BOMAW Vol. 10-12 (60 page)

"August 1st huh, not too bad, not too short a notice, that's almost 6 weeks, I can do that. Does mama know?"

"Now that you know, she'll know. Get me something to drink lil'girl." He asked. Shanna was thinking, already making plans in her head when she opened the refrigerator removing a Pepsi passing it to him. He grabbed it, pop the tab, started chugging it; making a face, she tugged a lock of his hair, "Say thank you." She ordered him distractedly. He belched at her.

"Oh this is sooo exciting, I gotta call moma and tell her so we can get started." She rushed to the phone.

Jake un-straddled the chair, washed his plate, fork, listening to his sister on the phone. "Tell mom we've got the phone on in Chicago too."

"Oh she has the phone on in Chicago? Well don't just stand there, give it to me! Mom, get a paper and pen, they've got the phone on in Chicago."

He wrote the number down after pulling his copy from his top pocket; he pushed it at her, informing her, "Going to the house to get some stuff done."

She nodded at him, waving him off, too busy discussing the possible wedding plans with her mother.

Jake went first to the studio to check on it's progress, the workers were gone so he took his time doing a thorough exterior inspection, satisfied outside, he went inside. Everything was spot on, he was proud of that, glad that he'd suggested them. Coming out of the back of the studio, he noticed that they'd dug out the basement layout for the house and had already leveled the ground and poured the foundation for it. The area of the house was huge. They were moving along pretty well - wasting no time. Also, across the road, laying in the yard beside the garage of Sylvia's house, was the wall frames and roof frames for the upper garage flat there. He could tell they really wanted to get the job done, and were using their manpower wisely. Happy with what he was seeing, he took Shawn's SUV to his new home. Going through his mind was his next step there.

The basement.

Now that he had electricity - he gave the foundation a foot by foot check over. It smelled really mouldy in one part and positively stunk in another. Dead rats, two dead kittens, and skeleton remains of some other type of animal. He went out, brought down a wheelbarrow, push broom and snow shovel and started cleaning up before he could check his fuse boxes, he needed to get the muddy sludge up as well from the flooding by the leaky plumbing. He stacked rickety throw away furnishings, and other piled high garbage which had been left down there, by the basement door to be carried out. Which he immediately did and then hauled the wheel barrow out dumping it into the skip which he had delivered there for clearing the house while refurbishing it. Attention was next given to his electrical box, it was old, dated and filled with the old screw in fuses, he would replace it with a new one, making up his mind to completely re-wire the entire house as well - considering the age of the house, he was not about to take any chances.

With his trusty pad and pen, once more, a note was made of things he would need to pick up, along with the blue prints of the house - he would need that for the wiring and plumbing, another thing he would be completely replacing. Considering the cost of the materials needed, he was glad that he knew how to do both. Once the blue prints were in hand, he would know exactly where to knock in the walls and floors to do the replacing. For now, his concentration was on a detailed list and double checking it to make sure he remembered everything. Once he started working on it, he didn't like stopping for need of something that would keep him from continuing on. He wanted to get as much done as possible to get Vivian into the house with him. If it wasn't liveable by the time he brought her up, that would mean her staying with him parents, he didn't really want that. Then he thought about Shanna, they got along really well - if the house wasn't ready, he would ask Shanna instead. At Shanna's, Vivian could stay with him, at his parents, no way.

As he walked the house, he made up his mind that he would focus on three rooms. Their bedroom, the kitchen, the bathroom. If he could get those three rooms done along with doing the wiring and plumbing of the entire house and getting that out of the way, he could move her in.

As he stood in the largest bedroom, which was positioned towards the front of the house, he looked out the window and saw that his sister was pulling into the front yard. Smiling he opened the window and called down to her, "I'm up here! Come on up!"

She smiled and waved, nodding her head.

He heard her trotting up the stairs and yelled out, "In the master bedroom!"

