Breaking Kate: The Acceptance Series (41 page)

“I tried calling Mike for the first two months but he never called me back. I went back home, thinking maybe things may have changed, but they were worse, so I came back and went back to work. I never contacted Daniel because I know he’s a stand-up guy. He would have wanted to get back together for the baby’s sake; I didn’t want to put him in that situation. Not knowing which one is the father is so embarrassing; I was never
that
girl. I always liked Mike and I knew I blew it with Daniel by being such a raging bitch. Transitioning straight to Mike was what I had hoped to do, but I made a mess of that, too. I’m so ashamed of what I did that night. I can hardly look at myself in the mirror because I’m not proud of who looks back at me. Most likely, the baby is Mike’s. We didn’t use protection, but I had a lot more sex with Daniel than Mike, so there is a chance the baby is his.”

Vanessa stops to wipe the tears from her eyes and sips some water. I find myself patting her hand and sympathizing with her. It sounds like she just got lost along the way and
unfortunately, it’s come to bite her in the ass.

“I wasn’t going to tell them; I was going to do this on my own. I was saving all of my tips and Chad was very encouraging. He’s really grounded in his faith in God and was relieved when I decided to keep the baby. We didn’t know then he would be moving and getting married. Two months ago, I started feeling dizzy and getting bad headaches, so I went to the doctor. I have a pretty severe case of preeclampsia. Do you know what that is?” I nod my head. My doctor gave me all the warning signs when I was pregnant; it can be very scary.

“I had no clue things like that could happen when you’re pregnant. He put me in the hospital for a few days. Two weeks later it happened again, but worse. I spent a few more days in the hospital and have been put on bed rest. I’m not supposed to be out at all, except for appointments, and I’m supposed to avoid stress. That’s not very easy. My disability doesn’t even cover my part of the rent, let alone necessities. Chad has been great, but he’s moving at the end of the month and can’t carry me anymore. I started making trips out to Santa Barbara. The drive is relaxing, and I’m sitting, so it’s like bed rest—at least that’s how I’m trying to justify it. I’ve driven by their houses and work, hoping to catch one of them outside and talk to them. I just want to tell them in person. I know they’re going to be angry with me. My doctor advises against a DNA test until the baby is born; he’s worried about how stressed I’ll be while waiting for the results.

“I hate having to crawl back and ask them for help after what I did to them. I’m not doing it for me; I have to do it for the baby. I just need help getting through the pregnancy,
then I’ll disappear from their lives. I won’t hold them for child support or visits; I am really okay raising my child alone, but I’m desperate, and that’s why I need your help. I was hoping you could help me tell them in a less stressful environment and maybe help me ask them for help? I only have a week before I need to move and I just don’t know what to do.”

I want to hate her. I want to hate her so much it’s killing me. I can’t, though, because she’s pregnant, sweet, and misunderstood. I know she’s hurting, and I don’t want her to lose her baby or risk her own life from worry and stress; preeclampsia is a life-threatening condition. She’s plunging a knife so deep in my heart I don’t think it will
ever
come out. Vanessa has unilaterally torn apart my happy ending. She’s either having a baby with Michael—the baby that I couldn’t give him—or she is going to be giving Daniel his first born child. Daniel’s first born is supposed to be
our
child and she could be taking that away from us. I don’t know if that’s a reality I can live with. I don’t know if I can be with him knowing that his baby isn’t from me. There is one thing I know without a doubt—I want to help her. She’s broken in a deep way, and I can understand that more than she will ever know. Financially, I have no problem supporting her. I don’t want her to have to depend on the boys, especially since they don’t know who the father is. This is going to either bring them together or put a bigger wedge into their already strained friendship. My guess is the latter.

“Vanessa I want to help you. I have a few questions, though, but please understand that your answers are not going to affect me helping you, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Before we tell them, is there anyone else that could be the father?”

She looks at me with her big brown eyes and I can see why Daniel fell for her. When she’s got her guard down, she’s beautiful inside and out. I can see why it was so hard for him when they broke up. When they were alone, I bet she was a lot like she is with me right now.

