Blame It on the Shame (Blame It on the Shame: Lou-Lou and Ricardo's Story #1) (20 page)

I clench my fists but his next statement halts me. “I
didn't
do anything, Ricardo. I tried telling her that's
not
why I invited her over, but she zoned out completely and started screaming for me to stop.”

He points to his chest. “I didn't do
anything
to her. I swear on Momma's life I didn't touch her.”

“I believe you,” I tell him.

And I do, I know he wouldn't do something like that despite my knee-jerk reaction when I walked in.

But it doesn't make this god-awful feeling that I have go away. In fact, it only makes it worse because I've heard those kind of screams before.

I
know
what those screams mean.

And I know that she lied to me.

He looks down at the ground. “I don't know where you found her but whatever happened to her...” His voice wavers and he closes his eyes. “I should have listened to you, man. I know now that you were only trying to protect her without divulging her secrets, I get it. No wonder you kept saying she wasn't mine—because that girl
clearly
belongs to whatever evil is still holding her captive. And if it's as bad as I think it is...I can't blame her.”

My stomach churns and I give him a small nod before leaving.

I knock on Lou-Lou's apartment but as usual, she doesn't answer.

Which only leaves me with one option.

I kick the fucking door down.

Chapter 10 (Lou-Lou)

I'm lying face down on the bathroom floor wishing I wasn't such a fucking coward.

Wishing I had the strength to just stick this fucking needle in my arm and end my miserable life. Wishing my self-preservation would just give up and call it quits.

I'll never be normal...no matter how hard I try.

I'll always be dirty and ruined.

I'll always feel his hands on me, touching me in places he shouldn't be touching me and forcing me to do things that little girls shouldn't be forced to do.

I'll always hear my father's voice warning me that if I cry...he'll only make it worse.

God, I wish I was able to cry instead of tremble and shake all the time. I wish I could cry and wash all these sins away.

I squeeze my eyes shut as tremors hit my body with a force great enough to make me start dry heaving.

I feel a pair of arms around me and my first reaction is to start kicking and punching especially when they start shaking me. “No, don't fucking do this to me, Lou-Lou,” Ricardo screams.

I open my eyes and relief splashes across his face. He picks up the needle and examines it. “Thank god,” he whispers when he realizes the heroin was drawn up but wasn't injected.

“Tyrone didn't do anything wrong,” I tell him.

I really don't want him blaming Tyrone for any of this. None of what happened was his fault.

“It's me. I'm so fucked up.”

His face falls and he tries holding me but shudders slam through me again and I roll out of his arms.

I curl up in a fetal position on the floor, my cheek resting against the cold tiles.

I look over and see Ricardo lying beside me on the floor, reaching for my hand. “Please let me in. You don't have to go through this alone.”

The agony in his voice when he says that only makes this feeling worse. I don't want him to care about me, because when he finds out the truth—when he see's how dirty I am...he'll be gone.

And even though we hardly know each other...there's something about him that makes me believe in things again.

Things like fairytales and happy endings.

My chest caves in when the truth rears its ugly head.

Girls like me don't get the fairytales.

Because the white knights never want the dirty, damaged girls.

They know there's nothing left of us that's salvageable...nothing left of us that hasn't already been taken and destroyed.

And saving us? Will only ruin them.

“Leave.” I get up and shove him away. “Just leave me.”

I need him to leave me alone, I don't want to infect him with my poison. I don't want him to see me for what I really am.

My skin crawls and I have to get rid of this feeling.

There's only one place to do that.

I expect him to walk out the door when he watches me haul myself into the bathtub, but he doesn't.

“I'm not leaving you,” he says. “You can scream, you can shove me, you can beat the shit out of me for all I care, but I'm still not leaving. I already told you, if you want to shut the rest of the world out and lock away the key—push everyone away and be a bitch in order to protect yourself...that's fine. I won't stop you and I won't judge you...but you will let
me
in.”

I rest my head against the porcelain. “No, I won't.”

“Too late. Because whether you meant to show me or not—I see you, Lou-Lou. And I'm not going anywhere. Let your guard down with me for one night. That's
all
I'm asking for right now. You can go back to being the tough girl who thinks I'm an asshole tomorrow.”

I open my mouth to tell him to leave again but he strips down to his boxers and walks over to the tub.

He goes to turn the water on but I halt him. “I never fill the tub with water.”

“I'm sorry. I just assumed—”

I cut him off. “There's no point.”

“Why?”

I tell him the biggest truth of all..the truth that I'm forced to live with. “Because the water doesn't wash all the shame away...nothing does.”

That's the monster in the dark that keeps me imprisoned ...that's what kills my soul over and over, every single day.

It's not the despicable acts committed every night in my childhood bedroom that ruined me...it's the shame it caused.

The shame that
never
goes away.

Before I can stop him he's climbing into the bathtub and wrapping his arms around me.

I squirm and try to get out of his hold but he latches on, refusing to let me out of his embrace.

I start pounding on his chest, wishing he wouldn't waste his time on a girl like me...a girl who's tarnished and unclean.

