Bittersweet Deceit (22 page)

“In what context?
”

“I was listening to Daniel Wesley live. Do you know his stuff?”

“I don’t.”

“I’ll play
my favorites for you some other time. Anyway, I remembered how much fun the concert we went to was, and thought that I would like to do it again. Honestly, it was with the caveat that we sort out our friendship.”

He held my hand between his two palms infusing his energy into me. “I know a perfect way to sort out our friendship.”

“I have no doubt you do. You have a depressed woman in front of you and you’re still flirting!”

“Lane, I can’t help myself when you’re around. I feel compelled to make you feel better.”

“And merge our bodies.”

“Yes, there is definitely that too.”

“Will you spoon me again?”

“Come,” he said, holding out his arms.

Back in his arms I sighed heavily. I bent my knees and he curled his legs behind mine. “Thank you. You are making the most horrendous experience of my life breathable.”

We lay quietly for a bit while my heart continued to break and tears silently dripped from the corner of my eye
s.

I broke the silence when I said,
“I just don’t understand why Mason would pick someone like me when he married a skinny, gorgeous, petite woman.”

“I don’t know. Maybe he likes variety and doesn’t have a type.”

“He probably picked me because I’m dumb and live alone.”

“Lainie, turn around and face me. Come on, do it.”

I complied.

“Mason is a very attractive man. He could easily have his pick. He’s smart, worldly
, and has an authority about him. If he picked you, it’s because he sees what I see: a beautiful, accomplished, incredible human being. Was there an instant connection?”

“Well, yes.”

“Those are the hardest to let go. In a way they seem fated because of their intensity.” He lifted a tear off my check with his index finger.

“Karen?”
I asked.

“Completely.”

“I think you should take me back to my car.” I moved to get up.

“Why? Where are you going to go?”

“I don’t know. I’m just feeling like I need you, and I don’t want to. For both our sakes.”

“Come here,” he said, holding out his arms.

“Stay, please.”

“You need me and that’s okay. I need you too. Let me hold you.”

He scooted toward me on the bed and pulled me onto his lap. “Don’t even say it. You’re not too heavy for me.”

“How do you do that?”

“I don’t know. Rest your head—there you go.”

“Why do I feel better when your energy is wrapped around me?”

“It’s the same for me, and a first for me too. If I told you why I think, you’d just shake your head again. You do that a lot, you know.”

“Do I?”
Snuggling in closer, I took in his natural masculine scent and sighed. “Tell me anyway.”

“I’m still
a beginner in my studies of Buddhism. However, I do know that there is a lot of focus on different kinds of energy, and how those energies converge. I think we have bonded in a way that transcends logic and binds us in the heart chakra as well as the sex chakra. I believe that’s why I felt your pain today.”

“Well I have no explanation for
any of it, so yours is as good as any.”

“Thank you, I think.”

“I’m sorry; I don’t know what I’m saying.”

His mouth hovered near mine and I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him to fix me and
transport me away from my torturous agony.

“Do you
mean it, Lainie? Because I will,” he said as if he heard my thoughts.

I tilted
my head and looked into his deep-blue eyes. “I’m not in my right mind.”

“I understand.”

I pulled away and rested my hands behind me. “A shower first would be good. Do you have mouthwash?”

With his hands still on my waist, he said, “Yes
, and an extra tooth brush. I don’t want to let you go because—”

“I might feel differently when I get out.”

“Yes. Let me get you something to put on. Sweats or PJs?”

“Either is fine.”

“Get started and I’ll bring something in.”

I got up and found myself incredibly dizzy. My hand caught the edge of the bed and I steadied myself. His
bathroom turned out to be huge, with a bath big enough
for two. I turned on the shower and placed a folded towel nearby. The clothes that I stripped off, I planned to throw away, including the socks. I washed my hair and body, running the water as hot as I could stand. Once clean, I sat on the floor of the shower and thought about what to do next.

I knew if I stayed at Stay’s, I’d end up making out with him
, or worse. I really wanted another drink, or five, to deaden the pain. I truly wanted to numb out.
Should I send a message to Mason?
I asked myself
. What the fuck would I say?

A knock sounded on the door and I heard Stay
ask, “Are you okay in there?”

“Yeah, I’m just getting out,” I yelled so he could hear me.

I
dried off and wrapped the towel around me. I then held my hand out through the door for the clothes. The gray, Timberland Company shirt went on first, and the navy, plaid PJ bottoms next. I hung up the wet towel and wrapped a smaller one around my hair. The toothbrush and mouthwash I found under the sink. After thoroughly cleansing my mouth, I gathered my clothes and stepped out the bathroom door. “Where can I throw these away?”

“You want to—I’ll take them.”

