Bittersweet Deceit (16 page)

With an audience of the whole bar, I gave myself over to Stay, not thinking about the consequences that would befall me. His energy captivated me so fully, I forgot about everything but the feel of his lips on mine, his tongue taking me on a journey of sensation. He shifted his hands to my head and
angled my face so he could deepen the kiss further.

I felt wetness gathering in my panties and on my cheeks. It didn’t stop or deter me. Instead, I pushed myself
into him, as if our bodies could merge. In his arms, overcome by his kiss, there was no other place I wanted to be.

We might have remained glued tog
ether for the rest of the night if it wasn’t for Jacqs tugging on my sleeve.

“Lainie, so sorry to interrupt, truly, but Frank has been trying to break you apart for a few minutes. You’re creating quite the scene plus you’re blocking the way by.”

I looked around and several people stared back including the couple that was waiting to get past us. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled, both Stay and I shifting out of their way.

They quickly
passed by.

Stay still held me as I started to shake. “I have to go, I need to leave.”

In a soft voice he said, “It’s okay, Lane.”

“I
t’s not,” I said, pulling away. “It really isn’t. Jacqs, come outside with me?”

“Yes
, girl, of course.” As soon as we stepped outside, she said, “Boy, Lainie you took me by surprise. From the looks of it, you took Stay by surprise too.”

“He started it.” I rested against the concrete wall and rubbed my forehead.

She peered up at me and said, “I thought tequila might be a dangerous choice.”

“It wouldn’t have been if you hadn’t invited
Stay.”

“I didn’
t. Bond did.” She looked away.

“
Uh-huh and you didn’t know about it.”

She made eye contact again and said,
“Well, I ... I want you to be happy. Doesn’t that sound familiar?”

“Oh great, throw my words back at me.”

“Stay’s a great guy, Lainie.”

“Yeah and
thanks to your handy work, I’m going to end up hurting him. Is that what you want?” I asked, my palms out in question. I sighed. “I already am. That dude is a glutton for punishment and he doesn’t take no for an answer. He’s persistent and stubborn and has a way of making me...”

“Well if he was smitten before, I think he must have moved on to full blown infatuation after that kiss. That was hot
, girl. You like him too, Lane. It’s so easy to see and I mean aside from that smoking hot, grinding kiss you gave him. I’m surprised the bar didn’t clap when you guys finally parted.”

“I was too shocked over my own behavior to be mortified
by the people watching.”

“I’m sure Jose Cuervo helped
give you the nerve.”

“
I can’t blame everything on the drinks. He does something to me. He strips away my armor and I love it and hate it at the same time. I especially hate it when I end up doing stupid, stupid things. What the hell am I supposed to say to Stay now?”

“The truth.”

“I don’t even know what that is anymore.”

“
Start with that.” She waved me to follow. “Come on, girl. I’ll leave you two alone and go visit with Bond. He likes having me on his lap in the booth.”

We parted company at the door. S
he traveled around the right side of the bar toward Bond, and I trudged back to my seat.

“I wasn’t sure you were coming back,” Stay said, when I sat back down. “Are you okay?”

“No, not in the least.”

“I can’t say I’m sorry about that kiss. That was ... it was...” He laughed. “Indescribable.
You ... damn, OCDC, I didn’t know you had it in you.”

“You’re gloating.”

“This isn’t a contest. It’s not like that for me. Before our date—”

“It was not a date,”
I shouted and hit my hand on the side of the bar. Fortunately the music was so loud that it covered my noise.

“I guess I’m not the only one in denial. Call it what you’d like: dinner and a concert. My point is that before tha
t night, what I thought we had between us, the potential that existed was just in the realm of speculation and hope. You and me, we have an intangible between us.”

“I don’t even know what that means.”

“It’s that unnamable quality that allows two people to connect in a rare and deep way. Red and Jacqs have it.”

“But not Bond and Jacqs?”