I launch my fist into his chest again. “I refuse to break. I won't let you break me, Ricardo.”

He lifts my chin and looks at me. “I don't want to break you, Lou-Lou.”

He leans his forehead against mine. “But sometimes you have to break in order to be fixed. And if you trust me enough to fall apart, I swear...I'll put you back together again.”

I feel something inside me crack and I fall against his chest.

Then I do something I've never done before.

I let him in and I show him my scars.

Chapter 11 (Ricardo)

“I didn't want it,” she cries. “I
never
wanted it, Ricardo.”

My heart drops down to my stomach and ice flows through my veins.

I'm about to ask her who the motherfucker is so I can find him and kill him slowly and painfully, but she lets out a guttural wail so full of despair it sears my soul.

I squeeze my eyes shut and hold her against me tighter. “I know you didn't. It's not your fault.”

I feel her tears the moment they hit my chest and every single one of them puncture me.

Then she drops the hammer and shatters what little composure I have to fucking smithereens when she tells me how her father used to sneak into her room every night and all the horrible things he did to her.

I'd like to consider myself a strong person...but I'm no match for her strength.

She's not the only one falling apart right now because I'm right here with her. I feel everything she's telling me and I feel every ounce of her pain.

No wonder she calls DeLuca her savior. That's exactly what he is if he saved her from this nightmare.

“I didn't want it,” she cries over and over again.

It's like the most heartbreaking sound in the world is being played on repeat, ripping my insides apart.

The only thing I can do is tell her that it's not her fault and pray she believes me.

I beg her to tell me where he is or to give me a name but she tells me DeLuca already took care of it and he's dead.

Her sobs become inaudible and my own eyes become glassy.

“I'm so ugly,” she whispers through sobs.

It throws me because that couldn't be further from the truth. “You're beautiful,” I tell her.

“Not on the inside where it counts. My insides are dirty and ugly.”

I brush her tears away and look into her eyes. “Then you don't see the parts that I do.”

And I mean it...my god, do I mean it.

I stand up without letting her go and she wraps her legs around my waist.

“Where are we going?” she chokes out through more sobs.

“To your safe place,” I tell her.

I can't do anything to take away her past but I
can
show her there are men out there who would
never
do what that bastard did to her.

I can show her that she'll always be safe with me and that I'll never hurt her.

I can be her friend...and maybe...I can save her in ways I know my father can't.

But only if she keeps letting me in.

Chapter 12 (Lou-Lou)

I haven't cried in so long and now that I've started, I feel like I can't stop.

“It hurts so much. I just want all the pain to go away. Every time I close my eyes he's all I see and feel.”

My next round of sobs are so intense it hurts to breathe.

He drops down to his knees and looks up at me. His expression is a combination of both sadness and determination.

I'm about to ask him what he's doing but then he says, “Tell me where it hurts. Tell me where it hurts so I can take it all away.”

I close my eyes and tell him another truth. “Everywhere. I hurt everywhere.”

I almost jump when I feel his lips brush across my stomach but when I look into his eyes, I don't see Bruno anymore.

I only see Ricardo.

He continues planting the softest, sweetest, most tender kisses across my belly before moving on to my arms and then my legs.

I'm briefly confused as to why he avoids parts of my body that other men wouldn't.

And then it hits me.

Fresh tears stream down my face when I realize these aren't sexual kisses at all...these are kisses that are meant to heal me. He's trying to put me back together like he said he would.

He lifts his head and holds my gaze. “I need you to know that I'll
never
take something from you that you don't give me.”

I feel my heart come undone in a way I never thought possible. He makes to stand and I throw my arms around his neck and rest my head on his shoulder.

He kisses my cheek and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “I know it's hard to believe given what you've been through, but there are men out there who would never do what he did.”

I know his words are meant to provide comfort, but they do the exact opposite...because I've never known one.

And there's no way I can tell him that.

If I tell him what Bruno did and Ricardo goes after him, his friends are as good as dead.

Bruno has all sorts of contingencies in place and he's five steps ahead of everyone.

I know Bruno would never kill Ricardo, seeing as he's his son and the only heir to take his place...but if Ricardo makes one wrong move, there is no telling what he would do to those Ricardo cares about.

I never really thought about Ricardo's position before. But now, I realize how much it has to suck. His own life is protected because of who
he
is, but it has to be an unsettling feeling to know those you care about are stuck on a seesaw being operated by a madman.

A madman that I love as much as I hate.

Which only makes my head spin because my feelings for Ricardo are becoming confusing.

And if I'm not careful, those feelings will get me killed. I know Bruno said to seduce Ricardo when he sent me here...but I can't.

Because I wouldn't be seducing Ricardo.

I'd be giving him even more of me and if Bruno loves me as much as Ricardo says he does...who knows what the fallout from that would be.

I know what I have to do. I know what I have to tell him, how to keep him safe. I have to attempt to kill this connection we have.

“You want to hear another truth?”

He gives me a small nod and I draw in a shaky breath. “Whatever this is between us, it can't happen. I love your father, Ricardo. He's a monster but I will always love him. Even if it makes me a monster too.”