Bittersweet Fate (6 page)

The days go so slow …so damn slow. They say time heels, but it’s getting worse. My heart has been ripped out of my chest taking half of me with it and leaving behind this hollow person. I might be strong but I do break, and this broke me. I think for a few minutes taking a sip of my coffee, then it hits me. The cards, my cards….they they no no no It can’t be. They warned me but I didn’t believe. Maybe I knew I just didn’t want to believe.

***

My future may be unclear but for now it’s Cody in my heart and mind, He will forever be with me for the rest of my life watching down on me. I still feel like he’s here with me I know it sounds weird but it does. We are broken to be fixed. After shutting out the world for a week I decide it’s time to face reality. I feel terrible as I walk to my first class, I’ve blocked out colt completely. He’s after trying everything hell he’s even been at my door like 20 times since and never mind the calls. I just wasn’t ready to be around people well I talked to my mom everyday on the phone. But I haven’t been around people … I know he didn’t mean any harm by calling me he was just being a good person offering up help. But I like to be alone when things get tuff, I make a mental note to apologize to him.

COLT.

I sit in class as I wait for her arrival like I’ve done every single day since the accent. Just waiting for her to walk through the door but I never happens, I mean I don’t know her that well but I do care in a weird kind of way. I look up as the bell rings signaling class was about to start and that’s when I see her walking in with her head down I know she can feel all eyes on her, she takes her seat next to mine and relaxes. She looks up at me with watery eyes and I know she’s not okay. I think back to the day that changed everything the look of horror of Lily’s face will haunt me forever I never want to see her in that much pain again. I’ll be here for her when she’s ready and ill love her just like I promised my best friend.

***

Lily

Colt looks just as upset as me but I don’t get it he didn’t know Cody so why does he care so much. Evan a flower blossoms and eventually dies. I think to myself everything and everyone dies. And there’s nothing you or I can do to prevent this, as faith can turn on either of us in the blink of an eye. god why do I have to think so negative sometimes, I run my fingers threw my hair and I sit up straight and ignore the outside world acting like I’m concentrating in class when clearly my mind has other plans for me. I feel his eyes on me, I recite my motto in my head breathe in, breathe out, just breathe, and let it all out. I want to scream at him not because he’s annoying me or the fact that he’s right beside me breathing down my neck. It’s because of the stupid feelings I get when he’s near.

