Bittersweet Deceit (21 page)

T
he full bar at 50 Ocean shouldn’t have surprised me. It was hotter than hell outside. I squeezed between two patrons and asked for a glass of water, placing a dollar on the bar. I drank the whole glass so fast it gave me brain freeze. The guy to my right got up and I took his stool. “Tequila with orange juice and cranberry, double the tequila,” I said to a passing bartender.

“Gotcha,” he said.

The guy beside me said, “Your phone is going off.” I knew Mason’s ring so I didn’t bother to answer it. I thanked the bartender when he deliver my drink and refilled my water glass. To the guy next to me, I said, “Salute.” Still so thirsty, I downed the entire cocktail.

“You okay?
” Mr. Nosey Barfly asked. “You have sand on your cheek, and your hat is crooked.”

“Will you save my seat and order me another drink while I go use the rest room?” I asked, deciding
that if he was so inclined to be in my life he could help me out.

“Sure. Don’t forget to take your phone with you,” he said, holding it out
to me.

I huffed and took it from him. Once Stay got to the restaurant, I could mute the damn thing. In the bathroom, I realized
Barfly was being kind. I didn’t look like myself at all and just seeing my reflection caused the tears to fall again. Sand covered my right cheek and tuffs of my hair hung out from around my baseball cap, which sat angled like a rapper would wear it. My eyes were red and puffy like I was ill or had some kind of disease.

I took off the hat
and threw it in the trash, never wanting to be reminded of the day my life ended. I tried to smooth my hair as best as I could and retied it. Then I took a paper towel and brushed it against my cheek. Some of the sand fell into the sink but about half didn’t. I tried to pick it off but I gave up. I used the toilet and then went back to the bar.

Another drink awaited me
, and so did Stay. He wore a nice dress shirt and slacks.

“
Stayman, Barfly. Barfly, Stayman.”

“We’ve met. Can we go?”
Stay pleaded with his eyes.

“Let me drink this first.”

“He says you already threw back one like a shot.”

I gave Barfly a dirty look and said,
“He would be correct and I plan to do the same with this one.”

Stay
took my arm and pulled me toward him “Come on, Lainie, let’s go. I think what you need is some food and some rest.”

“
When I’m asking you what you think, I’ll let you know,” I said, sitting down. “Don’t look at me like that. Fuck, either of you.”

“Is she your girlfriend?”
Barfly asked.

Stay shook his head no.

Then I heard Barfly whisper, “Does she have a drinking problem?”

He shook his head again.

I took one long swallow of the cocktail and said, “Let’s get the fuck out of here. Bye, Barfly.”

We walked
out and around the side of the restaurant to his car.

“You brought the
Corvette?”

“I have
... had a date.”

“You have a date? I thought you said you had a loyalty problem.”

“I’m trying to get passed it. Want to tell me what happened?”

“Hasn’t your voodoo
, tantric powers clued you in?”

“I could take a guess given the state you’re in
, but I’d rather you tell me.”

“I don’t think I can. I—” My phone interrupted me.
“I’m turning the sound off,” I said and I did. “You have a date. I knew I should’ve finished that drink. Just drop me off at my—no, not my place...” I wondered if Jacqs still had her hidden key to the side of the front door of her apartment.

“I’
m taking you to my place, Lainie.”

“That’s ridiculous, you have
a date!”

“I cancelled it.”

“Oh, Stay, you didn’t. Call her back and apologize. Just explain ... explain that you had to rescue a friend and you have and now you’re free.”

“It’s done, Lainie.”

I turned in my seat, away from him, and started weeping again. Over my shoulder, he handed me a handkerchief. “Thank you,” I said.

Although he had seen me cry before, he hadn’t heard the pitiful sounds coming out of me. The torrent of emotion swept through me over and over
like a never-ending tornado that lashed at my soul, ripping everything to shreds. I would never be a whole person again, never trust myself in any situation. Mason’s deception wiped away any respect I held for myself.

Stay rubbed my back and his touch
caused me to cry even harder. “It’s going to be okay, Lane.”

“It’s never going to be oka
y again,” I cried. “Not ever,” I hiccupped. “I’m sorry about ... about being ... a bitch earlier. And your date...” Another wave of despair overtook me and I couldn’t talk through the tears.

“We’re almost there.”

“Okay,” I said in a shuddered breath. I felt cold down to my core, even with the sweltering heat outside. It pervaded my heart and soul. I gazed out the window seeing nothing.

My phone vibrated and I
began to toss it out the window. Stay caught my hand as I drew back to throw it.

“Turn it off if you need to,” he said as
he made a right onto the road to his place. He parked, and came around to my side, lifting me out of the car.

“His wife is really skinny,” I said, feeling like only half of me existed inside. The other part had left or gone
into hiding.

“They were at the fair?”

“Yeah, with the kids.”

“Did he see you?”

“No,” I said. I started shaking again. “I feel cold.”

“Let’s get you inside.”

I didn’t start walking right away. “I’m so sorry, Stay. You were right about everything. Except about me. I’m not good enough for you or anyone. Please promise me you will call your date back.”

Then he hugged me
, and the anguish continued to rake at the fabric of my soul. He turned me toward the entrance, his arm holding me tightly against him.

“I’m so sorry,” I cried again.

“Shh,” he said. “You have no reason to apologize to me.”

We rode the elevator to his floor
, and once inside his apartment I started sliding down the wall by the door. Rusty greeted me, rubbing along my legs.

