Broken (11 page)

             
There’s a tiny smirk on Viv’s face. But, she’s careful not jump the gun. “Hung out? As friends?”

             
I laugh to myself. She knows me better than that. “Sort of. I didn’t sleep with her. I didn’t kick her out of my bed in the morning. And, I remember her name…I want to see her again.”

             
“Wow. You had me at the point where you remember her name. That’s a pretty big deal, Eric.” This time, Viv is teasing me. “Tell me her name.”

             
Usually, these sessions are meant for me to talk about Lindsay and how much I wish she were here so I can talk to her. But, today, I talk about Lena. I tell Viv every last detail from how Lena reminds me of Snow White to how confidently cool she is. I tell her I’m afraid that she’s like me because something bad has happened to her. I tell her that I want to see her again… that I can’t wait to see her again. While I talk, Viv sucks it all in. It’s almost like she is amazed that I remember so much of Lena. I don’t give too many details of how many bases I scored with Lena, but I do tell her that I held her the entire night. This is where Viv notices the change in my expression.

             
“Why are you sad that you held Lena? That it made you happy?” Viv wonders.

             
“Because when I have happy thoughts about Lena, I can’t think of Lindsay,” I answer honestly. I look down avoiding Viv’s stare, “And, that makes me sad. It’s fucking with my head, Viv.”

             
Viv makes her way around her desk and plops down in the chair next to mine. The chair scoots closer to mine and she reaches over to hug me. I let her. She’s the closest thing I’ve had to a mother in a long time. So, I let her mother me. “Eric, you will never forget Lindsay. She will always be in your heart. It’s okay to let her go now, without guilt, so you can have a life. And, when you get that life, you can think of Lindsay, without guilt, when the time is appropriate. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

             
At first, I don’t realize it, but I’m crying. It’s not a sobbing cry, but plain tears. I’m still holding onto Viv. For some reason, I can’t let her go. “Eric, there’s more. Please hear me out. You need to make peace with your parents. Have you been to your mom’s grave?”

             
My inner child wants to tell Viv to go fuck herself. But, I also know, in my heart, she is trying to help me. “I haven’t. It’s too fucking hard.”

             
She gives me a squeeze and hands me a tissue. “I have a little exercise I want you to do. I want you to write a letter to your mom. Tell her the things that you didn’t get a chance to. Tell her anything you want, but, talk to her. Then, when you are strong enough, I want you to go to her grave and read it. This doesn’t have to happen overnight. Just begin the letter. That’s all I ask.”

             
I use the tissue I was given. My red-rimmed eyes meet hers. “What if what I have to say is not so nice? I’m a little pissed at her, Viv.”

             
She pulls me back into a hug and repeats herself, “It’s okay, Eric. Say what you feel.”

             
“What am I going to do about Lena? She might be just as fucked up as me.” I’m feeling a little insecure.

             
“Who says two fuck ups can’t get to know each other?” Viv begins to laugh as do I. It’s the first time, in our history, that she has swore. I thought it would sound unnatural coming from her, but it didn’t.

             
Before I go, I need to ask her one last question. I don’t know why I need to know this. Maybe it’s curiosity. Maybe it’s me missing my lack of parental guidance. “Viv, why don’t you have kids? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I’m curious.”

             
With a sigh, she reluctantly answers. “Eric, most of us don’t do this kind of work unless it has touched us in some way. Many years ago, I had someone in my life that didn’t treat me well. I was hurt badly and the damage made it impossible to bear my own children.”

             
I wish I didn’t ask. Viv’s a good person. It makes me angry someone that someone hurt her. “Sorry, Viv.”

             
“Don’t be, Eric. I know you are not a religious person. Heck, I’m not so sure I am myself. But, when one door closes, another opens. I’ve had the pleasure of seeing you grow up and being a part of your life for years. You’ve brought me the joy a child of my own would have brought me. I haven’t missed out on a thing since you have come into my life.”

             
I’m back in her arms again. Both of us are sobbing. I feel like a little bitch but I can’t seem to get a handle on my emotions. At the same time, I get what she means. She’s stood in when my mom couldn’t. Viv has looked out for me. “Love you, Viv.”

             
“Love you too, Eric.”

