Blocked (29 page)

Decker glared at his brother, not finding any humor in the situation.

“Look, the only good part of Olivia was that she gave you Charlie. That little girl is a rock star. But otherwise, you know damn well, while I hate to speak ill of the deceased, the woman was nasty. I’ve met April. So has Mom. She’s good people, Deck.”

“I know she is.”

Ford shrugged as if the answer was as easy as a simple apology. “Make sure she knows that you’re seeing only
her,
and that the past is where it belongs. Buried.”

“And how do I do that? What should I do?” “

“Dude, you really have no clue about women do you?” Ford chuckled. “It’s all in the flowers. The bigger the better.”

Had Decker not been exhausted he would have rolled his eyes instead, he just closed them.

Chapter Twenty

No Whites and No Dents

AFTER RUNNING FIVE miles on the track at the middle school where she worked, April drove home to get a shower before picking Elijah up at day care. It had been months since she’d exercised anywhere other than the gym where she and Decker met, but that afternoon, she couldn’t make herself go there. She needed the cardio to burn off the anger, frustration, and hurt that were lodged in her chest, but the thought of seeing him and pretending that she was okay or, even worse, not seeing him and wondering where he was made her stomach twist.

The car was unusually quiet. No music, no chatting on the phone, just the breeze filtering in through the open windows, cooling down her sweat-slickened skin. She didn’t need additional noise when her mind was filled with the previous night’s heartbreak. Learning, after nearly two full days, that she hadn’t been a thought in his mind while he’d occupied almost all of hers would have broken her if she’d let it. The pain felt as real as any wound she’d ever suffered in the past. “Thank God I never told him I love him.”

A little voice in her head chastised,
Just because you didn’t say it doesn’t mean you didn’t feel it.

She swiped the tears that trailed down her cheeks, remembering the way Decker had filled her body with his own, the way he touched her skin, made love to her heart, then just as easily tore at her soul when he left without giving her a second thought.

“I was right to end things.” She sniffled. “Better to leave him now than to have him decide to leave me for good later.”

Feeling better after her shower—well, at least cleaner—April grabbed her keys and walked out to her car. She felt his presence there waiting for her on her porch but couldn’t bring herself to acknowledge him. Not when the pain was still so raw. So instead, she continued the short distance to her car.

“April, we need to talk, please.”

Pulling in a shaky breath, she turned to face him. It looked as though she wasn’t the only one who hadn’t slept in the last two nights. Purple smudges rested under Decker’s dark sullen eyes, his hair was rumpled as if he’d run his fingers through it dozens of times while searching for answers, and judging by the tightness of his jaw, he hadn’t found them. He wore a tee shirt and shorts, his basic exercise garb, but neither appeared wrinkled or sweat-stained. It took physical effort not to rake her eyes up and down his body, not to reach out and touch the man looking destroyed in front of her, but she stood firm. She kept her distance and reminded herself that
he
left
her
.

“No, Deck, we have nothing to talk about.” Once her body thawed from its frozen state, she attempted to walk around him to her car.

“April?” He reached out and wrapped his fingers around her wrist. The warmth of his skin sent tingles up her arm before branching out through her abdomen. “I’m sorry.”

When Decker closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, April contemplated tearing her arm free and escaping to her car, but when his lids lifted, the honesty she saw staring back at her kept her rooted in place.

“I can’t take back what I did. It was a dick move, but it wasn’t intentional, and it won’t ever happen again. Olivia… she never wanted to know about work-related stuff, and it pissed her off if work interfered with our personal life. She more than once told me she’d rather not know where I was than to think work was more important than she was.”

There was no way April heard him correctly. What woman would feel that way? Her skin felt chilled when Decker released her arm and wrung his hands together.

“After she passed… well, I haven’t had to explain my whereabouts to anyone but Charlie in a long time…” His pained eyes met hers as he finished his explanation. “After waiting a lifetime to meet the perfect woman, I found you, and when we finally got the chance to be together… work got in the way.” His fists clenched and unclenched as his frustration rose to the surface. “My mind flipped onto auto-pilot, April.
Take care of work and then go home to her
. Just the way I did with Olivia.”