She shakes her head. “I was a virgin until Chad. We dated for four years. I never wanted to be a slut like my mom. I think Daniel was my rebound. I slept with Mike out of desperation and selfishness. I told Chad everything and he’s been my rock, helping me get past it. I haven’t been with anyone else and don’t plan to be for quite a while”

“I know you said you’re okay doing this alone, but if it was possible, would you want a relationship with the baby’s father? If so, friendship or more?”

“I would love to be friends, but I know it will take a long time to build up any sort of trust between us—if we can even get to the point where they are willing to try. As far as a relationship, my heart belongs to Chad. I’m trying every day to get over him.  I know his heart is no longer mine. I would be lying if I said deep down inside I didn’t want a happy ending for my little family. It’s not something I plan on pursuing, and if it came at a risk to someone else’s relationship then I definitely wouldn’t. I’m tired of making a mess of people’s lives, including my own. I want to be a much better role model for my little boy. Can I ask you why you would want to help me when I could be potentially destroying everything you love?”

“Sure, but are you hungry? I have some apples and grapes I can get for you if you want a snack.” She flashes me a beautiful smile and looks genuinely happy.

“I would love a snack; I’m always starving these days,” she says with a giggle, and it’s nice to hear her laugh. I actually think we could become friends which is good since she’s about to live next
door. I refill her water and hand her a plate. Before I answer her, I take a long drink of water and a deep breath.

“I want to help you because you need help. I’m a very giving person, and I have suffered a lot of loss in my life, but I’ve always been very fortunate to come from an extremely wealthy family. I know what it’s like to be pregnant; I lost my daughter when I was six months along a little over three years ago. Losing a child is a devastating loss that will stay with you forever. I never want to see anyone go through that if they don’t have to. Your medical condition is serious; you don’t need any added stress. I have no doubt both Daniel and Mike will help you, but right now their relationship is suffering, and for them to both feel obligated to help you without knowing who the father is could make that a lot worse.”

“Two years ago I bought the condo next door to give to my best friend as a graduation present. I figured by the time we graduated we could use our own space but still be close to each other. Jess knows I own it, but doesn’t know it’s for her. It’s fully furnished and all the utilities are on; the previous tenants just moved out. I decided not to rent it out since graduation is just a few months away. Jess won’t mind her present being delayed for a few months. I would like to offer you the condo next door to live in until the baby is old enough for you to go back to work. Until then, I’ll get you whatever you need so you can have a happy, healthy, stress free pregnancy. Your disability checks will probably be enough spending money to get by on, but if you need money just ask. We can go shopping and buy anything you need for the baby and set up a nursery. This will give you some independence and help build your confidence up. My only stipulation is that you let
me
tell them and we work on building functional relationships for you with each one of them. After the baby is born, we’ll get the DNA test. They don’t look anything alike, once the baby is here you’ll probably know who the dad is, but it’s good to have it as legal protection for you. Once you are ready, we can look into getting you a job at my father’s company, or Connor’s father’s company; both of them have great internship programs. You can learn new skills and be able to work your way up. Both companies have nine to five hours and on-site daycare facilities. This baby doesn’t have to mean you’ll struggle all your life like your mom did. We’ll help you make a good life for both of you.”

Vanessa wraps me in a jumbo-sized hug, tears streaming down her face. “I’m so sorry you lost your little girl, Kate. I’m surprised Mike never said anything; that is, assuming she was his?”

“Yes, she was his but he never knew; he’s coming over tomorrow so that I can tell him. The last time I saw Mike, before tonight, was two months before I found out I was pregnant. Like you, I was prepared to raise her on my own.”

“I appreciate your offer, Kate, and I can see you are sincere, but I would feel like I’m taking advantage of you by…”

“Stop, Vanessa, don’t even think that way; this will help me heal. I couldn’t bring Lila to term. If this baby is Mike’s, in a way it will help me knowing that something bad didn’t happen to two of his kids. If the baby is Daniel’s, well, that
is
going to break my heart, but I would never want his to break like mine did when I lost Lila Hope. I want to do this… for all of us.”

