Breathless (The Breathe Series) (2 page)

Today was
day three of being without Savannah. I hadn’t spoken to her, I hadn’t heard her laugh, and I was now living on very limited sleep.

Why did our schedules have to be so messed up?

I was beginning to think the worst.

Stretching, I groaned loudly as my body woke and came to life. My arms wrapped around Sav’s pillow as I felt my heavy, sleep-deprived eyes flutter shut. How long could I function without more than two hours of sleep a night?

The Los Angeles sunshine beamed through my window, illuminating my bedroom and emphasising that I was alone in bed, yet again. The apartment had never been this clean. I had been working twelve-hour days at Red Velvet, and I had watched countless movies in a desperate attempt to keep my mind off reality. My staff was seeing me more than they ever had.

Fumbling on my side table for my phone, I refused to open my eyes. I just needed to sleep. My hands found my phone, and I tapped in Sav’s memorized number. The phone rang against my ear and I held my breath, silently praying that today would be the day to speak with her. As quickly as the smile graced my face at the sound of her voice, it vanished.

“Hey, Sav, it’s me. Just wanted to check in. I hope you and Jellybean are doing okay. Talk soon.”

I threw my phone on the mattress beside me as frustration washed over me. Why was it so hard to get in contact with my girlfriend?

“Tanzi!” I yelled from my room.

“What?”

“I’m going to San Diego for the day. I need to see Mom. I need to talk to her about Sav and Jellybean.”

“What about Jellybean? Don’t you dare fuck this up.”

My body became rigid. “Give me some fucking credit.”

“Would you two idiots get the fuck out of bed and talk to each other? A person is trying to sleep!” Jack’s frustrated voice boomed through the emptiness of our apartment. My deep laughter echoed through my room as I stretched my arms over my head. My bedroom door swung open moments later and I was greeted by a tired-looking Tanzi. She didn’t speak a word and soon jumped under my covers and rolled to her side to face me. Her eyes scanned mine as she silently tried to read my mind. Twin-tuition as I liked to call it.

“Have you spoken to Sav yet?”

“Nope.”

Her face dropped. and she turned her head away from me, but not before shooting me a look I knew all too well. She had to be fucking kidding me. Of all the people in the world to question me.

“Don’t you dare fire that bullshit at me, Tanzi. I call and text her every day. I am considering jumping on the next plane to New York City to see her, but a little thing called Red Velvet is keeping me here. You can check my phone records if you don’t believe me.”

Tanzi sat up, pulling the covers away and turning towards me. The same blue eyes as mine searched my face in an attempt to read my thoughts. I would not break. The fact that she doubted me over something like this made my blood boil and my heart shatter. “Okay, Tate I believe you.” Her words did not convince me one bit.

“Why I have to continue to justify myself and my relationship is really starting to piss me off. I love her, Tanzi. I’d shift the world for her. You should be the one who knows me the best but here you are accusing me of shit.”

“I’m not accusing you of anything.”

“Tanzi, you jumped to conclusions! You told me not to fuck it up before you even knew what was happening. Look, I am going to San Diego for the day.”

I stormed into my bathroom, slamming the door with all my strength behind me and not giving my accusation-flying sister another glance. The fear of saying something I would later regret was bubbling on the surface. I slumped over the sink, trying desperately to regain my composure and get a hold on my soaring emotions. My eyes lifted to the mirror on the wall in front of me and I sighed deeply at the reflection of a man questioning everything. I had never experienced insecurities like this before. This distance between Sav and me was worse than I could have ever anticipated. If my twin was accusing me of this, what the hell was everyone else thinking? And most importantly, what the hell was Sav thinking?

I strode out of my bathroom and through the apartment without a single word. My emotions felt like they were at war with one another. The sound of the television in the living room distracted me and my eyes flashed to Tanzi’s. Her blue eyes were hooded, apologizing without speaking. Grabbing my wallet from the kitchen bench, I left the apartment in silence. As I walked towards my car, I pulled out my phone and checked my messages. Still nothing from Sav.

I couldn’t stop myself from sending her another text.

Me: Sav, what’s going on? Please call me. I don’t care what time it is.

I put my Jeep into drive and hastily pulled out of the garage, joining the chaos of Los Angeles traffic. I loved the rush and intensity of living in the city, but my heart would always be at the beach. San Diego was home, and even though it was my most loved place, it was also the scene of my worst nightmares—and those nightmares had swallowed the memories of my youth. San Diego was the place where Uncle Trevor had taught me to surf, where my days had been spent lazing on the beach, and where bonfires and beer was a ritual. San Diego was the backdrop of my youth.