***

After I arrive home from class I make some coffee and I turn on my laptop. I’m not sure how long I sat there for but I wrote down every damn thing I felt and thought since Codyleft me. Death it’s a curl and heart breaking word it makes me feel sick. I look over to where mud is sitting on my bed and I grab him and hung the shit out of a stuffed animal and I cry. For Cody, for me, and I cry for colt because he’s sad too even though I don’t know why. Love is ugly, so damn ugly, from the beginning to the end. No matter how good it feels or sounds its ugly and it causes nothing but sweet pain. I mean every story has to start somewhere right? Mine seems to start with pain. I drag myself from my thoughts and give the house quick tidy around, I can’t stand when something’s out of place, but my life? Well that’s out of place. ‘’Stop just stop’’ I say to myself. I need to stop thinking so negative all the time but it’s hard not too when you lost the things you love and when something new is trying to blossom but you just can’t leave it in. even if you want too. I hear a knock on my door and I suck in a breath it’s him I can feel it. I take a few seconds to get myself together and I pull open the door ‘’ um hey’’ I say quietly ‘’ hey Lily, I’m coming in and this time I’m not taking no for an answer’’ I look at him in horror who does this guy think he is telling me what to do? I ignore my mind and step aside as he has food with him how did he know I was starving. ‘’I bought you some pizza in case you were hungry’’ he says as he takes a seat.’’ Thanks, I’m starved’’ I take a seat next to him and pick up a slice of pizza god it smells so good and tastes even better. I look over to colt who’s just watching me eat I perk up one of my eyebrows ‘’cant a girl eat in piece?’’ I say with a smile on my face really I am grateful. ‘’ I like watching you eat’’ he says with a grin on his face. And that right there was the moment I felt comfortable around him. I give him an eye roll and continue to eat. The silence is comfortable it makes me feel not so raw but makes me relax. ‘’ want to watch a movie or something?’’ he speaks breaking the silence ‘’sure what do you have in mind?’’ ‘’well I didn’t bring any movies with me in case you didn’t leave me in, I would have had to sit in my car alone eating pizza’’ ‘’ imagine what the people passing would think?’’ he’s says threw laughter. And it’s refreshing the sound of his laughter is like sun on a rainy day delightful. I laugh as I speak too ‘’ well I guess you came at the right time, maybe I just let you in because I smelt food’’ I keep laughing at the thought of him sitting in his car eating pizza alone well for tonight neither of us are alone. ‘’so the movie?’’ ‘’oh well let’s see… I have every Nicholas sparks movie?’’  I see confusion on his perfect face, I never did give him enough credit for his beauty. ‘’ Nicholas sparks? Isn’t that the guy that writes the chick flick novels?’’ how he knew that is beyond me. ‘’ yeah… he’s my favorite author’’ with that he’s up and heading to my room ‘’ where are they, I’ll get them’’ ‘’ on the shelf under my books’’ I holler. He comes back out holding them all I laugh at the sight of a man his size and age carrying Nicholas sparks DVDs. He lays them out on the table and I look at them all I haven’t seen Dear John since I was at home so I decide on it. ‘’ nice choice at least I might see a bit of action’’ he jokes. I run into my room and grab blankets and pillows for us. We are on opposite ends of the couch witch feels weird for some reason or another but I ignore it. When we are halfway through the movie I move over next to colt I don’t dare say anything nor does he. We just live in the moment I put my head on his lap and get comfortable he must think I’m crazy but I’m only looking for comfort and this is how I seem to get it. By the time the movie ends colt is asleep I turn around so I can look at him. His breathing is slow I put my hand on his chest and listen thump thump, thump thump.  I take his hand in mine and I run my fingers across his, comfort. That’s what I feel and safe too. Breathe in, breathe out, just breathe and let it all out. I fall asleep saying that in colt’s arms.

COLT.

She let me in.  You have no idea how that felt to have her trust me, to let me hold her care for her. I felt a thousand different emotions in those few seconds. I look down at her perfect face as I move her hair out of her face, she looks so peaceful content even…studying her perfect features and painting a picture in my head in case I never feel this moment again. I want to believe I can make her forget and be happy again maybe not someday soon but someday.  My eyes drift shut as I fall into a deep sleep for the first time since Cody’s
death
. I hold lily close to my heart as I dream of that could be and will be if I have a saying in it this is the beginning of something new and wonderful.

Ever since I fell asleep on Colt I’ve felt more comfortable around him. It’s been 2 weeks since that night and I feel lighter I guess, I like being around him he’s normal. I think about Cody every single day but lately it’s not as hard I think I’ve come to terms with Cody’s death and it that’s what fate decided then ill respect that I just wish he didn’t have to leave me so soon. Stupid fate. I head to class with my mind running wild. After class is over I head home I am meant to be going for dinner with colt tonight, I know it’s a date I knew it the minute he asked ‘’ lily…I’d like to take you for dinner on Friday no excuses yours coming’’. Yep that’s the way the said it what is with men not wanting to take no for an answer? I mean everyone has their own answers, you don’t need someone else to decide for you. But deep down I really wanted to go out with him, I was just nervous and it’s not like I had a choice even if I didn’t want to. I laugh to myself replaying the moment in my mind, today I feel happy, relived, peace. I head to my room and decide on something to ware I go with a strappy red dress… of course its red, red is the best classy yet sexy. After I take a shower I lay on my best munching on a banana and watch the vampire diaries, I’m starving I can’t wait for food. I sit at the edge of my bed smiling and shaking my head. I think I have butterflies.