Stay
kicked off his shoe and said, “No, Lainie. Come with me.” He removed my sneakers and led me to his bedroom, the cat following behind. “Lay down. I’m going to get you some water.”

I did as told
me to, and said, “I don’t suppose you have any alcohol or other drugs in your place.”

“You would
be correct. I’ll be right back,” he said, placing a blanket over me. He returned quickly, setting the glass of water down on the end table. He climbed into bed and spooned me. Rusty tried to get between us, but Stay shooed him away. “Do you want to tell me what happened? Does Jacqs and Blue know?”

I shook my head and turned in his arms to face him.
“I didn’t tell them.”

“Why?”
he said, looping his arm around my waist.

“I don’t know. Maybe because Blue was there
, and I didn’t want to ruin their day. If it had just been Jacqs and me, I might have. I would have called my dad, but he’s out of town.”

“If I hadn’t texted?”

I felt Rusty snuggle against my back and didn’t mind.
“I had planned to find some shade and wait until I felt like I could drive. I didn’t want to be home, and I wasn’t sure where I would end up. Maybe I would have asked Jacqs if I could stay at her apartment. I can’t believe you blew off your date.”

“I had
this recurring, crushing ache in my chest, and your name came to me along with the pain each time.” His face winced as he recalled it.

“Did you ever consider it was a message to stay away from me, not rescue me?”

“I hadn’t considered that. Huh, should I drive you back?” he asked, pretending to get up.

“Don’t ma
ke me laugh, it hurts too much.

“I actually get that.”

“You do?”

Rusty jumped in between us and I scratched behind his ears. He purred like a locomotive.

“Don’t encourage him,” Stay said but he petted him as well. “Yeah, Karen was unfaithful to me twice. The pain? There’s really nothing like it. It’s almost like possession; it takes over your whole body. I broke it off after the second time.”

“And you were still my friend when you knew I was having an affair.”
I rocked my head back and forth.

“I don’t judge, Lane
. We all have our lessons to learn and I’m no expert at life.”

I kept shaking my head.
“Maybe Cat’s right and a person can be too nice.”

“Trust me, I’m not nice.”

I stared at him, picking up his meaning. “Are you hard?”

“Rock
-hard.”

I sat up in the bed.
“I’m flattered. I mean ... I think I am, but more amazed than anything. How could you possibly get hard with me in such a mess? That is ... I don’t know what ... crazy.”

He grabbed my hand and said, “I can show you.”

“That’s definitely not necessary.”

He
let go of my hand.

“
Why are you unwilling to see that I’m a horrible choice for you? I’m not sure I’ll ever trust myself, or anyone, again. I thought he loved me, really loved me. Since he met you, he’s made all kinds of time for me and we were closer than ever.”

He wiped the tears that began to spill again. “I’m sure he loves you, Lainie. How could he not? Some men will never be satisfied with one woman. Did he ever
say he would leave his wife?”

I
laid my head on his outstretched arm. “No, never. But he said their relationship was extremely strained and they were working on finding friendship to raise their kids together under the same roof. Jacqs tried to warn me that if he’s lying to his family, he’s probably lying to me too, but I wouldn’t hear it.”

“Love makes us blind sometimes. Let me make you feel better
, Lainie.” He started massaging my neck.

“I can’t. I mean I could
, but it wouldn’t be fair. I’d be using you.”

“What if I say I want you to?”
he said, touching my cheek.

“I’d say you’re being stup
id, and I don’t want to hurt you.” I lifted my head to better see his eyes. “I have no idea how long it will take me to get over this or if I ever will.”

“Then just let me be here for you. That’s enough.”

I stared at him in disbelief. “You are way too good for me. Way too nice. I don’t deserve it.” I rested my head on his arm again and closed my eyes.

“You deserve it and much more. Have you talked to Mason at all?”

Just hearing his name was like a knife twisting in my gut. “He was supposed to come by tonight before his flight. I texted him, ‘Don’t come’ in capital letters, and with an exclamation point.”

“Would you like me to send him a message for you? Or check what he
said back?” He pulled out my hair tie and fanned out my light-brown hair above my head.

“No. Words? What the fuck are words? He’ll tell me that when they’re out they always pretend to like each for the benefit of the kids. He’ll say what I saw was acting.”

“Could it have been?”

“Absolutely fucking
not. They were laughing and touching each other even when the kids weren’t looking.”

“
I’ve met him. I don’t see him giving up easily,” he said, running his finger over my eyebrow.

“
Why do you say that?”

Then he
massaged my head and it felt amazing. “Lane, I wouldn’t give up.”

I opened my eye
s and said, “You also wouldn’t cheat on your wife.”

“That’s true but that’s not the point. I believe he loves you.”

I sat up and pointed at his chest. “Are you trying to talk me back into seeing him?”

“No, but if you don’t deal with him directly you’ll be living in limbo
without resolution.”

“He’s gone for the next two weeks for work. At least that’s what he told me. I have no idea what’s true anymore.
Why did
you
give Karen another chance?”

“Because I believed she was sorry and
understood how much pain she caused me.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, touching Stay’s shoulder.
“That’s sucks. Was it worse the second time?”

“Way worse. It’s what ended our relationship.”

“I hate that she hurt you like that, but I’m grateful to have you back with us. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you. I thought of you right before I saw Mason. Just before.”