BOMAW Vol. 10-12 (56 page)

"And do what mom? What's the use? It's over - nothing you can say or do, will reverse anything. What's done is done."

"Oh it'll be done all right - right after I give her a piece of my mind! And when I'm done with her, I sure hope to hell I've calmed down by the time your father's home or he'll be getting a strip ripped out of him as well. And I'm telling you now, once Jake hears this, knows its a sure thing, he'll be getting hurt all over again. Just wanted you to know, I'm on my way out, it's my turn to stir up some shit now. Talk to you later."

{{ Click}}

Shawn's thumb brushed over the end talk button and clicked the phone off, placing it slowly back on its perch.

Jake! She was worried about Jake. He set back in the chair and allowed himself to slump a bit, thinking, "Benjamin Caesar McPherson ... you are my son. Mine. My first born, my eldest and she's worrying about Jake!" Shawn scoffed shaking his head, "Poor Jake!" As he sat, he thought about all the years that had gone by, when no one said a word to him, not one word. He hadn't even known of Ben's existence until he came home with Deidre and learned that he and Kevin were Jake's sons by Christine. All the years kept rolling by in his head along with the thought that another man had raised his son. All the years when he should have been raising him - himself. He thought about Sylvia, she'd known it, said it right from the start. Shawn sat there until he could hear everyone from upstairs, waking up, getting out of bed. Then the sound of small rapid running feet. The quiet peace of morning was gone, to be replaced by the sound he loved most. The sound of his family. All of his children, his wife. And among them, he own flesh and blood son ... the eldest.

There was a great deal that came with being the eldest, a great deal.

The door opened, his wife.

"Kids are up, breakfast ready, you coming?"

"Come here and close the door, that can wait a moment."

Sylvia closed the door and walked across the room to the front of his desk, "Come around here to me, right here." He instructed, turning his chair, and grabbing her wrist when she was in reach, pulling her close to him. His large hands palmed her rounding tummy, "Thank you for this." He stated softly, looking up at her.

"For what?" She asked, smoothing back a wild lock of hair from his brow.

"For giving me, more children - for being the kind of woman you are. For loving me, no matter how hard it sometimes is."

"Okay my husband, what's going on?"

Shawn was staring up at her, chewing on his lip a moment and then, "You were right, about Ben."

"What exactly was I right about?"

"He's my son. Not Jake's... but mine."

She sucked in and then blew out, nodding, accepting. "How do you feel about that?"

"I'm feeling lots of things. No particular order to any of it yet."

"Is, joy, gladness, pride in there anywhere?"

"Right now, I'm just - ... I don't know ... I'm uh, angry. I'm pissed I think. Another man, raised my son - another man, molded him, shaped him, made him into someone that I hope, I can see and feel is my son. She had no right - to give my son - to another to raise. She had no right."

"Shawn, I don't think he did such a bad job."

"That's not the point! He is the son, of the oldest son ... and as my son, he should have been taught to be, what I am, as the oldest son, of the McPherson's! Not Jake's son! The baby boy of the family - who is not capable of raising a son, shaping him, molding him into a man! Especially not - mine! Perfect example, he fuckin' let's another man ... raise - my - son! My eldest son - my first!"

Sylvia stepped back, watching him, stunned and yes, worried about what she was seeing.

"Shawn! What are you saying? You're not making any sense. There's nothing wrong with Benjamin."

Shawn stood from his chair and began pacing, growing more agitated by the moment. "Oh yeah, there's something wrong with him... wanna know what that is? He had Jake as a father, who couldn't even be bothered to raise his own son... let alone mine! What kind of man, sits back and let's someone else, influence his son, teach his son, inject their ideas of philosophies, beliefs, strengths or for that matter weaknesses and morals of life - into their flesh and blood son?"

"Shawn where is this coming from? I mean, Jake told you that he was more than likely yours, you didn't react that way then, why are you reacting this way now?!"

"You wanna know why? Because I didn't really - believe it! He slept with her! For some strange and ridiculous reason - I couldn't imagine her sleeping with him knowing she carried my son!"

"You went to her Shawn, you confronted her, if you didn't really believe it - what was that all about?!"