“Maybe they do. It’s just very apparent between Red and Jacqs. There’s a flow, a dance, and you can almost see the connection between them even when they are across the room from each other. Like an energy trail of love that links them together.”

“
That’s beautiful. I think I get what you’re saying. I just don’t see how it applies to us.”

He raised his eyebrow and I kne
w he was questioning my honesty.

“I don’t know what this is between us. I just know it’s messing with my head and confusing the hell out of me.”

“Had I not spent the night over your place taking care of you, I might have been able to move slower, but when you’re around me, my energy shifts and my usual calm, centered, patient manner morphs into a crazed, pressing need to have you in my arms. Sometimes the desire feels soft and sweet and I just want to bury my face in your silky hair and hold you. Other times I want you on your knees before me, your green-hazel eyes peering up into mine, opening your mouth for my hard cock.”

He placed my hand over his pants and I closed my eyes. His erection excited and scared me. He was
significantly thicker than Mason and longer too. Gazing up, our eyes locked and I couldn’t be sure what I wanted anymore.

He pushed his hand down over mine and continued, “Sometimes it’s so strong I think if I don’t get to fuck you
hard and fast I just might expire on the spot.” A warm, bright smile transformed his face when he said, “Then I think about taking you very slowly, teaching you my tantric ways, making you come harder than you ever have before.

“That kiss
, Lainie, it changed everything for me. You might regret it, but I never will, even if you never again give me the privilege. Because now I know what we really can be. It’s left in your hands.” He looked down at his hand on top of mine.

I sat up straight,
pulling my hand away.

He
lifted my head up. “Lainie, please don’t shut me out.”

“I think it would be best for me to leave. My mind is racing
”—
and my body,
I thought, but I left that out—“and I can’t think straight. I ... I ... please don’t look at me like that.” I felt young, and raw, and really scared. I wished I could crawl into my father’s lap and hide there like I had done as a little girl.

Stay
rested his hand on my knee as if he couldn’t bear to be near me without touching me. “Are you okay to drive?”

“I’ll have Frank call me a cab.
You can stay and keep Jacqs company.”

“
Lainie, let me drive you home. We can talk on the way. If you go, I’m leaving anyway and it’s on the way to my place.”

I gave in. “
I’ll go say goodbye to Jacqs and Bond.”

“
I’ll just wait for you here. Tell Bond, I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”

Once at the deejay booth, I said, “We’re taking off.”

Jacqs jumped off of Bond and said, “Is everything okay? Did you guys talk?”

“Yes,
and it definitely did not help. I need to get home and journal and try to wrap my mind around what I’m feeling and what I want. Why couldn’t he have waited?”

Bond answered, “
According to Red, there comes a point where it’s out of your hands. It’s not like you can set love on pause forever.”

“Stay doesn’t love me,” I practically yelled.

They both gave me a questioning look.

“I’m in love with someone else! Why can’t you all understand that?”

Jacqs touched my arm. “We get it. Me better than anyone else. Let me know if you want to get together after your walk with your dad and please give him a big hug from me.” Then she stretched up on her tiptoes and embraced me. She whispered, “Trust yourself, girl. I’m here if you need me.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled
, and took a step away. Then I turned back around. “Oh, Bond, Stay said he’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Jacqs was already back in his lap. Bond waved.

I
ambled through the CroBar not really seeing the flashing lights or the crowd of people that had gathered since I arrived. In a daze, I headed back to Stay feeling one step removed from my emotions. A dark cloud of depression hovered way too close.

“
Ready?” Stay asked as I approached.

“Yeah.”

“Do you have a purse or anything?”

“No.”

“Try not to look so sad,” he said, taking my hand and leading me around the other patrons, out of the club to his Prius. He opened the passenger side door for me.

I slid in and pulled
the seat belt across my chest as he
closed the door. I watched as he made his way around the car and got in. “I’m not sure what I’m experiencing,” I said.

“What does it
feel like?” he asked as he started the car.

