind my back and told him, that would be a betrayal.' She says and I know that she's right. She is my friend, even if she's making me angry so often this summer.

'I won't tell him.' I say reluctantly, because it's killing me that I have to keep it from him. It's killing me that he may take her back, because I don't want to see him getting hurt again.

Thirty Five – Charles

Libby and I are up on the roof. She came over here when she got back from Julie's this morning, and we've been sitting up here for the past twenty minutes. I know that something is bothering her, because the bowl of ice cream that she brought up here, has been left to melt in the hot sun.

She's lying on her back, with her eyes closed and her hands folded over her stomach. The gentle rise and fall of her breathing is slow but not in a rhythm that would tell me she's asleep. She's awake, but something isn't quite right.

Suddenly her eyes fly open and she sees me watching her. A warm blush creeps over her cheeks, and she sits up and hugs her knees to her chest.

'I've been thinking,' she says quickly, 'if Julie decided she wanted you back, what would you do?'

'That was a little random.' I say, trying to catch her eye, but she won't look at me. I wonder if Julie said something this morning. Could it be possible that Julie's decided she's not over me?

'It was just a thought.' She replies, but she still won't look at me. Instead, she's looking at the melted ice cream. Lifting the spoon up and letting the liquid run back down into the bowl. 'Would you take her back?'

'I...' I look out towards the water, 'if you'd asked me that a couple weeks ago, I would have said yes.'

'Now?' She looks at me now.

'Now,' I say slowly, 'I don't think I could go back to that.'

'You don't?'

'I loved her, I really did.' I reply, 'But now that I've been apart from her, I can see things as they really were, and she didn't love me.'

'Char she...'

'No, it's ok, I know it and you know it, and I think everyone around us knew it. She didn't love me, she just...I don't know, she loved that I loved her.'

'Are you ok?'

'Oddly, yes.' I nod. 'I'm glad that I can see now that it wasn't a good relationship. I'm grateful to her for ending things, because otherwise I would have spent far too long with the wrong person, trying to make it work. I think for a while now, I wasn't really in love with her, but I didn't realize it until things ended. Now I can see how much she tried to change me, how much she didn't believe I was enough for her. I can see that she's not the kind of person I could ever be with again.'

'So I guess that in a way it's a good thing that she broke your heart.' Libby says quietly, a small smile forming.

'In a weird way, yes.' I laugh.

'Well then I'm happy for you.'

'Thank you.' I smile, 'So are you going to tell me what made you suddenly ask me that?'

'I can't.' She replies, 'I shouldn't have even said this much.'

'Then why did you?' I ask. She catches my eye and smiles.

'Because you're my best friend, and I really didn't want to see you get hurt again.' She replies, 'You've got enough going on, so I just wanted to make sure that if she comes to you...I wanted to make sure she wasn't going to mess with your head.'

'You think she would?' I ask.

'I don't know what to think any more. Sometimes it feels like I don't know a thing about her.' Libby lays back down. 'I keep trying to see the good side of her, but more and more this summer, I'm starting to wonder if it's even there anymore.'

'She's used to getting her own way,' I reply, 'I think that's made her feel like she doesn't have to care about how she gets things, or who she hurts.'

'Yeah.' Libby says quietly.

'She brought you home this summer, and she's hardly spent any time with you.'

'Yeah, she's been so tied up with this project with Carly.' Libby closes her eyes again, 'The thing is, I don't actually mind. Every time I was with her recently, I've ended up getting annoyed, or angry, or upset, or frustrated.'

'Yeah,' I nod, 'I know what you mean.'

'Have we both just been really bl
ind this whole time? Has she always been this selfish and manipulative?'

'I don't know.' I shrug, 'I loved her, and I've known her my whole life. I think at some point she was...nicer.'

'Yeah.' Libby shakes her head, 'I feel bad talking about her like this. She's still our friend, right?'

'Right.' I nod, but more and more I'm starting to wonder if I can ever be close with Julie again.

Libby didn't come out in so many words that Julie had mentioned wanting to get back together with me, but she said enough, that I know what to expect when Julie shows up at my house later that day.

She's all dressed up in a sparkly frilled dress with strings of pearls weaved into her hair.

'Hi,' she smiles at me widely, 'how are you?'

