Breaking Skin (20 page)

But with Celeste trying to use my condition as a way to get full custody of Derek, how can I go out there and become the poster boy for this cause? I can’t. Not now. I won’t risk it. Bottom line is I want to help, but UCSF will have to wait.

When practice ends, Derek pulls off his helmet and skates over to me. “Can I go to Conner’s house?”

I hide my disappointment. “Sure. Just be back in time for dinner.”

“I will.” He grins and skates off the ice.

I already told him we would work on the tree house after practice. Didn’t I? I can’t be sure. Maybe I forgot or maybe he did. Either way, I’m disappointed.

Derek doesn’t seem to notice as he sheds his gear, dumps it at my feet, and takes off with Conner. Sighing, I gather up his things and spot the same few kids who always stick around after practice to talk to me. They help me put away the equipment and ask questions about what it was like to play professionally. They want to know how it felt to score the winning goal in the division championship game, and they ask if I scored a lot of girls too.

I laugh with them, happy to reminisce, but I usually play it coy when it comes to girls. They make their own assumptions, and from the looks on their faces, their imaginations are a hell of a lot more interesting than the truth. Even when I was playing, I was never a player, and I’m not one now. People always took one look at me and thought they knew who I was and what I was about. An arrogant hotshot, an egotistical womanizer, brutal on the ice and off. But that was never me.

I was focused, not arrogant, and I always preferred to be with one woman. I was too driven to waste time fucking around. But when those kids ask me about girls today, only one comes to mind. She has big brown eyes and long dark hair that brushes against the small of her back when she moves.

Nikki was supposed to be in San Francisco by now, but she’s still here and I can’t stop thinking about her. It would be easier if she were gone. I could start trying to forget her again, but that’s impossible when I see her every day.

I lick my lips and picture hers. One minute I’m resisting the temptation to kiss her, and the next she’s kissing me. If Langley hadn’t been there, I would have pushed Nikki back inside the house and convinced her to take me upstairs.

The crazy thing is, I think should would have let me. Until she asked me if I’d been with her sister. When I answered, the light in her eyes faded. A change came over her and she went somewhere I couldn’t follow. She thinks Renee is the reason I’m holding back, but that’s her reason, not mine. My reason is
me
. She has no idea what she’s getting into with me. She deserves more. But knowing that doesn’t make resisting her any easier.

There is something about Nikki that draws me in. I can feel a shift inside me when she’s near, as if every cell in my body is attuned to her. That has to mean something. I’m afraid it means we’re meant to be together. Afraid because how can I think that and still be selfless enough to stay away from her?

The answer is simple. I can’t. I care about her more than I should, more than is good for either one of us.

When I drive past the dance studio on my way home, I spot Renee’s car in the lot, which means Nikki is there. She was already upset this morning, and I don’t think what happened between us made the situation any better. As I pull into the parking lot, I know I should leave her alone, but I give in to the need to check on her because I hate to think of her in there hurting all alone. I have a feeling she’s already far too alone.

There’s no one in the hallway when I walk inside the building. Music filters out of the studio by the doorway, and I hear a woman’s voice giving instructions. A quick look through the glass in the door tells me that Nikki isn’t in there. There are two more doors along the same hallway. The next one looks like a locker room, and the one beyond that is closed.

Eyeing all the little-girl clothes strewn over the benches, I feel completely out of place and wonder what I was thinking coming in here. But I don’t turn back. I continue on to the closed door and bend to look through the glass window. A slim figure spins on the far side of the room.

There she is.

There’s Nikki, and she’s dancing to classical music that plays softly inside. She’s wearing a black leotard with a short-sleeved shirt pulled over it, and black leggings pulled up over her knees. Her hair is in a tight knot on top of her head and her eyes have a faraway look, like she’s not even there, but lost somewhere inside her head. Her movements are fluid and graceful as she travels the length of the space.

Being an athlete, I’ve spent years dedicating myself to intense workouts, but the way Nikki moves, utilizing every muscle, defying gravity with her leaps and turns, it blows my bench presses right out of the water.

I lose myself in her dance, knowing I shouldn’t be here because I’m intruding on a private moment, but I can’t look away. It isn’t until she stops for a moment and brushes a hand over her cheek that I realize tears are streaming down her face. But her pause is brief and she dances again even as she weeps.

A band tightens around my chest, and it takes all my strength to stay put and not go to her. She’s working something out in there. Laying herself bare. But I still don’t give her the privacy she deserves. Glued to the spot, I keep watching, drawn in by her pain because I recognize it. I feel it too. Every single day.

Nikki pushes off the floor into another leap, but when she comes down this time, she winces in pain and collapses to the floor.

I rush into the room and hear the deep sobs that rack her body. Without a second thought, I bend down, wrap my arms around her, and pull her against me. For a long moment, she lets me hold her. She grips my shirt and burrows into my chest, breaking my heart with how small and vulnerable she feels in my arms. Then her hands release the fabric of my shirt and push against me.

“What are you doing here?” Her eyes are wide and her cheeks shine with tears.

“Looking for you. What’s wrong, Nikki? What is it?”

She wipes her cheeks with the back of her hand. “Just my knee again.”