I just didn’t know if San Diego could ever be that place for me again. I looked in the rear-view mirror and my eyes narrowed on the apartment building as it faded into the distance behind me. Instantly I regretted the way I had snapped at Tanzi. I was so protective of my relationship with Sav and I wouldn’t allow anyone to think I was doing anything that would jeopardize it. I slammed my palms on the steering wheel, turned up the stereo loud, and headed down the familiar Pacific highway.

San Diego meant Candice. San Diego meant heartache. San Diego meant the best and worst time of my life. Every time I drove down this familiar highway, panic ripped through every inch of me and my body tensed to the point of pain. This was the reason I never visited.

My palms gripped the steering wheel tightly as the familiar intersection came into view.
Please don’t turn red. Please don’t turn red
. Slowing down to a stop as the traffic light flicked from yellow to red, panic quickly swept through me like a tidal wave. This intersection, the corner of Nile and Anderson, belonged to Candice. It was the intersection where she’d been ripped away from me. The world moved around me but I was frozen as memories and regret flooded me as they always did. If only I hadn’t called her that night. No matter what anyone tried to make me believe, I would never stop blaming myself for it. I remembered like it was yesterday when I opened the door to find Tanzi and Candice’s dad.

Walking through the apartment Candice and I now called home, I couldn’t have felt more alive. One week ago, we’d moved into what we called our perfect apartment. I threw my books and keys on the couch, and the sound of my keys hitting the tile floor echoed off the walls.

Thank fuck it was the weekend. My weekend plans included a bonfire and drinks on the beach with Tanzi, Blake, Candice, and a few other friends. After a week of finals, we could finally let off some steam. This weekend had extra significance though. I swallowed hard as my hands found the small box in my pocket. This weekend I was planning on popping the question. Things had been going so well with Candice, and I knew this was the next step. We were still so young, but there was innocence about our relationship, and I didn’t give a shit what anyone else said. Blake always said that our relationship was boring and that he’d seen the spark fade out of my eyes the moment Candice and I had ‘settled,’ but I didn’t see it like that. I grabbed my phone out of my bag as a sudden urge for pizza and beer swept through me. Candice would have been almost due to leave to make her way home.

“Hey, babe, I am just on the
—
” Candice’s cheery voice said when she answered before she got cut off.

I laughed softly to myself. Candice’s phone was notorious for dropping calls, but she wouldn’t let me buy her a new one. I stumbled into the shower to wash off the remains of a day stuck in a stuffy lecture room and to get ready for the night ahead.

Three hours later, there was still no word from Candice.

I opened the door to the sound of loud knocking and was greeted by a distraught Tanzi and Candice’s father.

“Tate,” Tanzi choked out and collapsed into my arms. I looked between Tanzi and Candice’s Dad and instantly knew. Candice was no longer with me.

The honk of a horn behind me threw me back into reality. I waved an apology to the car behind me, put my Jeep into gear, and sped away from that god-awful intersection. I rolled down the car window and my mood lifted as the scent of the ocean flittered through my car and the cool breeze hit my face. I veered into the parking lot of Davis’ Lookout, one of my most favorite places in the world. Sitting in the driver’s seat, I debated with myself whether to get out of not. The tightness in my chest ached. This place held so many memories.

Rubbing my sweaty palms on my pants, I exhaled loudly. More than anything in this world I wanted the shadows of my past to stop darkening my future with Sav, and I knew I needed to do this. With a shaky hand, I opened the car door and stepped out into the sunshine before walking to the solitary wooden bench that overlooked the ocean. I closed my eyes and threw my head back as the sun’s rays danced over my skin. The sound of the waves crashing was like music to my ears, providing an uneasy peace for my turbulent mind—a mind being taken over by thoughts of Candice and my dad. I opened my heavy eyes and looked out over the ocean and swallowed hard.

“Candice, this was our place, the place I first took you on a date, where we first kissed, and where I first said I love you. You were everything to me. I think about you every day, and I remember everything about you.”

My throat tightened and my chest constricted. I took a deep breath and squeezed my eyes shut, begging myself to continue.