I closed my eyes and said,
“Pain, anguish, confusion, euphoria, fear, lots of fear. I feel stupid and out of control. I’m responsible for hurting you and hurting Mason too. He specifically said that if I did anything with you, he didn’t think he could get past it.”

Stay
pulled out of the parking lot. “Will you be honest with him?” he asked, resting his arm across the bucket seats and touching my elbow.

Opening my eyes, I watched the familiar scenery pass by.
“If he asks me, yes and I’m sure he will. Will I offer the information? I don’t know. Until recently, we didn’t have that kind of relationship. He never asked me and I never asked him either.”

“What changed that?”

“You. You’ve blown in like a hurricane, shattering all the existing structures, and leaving fresh air and wreckage behind in your wake.”

He glance
d over at me and his doleful expression shot through my heart. “That wasn’t my intention,” he said.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m saying.” I lay my head against the headrest
and closed my watery eyes.

He squeezed my arm and said, “I can understand your mixed emotions. It makes sense. I didn’t set out to make your life more complicated, but I can see that
’s exactly what I’ve done. I didn’t know you were dating anyone. Jacqs never mentioned it. I didn’t know until I saw Mason hovering outside of your apartment. If I had thought you were happy with him, I wouldn’t have continued pursuing you. Now it’s just too late.”

My heart dropped into my gut thinking Stay had changed his mind and yet that was exactly what I wanted. I needed the clock to turn back to when we were just friends.
So why did the thought hurt so much? “Too late for what?”

“
Too late for us to stop.” He drove onto the highway and continued, “I desire you like I have never wanted another soul in my life. And I’ve tried to get your attention before but back then, you looked right past me. My chance is now.”

“What are you talking about?
We’ve hung out at Red’s together and even played darts and pool a few times times.”

“Come on Lainie.
Are you telling me you didn’t notice my interest?”

“It
was too late by then. I already had Mason in my life.” I suddenly became so tired. I wanted to be home, in my own bed, alone.

“It’s not too late
for us.”

I turned my head toward him and said, “I’m seeing
Mason on Tuesday and if he doesn’t end it because of my indiscretion with you, I’m going to continue to see him until the time comes that we need to go our separate ways.”

“The time has already come and
even he knows it.”

“I don’t want to talk anymore, Stay. You seem to think I can just flip a switch and turn off how I feel about Mason and then direct it to you. It doesn’t work that way.”

“Why do you love him, Lainie? Help me understand. He can’t give you want you need.”

I paused and couldn’t come up with a reasonable response so I said,
“What do you mean why?”

“It’s a simple question.” He pulled down the ramp
from the highway and stopped at the red light.

I uttered in sheer exhaustion,
“It’s an emotion without logic.”

“Love is an emotion
and
a verb. What is there besides amazing sex? I mean I’m assuming it must be amazing to keep you.”

“Friendship, comfort, attention.”

He made a left turn and asked, “Does he take you out?”

“No, not since the beginning.”

“I see,” he said, nodding.

“What?”

“You are worth more. Way more.” He pulled into my parking spot and turned off the engine.

“And if I don’t want more.”

“I call bullshit.”

I turned in my seat to face him on the verge of an angry outburst or a meltdown. Anger seemed the better option.
“You are probably one of the nicest, sweetest, most considerate, sexy men I have ever met and please don’t take this the wrong way, but fuck off.” I open the car door and got out. “Thanks for the ride.”

His mouth hung open in shock. “
Whoa, wait a minute.” He scrambled out of the car.

“I should have taken the cab home. I can’t give you what you want or need. I’m sorry, probably sorrier than you know, but the timing is all wrong. I have to assume that Mason will again
ask me to avoid seeing you after he knows about the kiss, and I don’t see how I can argue with him. I can’t trust myself to be in your vicinity.”

He moved closer to me.
“I don’t know how long I’ll wait for you.”

“I understand. I don’t think you should,” I said, wrapping my arms around myself.

“Please at least let me say goodbye.”

I shook my head knowing if I let him touch me again all might be lost.

