Breathe Again (8 page)

His voice was barely a whisper next to her ear. “We weren't meant to have a baby.”

She nodded, her voice cracked while her heart broke. “Can’t change fate, right?” She pulled away and wiped her tears on the sleeve of her gown. Her body gave a small hiccup.

“Some things happen for a reason.” He trailed a path on her cheek.

She looked into his eyes. His beautiful green eyes. They were guarded.

She looked down at the pattern on the blanket and picked at a loose thread. A nervous habit she was developing.

“Do you believe that? Do you believe things happen for a reason?” she asked.

He nodded.

She hated lies. Always hated lies. When her mother had first told her that her father had to go away for work, that was a lie. She made her mother swear to never lie or betray her again. But all this time she’d been lying to Nick. Now this, another lie.

“Did they tell you why you lost the baby?” he asked.

She continued looking down at the thread she was picking at on the blanket. “No. Miscarriages are very common in the first trimester.”

When he didn't say anything more, when he didn't take her into his arms, she felt the weight in her chest shift ever so slightly.

*****

“Decaf? I never thought I'd see the day.” Nick paid for her coffee and ordered his own before letting the barrister know they were sitting together.

Skylar took a sachet of sugar from the paper cup in front of them and twirled it around between her fingers. “I figured I had my quota for the day.” She let the small packet drop and then drummed her fingers on the table.

It had been three days, and still she hadn't told Nick about the baby. In fact, she hadn't told anyone. She'd taken a few days off and was now back at work. Everyone thought she'd lost the baby and like a landmine, they steered clear.

As soon as the coffee arrived, she thanked the waitress, added two sugars and stirred.

He watched her. “You look tired. Maybe you should have taken the week off.”

“I'm fine.”
Liar, liar pants on fire.

His hooded gaze didn’t look convinced. “You sure? You look like you haven't been sleeping.”

Lying takes its toll
.

“What was that?” he asked.

She blinked twice. Did she say that out loud? Maybe? Hell, this lack of sleep was doing wonders for her brain function. “Nothing.”

“So did you see the proposal they put in for the next round of budget cuts? I’d like to see them try and run the emergency department without the lab technician services.”

Skye nodded. Who knew why they called it morning sickness. Anyone who said it lasted the first trimester only was kidding. It should be called all day sickness. She swallowed. Dry crackers didn’t work.

 “Have you been listening to me?”

No
. “Uh, yes. You said budget cuts?”

He pulled his chair forward. “I should have insisted you take more time off.”

Skylar shook her head. How was she going to break the news to him? If she was going to take time off for morning sickness during pregnancy, then she may as well not come in for the next six months.

Nick took a sip of his coffee and watched her with curious eyes.

 “I've got to go. It's that time already. My shift started five minutes ago.”

He emptied his cup. “So did mine. I'll walk with you.”

She finished her coffee and stood to join him.

 She pushed her hands into her pink scrub suit pockets, and when she realized it pulled across her abdomen a little too tightly, she removed her hands and folded them self-consciously across her chest instead. A quick gaze told her Nick was oblivious to anything.

As they exited the café, Nick opened the door for her and waited for her to walk out. “I know this is bad timing, but I wanted to talk to you about asking the Chief of ED to re-instate my application for overseas work.”

“What?” Skylar almost tripped, and he caught her hand to steady her. “Why?”

“I was always planning on either going and doing some relief work or doing another tour. I’m not sure which yet.”

Her lips curled. “I see. No baby, no need to delay this.”

“It’s not like that and you know this. It was something I need to do. I know you don’t understand, but I was hoping that with everything that’s happened, you’d come around.”

“That’s the most screwed-up logic I’ve heard. I didn’t want you gone in the first place. Which is why we broke up.” Skylar pinched her palms
. Which is why I was forced to do what I did.

Nick paused. “I’m not getting into this again.”

“That's fine. Let me know when you're leaving. I'm late for work.”

Two hours later, Skylar was still simmering over how easy Nick found it to walk away from their marriage. There was no other explanation for it. At least none he’d give her that would stick.

“Hey, watch where you're going.”

She stopped suddenly and almost ran
smack bang
into the linen trolley. “Sorry, Judie. I didn't see you.”

“You're not becoming one of those accident-prone people we have to bumperize, are you?”

She looked at the older woman and laughed. “Please tell me that is not an actual word in the dictionary and that you said that to make me smile.”

“Maybe. What's got your smile the wrong way around?” Judie asked.

Skylar sighed again.

“What's he done now?” Judie put her hands on her hips.

“He?” Skylar asked.

Judie’s gaze narrowed. “There is only one man that could get you twisted in knots like that.”

“Nick?”

“Who else?” Judie nodded.

“You tell me.” Skylar took a deep breath. “I wish I could understand him.”

“I don’t think women are ever meant to understand them, just like they’re never meant to understand us.”

“How do you make it look so easy?” Skylar smiled sadly.

Judie looked at her with concern in her eyes. “It ain’t easy. I make it look that way. You know this.”