***

I’m sitting across from colt. It’s like I’m seeing him for the very first time. I take in his pure grey eyes, solid cheekbones and lips that I would die for. He is gorgeous. He’s looking right back at me I wonder if he’s studying me too. He breaks out into a smile such a perfect one. It feels weird knowing that he’s been there for me this whole time even though I didn’t want him there he didn’t take no for an answer he kept trying to help me and I guess he did in a way, comforting me and now I own him this to let him in. there’s a reason I lost my breath every time he was around even when I was with Cody. Just breathe u think to myself maybe just maybe this is what fate wanted. I miss Cody I do I think of him every day. But now it’s time to move on with my life maybe it’s with colt maybe it’s not. I look into his eyes and it’s like he knows I’m ready and I’m here with him. I reach out and take his hand in mine and I smile a genuine smile. And I let out my breath I feel relieved. Maybe it’s wrong of me to be like this with him but everyone deserves a second chance with love and this right here is mine. I can almost taste it.

COLT

She’s amazing. Sitting right here in this restaurant with her is right. She’s here with me in this moment it’s not like before it’s like she is letting go and moving on. When our eyes lock every few minutes I lose my breath she takes it right from my mouth and brings it into hers. She’s different anyone could see that, tonight her eyes have a special glow to them like the moon over a lake glistening. For the duration of our meal we talk about what we like and what we don’t and we get to know each other for the first time. The best feeling in the world is getting to know someone that you’re going to fall in love with and yet you don’t know anything about them there a complete mystery waiting to be figured out.When you finally give into what your heart wants it’s like literally taking your heart out and giving it to someone. I don’t trust love or fate or anything in fact I think it’s a load of crap, but then you find this person that can change all your beliefs and what you think well what you want to believe I guess.

It’s been two weeks since we had our first actual date and two weeks ago that I saw colt for the very first time in a different light. Cody has been gone two months also It still breaks me every day but I seem to be getting better at handling it but then again how can you get over that… could you? I have wrote nearly every day since his passing it helps me get it out of my head and I feel like I’m telling someone like I’m telling Cody almost as if its him I’m talking too.. I want to do something special for Cody I know exactly what I want so I run it threw colt and he thinks it’s the best idea ever. And that’s where we are headed right now to where Cody brought me and showed me what love exists. When we arrive I ask if colt can stay in the car for a few minutes I just need these few moments to be with Cody again. I stand where he took off the blindfold I can almost feel his presence like he’s watching me ‘’ne me quittee pas’’ I say quietly. I feel a tear run down my cheek as I whisper ‘’you left me’’. I feel colt behind me he seems to know when I need him and when I don’t I know its selfish of me to say that but deep down I know I want him there and he’s here to stay. He hands me a Blue balloon I look at him and smile a sad smile as I take it from him.

Breathe in

Breathe out

Just breathe

And let it all out.

I Let go of the balloon and watch it fly into the sky followed by a red one the rain starts to fall and I let out a laugh because it’s like the first time even if he’s not here I can feel him he feels so close . Blue is for Cody he called me blue this is him flying away from me, and the red well that’s me leaving that part of me float away. New beginnings… with just his memories to live on.

I feel a weird sort of relief as we walk back to the car hand in hand colt doesn’t say anything he seems to be in his own thoughts after all he was there when it happened. Expect fate left colt for me. He’s the light in my dark world.

COLT

What’s wrong? I ask lily as she sits on the couch watching her favorite show
Gossip Girl. 
I’ve come to know her inside out over the last few weeks, and right now there’s something bothering her and I have no idea what the hell it is and it’s driving me insane. ‘’ I don’t know, I’m just upset and angry about nothing and everything’’ she replies. Her way of words make me laugh even though I try not to because I know she’s serious. I take a seat next to her and pull her closer to me ‘’talk to me lily’’ ’’ It’s nothing colt it’s just been a rough day I guess’’.