“I’ve met someone, Candy, and the guilt I am feeling because I’ve fallen in love is strangling me. Her name is Savannah, and I think you would have really liked her. She is feisty and sassy, and she doesn’t put up with my bullshit. I am so in love with her. She has allowed me to heal from losing you. She has given me the biggest gift anyone could ever give me. She has given me my life back. I am happy. I will never ever forget you, but I am feeling things I’ve never felt before. Sav and I are having a baby, Candice. I am going to be a father. I am scared though because I don’t want to turn into Dad, and you know how I feel about that. You were the first to hold my heart. You showed me how to love, and for that you will always own a piece of my heart, but I need to move on without feeling guilty. It isn’t fair to Sav. I am so sorry for everything that happened. I am sorry that I called, I am sorry that you answered the phone, and I am sorry that I couldn’t protect you.”

I swallowed hard as the familiar lump in my throat rose just like it did every time I thought of Candice. Rubbing my chest with my shaking hands, I tried desperately to loosen the tightness that was crushing me. Could life really give you two amazing people in your life? Candice had been my world but Sav was now my universe. She needed to know.

Me: Please know that even if I haven’t spoken to you I am thinking of you. You are the only one I think of. I love you.

At that moment, I realized more than anything that I needed to be in New York.

The sun above me shaded as clouds swept through. It was a peace I needed. Candice and I had always come to the beach on cloudy days. The perfect sunny day with not one cloud in the sky was now shaded by a single cloud. I looked up and relief swept through me like a freight train. I wasn’t a spiritual man, but at that moment, it felt like Candice was giving me a sign that it was okay to move on, to live my life, to give myself completely to Sav and Jellybean. My phone suddenly beeped in my hand.

Sav: What I feel for you is indescribable. The right words are never enough. I miss you.

And just like that, Savannah could make every one of my insecurities disappear into thin air.

I parked my Jeep in the driveway and looked over the house that would always be my home. Mom kept it immaculate. The lawn was groomed to perfection and the gardens that were her pride and joy were bursting with color. This place was the epitome of a beach house, with its antique white shutters, wooden panelling, and mocha-colored pillars. It was perfect.

The front door swung open, and the look on Mom’s face was priceless. She grabbed both of my hands and squeezed them tightly. “Hi, darling! What brings you here?”

“I needed to come and see my Mom.”

A smile overtook her face and her blue eyes twinkled with happiness. Wrapping her arms around me, she hugged me so tightly that the air escaped my lungs. I may be twenty-five years old but I was and always would be a momma’s boy, and I wasn’t afraid to admit it. The things my mom had sacrificed for Tanzi and me were indescribable, and I knew for the rest of my life I would always be making it up to her even though I would never tell her that. I made that mistake once and had been clipped around the ear and told not to be stupid. Obviously Tanzi and I get our feistiness from her.

I followed Mom through the foyer and down the hall towards the kitchen, and the smell of freshly baked red velvet cupcakes lingered through the air. I looked at her suspiciously as a smile swept over her face. “Your sister may have called to tell me of your visit.”

The walls surrounding me contained so many amazing memories, and every time I came for a visit they flooded my mind. It was the perfect place to grow up. It was the type of house you dreamed of growing up in. It was only steps away from the ocean and away from the hustle and bustle of the city. My love of surfing was destined the moment we moved here when I was five. This house had served Tanzi and me well during our crazy high school and college years. I couldn’t count the amount of times we had stumbled home drunk, clutching each other for support after drinking around a bonfire on the beach with our friends.

“How are Sav and my little grandchild?” Mom asked, her eyes glistening with excitement.

Mom’s face lit up like a Christmas tree every time she spoke of Sav, and that just cemented how incredible Sav was. Mom had always been overly protective of Tanzi and me, and it all boiled down to our prick of a father leaving. She’d seen us suffer and she didn’t want that to happen again. Fuck, when she first met Jack, she gave him hell. He had to prove himself over and over again that he was worthy of Tanzi.

To be honest, I’d been shitting my pants at the thought of telling Mom about Jellybean, but Sav had invited her to LA and used her usual charm, and Mom was over the moon at the thought of becoming a grandma. I thought she’d been shocked that I was actually in a committed relationship and using the L word, but when Sav and I told her we were having a baby, her reaction was something else. It wasn’t just Mom that it affected; I knew Sav was struggling when we were telling people. Not that she was scared. It was more so that she wasn’t able to tell her parents. I could see it in her eyes that she was constantly thinking about her parents, and it killed me that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.