***

I find Joey playing on the playground. When he sees me, he runs towards me to give me a hug. His sister hangs back a little. She’s still a little skittish. I don’t blame her. “What’s up, little man? How’ve you been?”

             
The kid is so excited to see me. It makes me feel good. Wanted. Needed. “Viv let me play her video games. I go to school here. They give me a cookie every night. And…Eric, guess what?”

             
I’m amused at Joey’s ramblings. “What?”

             
“My mommy smiles.” Joey takes my hand and leads me to the swings. He gets on and expects me to push.

             
My chest feels like it’s going to burst with joy. I’m so fucking stoked for this kid. He’s doing so well. His sister finally comes towards us and takes the swing next to Joey’s. I push both of them at the same time. After Joey’s admission, he doesn’t do much talking. The talking is replaced with laughing from swinging. And, I feel good.

***

LENA

I’m having a real hard time concentrating on sorting the pictures I took of the Nora’s. My screen on my laptop continues to circle the same frames over and over again. Well, actually, I keep missing the frames because my thoughts keep going to Eric. I do everything in my power to try to ignore the invasive thoughts, but the bitches keep coming back.

             
Again, my mind is lost in Eric’s ocean blue eyes when Bree startles me. “Hey. How are the pictures coming?” Bree grabs a chair from the cubicle next to me and slides up to my screen. “Ooh, that’s a good one.” She points to the picture I can’t seem to get off of my screen.

             
“Yeah. They all are good. Why don’t you pick one for your piece on the band?” I don’t mean to shuck my job off on her but my heart is just not in it today. I watch Bree click through my photos and I let my mind drift back to Eric. I don’t know why I keep thinking of him. It’s not like we did it. And, to be honest, I usually don’t think of my partners ever again after I sleep with them. But, there is something about Eric that I can shake from my system. I’m going to have to work on shaking his ass out of my brain if I’m going to keep it together.

             
I decide to ask Bree about Josh in hopes of taking my mind off of my problem. “So, umm, Josh is yummy.”

             
Bree gets that goofy, ‘I’m so in love’ face. “Yeah, he is.”

             
I dig Bree because she doesn’t go overboard with the ‘goo goo gah gah’ shit. “He’s smitten. That’s for sure. You’re a lucky gal,” I play punch her in the arm.

             
Still focused on the pictures, she smirks at the screen, “Yes, I am.” The chair she is sitting in swivels to face me, “I hope I didn’t leave you high and dry with Eric.”

             
She’s worried that he used me. I can see it in her face. “Bree, it’s all good. Eric and I are going to be friends.”

             
At first, she seems to be a little stunned. All I can think of is that Eric must have one hell of a reputation with the ladies. “Good,” she seems relieved. Turning back to the screen, she asks, “Hey, do you want to come to one of their yard concerts with me? It will be fun.”

             
It does sound like fun. Plus, I’d really like to hear Paperless Story play. “I wouldn’t miss it. Let me know when the next one is going to happen. I’ll be there.”

             
Bree nods and begins working again leaving me with my wandering mind.

***

              Eric is the first guy, since Levi that I gave my real number to. I’m not sure why I did it. It doesn’t matter because the action is done. But, now that he has it, I want him to use it. I’m about to have a conniption fit when my cell goes off. ‘My Blue Heaven’ by Taking Back Sunday blares through my phone speaker.

             
I answer the phone and hear Eric’s voice come through, “So, what ringtone did you set me to?”

             
I quip back, “What? No hello?”

             
“I jump right to the important stuff, Lena. Music is everything. It gives meaning to everything. If you didn’t set me to a ringtone, I might be offended. Tell me,” his voice is flat and dry. I find his declaration a little strange but understand it at the same time.

             
“My Blue Heaven by Taking Back Sunday.” I’m not sure why I chose the song. It just seem to fit at the time.

             
“Good choice.” He seems sure of why I picked it. I wish he would explain it to me.

             
“Do you have a ringtone set for me?” I ask. I can’t wait to hear this.

             
“Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews.” No explanation is given. I don’t need one. I got it.

             
“So, did you call just to find out what ringtone I gave you?” I begin to peel the nail polish off of my nails. It’s a habit I can’t break.

