Blasphemous (16 page)

“I hate it, too, but there’s nothing I can do about it.” When tears started to form behind my burning eyes, I slowly got up and sat on the bed. Even though I was still drunk, I wanted a change of clothes. “Can I borrow a shirt? I need to get out of this dress.”

“Of course.” Carter got up, took a shirt from the drawer and handed it to me. “You still have your things here. You never came back for them.”

He handed me my large white shirt that had a brown bear with a ‘hug me’ across it. “Oh, right. I’d totally forgotten about that.” My hand took hold of the shirt before departing for the restroom. I hadn’t bothered turning on the light since my reflection was the last thing I needed to see. I already felt like I died, but death spat me out, so I was alive yet barren inside. Getting out of my dress was fairly easy and I sighed with relief as I slid the soft, over-washed cotton over my figure.

When I stepped out of the bathroom, I found Carter back in bed, watching every move I made with dark desire in his eyes. I was undaunted. Well, as before, I would probably be uncomfortable.

His eyes followed as I slid onto the bed. He then reached out and switched off the lamp on his side table. I was on my side, facing him, curious and at the same time needing to think of something other than Bass. “How have you been, Carter?”

“Missing you like hell. That’s all I ever do, apart from soccer and hanging out with the guys, you are all I think about.”

“Why haven’t you given up, though? I’ve rejected you all summer long.” Yet still, you persisted.

“I loved you before, when we were together, but I never realized just how much until I lost you this time around. I believe in my heart that we still have a chance together.”

Regrets were the worst kind of failure. Carter and I were in the same boat on that score, but sadly, headed for a different destination. “I believe it, too, in my heart, that Bass and I still have a chance to make this work. What do I do when he doesn’t care about it, though?”

“If he really does love you, he won’t let you go.”

“What happens if he does it this time? What do I do then?”

“Move on,” he murmured, before adding, “and come back to me, Emma.”

Ha, there’s wishful thinking for you. “Goodnight, Carter,” I whispered, closing my eyes.

I had no clue what time sleep finally caught me, but I knew Carter’s eyes never left me. I could feel him, staring until I slept.

~E~

“I want to be your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.”

- Author Unknown

The next day, I found myself in the same situation, BUT when it was closing time at three in the morning, I found myself driving towards the freeway.

Not that I was an irresponsible person, but I drove drunk for the very first time to Bass’s house with his gate remote and key on my dashboard. I barely stopped when I got to his house and unceremoniously opened it without much care if he would get mad at me for trespassing at his home.

I had to see him.

I was dying to see him.

The entire house was blasting
Stop and Stare
by One Republic. I paused for a moment, unsure what to do.  In my too eager stubbornness, I forgot to stop and consider if Lydia was here with him.

His home was dark, but there were lights coming out of the kitchen, so I strode towards it. I started to feel unsure when the song changed to
Apologize
. The lyrics sang into my heart. Each word pierced through me making me a bit unsteady.

I spun around to leave, but I found my drunk-self eyeing my last meal on earth. Bass only had some rugged jeans on with a bottle of wine in his hand.

The rest was pure gloriously bare skin.

This
, HIM, was what I needed. What I’ve been craving for the last week. Bass—only him and no one else.

“Emma?” Bass called out, looking at me as if to make sure I wasn’t a ghost or his imagination playing tricks with him.

He took a remote control from his back pocket and cut off the music before diverting his attention back to me. “What are you doing here? It’s four in the morning,” Bass said, disbelieving, as he looked at me like I’d lost my mind.

I probably had, amongst other things.

I was desperate, though, and I wanted to hold onto whatever I could. “I needed to see you tonight.” I licked my lips as my eyes roved over his fantastic form. “I want…” I trailed off as I slowly strode towards him. Bass suddenly froze on the spot when my finger brushed over his chest, trailing it until it hit his jeans. “You…” I whispered before I leaned over against his ear. “Fuck me. Anywhere and everywhere you want.” I heard him take a sharp breath and I could feel his heart pounding against mine, but he got hold of my arm and slowly pushed me off his body.

“No, Emma. You’re obviously drunk. We’ve already discussed this. You need to let me go.”

Rejection, again, each time felt like the first. New wounds split open as I tried to compose myself. “You can’t mean that… I don’t believe you. I’ve said it before and I’m going to say it again, I’m sorry for hiding it from you. I’ve regretted it ever since.” Tears started to form in my eyes, but I was shattered to see his closed-off self after I brought up the subject again.

“Emma—”

I knew what was going to come out, so I had to cut him off. “Tell me what to do, Bass! I’ll do it just to have you back,” I desperately pleaded, knowing I’d do anything to have him with me again. “Anything, just to have you back.” Choked up, I continued my plea, “I’m hurting without you. I’m breaking—I can’t think of anything else but you, Bass. So, please, for the last time, I’m asking you to reconsider and give us another chance to be together.”

“We’ve been here before.” He continued to look determined and heartless. His resolve hardened. “You have to understand that there’s no more us.”

No. No. No.

“Don’t you love me?” I brokenly whispered, trying to understand everything he was telling me.

“You misunderstand, Emma. This is not about love anymore, it’s about trust. You’ve betrayed it each time I handed it back to you. Why should I chance it again?
So, you could trample on it a third time?
I think not. We need to start letting go of each other.”

I looked at him like he was talking like a mad man. “How could you willingly throw everything away?”