I nod my head in reply, I know she’s hiding something and I’m going to figure out what it is. I go home after lunch as I think she needs to be alone … or maybe she needs girl time or some shit like that.

***

Lily

I don’t know what’s getting into me i just seem to be withdrawing from everyone I’ve been sick too so that hasn’t helped. When I hear colt’s car drive away I take a deep breath.

I decide on doing my fortune cards as I haven’t done them since… you know I don’t even what to because that scared the crap out of me but something’s telling me to do them. After I shuffle and lay out the cards I begin to choose my nine, when I have them picked I put the rest away and focus on my cards, I lay them out too in rows of three, I than turn them over one by one and what my reading is telling me is out of this world so I grab them and throw them into my bedside locker. ‘’ Stupid cards’’ I mumble under my breath. I take out a picture of me and Cody and hold it to my chest he feels so close I think as I fall into a deep sleep. When I wake up I have no idea where I am until I hear cammy at the door ‘’can I come in lily?’’ she asks. Thanks for confirming my where bout’s cammy!

‘’sure, come in’’ I say sleepy. She walks in smiling ‘’so…what’s been up with you your being very weird lately’’ she speaks threw a mouth full of…wait what the hell ‘’uh what are you eating?’’ sardines why?’’ she asks. I look at here like I just saw a ghost I run for the bathroom and vomit everything from my system damn sardines I think to myself. ‘’what the hell lily? Are you sick??’’ no I’m not sick but the smell of those made me sick!!’’ ‘’wait this explains why your being distant, moody now getting sick, you’re PREGNANT!!’’Where the hell did she get that idea from? ‘’are you serious cammy no way am I pregnant’’ and wait why do you have to yell the word pregnant? Now this time she whispers so I can barely here her’’ when did you last get your period? Oh and be honest.’’ It didn’t even occur to me to think of that but anyway I answer her ‘’ maybe like 2 months why?’’ she stands up and starts walking out of the bathroom ‘’come on misses you’re getting a test.’’  I swallow the lump in my throat and follow behind her as I know I need to get one. Stupid cards. After picking up three tests we head home to see what these little sticks are going to say. ‘’ go in and pee on it and leave it on the counter’’ cammy says. ‘’okay, okay wish me look’’ I say threw a nervous laugh. ‘’good luck, you’re going to need it hunny’’ I swallow the lump in my throat as I already know the answer. I try to open the box with shacking hands. I pull out the instructions and read. I have to pee on it for 10 seconds and set it down on a flat surface, and wait. So, I do that I then walk around the bathroom like a crazy person, those three minutes are the slowest of my life. When the alarm goes off on my phone I pick the test up then drop it to the floor I slide down and curl up into a ball and I cry. Everything these cards say are coming through, but how? It’s weird to think a few cards can tell you what’s going to happen, I guess I just didn’t want to believe the truth when I saw them I wanted to believe it wasn’t me but it was. Now I’m pregnant. There is a baby growing inside of me and I don’t know what to do.

‘’lily?? Can I come in?’’ cammy asks. ‘’Okay ‘’ is all I can say. When she opens the door and sees me in the corner se runs to me and picks me up ‘’’shhhh….its ok’’ she whispers while brushing the hair out of my face. I sniffle and look up at her ‘’what am I going to do?’’ I ask simply. ‘’ it will all work its self out lily, don’t worry’’ I don’t reply to her I just sit there staring at my belly where there is a little bump, I thought I was just putting on some weight like I’ve always wanted too but I guess not coming to think of it it does look like a baby bump, how didn’t anyone notice especially me ?. And yet again fate fucks me over. A million things run threw my head as I let it sink in… COLT ‘’cammy, colt?! What do I tell colt I mean he’s not ready for this I can’t ruin his life it’s a baby, its forever well forever for me, he can just leave !’’ ‘’ it’s not going to ruin his life, don’t think like that, colt will be happy don’t worry it might be a shock at first like it is to you right now, but when you get through the shock it will be the best thing that will ever happen to you’’ I let her comforting words soak in.