              “I called because I want to hang out with you again. I’d prefer to hang out where I’m not tempted to stick my hand down your pants.” I’m caught off guard by his comment.

             
I’m uneasy. I don’t date. I don’t get to know the people I sleep with. I make no emotional connection with anyone. It works for me. I can’t get hurt. “Umm, Eric…I don’t date.”

             
“Who said we were dating? I don’t date either. You’re a cool chick. I’m a decent guy. Let’s hang out. No strings attached.” I can hear him trying to convince himself of something.

             
It’s time to make a decision. The decision to trust Eric and allow him to become my friend without any attachment is a hard one to make. I haven’t trusted a guy in a long time. I’m not about to start now. There is this nagging notion hanging around telling me that Eric has just as much to lose here as I do. Sad people can sniff out other sad person. I see his sadness. It matches mine.

             
By now, almost all of my nail polish is off. I’ve picked the shit out of my fingers. “What do you have in mind?”

             
“There’s a place down by the river where we can have a picnic. It’s filled with joggers, kids and strollers, dogs on leashes. We can’t get in to too much trouble with all of that around us. What do you think?”

             
The devil in my head laughs. Something tells me Eric can get into trouble wherever he goes. And, I wouldn’t put up a fight going with him. I snicker, “Okay. I’m going with you…as a friend.” If I keep repeating it, I will believe it.

             
“I’ll see you there. Friend.” Another flat and dry response emanates from his mouth.

***

ERIC

I arrive early to set up. It’s been a while since I had to work at this. By this, I mean the whole trying to
‘impress a girl’ shit. Usually, a simple suggestion of sex with me works. That’s not going to work with Lena. I’m sure she wouldn’t have a problem doing it with me, but it would cut all ties between us. And, that bothers me.

             
The whole situation is puzzling to me. I like her. I know I want to be around her. She’s fucking beautiful. Obviously, I think about her. But, there is still one burning question fucking with my head. Why? I’ve been with plenty of beautiful pieces of ass. Why is her ass so damn special?

             
Then, there is Lindsay. I dreamt about her last night. We were here having a picnic just like I planned for Lena. We didn’t speak to each other for a long time. Lindsay was in my arms looking at the water. It felt so real. I felt her. She looked so peaceful and happy. And, that made me happy. Finally, she gazed up at me and told me that she loved me. It felt like goodbye. My face changed and worry appeared. She was leaving me and I felt anxious and sad. After that, she was gone. I remember running around like crazy looking for her. I couldn’t find her anywhere. I woke up wanting Lena more than ever. Explain that shit to me.

             
Lena wants to drive herself here. That way, she won’t be tempted to stay with me and go back to my place. As she walks across the grass towards the blanket I have spread out, I can’t help but think her beauty is a curse. I see every man look at her−married and unmarried. You’d think she would be only a rocker’s type of girl. She’s got that cute little stud in her nose and arm sleeve of pink orchards but that doesn’t stop any guy from looking at her. Yeah, she’s that pretty. To make matters worse, it’s the type of beauty you can’t really pinpoint what’s so alluring. I find myself hating her and liking her at the same time.

             
The struggle to find words is suffocating. And that…is the first time ever I am speechless. Her face has been implanted in my brain for days now. I’m convinced she is some kind of superior species trying to take over the Earth by plucking off the mankind one by one, by killing with her beauty. I got to get myself together. Player of the year, Eric Parker, is getting his ass kicked at his own game.

             
Her feet reach the edge of the blanket. The shiny, black nail polish on her toes glitters in the sunlight. My eyes start at her feet and trail up her legs to her thighs. My theory is that she wore the tattered jean skirt to fucking kill me. The milky white skin is begging to be sucked, kissed, and touched. She arches her eyebrow in question and I find myself embarrassed for gawking at her. “Hey. Is this all for me?” Her twinkling blue eyes scan the blanket of fruit, cheeses, and other goodies.

             
Looking at the spread, I realize I may have overdone it. “I wasn’t sure what you like to eat,” I admit.

             
Dropping to her knees, she lies next to me on the blanket. Putting her hands behind her head, she sighs, “The sun feels so good. Doesn’t it?”

             
It does. It feels good. I don’t know if it is the glow from the sun that is feeding my addiction to the warmth or her. “Are you hungry?”