"It was about, what if... just ... what if. But she railed and raged so much that I decided to just drop it. I had so much going on, trying to catch up with work, that one moment my mind wondered, if it was so, and then to dismissing the idea as ridiculous and maybe... okay, maybe ... a bit of wishful thinking."

"There Shawn, you said it, wishful thinking! So there must be something about him, that churned up that desire in you! He is obviously something to be proud of, or you wouldn't have been deep into that wishful thinking! Now all of a sudden, because it's a fact beyond a shadow of a doubt, you're angry, you're-..."

The door to the study came open then, Ben stood in it looking in at them.

"I'm sorry for interrupting you two, but - we couldn't help but over hear you. Are you talking about me?"

Sylvia exhaled deep looking from him to Shawn.

Shawn stood staring across the room at the young man that he now knew was his and his anger and resentment grew.

"Well? What's going on? Are you two discussing me or not?"

"Yes Ben we are." Sylvia spoke up.

"I see, so - what's going on?"

"Your grandmother called." Shawn started, "The test results are in, they came today."

Ben stood with wide eyes looking from Sylvia to Shawn. Crystal stepped into the door looking at Shawn, standing next to Ben, "Well?"

Shawn's eyes went from one waiting face to the other, and last to Ben, saying, "You ... are my son. Your mother has been lying, all of this time. All of this time! TWENTY-TWO FUCKING YEARS!!!" He blasted reeling from it as it sunk in.

"SHAWN!" Sylvia shouted at him.

Adrenaline shot through him with such a force, fuelled by a rage of frustration, his arms thrust into the air with his first balled so tightly his arms shook, the cords in his neck standing out, with the gnashing of his teeth he struggled to hold back more outbursts.

"Shawn, you need to calm down."

He was so angry, his body tremored with tears filling his eyes.

Sylvia, Ben, Crystal and Mundo all stood watching him as he turned his back to them, going to the window where he gripped the seal, his back corded, flexed, braced - looking unapproachable.

Sylvia turned to them and walking their way, "I think we need to leave him alone for a bit, come on, breakfast is getting cold." Not sure what else to do, they all followed her out of the room; deciding that it might be a good idea. Sylvia fixed their plates and couldn't help but look at Ben, each time she did, she saw a younger Shawn. That he was troubled, maybe even a bit hurt and confused by his reactions was clear. She reflected back on Shawn's past, the way he was raised by his father, as the oldest son, as the one he shaped and trained to protect all the others. The one he made into the man he was now. One troubled and haunted with such intense, emotional convictions that he could be frightening. She stared at Ben, because once, she'd wanted her son, to be his first born, and now ... she was glad he was not. Sylvia stared at Ben, because she was suddenly worried about what it would mean, to be Shawn Everett McPherson's, first born son.

"What?" Ben asked her softly, because her eyes held such sadness, fixed on him. He couldn't eat.

"Let's go outside, okay?"

Ben looked down around the table at the others, Crystal last and then back to Sylvia, "Okay." He pushed away from the table, following her out by the pool.

They walked towards the far side as Sylvia began, "There's something I need you to know, to understand. What I'm going to tell you, is not good - in fact, depending on how close you are to your grandfather, it may hurt you."

"I can't imagine anything you could say about my grandfather that would hurt me and what does that have to do with Shawn, my father - who obviously is not happy with the outcome."

"It's not that Ben, that's why I brought you out here, there are things about my husband, you need to know, to understand about him. Well, hear me out first."

"Okay."

"You know your grandfather served in Vietnam?"

"Yes, I know about that."

"Well, when he came back, he brought back quite a bit of baggage, some serious issues and things that - I really don't understand, because I don't know all there is to know about him, but ... I do know this - Shawn became his means of outlet. He put things on Shawn, when he was a young boy, that no child, should have been burdened with."

"I don't know what you're saying." Ben stopped before her, turning to look down at her.

"Ben, Bartholomew - your grandfather ... abused his son, Shawn - your father. As his oldest son, he forced upon him, demanded of him certain things that are so deeply wired into him, he at times is overcome by it all. One of those things, is his feeling that he is solely responsible for the rest of the family, that as the oldest son, anything wrong, he has to right. Because of Bart, he carries a great deal on his shoulders and there are times when its too much. Yet, he won't lay his burden down, he is, the oldest son."