“Please,” he pleaded, closing the distance between us. “A hug only.” He didn’t wait for me to answer and enclosed me in his arms.

At first I kept my arms between us and then rationalized that it was just a hug. Embracing him back, our
hearts lining up together, I felt the annihilating loss of what had started to grow between us. I had to say goodbye. It was the right thing to do for everyone. It was, wasn’t it? If it was so right, why did it hurt so much? Tears ran down my cheeks as I quietly cried.

We hugged each other for a long while, knowing that once we
separated it really was goodbye.

He finally stepped back and I saw
a single tear escape and roll down his cheek. That caused the dam on my emotions to break.

“I’m so sorry,” I said and then ran up the stairs to my place. With shaking hands, I retrieved the key
s from my pocket and struggled to unlock the door.

Inside I kicked off my shoes and ran to my bed, not taking the time to undress. I sobbed like the teary eyed wretch I had recently turned into.
I lay there in a daze of my own making. Why had I allowed Stay in? Maybe because he took care of me when Mason wasn’t there for me? Regardless, I had to rein in my ill-conceived actions.

After the pain eased enough, I got ready for bed, avoiding looking in the mirror. I suspected I might breakdown again if I saw my own refection.

With my journal on my lap, I clicked my pen.

In the past few days I’ve cried more than in the past ten years. If this is what love does to a person, I don’t want it! Maybe I should tell them both to go to hell.

Stay and his stupid questions about love. Love isn’t something easily definable or
explainable to someone else. I love Mason because he is, because he is the one man in the world I want to spend my time with. Is it an easy love? No. I’d be kidding myself if I said it was, but that doesn’t make it any less real.

Just because Stay wants to have a relationship with me doesn’t mean he gets to. Even if I want
a relationship with him too. And maybe I would’ve if I hadn’t already given my heart away. I’m not like Jacqs. I can’t split my loyalties down the middle. I’m a one man woman.

I’ve never been this way before, all confused and emotional and str
uggling to make concrete choice, allowing chemistry and seduction to influence me. Decisions have always been clear-cut and straightforward. Now it all seems muddled.

Part of me wants to punch out Stay for messing with me in the first place. He seems so nice but he has his own agenda and pushes for it even when I say NO. Why cou
ldn’t he just leave me alone? He’s like an infection that just takes over without your permission, spreading out to all the nooks and crannies. He’s a sickness I just need to get over.

The Kiss. It seemed
liked more than a kiss. It felt more like alchemy, our energies merging and swirling around us in a whirlwind. I wonder if it was part of the tantric stuff he keeps hinting about.

Stay and Mason are so diffe
rent. In some ways my relationship with Mason is much simpler. We come together and share love and passion, and have our own independent lives. Stay seems all consuming, like I might not have room to breathe with him. How the hell Jacqs juggles two men is beyond me. How does she have any time for herself?

I know Mason is going to ask about Stay. I can just feel it and I’m not sure if I should just bite the bullet and confess or wait.
I’ll probably take the chicken shit way out and wait. Hopefully we will have an opportunity to reconnect before it comes out. I have no idea what to say if he asks me how the kiss was. I don’t think saying, “epic” will go over well. It was though. Epic, astonishing, awe-inspiring, unfathomable too. FUCK YOU Stay for kissing me like that. He doesn’t fight fair.

Yes, I know, I kissed him back. I know, I know, I know. UGH!

I bet Mason is going to be so hurt. It’s the only thing he asked of me and I couldn’t even do it. STAY AWAY FROM THE BOY!!!!

I’m so happy I will be seeing Dad tomorrow. Maybe he will knock some sense into me. Probably not. He will probably just listen and be non-judgmental. I could use some of that because I have all sorts of judgment of myself. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I hope I can sleep. I need some mindless oblivion.

With my alarm set I scooted down in the bed, rolled on my side, and pull a pillow between my knees. Luckily, the exhaustion from the day and my emotions made sleep come easy.