She walked in, "You've been busy, that skips almost filled." She commented.

"I called from work and ordered another to be picked up and that one to be taken first thing in the morning so I can keep going."

"I'm so proud of you, everything you're doing - this place is going to be amazing when you're done."

"If I have anything to do with it, it will be. It's gotta be right for her. Come to help?"

"Sure, whatever I can do." Although she was smiling, she looked a bit somber.

With his eyes on her he asked, "What's with the face, you look strange, like you've come with bad news." He observed.

Shanna hesitated a moment, then took a deep breath, "When you left, I was talking to momma, and uh - she told me - that - well ... you know about Ben getting tested, right?"

Jake stood still, staring at her, his chest started knocking like crazy, "Yeah, I know."

"The results are back and - they ah - showed that Shawn, Shawn
is
his father."

Hearing the confirmation of it was so like being shoved by an invisible force that Jake went back against the window seal, his head buzzing.

Shanna stepped towards him, "You okay?" She asked, his face was burning red, his eyes wide and then closing as if forcing it down like horrible tasting medicine, he swallowed, he blew out, shocked by how it felt. He rubbed his stomach, amazed that it felt as if he'd been punched there - when he'd carried on as if he'd known all along.

"Jake?" Shanna stepped closer, he opened his eyes, couldn't hide the moisture there.

"It's okay, I mean ... I knew. I knew that he was Shawn's I mean, look at him."

"He could have been yours too, look at Shawn2."

"Yeah, but ah, he's not. I guess it's settled then, huh?"

"Yeah, it's settled."

He looked away from her and said right away, "I've got big plans for this room, I'm gonna - ah - put a bathroom in here. It's ah ... it's big enough, she'll - she'll-..." He clamped his jaw, pressing and grinding it, fighting back the incredible pain. Pain he hadn't figured on. Telling himself, over and over, that he'd known.

"Jake? Talk to me." Shanna pleaded softly, hurting for him.

"What do I say? I've lost. I lost - my son - he's gone, just like that."

"You haven't lost him Jake, nothing can take away all that you've been to him."

"I've been shit to him - okay? Shit! Quincy raised him, I bought fuckin' diapers - the easy part! I've been shit to him! But Shawn - he comes back from fucking California and - and BAM - he snatches him - just like that - just takes him away!"

"He didn't take him from you Jake! Don't take it that way, be fair - Shawn didn't know! If he'd known-..."

"He would have been here and been - a much better father than me! Right? He would've - he would have been right on it - from day one - right? Unlike me! The family fuck up right?!"

"Jake please! Don't take it like that!"

"HE WAS MY SON, SHANNA!!! HE WAS - MY SON! MINE! MINE! HE - WAS - MINE! GODALMIGHTY - WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME SHANNA? Why doesn't he love me?!" He cried, bent over for the ache in his stomach. "I didn't mean to be a bad father Shanna... I didn't mean to be! I didn't know Shanna! I didn't know what I was doing, I wasn't ready ... I just - wasn't ready!" He sobbed sinking to the floor.

Tears rolling from her eyes because she couldn't stand to see either of her brother's hurting, Shanna sank to the floor next to him, grabbing him to her, hugging and holding him. "Jake please, he does love you, he does! He can't help wanting to know the truth, it's such a natural thing, he can't help wanting to know. Doesn't mean he don't love you." She stroked his hair, trying to calm him as he fought the pain that wracked him.

"I should've been a better father, I should have been. I know what its like to have a father who doesn't give a damn about you, I know - that should have made me - a better father! I should have taken better care of him, of all of them. Kevin, Paul - I was no better to them."

"Dad loves you Jake! Look at this house! And your sons love you! You are loved Jake - really you are!"

He sat shaking his head, not wanting to say much more, wiping his hand over his eyes, clearing the tracks from his face, sniffing, red and staring off into the past, "There's so much I wish I could do over again, you know? So much. I love - but its a weird kind of love. My boys, I do, I swear to God I do, I don't know." He bit back saying anymore.