'Fine.' I say, stepping off my porch and onto the lawn. I glance towards Libby's house and wonder if she's watching out of her lounge window. I can't see any movement, so I suppose she's probably busy somewhere else.

'Good.' She grins, 'Can we...talk?'

'Sure.' I nod and lead her round into the back yard. She sits down on one of the chairs and I stay standing.

'These last three weeks apart,' she says licking her lips, 'it's given me a lot of time to think.'

'I know, me too.' I say.

'And what I've been thinking is that I was stupid,' she looks up at me, 'can you sit down please?'

'I'd rather stay standing.' I reply.

'Ok,' she sucks in a breath, 'well like I said, I think that breaking up with you was a stupid, impulsive decision, and I'm sorry that I hurt you.'

'Apology accepted.'

'That's not all.' She giggles, 'Charles,' she smiles sweetly but something about it feels like she's acting. How is it I never saw that before? ' I'm ready to take you back. I was stupid before, and I needed a little time to breathe, but now that's done and I'm ready to be your girlfriend again.'

'Julie,' I don't want to hurt her so I need to tread carefully here, 'I've had a lot of time to think as well, and I don't think that it's a good idea.'

'What isn't?' She looks baffled, but she isn't stupid by any mean. I know that she knows what I'm talking about.

'I don't think it's a good idea that we get back together.' I reply.

'But...Charles, I know that I hurt you, but I'm sorry about that and I'm willing to put it behind us. I'm willing to be your girlfriend again.'

'Willing?' I ask with a raised eyebrow. 'Julie, I don't want someone who's willing to be my girlfriend. I want someone who actually loves me. Who wants to be with me, and isn't just willing to be with me.'

'I could love you.'

'Could,' I shake my head, 'Julie we were together for eight months and through that time you told me that you did love me, and now it's just a could? I can't do that. I loved you...'

'Loved?' She blinks rapidly. I sigh and sit down across from her.

'Yeah.' I say quietly, 'I did love you, but now...'

'You can't have gotten over me. You love me, you adore me.'

'Julie,' I shake my head, 'I did, but this time apart has allowed me to think and I've...'

'No.' Julie shouts, 'no I was supposed to come over here and we were supposed to get back together.'

'I just don't feel the same way about you as I did at the start of summer. You were right to end things, we weren't as happy as we were at the start. I thought I was but I wasn't. You need to find someone that you're happy with.'

'I was...'

'No,' I shake my head again, 'you weren't. If you were happy with me, then you wouldn't have tried to change me.'

'Is that was this is about?' She laughs, 'I was trying to make you better.'

'That's the thing,' I say with more confidence than I feel like I hold, 'I like the way I am, and I don't want to be with someone who feels I need to be made better. I'd like to find someone who will love me for who I am.'

'You won't find someone as good as me, trust me you were dating above your league with me.'

'Julie don't.' I get up. 'Someday you'll find someone, and you'll fall in love with them exactly as they are, and I don't want to see you mess it up by acting like this.'

'Like what?'

'Like you're superior.' I reply.

'But I a...'

'Julie you have money and opportunities in life that people like me won't ever have, but that doesn't make you a better person. It just makes you more fortunate.' I say. 'I hope you can see that before you push too many people away.'

'Why are you doing this?'

'Because I care about you.' I reply, 'You've always been one of my closest friends, and even if that can't last. I don't want to see you get hurt.'

'Why would I get hurt?' She snaps, 'It's not like I love you. You turning me down is nothing.'

'No,' I laugh quietly, 'I don't suppose it is anything to you, but one day you will love someone, and if you act like this, then maybe they won't love you back.'

'Have you fallen for someone else? Is that why you won't take me back?' Julie asks. 'Because whoever it is, they're not better than me.'

'No, there's nobody else.' I reply, 'But someday there will be, someday we'll both meet people who we can love for who they are, and we won't want to change them or feel we have to change because of them.'

'Did I really make you that miserable?' She gets up now as well, crossing her arms over her chest and looking far from impressed.

'I wasn't miserable. That's the thing, I didn't realize how bad our relationship was until it was over.' I shrug, 'I'm sorry Julie, but I can't start over with you. I'd like to remain friends, we've been friends for such a long time, but I can't go back to anything more than that, ok?'