“I don't like who I am sometimes.” Skylar rubbed the wetness on her cheek with the back of her hand.

Judie touched her shoulder. “I'm sorry about the baby.”

Shaking her head, she took Judie's hand in hers. “I can't lie. I didn't lose the baby.”

“But everyone thinks you lost the baby. Nick told—” Judie paused as if seeing the fear in Skylar’s eyes.

“I had to. I almost lost the baby. Then Nick thought I did and he said it was for the best. After that, I couldn't tell him the truth.” Tears were falling down Skylar’s cheeks, and she couldn’t stop the hurt in her voice.

“Honey, you know you have to tell him.” Judie held her hands.

“I know I should, but I can't. Not yet.” She closed her eyes, hoping to find the answer she needed, but how to tell a man she loved that she was still carrying a child he didn’t want?

Judie cupped her cheeks with her hands. “When the time is right, you’ll find the words.”

*****

Judie was right. When the time was right, the words would come. But the longer she left it, the harder it was. Even now in the middle of the resus, she felt as if she should be wearing the scarlet letter—L for Liar.

“Skylar, stand back.” Nick's sharp tone penetrated her thoughts, and she immediately stepped back.

“Okay, on my count. One, two, three.” On the count of three, the team of nurses and assistants transferred the patient from the ambulance gurney onto the resus bed.

As Nick listened to the handover from the medic, Skylar walked around and attached the monitoring equipment to the patient, who looked to be about thirty-eight years old. He was pale, and his skin was painted in the color of death.

“His breathing is labored, we have commenced oxygen, but his saturations are still eighty-eight percent on one-hundred percent high-flow oxygen.”

Nick nodded to the medic. “Thanks.”

“He is on morphine PRN. He has stage four cancer of the pancreas.”

Nick nodded.

“Should we intubate?”

“I need to check his notes. See if he has a DNR order. For now, let's put in an airway and suction, then continue with the oxygen on high flow.”

Skylar noted the patient's blood pressure and his temperature in his chart, and then she looked over to the door and saw his wife and daughter standing in the corner.

“I also want some fluids started and connected to this line the paramedics have inserted. I want a catheter inserted so we can measure his output. Can someone call medical records and get me all of his medical history? I want to know what he's on and what his treatment plan is.”

Skylar helped to connect the fluids and put out extra blankets to make sure the patient was kept warm. “Stage four cancer.” She let the words lay between them. Her father had died of a brain tumor. Inoperable.

“Can his wife come in?” Skylar asked Nick.

Nick looked over his shoulder. “There's not much she can do here.”

Skylar let out a little sigh. Maybe Nick would never understand. “That's not the point.”

“Nick, there's a DNR.”

He nodded at the nurse who gave him the news and then looked at the mother and daughter at the door. “Fine. They can come in.”

Skylar called the mother and little girl. She got two chairs and then gave them some privacy. Nick was right—there was nothing they could do for the patient. Nothing except make him comfortable and make sure his family had time with him to say goodbye.

Nick went to the corner of the room, where he paged through the patient’s thick medical file, checking the notes to be sure of the diagnosis. When he came back to the patient’s side, he checked the monitor and the fluids and then went and sat down next to the mother.

Skylar hated this part of their jobs. Breaking bad news to people. Having to tell loved ones this was the time for their last goodbyes.

Nick didn’t take the wife’s hand, but he did make eye contact and his voice was sincere. “I've gone through your husband's notes. He has a DNR.”

The wife looked at Nick blankly. Nick turned to Skylar. In that moment, Skylar wondered why he looked to her. She always wondered how Nick’s mind worked. He always hid his emotions, but she knew deep down, he did care. He had to, or else why had she married him?

He studied the young woman, choosing his next words. “It means he has a ‘do not resuscitate order.’”

The couple must have married young, because she looked to be at least twenty-five years old. But the haunting expression in the depths of her eyes showed a woman of eighty. “What does that mean?” she asked.

Nick looked down at the chart. “He's going to die. In the next twenty-four hours.”

“Daddy.” The little girl pulled away from her mother and ran toward her father. She placed her hand on her father's mottled, cool hand.

Skylar had forgotten the child was in the room. She had been sitting by her mother's side so quietly, but Nick's final words had made her leap forward.

The mother stepped toward the child and took the child’s hand in hers. “Alice, it's okay.”

Alice looked up at her mother. “No, he's taking daddy away.”

Nick’s gaze flickered from Skylar to Alice before he focused his attention on the little girl.

His next words sounded matter-of-fact. “I’m not taking him away.” The choked sob from Alice made him pause. His jaw clenched, and then his hand settled on the child’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. We’ll keep him comfortable. Make sure he has what he needs, but I can’t change what’s going to happen. I can’t change fate.”

“Nick!” Skylar stepped forward.

The patient's wife cried out as the pain of Nick's words sunk in. Alice pushed past them and ran out of the room. Skylar tried to stop her, but the grief of the child was like a runaway bus with faulty brakes.