I sat on the edge of the bed and waited. When Stay
returned I noticed he had changed into PJ bottoms and a T-shirt as well. “Do you really think I should send Mason a message?” I asked. “I have no idea what to write. I definitely don’t want to see him now. I might pummel him.”

“
Want me to check your phone?”

“I think it’s in my shorts.”

He pulled it out of his pocket. “Here.”

I
turned the phone back on, punched in my code to unlock it, and handed it back.

He scrolled through
the notifications and said, “You have twenty-three texts, and nine voicemails.”

“Would you check if any of the calls are from anyone else? Or texts for that matter?”

“Um, no. Just MM.”

“Okay. If you don’t mind, you can read
and listen, then just give me a summary.”

“Okay,” he said, sitting down on the edge of the bed
next to me.

Rusty nudged my hand
, so I resumed petting him as I waited. It seemed to take a long time.

“Well, he
’s very distraught. He bounced back and forth between being concern that something horrible has happened to you, to you finding something out about him. He wrote and said, ‘Whatever you’re thinking it’s not true. I love you completely and fully and always will.’ He begged you to contact him, especially before he leaves. He still plans to go by your apartment.”

“What do you suggest?”

“Be honest.”

“And who does that help? I don’t see
how that helps me. It just opens the door for all his excuses.”

“
I can type up something for you and you can edit it, or just delete it.”

I shrugged. “Okay.”

Stay took a good ten minutes to craft the text and I watched him erase and continue several times. “Does he have any stuff at your place that he might want back?” he asked, glancing up at me.

“Yes,” I said, thinking about his fraternity paddle.
My gut roiled over the thought.

He typed a bit longer an
d then said, “Okay. Here you go. Keep what you’d like or ditch it all.”

I looked down at the screen of my phone and read:

Me:
I’m sending this message solely so you don’t have to worry if I’ve come to physical harm. I am not in the hospital, and all of my bones are still in tacked.

Me:
However, I’m not at all well. Don’t bother to come by my place tonight. I won’t be there. I was at the Delray art fair today, which I imagine you’ve already

Me:
sorted out for yourself. I know what I saw so don’t bother with your excuses. I don’t want to hear them. When you get back to town, we can arrange for you to

Me:
get your belongings from my apartment. Other than that, I have no wish to hear from you.

“Thank you. It’s good, only it’s way too nice,” I said, and tinkered with it before sending.

Me:
I’m sending this text so you can stop messaging with concerns that I’ve been physically hurt. I’m not in a hospital, and all of my bones are still intact. If you

Me:
count my soul and my heart, then I’ve been hurt more than I ever thought possible. You have broken love for me, for my lifetime.

Me:
Don’t bother to come by my place tonight. I won’t be there. If I saw you in person right now, I’d punch you and you’d have to go home to your beautiful, petite

Me:
wife and lie to her again. “Honey, some guy attacked me out of nowhere.”

Me:
I was at the Delray Affair today, which I imagine you’ve already sorted out for yourself. I know what I saw so don’t bother with your excuses. I don’t want

Me:
to hear them. When you get back to town, we can arrange for you to get your belongings from my apartment. Other than that, I have no wish to hear from you. I’m no

Me:
longer your love, or baby girl. GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!

I handed the phone back to Stay and said, “Honestly, what do you think?”

He read through and said,
“Wow, Lainie, that’s intense.”

“I thought you said I should send a clear message. So? Should I take out the part about his wife?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe you were right and you should wait until you’re less angry.”

“That will never happen. Here,” I said, holding my hand out for the phone. I hit send on the combined texts and breathed out heavily. “That’s done.”

“I’d say. Are you hungry?”

“Not in the least but please go eat something. I can hear your stomach
grumbling.”

“I’ll go order a pizza
, and maybe you’ll change your mind by the time it gets here.”

“Okay.” I
lay down with Rusty, stroking his soft fur, wishing I could see Mason’s expression while he read the text.

My phone vibrated in my hand. I stared at
it as if it was a spider. I couldn’t stop myself; I had to read his text.

MM:
It is true that Victoria and I are in a better place, but that has nothing to do with you and my love for you. You have to understand that. I can’t live

MM:
without you. Baby, please don’t do this. I know what you saw had to be hard and confusing but just give me the chance to explain. I have never loved another

MM:
the way I love you. Not even Victoria. Please reconsider. Meet me at your place as soon as you can.

I texted back before I could change my mind.

Me:
Everything that you’ve said to me has been a lie. By the look of things, I have to assume you are having sex with your wife. I thought you should know that I’m

Me:
spending the night at Stayman’s. Call me when you get back in town and I’ll leave your stuff outside the apartment for you to pick up.

“Was that him?” Stay asked when he re-entered the bedroom.

“Yeah, here,” I said, handing him the phone.

“Oh? Do you mean it?” he said, lifting his right eyebrow.

“How long until the pizza gets here?”