“Just how you did with Olivia?” Icy water thrown in her face wouldn’t have appalled her more than being compared in any way to the heinous bitch he’d been married to. “Tell me, Decker,” she seethed, “what part of
me
, of
our
relationship has reminded you of your marriage?” His rounded stare and wordless response ratcheted her anger up even more. “You came over here to talk, so talk! When did I ever act like your work wasn’t important? Did I shut you down or turn you away when you discussed your jobs or the two men who were giving you a hard time?” Had the volume of her voice not increased, she swore he would have heard the sound of her heart slamming into her ribcage. “The same two men who were the reason for the emergency call on Saturday night. You said you loved me—”

“I do, baby, I’m so in love with you.”

As Decker stepped forward, she took a step back. “No, you obviously don’t even know me. Reality check, Decker, I would have understood. I would’ve been supportive, I would’ve welcomed you back with open arms had you just trusted me.” Her throat felt thick as her thoughts churned in her head. “I’ve been hurt before, and the pain was unimaginable…” She breathed in deep, trying to get enough air in her lungs to say what was on her mind.

Decker’s eyes flared. His brows snapped together, and April knew that he understood she was now comparing
him
to her ex-husband.

“I’m nothing like that sorry son of a bitch.”

Unwanted tears stung her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. “Ben left me for another woman, and I couldn’t imagine anything ever hurting worse, but I was wrong. I’d rather be left for someone else than just not be important enough to hold on to.” Barely keeping her own emotions in check, April quickly shifted her glance away from Decker’s, knowing that she would crumble if she saw in his eyes a modicum of the pain she was feeling staring back at her.

“April.”

Shit, she didn’t need to see his face to hear the agony in his plea.

“It shouldn’t have happened, and I’m so fucking sorry, but I promise you”—the pain was masked with sure-fire determination as his vow landed on her back—“it will
never
happen again.”

Keeping her back to him, she nodded once. “I believe you, Decker—”

“You do?” His relief was nearly tangible as he approached her from behind, wrapped his arms around her, and dropped a soft kiss on her head. Being in his embrace felt like visiting one’s childhood home after another family had moved in—familiar but temporary, comfortable but no longer safe. “April, oh, honey, thank you.”

“No, no, stop.” She turned to face him, and bile inched up the back of her throat. Pressing her lips together, she lifted her eyes to his. “I believe you’re sorry, Decker. And I also know that it will never happen again, because I’m never gonna let it. I’m done… we’re done. I can’t do this anymore.”

While Decker stood there speechless, she got into her car and drove away.
Keep it together. Keep it together.
She chanted the words over and over in her head as she forced even breaths in through her nose and out through her mouth. There was no way she’d pick Eli up from day care with red puffy eyes and a runny nose. No, she had to stay strong for her little boy because he was going to suffer enough for both of them. She bit down on the inside of her cheek, and the metallic taste of blood hit the tip of her tongue.

“This is why you didn’t date, so Eli wouldn’t have to suffer through your breakups,” she scolded herself. “Now he too will hurt because you had to be selfish. Fuck.” Having to explain to her son why they wouldn’t be spending time with their favorite duo made her sick.

As she pulled into the parking lot, April had convinced herself that it would be best for Elijah if she redirected all discussions that geared toward Decker and Charlie for as long as possible, making up excuses for Decker’s absence until absolutely necessary. Then she’d tell Eli a portion of the truth. After all, she thought, how much could a four-year-old really understand?

She slapped on a smile, exited her RDX, and entered the building where her son was awaiting her arrival.
I made the right choice
, she reminded herself again as she signed in at the front desk.
Eli’s my first and only priority. The last thing he needs is a basket case for a mom.

* * *

“HEY, ALL, SORRY I’m late,” Decker called out as he walked into his mother’s house after work to find his brother and daughter sprawled out on the floor in what appeared to be an epic Wii battle of
Mario Kart
. He smacked a loud kiss on Charlie’s cheek, her giggles warming him up from the inside out.

“It’s okay, Daddy.” Her attention never left the television. “Grammy gave me a snack a little while ago so we could wait for you to have dinner. But I’m still hungry.” Charlie’s hazel eyes widened with excitement as she crossed the finish line before her uncle. “We’re having pancakes! Wanna play again, Uncle Ford?”