             
“Yeah.”

             
We eat in silence for a bit, watching the ripples of the waves in the river. I ask her about her job and how she started her career in photography. Lena gives me scripted answers. She’s careful enough not to reveal too much about herself. Since she is sticking to her manuscript, I decide to give her a subtle clue that she is boring me to death with her bullshit. So, I yawn.

             
“Am I boring you?” She’s pissed.

             
“A little. It’s kind of like talking to a robot.” I don’t mean to offend her. But, I know there’s more to her than this.

             
“Wow. You’re kind of an asshole.” Now, she’s really ticked.

             
“Maybe I am. But, you can’t bullshit a bull-shitter. You’re not even trying.” I want her to know that I’m on to her. I’ve lied so many times; I could make a living at it. Seems like she’s in the same profession.

             
“I told you that I don’t date. This is the reason why. You don’t need to know who I am or where I came from.” More of her defenses are showing.

             
“We’re not dating. How many times do I have to say that before you get it? This is about being friends. Let me show you how this works. Are you ready?” She huffs but nods at the same time. Provoking her with shock value is the only way I can reach her. “Okay, my mom is dead and my dad is in jail for killing my mom. I had only one girlfriend. Her ex-boyfriend killed her. When she died, I went into a dark hole. I drank too much. I fucked too much. I smoked weed too much. How did I do?”

             
Her pretty little mouth hangs open. Silence. It’s an awkward moment. I pick up a rock next to me and chuck it in to the river. I’m sure I just fucked the whole thing up. “Eric, I’m sorry.” My scare tactic worked.

             
I fall backwards onto the blanket using my hands to rub the exhaustion from my eyes. “It’s pretty obvious I’m not ready for a relationship. So, you don’t need to worry about that. If you decide you want to be a part of my life, you know the tip of the iceberg of what kind of hell I’ve been through. All I ask is…that…you make an effort to let me know you.”

             
“That’s just the tip?” She’s in shock again.

             
“Yeah,” I laugh. “My past is a hot mess.”

             
“How’s your future?”

             
I smile at her and take her hand. “It’s looking better already.”

             
Blushing, she uses her thumb to caress my hand as I hold it. “I…uh…like you, Eric. You seem pretty comfortable putting yourself out there. I’m not comfortable doing that. At least, not yet.”

             
“Yet, you are perfectly comfortable taking your clothes off in front of complete strangers.” I don’t mean to be blunt. I’m trying to get her to the point where she breaks a little.

             
To my surprise, instead of slapping me, she gives me an embarrassed giggle. “You really don’t hold back. Do you?”

             
“Nope.” I’m being smug.

             
“It’s weird, I know. To me, this is just,” she points to her chest. “Skin. I’m numb when I take my clothes off. It doesn’t feel like I’m naked. But, when asked about me…what’s inside…I feel naked.”

             
That’s more than what I expected from her. It’s a vague explanation but it says so much. “It’s not weird. It makes sense.”

             
She shakes her head in agreement and takes a sip of her water. “It’s scary that you think that. It means that you must be just as broken as I am.”

             
I give her a weak smile and decide we need to lighten the mood. I pull out two cupcakes decorated like the orchids on her arm and hand her one. “For you, Cupcake.”

             
Looking at the cupcake and then to me, she asks, “You got these made for me? They look so much like my tattoo.”

             
“I do anything for you, Sugar.” I attempt to joke, hoping she picked up on the ‘Cupcake’ comment.

             
She laughs, “Cupcake? Sugar?”

             
“What’s the matter Sweetness? You don’t like pet names?” I keep it going. I could do this all day.

             
“No.” Lena is still laughing but her reply is dry.

             
“Kay, Honey. I’ll stop.” I bite into my cupcake. With a mouthful of cupcake, I tell her to eat.

             
When we are done eating, we lie on the blanket and watch the sunset. The conversation drifts from our jobs to how I met Josh. She asks about Lindsay. I don’t lie. I tell her everything. When she asks about my mom, I tense up a bit, but I manage to get it out. Talking to Lena is easy. It feels right to get all of my shit out. It feels right telling her. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest.