“Thirty minutes or so.”

“On one condition.”

“Anything.” He sat down next to me and I could feel his excited energy. Desire and love all wrapped up together.

“You won’t hold this night against me. I have no idea how I’ll feel in the morning or weeks from now.”

“I understand.” He walked into the bathroom and returned with a comb. The towel wrapped around my hair fell quickly with a tug. Standing over me, he used the comb to brush out my hair.

I stopped his hand and said, “You don’t have to.”

“Just let me.”

I closed my eyes, tears threatening to seep out. His attention felt so good
, as if he could somehow stave off the decimation I felt. Soon enough I would have to deal with it properly, but I didn’t want to right then.

He
gently detangled my hair and then pressed the towel against the ends to dry them.

“Thank you,” I said, peering up at him.

He didn’t say anything, but I felt his energy nonetheless. With my hand in his, he pulled me to my feet and directed me to lie on the bed.

Beside him, wrapped in his embrace, my heart still ached
, but I welcomed anything that would take the pain away. “Don’t say it,” I said.

“I won’
t, but let me show you.” Then he lowered his mouth to mine and I let him.

His kiss transported me away from the
worst of the desolation, but I wasn’t able to fully forget that I was dying inside. Wrapped up in his love, I let my body take over. I wanted his cock to fill me, and for him to fuck me hard. In a daze of desire, I snaked my hand under the elastic of his PJs and felt his silky erection.

Stay broke of the kiss and said, “Lainie, what are you doing?”

I rolled to the side of him and said, “I would think that would be obvious.”

“I take these things slowly.”

“Come on!” I said, rolling my eyes up to the ceiling. “What has all of this been about then?”

“
Not just sex, I assure you. And I’m not against it, but you will not make me come until I’ve learnt your body and that takes time.”

“What’s there to learn? You st
ick your cock inside me and I come.”

“That’s really romantic
, Lainie. I’m not your stud for hire.”

“I knew this was a bad idea,” I said, sitting up and propping my back against the headboard. I crossed my arms for good measure.

“Sweetheart, if you wanted a fuck, I’m not your guy. That’s not to say we won’t have full-on fuck sessions after a while. I like it hard and fast, your submission and me taking what I need, but that’s down the road. That’s after I know your limits and you trust me to push them.”

“That’s all well and good
, but I need this pain to go away now.”

“Fucking doesn’
t last that long so then what?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. I want to run but you can’t run away from yourself because there is nowhere to hide.
”

“Give me a chance. We can—I think I heard the door.”

“I heard it too,” I said, following him out of the room.

He paid the pizza delivery guy and laid
the box on bar next to the kitchen pass-thru. “Want a slice.”

“No,” I said, sitting on one of the two stools. I spun
to the right and left and then leaned against the narrow wall behind me. “Did Karen drink?”

“Sometimes.” He folded the slice of pizza and took a big bite.

The dough and cheese smelled great, but when your gut is filled with distress and anger, food just gets booted out.

“Did you consider living with her?”

He took a drink of his soda and held out the glass to me. “That’s an interesting question. No, I didn’t.”

“Why not?” I took a sip and handed it back.

“We didn’t care to spend our time the same way. It seemed easier to have our own places.”

“You mean like watching
The Voice
?”

“Nah, I love anything with music and although I don’t have a TV or watch it much, I do have a computer and catch movies and shows on there. I
’m somewhat addicted to Pandora and YouTube.”

“I’m addicted to new music myself.
” We sat quietly for a few minutes. When he grabbed another slice of pizza, I asked, “Do you want a family?”

“I do. Red and I have that in common. Bond might get there someday, but if Kev and Cat stay together, I don’t see them having kids.”

“I have to agree with that,” I said.

“What about you?”

“Definitely. I want to be a good mother, like my dad is a great father. I told him about you.”

“Yeah? What did he say?”
Stay asked between bites.

“Just that he understood
that I’m already—well was—in a relationship and I can’t just switch out one for the other.”

“I agree with him
, but that doesn’t mean you should hold off letting one grow here.” He held out his glass to me.

I shook my head.
“How about all the stuff you hear lately about taking time between relationships to sort out what went wrong?”

“I think my
last relationship applies more than yours.”

I raised my eyebrows and said,
“How do you figure?”

“According to you, you and Mason have had a wonderful affair, whether or not it was based
on the truth. You weren’t the one lying, he was.”

“How is that any different
from you and Karen?”

“I didn’t like who I was with her. There were issues on both sides.”
He took another bite.

“Like?”

He chewed and swallowed. “I’m sensitive to rejection, or perceived rejection.”

“
Meaning you overreact?”

“Yes
, and when I’m put second or fifth and feel I should be put first, it’s not good.” He sipped his soda and put it back on the counter.

“Not good for you
, or for the people around you?”