"Look, my grandfather wouldn't abuse anyone, why are you speaking against him that way? I happen to know that my grandfather hated that he wasn't home! He has always praised Shawn, his oldest son!"

"Ben, I'm not speaking against your grandfather in the way that you think, I'm trying to get you to understand, that Shawn - is marred, scarred - injured - broken. And if Bart hated that he wasn't home, it was because he blamed himself for his oldest son taking off! And as for Shawn - he will never admit that to you, me, or anyone else for that matter. He's in total and complete denial. I need you, to keep what I'm saying inside your head - so you can understand him. Because I get a bad, aching feeling, this man whom you've been needing to know as your father, is not the father you've been looking for. Just remember that; for now, I'm not going to say anymore." She turned and made her way back to the house. When she stepped in through the glass doors, Shawn was entering the kitchen. His face, strained, red and drawn.

Crystal, Mundo, the boys, were quiet around the table. Sylvia grabbed a plate to fix him breakfast.

"Don't, I'm going out for a bit - I'll be back later."

Sylvia set the plate on the counter and left it alone.

*

Wisconsin...

Christine had been sweeping out her front porch, standing in the door of it when Gert, driving her silver, 2005 Lincoln Town car pulled into the yard. Christine stood watching her as she cut the engine parked behind her own vehicle. The door opened and she stood from it. Christine smiled, nervous in her stomach, because she knew - that finally, her day of reckoning had a arrived. She could read it in the expression of Gert's face as she walked up to her porch.

"Gert, hi ... what brings you out this way?"

Gert stopped, propped a foot up on a higher step looking up at the woman who'd wreaked pure havoc in her sons lives, "Oh I don't know Christine..." She started out sarcastically, "... why don't you guess what brings me out this way?"

"Something wrong?"

"Something's been wrong for the last twenty-two years, and this morning, it was made right. Wanna guess how?"

Christine stood a moment trying to breathe, trying to keep her head up, trying to overcome her burning face, where the blush there stained her cheeks deep, making her wish she had been inside when she'd driven up, because she would have pretended not to be home.

"Well, would you like a few clues, maybe that will help you with the answer."

"Look Gert, I'm busy this morning, I don't have time - to - stand here playing guessing games with you, obvious-..."

"Have you any clue what you've done to my sons lives? Any clue at all?"

Christine swallowed, looking down her nose fighting to keep her back straight, but there was this tremendous clog in her throat, making it difficult to speak.

"I'm gonna tell you something, it's not so much that you've slept with them both, but that you refused to admit it when you were caught with Shawn's son. You knew it all along didn't you? You knew that child was not Jake's from the very start, why - why didn't you just tell us the truth?"

"Because I didn't want Shawn - in my life! Had he known about Ben, I would have never known another moments peace! There's something wrong - with him! You come here to my door acting all righteous - like you're so much better than me! All of you act like you're so much better than everyone around here! Kathy Ann and Shanna! You're no better than me, none of you! Especially not you, nor Mr. McPherson, Bart! I don't know what you two have done to him, but he's not right - he's not normal, your Shawn. Yes, I lied! And if it weren't for all of these busy body nosy mean spirited people, my son would have been happy with his life! Quincy was a good father to him, to both of my boys! A better father than their own! So don't you come here Ms Gert blaming me for what's wrong with your sons, they were messed up long before I came along. Now if you'll excuse me, I have nothing left to say to you." She turned and marched back into her house, slamming the door.

All the wind went right out of Gert.

She turned and went back to her vehicle, got in, started it and pulled out of the yard driving home, quiet. Once more, she faced all that had been done in the past to her boys. She was right, what was wrong with Shawn and Jake, had gone wrong long before Christine.

"Well Lord, I guess that's just what I deserve." Thinking back to when she was a young girl, she laughed at herself. "Like you got some damn right to speak to anybody, when you yourself thought Shawn was Edwin's, willing to let Bart think him his." She spoke with condemnation to herself, shaking her head, she figured, "I guess that's why divine justice says, what goes around, comes back around, just, twice as worse." She drove home, wondering if her husband was back yet from Shanna's court date and divorce. She hoped so, she figured he might as well know too and could only wonder what tomorrow would bring.