             
The dark takes over and I know our time together is about to end. I don’t want it to. Lena makes me feel comfortable and safe. The feeling leaves when she’s gone. The only other time I had that feeling was when I was with Lindsay or when I was smoking a joint.

             
“I have to go, Eric.” Her face reflects regret. She doesn’t want to go either.

             
“I’ll walk you to your car.”

             
When we get to her car, she thanks me for everything and gives me a quick peck on the cheek. It’s a far cry from the affection I received from her before. But, I will take it.

             
“I’ll see you soon?” she asks.

             
“Definitely.”

              When I get home, Josh is lounging on the couch. I don’t see Bree anywhere. Which is a shocker. Those two are like peanut butter and jelly…constantly together. I’m kind of disappointed Bree is not there. She brings light to our house. “Yo, where’s Bree?”

             
Josh yawns, “She’s trying to finish an article. I seem to distract her when I’m around.”

             
“I bet you do. So, what’s it like banging someone you actually care about?” I usually don’t pry into Josh’s sexual life. But, I’m glad he’s met someone that he has affection for. He’s never been in love. If there is a guy out there that deserves a good woman, it’s him.

             
He lets out a nervous chuckle. “I’m not banging her. I’m waiting.”

             
“What the fuck did you just say? I thought she was your girl?” Josh declared his monogamy to me a short while ago.

             
“She is my girl. I just want something to look forward to, I guess. With every other chick, I fucked them right off the bat. There was no anticipation or feeling. With Bree, I want everything to be right.” Josh confesses.

             
“Alright. But, I don’t see the point. You are hers. She’s yours. It sure does sound like y’all are fucking each other. I get a stiffy just listening in.” I break the tension.

             
“Dirty bastard,” he mutters.

             
“Whatever, y’all are doing, keep it up.” I’m just baiting him now. It’s fun. He used to do this to Lindsay and me all of the time. I get that it was his sister. And me, having sex with her, probably made him feel uncomfortable, so he made fun of me. Karma is a bitch. I’ve waited years to tease him about this.

             
“Dude. Cut it out. I know what you are doing.” Josh catches on.

             
“Next time, don’t shut the door. I don’t want to have to strain to hear her moaning through the wall.” I keep going.

             
This time he chucks a pillow at my head. “Quit it. Shithead.”

             
I think he’s had enough. Besides, I have time and more material to gain before I really lay into him. I use a feminine voice to tease him, “So sensitive.”

             
He gives me a lopsided grin. “You’re an asshole, you know that?”

             
“Learned from the best.” I put him in a headlock and give him a Noogie.

             
After fighting me off and yelling every obscenity at me he asks, “Where the hell were you today, anyway?”

             
“I was with Lena.” Casually, I mention I was with her. I don’t go into detail because I’m sure I will get my ass handed to me, if I did.

             
Josh doesn’t pry too much. He knows my game. “Just remember, she’s Bree’s friend, man.”

             
“I got this, Josh. We’re just friends.” His eyebrow arks in question and I feel the need to explain. “I’m not shittin’ you.” I’m not pulling his leg. Lena and I are just friends…for now. Mentally, I don’t know where I want to take this. Already, I’m dealing with losing my thoughts of Lindsay. I had to work my ass off today just to get Lena to act like a normal chick.

I’m fucking exhausted. I mean, really fucking tired. Within weeks, my life has been turned upside down. Josh and I moved through the motions of getting fucked up and
fucking. It worked. Now, Bree shows up. She brings an entire shit show with her. I’m not blaming her for being here. Like I said, she’s brought light and happiness. But, she also brought familiar memories and experiences, Josh and I buried. Then, she brings Lena around. And, I’m thoroughly convinced Bree and Lena are here to punish Josh and me for all of the sins we’ve racked up over the past few years.

I’m lost in my thoughts of Bree
. Damn, she reminds me so much of Lindsay. I fucking love it. It’s not the way you think. It’s the memories I have of her, before I was even attracted to her that way. She was just Josh’s cute, little, annoying sister. Her innocence and vulnerability to new situations drew you in every…fucking…time. She had a way of getting you involved in things you didn’t want to. Both Josh and I followed along like two pathetic stray dogs looking for our next meal. We depended on each other and made a family because our real, blood families sucked.