Nodding, she hugs me harder. “Chad was right; God
did
send me an angel. I just had to wait for her to come along. I don’t even know what to say. Thank you so much. You will never understand how you’re changing my life. I promise I won’t let you down, and now I guess I can continue trying to learn how to let Chad go; maybe some distance will help. I’m sure I can get him and his friends to move my things in next week, if that’s okay?” 

“Of course it’s okay. It’s pretty late; do you want to stay tonight? I can let you in.”

“No, I’m going to go home. I only live about ten minutes from here. Why don’t I give you my number and you can let me know about tomorrow?”

We exchange numbers and she hugs me goodbye, looking much better than she did when she knocked on my door an hour ago. I’m exhausted but know I won’t be able to sleep, so I
decide to still go to the gym.

Chapter 21 – Kate

Being at the gym makes me feel instantly at ease. I don’t know why; I haven’t been coming here very often lately. It used to be I spent half of my day here every single day. Marc’s gym is in an industrial building park just about ten minutes from my house. Marc and I have been friends since we were little kids in gymnastics together; he’s my home away from home. Of course, since Marc loves me so much, he gave me a key to come work out whenever I want to. I came a lot after Lila Hope. I haven’t been here at all in almost two months. My body is going to scream at me, but I need to feel it because tonight I am numb.

The gym has everything a gymnast could want—huge built-in trampolines, tumbling mats, pommel horses, horizontal bars, parallel bars, balance beams—you name it and it’s here. This is the local facility most Olympic gymnasts in training use. It also has every piece of equipment and amenity you could ask for. I like coming late like tonight; at two am there’s no one here and being alone is a perk. I go to the office and put my iPod in the dock, blasting my playlist through the speakers. After stretching and stepping on the treadmill, I work myself up to a run. I hate running, but I love the adrenalin rush I get after about ten minutes. I rotate through different machines, letting out my aggression. Listening to Pink sing
So What
helps me feel better.

After about forty minutes, I make my way out to the trampoline, just wanting to do some back flips and slip back into a childish state of mind.
Linkin Park’s
Numb
is just what I need to hear. Halfway through Linkin Park, the music switches to
Girl on Fire
by Alicia Keys and I know the jig is up. Marc is here and he’s watching me.

When I finish, I’m out of breath and covered in sweat. Marc has seen me worse than this and it doesn’t stop him from hitting on me. I drop down to one of the mats and lie down. The absolute best part of this gym is the glow-in-the-dark stars and constellations on the ceiling. Marc’s dad put them in for us one year when we were into planets and stars after doing a school project He loaded the ceiling with them and would turn off the lights and let us watch the sky while he worked. Sounds cheesy, but it’s really cool.

“Hey, baby girl, want some starlight tonight?” I flash him a smile because even on my saddest days, Marc makes me feel happy. I tell him all the time that it’s his superpower.

“Sure, it’s been forever.
As long as you’ll join me?”

“When do I ever let my favorite girl look at the stars alone? Of course I’m joining you. Now move your big butt over and lay with me.”

“Ewww no, I’m so sweaty and stinky.”

He laughs at me. Marc is one of the best looking men I have ever seen in my entire life.
he’s always wanted to go out, but I don’t want to wreck what we have. Marc looks a lot like Shemar Moore but his skin is just a little bit darker, and his eyes are a gorgeous shade of green that I swear have hypnotized me all on their own a time or two.

“Here, I brought a towel for you to
lay across my arm so when you lay on me you won’t get me sweaty. Seriously, Kate, I like you sweaty; I just wish you would finally let me work up a
real
sweat with you.”

“I know you do. I keep telling you,
though, we have to save each other for our mid-life crisis. If we waste that animalistic attraction between us now nothing will appeal to us when we’re feeling old and insecure about ourselves.” 

Marc pulls me in close and kisses me on the cheek.
God he smells good.
He always smells like Eternity and it makes me feel so close to him. Our relationship is probably my most cherished of all my friends—our mothers passed away within weeks of each other and it bonded us in ways nobody could understand. We decided then that we would call each other our soul keepers so we could try to protect and keep each other safe after experiencing such a profound loss. I would give my life for him and I know he would do the same for me; our bond is unbreakable.