“Your knee,” I repeat, but I know it’s more than that. “That’s why you’re crying?”

She doesn’t answer and instead tries to push herself up. I stand to help her and support her weight as she gets to her feet and balances on her good leg. The moment she puts pressure on the other one, air hisses through her teeth.

“Nikki—”

“How long were you watching me?”

I give her a steady look. “Long enough to see how upset you were before your knee gave out.”

Her cheeks redden. “I need to sit a minute.”

I help her to one of the folding chairs against the wall and set her down onto it carefully. She keeps the leg with the bad knee extended and begins to rub it. The way she steadfastly avoids my gaze is understandable. I just intruded on a painful private moment, but now that I’ve seen it, I can’t pretend I didn’t.

“It will be okay in a few minutes.” She keeps her eyes on her knee.

I move another folding chair over beside her and sit down. “I think it will take more than a few minutes to fix whatever’s wrong.”

Her eyes flick up to mine and she blinks rapidly, like she’s holding back more tears. Her expression tenses before she releases a shaky breath.

“You see more than I want you to, Cole. You probably know more too. I saw my mother this morning.”

I wait but she doesn’t elaborate. “That must have been hard after all this time,” I say carefully because I know a little from Renee, but I no longer trust it and feel like I’m navigating through a minefield.

“It might as well have been yesterday. Nothing’s changed. She doesn’t love me.” Nikki looks up to see my reaction and I’m not quick enough to hide my shock or the doubt that follows it.

How could a mother or a father not love their child? But there’s so much desolation in her eyes, I know she believes it’s the truth.

“She doesn’t know where Renee is, so I put myself through that for nothing.”

I gently rub her back and search for something to say to make it better. But what can I say to that? I reach over and touch the wisps of hair that fell from the knot on her head. The shiny strands are like silk in my fingers, but her body is like glass, ready to shatter at any moment.

“I don’t know what there is between you and your family, Nikki, but no one has the right to make you feel this way.”

She shakes her head dismissively. “They have every right. I betrayed my family and they won’t ever forgive me for it.”

“Betrayed them how?”

She turns and looks at me with an angry gleam in her eyes. The emotion I just witnessed abates and something harder takes its place.

“Haven’t you heard the rumors, Cole?”

Rumors
. My stomach drops because I have. “I don’t put much stock in rumors.”

“Then you’ve heard something. What was it? What did you hear?” Her question sounds like a challenge.

I shake my head. “I don’t repeat rumors either.”

Her dark eyes search mine. If she’s looking for judgment, she won’t find it. I already misjudged her once when I believed the lies her sister told me. I won’t make that mistake again.

She sighs and turns her gaze to the floor. “The story has been twisted into so many shapes over the years, who knows what you heard. Whatever it was, there’s probably a grain of truth left in it somewhere.”

Bile pushes its way up my throat because every part of the rumor is despicable.

“I don’t know how Renee lives in this town or how she can raise Langley here. Maybe that’s why she left. Maybe she wants to make a fresh start somewhere else and she’ll send for Langley when she’s ready.” Nikki’s eyes widen and she gasps as she grips my arm. “Langley! I’m supposed to pick her up from soccer. I’m going to be late.” She jumps up and winces.

I stand and let her hold on to me for support. “I’ll take you to get her.”

She shakes her head. “Could you just help me to the car? I can manage from there.”

“I don’t think you should drive. I can—”

“I’m fine, really. I don’t know if Langley saw us this morning or not, but I can’t have her thinking anything about us, and I can’t have her telling Renee either.”

I press my lips together. I’d rather she didn’t leave this way, but I don’t want to cause more problems with her and her family.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

She nods and starts for the door. A few minutes ago she looked like she was going to shatter into pieces, but now she’s sewn the broken parts back together so adeptly, I don’t doubt she’s done it before.

As I watch her pull off her ballet shoes and slip her feet into sneakers, I’m more determined than ever to help her. Nikki needs someone on her side, and as far as I can tell, people aren’t exactly lining up for the job.

I’ll be damned if I’m going to ignore that fact so we can both keep our hearts intact. Our hearts have already been broken. Maybe I can help to heal hers, even if it means ripping mine to shreds when she leaves and I have to say good-bye.

L
angley runs upstairs to get changed. The moment she disappears from view, my fake smile droops and my eyes fall closed. The familiar ache in my knee isn’t enough to distract me from my total mortification. I want to crawl into a dark hole somewhere and stay there forever.

I break out in a sweat every time I think of the way I completely lost it in front of Cole. The dance I did today was more of an exorcism than a routine, and he saw every bit of the raw emotion that poured out of me.

With a soft groan, I slide down to the floor and bury my face in my hands.

After I left Woodbridge Village this morning, I was filled with so much destructive energy, I knew I had to expel it and dancing was the only way. But my knee couldn’t handle it. When it buckled, so did I. I let my tears run down onto the dance floor because I thought I was alone. I had no idea the last person I wanted to see me that way was watching my every move.

Then I fell, and Cole was so kind and compassionate, holding me, letting me cry. There was no judgment in his eyes, no censure. Whatever Renee told him, he no longer holds it against me. Today he was the man I always imagined him to be, and that’s almost worse because it makes me care what he thinks.