His jaw locked, gritting his teeth before he gave me a wrathful stare. “You did it quite easily, Emma. I suppose I could do the same, as well. Besides, I don’t want to be with a woman who’s in love with two men.” Those piercing depths held a knife in my heart, slowly pushing it in, twisting it inside, bleeding me alive. “I want to be the only one. I want a woman who only craves me and no other man. I need a woman who can make me happy without me doubting her commitment. I’ve exhausted myself believing in you, Emma.”

“But—”

Bass cut me off, harsh, decisive and unwavering. “There’s nothing to go back to. We have to start moving on,
you should know that
.”

Damn it!
Why did I come out here?
I was beyond repair—ego and confidence. I just had to accept that Bass didn’t want to be with me any longer. Why was that so hard to accept? FUCK! We were done and that’s that. I shouldn’t keep begging.

I was becoming past pathetic while I stood, bewildered and frantic, with my mouth hanging ajar. I wanted to argue, I wanted him to want me back again, but I was out of argument. Why should I keep pushing myself on him when he’d been telling me to back the hell off?

It is time to go, Emma
, I told myself. Let it go. Let
him
go.

It was time.

Nodding as if in agreement with my thoughts, I spoke quietly, “You’re right, I should move on, go ahead and jump in Carter’s bed. Thank you! Maybe I should just take your advice and see him now.” At least, I could just jump on Carter’s bed, sleep there and not feel so alone.

Unwanted.

Undesirable.

I was about to spin around and leave, but his stoic stance broke and I was rooted on the spot as I watched him drastically throw the wine bottle on the floor, breaking it and splattering the contents all over the floor. Red liquid and shards of green glass were scattered close to him in his barefoot state, but he was past caring as he undauntedly strode towards me with wild, feral eyes. “You come in my home, try to seduce me and—the second I decline you—
you decide to insult me?
  HOW FUCKING DARE YOU SPEAK ABOUT FUCKING HIM IN FRONT OF ME! Don’t you have any care or respect for me at all?”

If I
was sane, I would have tried to comfort him and apologize.

But. I. Was. Not. That. Person.

A person shouldn’t trust a drunk, broken-hearted woman because they were bitter, angry, and tactless beings. “
That’s what you wanted, right?
Then I’ll go ahead and let him fuck me until I’m out of it. Bye.”

I was leaving this fucking place
, I thought as I started to walk towards the foyer with newfound determination.

“Emma!” he yelled as he tried to grab my arm before pushing me against the wall next to the silent waterfalls. “You’re drunk. I’ll take you to a hotel and you can rest there.”

Yeah, fuck you.

“I’m fine. I can drive. I’m really sorry to interrupt your night.” My eyes searched his as I tried to compose myself. “This won’t happen again. I was just having a rough night and I just missed you so fucking much, I’m going nuts, but I understand now. It’s really over.” I gave him another look, readying for a quick departure and I was almost out the door when he howled so loud it echoed for a good minute, making my ears ring.

“What the hell did you expect then,
a thank you?
” he yelled at the top of his lungs, breaking my stride. “You broke my fucking heart!” He was ferocious and disgustingly tenacious towards me. “You broke it twice,” he added in a mere whisper.

No. I’ve seen him like this in Greece and I wasn’t going to fight back. It wasn’t wise. I’d better leave before he pushed me to spar with him. With a shaky hand, I grabbed the door handle and opened it, but I was shocked when the door slammed back shut and I was thrown into a corner.

Bass was now livid.

And so was I.

An animalistic sound came from me as he gripped me tighter before he unexpectedly crushed his lips against my own. His sudden action confused me for a second; a part of me wanted to pull away, just to make a point, but a big part of me was rejoicing that he was kissing me again.

After weeks of withdrawal, I was injected with my euphoric drug. Hell, it felt beautiful, sweet and agonizingly sad. This kiss felt like it was our last meal. Like we knew we were going on a long-winded journey without each other. I wanted to ingrain it in my memory. Imprint each beautiful touch in my heart. I was never going to love another man the way I loved Bass. This man was my greatest love of all. I may be young, but I knew it was true. Each cell, each fiber, each drop in me told me the truth.

He was it
. He was the one.

I was too consumed with my thoughts and holding onto his hard body against mine before I felt a sudden shift in him. He was the first one to break our kiss, placing his forehead against mine, lips parted, breathing heavily. “You fucking drive me crazy, Emma.
I hate it!
I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling uncontrollable. I hate everything about it. I hate it all.”

Meaning, I hate you. Simple.

After going through this fog of heartbreak, I never stopped to think once that he would hate me. I never saw that coming. It hurts, dammit. I was disgusted at my attempts of getting him back. I’d turned into a woman I barely knew anymore. My actions were sad, desperate, and downright pathetic.

Bass was now looking at me, our noses almost touching. “Thank you for letting me
love you. Even if it was only for a short time, I will never forget it.”

This was it. This was our last goodbye.

Forever, I knew I was going to bleed forever, but I was going to accept it. Learn to live with it as if it were my normal.

I sadly gazed at him, unashamed as my tears fell to the floor. I gave him one last hug. I held onto him, telling him everything that I couldn’t form into words; how sorry I was, that I was never going to forget him, that he was special, he was my heart. That my life was never going to be the same, but at the same time, I hugged him for giving me a piece of paradise—even if it was for a short time—it was going to be a cherished memory I was going to keep until I was old, unbeknownst to my husband, my grandkids, and my children. My memories of him were mine and I meant to keep them somewhere unreachable, burying it somewhere safe, along with my heart.

I lovingly cupped his cheek, gazing at him through my tears, before I tasted his lips for the last time. “I love you. Remember me once in awhile.”

With one last breath, I walked out of there.

It was time to move on… whatever that meant anymore.