Michael hates Marc; he always said he just wanted to get in my pants. I know he does, and it would probably be great, but I’m terrified of losing him if that ever happens. Our friendship means too much to me to risk that.

“I’m totally willing to risk not having my mid-forty crisis if I can take you right here and now.”

“I know you would risk it, but I’m totally looking forward to cougarizing your ass.”

Laughter rolls out of him. “You have to be more than two months older than me for it to be considered being a cougar, but I’ll let it slide and let you cougarize
all over
my ass! By the way, since you’ve been too busy to see me, Happy Belated Birthday, baby girl, I’ve missed you. My birthday is in six weeks. Will you come out to the club with me? You can be my official birthday date. Just tell the new boyfriend he has to loan you out for the night. No one, and I mean
no one
, can work me the way you can on the dance floor. I want that ass all over me for my birthday present.”

“Deal, I owe you at
least
that much. Besides, I don’t know if the boyfriend is going to be in the picture then anyway.” Marc pulls me in suddenly serious.

“I had a feeling something was up. I had just got home and logged into the security system to make sure they set the alarm tonight. I saw it had been accessed a little while ago and knew it had to be you. Kate, you haven’t been here late like this in a long time; I was worried about you. All kidding aside, do you want to talk?”

He doesn’t judge me and loves me unconditionally, so I spill it all, everything that has happened in the last two weeks until Vanessa left my house tonight. I cry and sob and even laugh, and the whole time Marc just listens patiently. He lets me get it all off my chest and wipes my tears away. As much as I love my friends, if I could bottle up the essence of one person’s soul and carry it with me to make me feel better, it would be Marc—hands down.

“Damn, Kate, that’s a lot to take on;
no wonder
you’re here. You have the biggest heart I’ve ever seen.  Makes me sad that you won’t give it to me, but at least the part I
do
have is the purest part. I think you’re very sweet to help Vanessa and I think it will help you heal. I also think it’s going to hurt you more than you realize. The months you missed out on with Lila Hope are the months you’re going to be helping her through. I get that it can also be a healing process for you. What do you think you’re going to do about Mike and Daniel now?”

I explain to him what I’m thinking and the only answer I have come up with so far. He listens and thinks about what I’ve said.

“Well, you’re not asking my opinion, but I’m going to give it. I don’t care about any of them; I am giving you this opinion
for you,
and I think that what you decided is the absolute best choice
for you
. I’m here for you, sweetie, and I promise you it’s going to be okay. Let’s go to lunch on Monday and you can fill me in; my last class is out at noon.”

“Lunch sounds great. I miss
you, we need to see each other more often. Thanks for being here for me tonight. I didn’t realize how bad I needed you until you were here.” I roll over and hug him, both of us lying on our sides, wrapped around each other. Unfortunately, Connor doesn’t know Marc and doesn’t realize how innocent it is when he walks in the door.

“What the hell, Kate? Who the fuck is
this
and why are you all over his fucking body?”

I hear Connor’s voice roaring at me which echoes in this big building. Marc is up and flipping on the lights, ready to take Connor down. Connor isn’t small by any means, but Marc is six foot four and an easy three hundred pounds of pure muscle. I jump between the two of them with one arm out on each of their chests.

“Connor, I appreciate you protecting my virtue and all, but this is purely innocent. Marc, this is Connor—my god brother, good friend, and Jess’s new boyfriend. Connor, this is Marc—my soul keeper and the most innocent love of my life.” Connor backs down immediately and shakes Marc’s hand. Marc flashes me a look, letting me know that I was right about Connor being a great guy. Connor looks up sheepishly and apologizes.

“Sorry, my mistake.
Kate’s told me all about you and how you gave each other your souls for safe keeping after your mom’s died. I’m sorry to just walk in, but the door was open.” I flash Marc a look because he is always on me about safety.

“Don’t look at me like that, little girl, I can protect myself you can’t.”

“You can’t protect yourself from a gun, so lock the fucking door before I have to beat your ass. Promise me, Marc.” Looking at me like a scolded little boy, which apparently Connor thinks is quite funny, Marc concedes.