"Come on big brother, look at it this way, you did - the best that you could, with what you knew. You didn't deny him-..."

"At first I did."

"With good reason Jake! With good reason and you were right, he wasn't yours."

"But he's mine now! That's the thing, he's been mine for 22 years! Does that mean nothing?!"

"Yes! Yes it means plenty and I know, that Ben loves you - nothing will come between what you two share. You still have Kevin, you still have Paul. Soon, you'll be getting married to Vivian and together, you'll have more, and you'll be given a chance to be a father again."

"Yeah, and this time - it'll be different! I'll be there every fuckin' step of the way! No one is raising my girls! No one will be stepping forward to take them away from me - I won't allow it! I'm ready this time, as ready as I can be!"

"That's it Jake, that's the way to think of it." She smiled, "Girls huh?"

Jake sniffed, wiping his eyes, his nose and looking up at his little sister, "Yeah - I think I'll be better with girls, what you think?"

Shanna sat next to him smiling, "I think, you - a father of girls - would be amazing. I know as a big brother to me, we had such good times, playing with my dolls." She laughed, sniffed, wiping her own eyes. "But what if, they're not girls?"

"They will be - I just know it, know why I know?"

"Why - tell me?"

"Justice."

Shanna laughed, understanding completely. "Justice huh?"

"Yeah, that's the way God gets you, he doesn't waste a lesson, he waits until the time is right and then he punishes you with exactly what you need - he's got the timing and all, down. Perfect example, Ben being Shawn's."

"Don't think about that anymore, think about your little girls - think forward big brother, not back. Got any names in mind?" She humored him to take his mind off of Ben.

"Not yet, but there will be at least two, don't want less than two. They'll look like their mother, beautiful - just the way she is. I'm thinking, perfect brown skin-..."

"Think they'll be brown skinned?"

"Of course, look at Vivian, and look how dark I can get in the summer, and we have black roots. Yeah, they'll be brown, beautiful brown."

"With your blue eyes and blonde hair!"

Jake laughed, "Don't know about that, is that possible?"

"Are you kidding me, it sure is! Can you just see them now, smooth cocoa brown skin with blonde hair? Oh Jake, they'll be stunning! I can't wait just thinking about them! They have to have names that fit their looks." She was singing with excitement, looking back at her brother. He was far away, looking sad again. Shanna put her arms around him, "Come on, cheer up."

"I'm okay - I just - I wanna do better Shanna, I don't mean to - fuck things up the way I do, shit just - happens. For some reason, I can't seem to get control of it while it's happening."

"Hey, remember, it's a new start now, right? We're all, all of us - we are here with a new start - together. I've got a new beginning. You've got a new beginning, Shawn is here and has started his new beginning. Long as we - this family, sticks together - nothing can over come us, we just won't let it. We're McPherson's, we refuse to bend, we refuse to give in and no one will stop us from getting where we're determined to go, right?"

He looked at her, "Yeah, speaking of which, I've got plans Shanna, big plans."

"I know you do."

"No, I mean, really big plans. I've been writing."

"Writing? Writing what?"

"Songs, I've been song writing. I have four completed and I'm thinking of covering a couple of others I've always liked."

"Jake, are you talking about singing?"

His eyes sincere, looking into hers, "Yeah - that's what I'm talking about, what do you think?"

"What do I think, I think - what's taken you so long!? You have the most amazing voice! I remember when you sang at church, in the choir. When you used to sing to me and momma - oh Jake! You can do this, you know what, I gotta tell you something." She started, settling on her knees before him, taking his hand in hers. "When I was much much younger, ohhh, about eleven or twelve, clear into my teens, I had this fantasy of you becoming this amazing new country singer. That you would sweep the country and every where you went, women would be screaming out your name! I can still see that as a possibility Jake."