The hunger that had gnawed in his gut only seconds before fled, leaving an unsettled pang of yearning and loneliness. He could almost taste the surgery strawberry syrup that April and Eli drowned their pancakes in and the way her lips glistened with the pink confection after she’d finished eating. The Tuesday nights the four of them shared at IHOP were some of his favorites, and in the two weeks since she’d left him standing in her driveway, he’d mourned for them as much as everything else. With Charlie and Ford wrapped up in another race, Decker headed into the kitchen, popped open a beer, and watched his mother turn batter into magical discs of love—her words, not his.

“Hello, son.”

“Hey, Mom.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss on her soft cheek.

Robyn flipped a pancake before shifting her eyes first to Decker’s beer then back to the cooktop. “I know for a fact that your mother taught you better than to serve yourself without asking others if they’d like something.”

He fought the urge to grin. “Uh, gee, Mom, would you like something to drink?”

“Why, yes, honey, I’d love a beer. Thank you for asking.” She flipped another pancake and mumbled with a smile under her breath, “What a thoughtful man.”

He knew her comment was meant to be a joke. After all, he’d always been known as the considerate one of the Brand boys. He was the one who remembered birthdays and special occasions. He was the responsible one who had stepped in when his father died and watched over his mother in the best way a sixteen-year-old boy could. He kept Ford out of trouble and cleaned up after his brother when the trouble wasn’t avoided, and when he made a poor choice and married the wrong woman, he had at least been smart enough to make sure a pre-nuptial had been signed, protecting BC in the event anything went wrong—foreshadowing at its finest. Yet when it came to April…

“Sweetie, what’s going through that head of yours? I can practically hear the cogs turning.” Robyn slid the fluffy cakes out of the pan, turned off the heat, and sat down on the stool at the breakfast bar. Decker took her raised brows as his invitation to join her.

“I’ve always been thoughtful, Mom.” It was a statement not a question.

Placing her hand on her chest, Robyn sighed. “Oh honey, I was just joking before. Of course you’re a thoughtful man.” His mother’s tone was filled with compassion. “You’re kind and considerate. I’m blessed to have you for a son, and Charlie couldn’t have a better father.”

He nodded, believing the things his mother said. Not because he was cocky but because he lived his life each day trying to be the best person he could be—loyal and fair to others, considerate and truthful without intentionally being unkind but also without getting stepped on. That last part was learned throughout his marriage to Olivia and during the time he grieved her passing. However, he still hadn’t learned one extremely important lesson, and that may have cost him the woman of his dreams. “Yeah, I may be all of those things, Mom, but—”

“But you fucked things up with the girl.” Ford clapped his hands on Decker’s shoulders and squeezed before releasing and grabbing a beer from the refrigerator.

Decker tensed as his inner thoughts were verbalized.

“Ford,” Robyn barked, “there’s no reason to be obnoxious. Your brother knows he screwed up. We’ve discussed it at least a half a dozen times.”

They had. Decker hadn’t seen his mom that angry in years as she was the night he called to tell her what had happened with April. Robyn actually drove to his condo to reprimand him about his carelessness in person once Charlie went to sleep. Although once she released the woman’s wrath inside of her, she morphed back into Mom-mode and comforted her son and his broken heart.

“He’s right, I fucked up with April. She won’t so much as return my texts, and today I found out that she put her gym membership on hold indefinitely.”

Each day that went by without contact was worse than the day before. Knowing she was out there moving on and not knowing if he even crossed her mind was a form of torture he wouldn’t wish on his worst enemy… okay, he wished it on Ben Spears, but that was it.

“I miss her,” he rambled. “I understood before why she was upset when I went radio silent for an entire twenty-four, especially the way I left her, but now… after weeks of nothing… I’m going out of my fucking mind. I just want to know she’s okay.” He looked from his brother to his mom, not expecting information but wishing they had an answer anyway. “I miss Eli. That little boy is … grrr… he’s something special. You both know me. You know I don’t make the same mistakes twice, you know that.” He wasn’t certain why he was pleading his case to them—maybe because they were the only two who would listen to him. “I just… I don’t know.”