“Fine, I promise I will lock the door behind me so the boogey man doesn’t get me. Happy?”

I jump up and kiss him on the cheek. “Very. Thank you.”

I turn my gaze to Connor and cross my arms. “So why are you here checking up on me? I’m a big girl and allowed to be out.”

“Yeah, that may be the case, but let me tell you what you put me in the middle of. Let’s pop a squat for a second so I can hash this one out for you two.” We all sit down and I hand Connor a bottle of water.

“So picture this—Mike in his truck, Daniel, Jess, and I in Jess’s car. We stop by Daniel’s for his truck. All of us caravan to your house, Jess opens the garage, and you aren’t home. You said you were going to the gym, so no biggie,
right? WRONG. We got back later than we expected. Jess said the gym isn’t in the best of areas and that you never stay more than two hours for a night session. So we wait—Jess is now blowing up your phone with messages, Daniel’s in his truck moping, Mike’s in his truck moping
and
fuming; it seems Mike isn’t too fond of our friend Marc here. That kind of makes you my hero right now, dude, because Mike is on my shit list tonight for a multitude of reasons. So, ‘Miss I don’t answer my text messages’, all three of them ride my ass until I come check on you. Since you don’t have your phone anywhere, you would have no idea that it’s almost four thirty now. Don’t worry, pumpkin, I texted them all and told them you were safe and sound before I walked in the door; once I saw your car I figured you were fine. My question is, why did you need a four hour workout?”

Marc leans across and kisses me on the cheek. “I’m going to go work out before the girls get here at five for their morning workout. Call me if you need anything, otherwise I’ll see you Monday. It was nice to meet you, Connor.”

“Marc, wait, can you just lock up behind us? I’m going to talk to Connor outside.” 

“Sure thing, baby girl.”

“Sorry, Connor, I forgot my phone in the car. You wouldn’t
believe
the night I’ve had. Listen, I have a lot to tell you, but I would rather sleep for three hours and tell all of you at the same time. This is between you and I, so please don’t say anything, but the reason I was at the gym so long was because I didn’t get here until after two. I had a visit from Vanessa tonight. She followed me home from your parents’ house and we had a nice long talk.”

Connor’s jaw hits the ground, almost quite literally. “I’m assuming you mean that very sarcastically about your nice talk with Vanessa, but I completely missed the infliction in your tone.”

I give him a sad smile. “No, I really had a nice visit with her. I know you can’t understand it, and I don’t expect you to, but I like her a lot. I promised you I wouldn’t make any rash decisions, and you have to trust me when I tell you I didn’t, but I also don’t think any of you are going to like what happens tomorrow. I’m sorry I can’t tell you any more than that, but it wouldn’t be fair for me to tell you before I talk to them.”

“But you told Marc?” I sigh. I knew he was going to say that.

“Yes, I told Marc, but Marc is my soul keeper and he won’t let me fall. I ran it by him because he’s
my
friend. He has no connections or ties to anyone but me and no vested interest in the outcome, except for my happiness. That’s why I needed
him
tonight. It doesn’t make me love
you
any less.”

“Yeah, that makes sense. I get it, and I’m glad you have someone that is removed from the situation to help you out. Do you know what you’re going to do tomorrow?
Who you’re going to pick?” I nod at him sadly.

“Can you do me a favor, please? I really have to run home and shower and sleep for a few hours. On your way over in the morning, can you guys pick up some donuts or bagels and coffee and
o.j.?”

Connor gets an evil smile on his face.
“Sure thing, buttercup. With the way Mike and Daniel are pacing at opposite ends of the house, avoiding each other, I’ll just mention to one of them you want donuts and coffee and to the other that you want bagels and o.j.; your cup will runneth over.”  We both break out in laughter. This is the best laugh I’ve had in the last day.

“I love you, Connor, and I’m sorry you’re going to be caught in all of this.”

“I love you, too, Kate. Don’t worry about me. You’re my priority in this. I’m making it my job to be sure that you stay okay. I just got you back in my life; I won’t let you fall, either. It’s you and me against the world. Now get your smelly, sexy ass home and get some sleep.”