Broken (14 page)

LENA

It’s been over a week since Bree was released from the hospital. Eric and Josh decided that she is moving in with them until she can get past everything that has happened to her. Poor girl. My heart bleeds for her.

             
I thought I had been through some shit, but she really has been put through the ringer. Josh and Eric had to take care of some things at their studio. I have volunteered to take care of Bree. She’s recovering well considering she suffered a miscarriage.

             
Lying in Josh’s bed, she looks beaten down. I lie beside her. “Hey. Can I get you anything?”

             
She begins to cry. “Do you mind just laying with me? I don’t want to be alone.”

             
I shake my head. “I’m having trouble figuring out what to say. I’m here if you need to scream, hit, punch, kick, or break shit.”

             
Bree begins to crack a smile, “That’s the most interesting thing anyone has said to me so far.”

             
“Well, I figured you were tired of hearing some of the insensitive shit that comes out of a person’s mouth.” I say it for her. I overhead one of co-workers that had visited saying to Bree, “At least you know you can get pregnant.”

             
Bree rubs her eyes and excuses the morons that have trampled through her hospital room. “People get nervous, Lena. They don’t know what to say. It’s alright.”

             
“Can I just say…Hilda’s an idiot?” Hilda is a receptionist where Bree and I work. She told Bree that God doesn’t want her to have a baby, especially since she wasn’t married. Then, she tried to convert her to her fucked up religion.

             
Bree snickers, “Yeah, well, you can’t fix stupid. So, I choose to ignore her ignorant ass.”

             
“How are you really doing, baby girl?” I can’t imagine what Bree is going through. Her ex-boyfriend is dead. She lost a baby. It has to be tough.

             
Sighing, she begins to cry. “Not so good. I’m trying to be strong. But, I can’t stop thinking about that baby. The guilt I have for dragging Josh, you, and Eric into this mess is killing me too.”

             
I cry with her. Bree is goodhearted. She thinks of everyone else before she thinks of herself. Bree needs to know she is our family and that we love her. “Stop. You didn’t do anything to bring this on. We’re all here because we love you. Josh loves you. You are going to make it through.”

             
“And, you will too. You have to tell Eric about Levi, Lena. Please. He’s falling for you. Please, just tell him.” I told Bree about Levi while I was visiting her in the hospital. I didn’t mean to tell her while she was in there. On the days Josh and Eric had to work, I spent hours with her alone. It was the only time I had with her without any interruptions. It’s brought us so much closer.

             
I let out a huff, “Fine. I will. I still think we need to break some shit.”

             
Laughing at me, she reaches out to me for a hug. “Maybe some other time. Thank you, Lena. I love you.”

             
Still embracing her, I tell her I love her too. It was bad timing. Before we could let go of each other, Josh and Eric bust through Josh’s door. The position Bree and I are in looks a little strange, but anyone in their right mind knows that it is a moment between two friends. Leave it to these two perverts to get off on it.

             
“Fuck…yes. My dream is coming true. Keep going girls. Don’t stop.” Eric jokes. He loves lightening the tension in a room.

             
“Pervert.” I throw a dirty shirt at him.

             
“Seriously. Don’t fucking stop. Holy shit, that’s hot.” Josh chimes in.

             
Bree has a genuine smile on her face. I’m glad she is finding amusement in all of this. She’s been crying so much lately. “Lena is hot as hell. But, I’d rather have my Josh,” Bree’s eyes connect with Josh’s. When they look at each other, it’s like they communicate without saying words. I sense they need to be alone.

I roll from the bed and grab Eric’s hand. “Looks like you’re stuck with me, Eric.”

Eric kisses me quickly. “I’m good with that.”

Since the accident, we all have been
running back and forth to the hospital the past few weeks. I never got the opportunity to tell Eric about my past. He hasn’t pushed me either. I lead him to his bedroom and motion for him to sit down.

“Tough couple weeks, huh?” I look at Eric. The stress is wearing him down. Nodding, he begins to throw clothes off of the bed clearing a spot for me. I sit down next to him and run my fingers through his sandy blond hair at the base of his neck.

Taking my hand and kissing it, he asks, “How are you doing? You look like you’ve been crying. Everything ok?”

“Yeah. It’s hard to watch your friend hurt. I know you get it. They don’t deserve that kind of pain, Eric. Losing a kid? It’s just hard to watch them go through this.” Every time I look at Josh or Bree my heart breaks for them.

Eric’s head falls into his hands. His face is resting on his hands while his elbows sit on his knees. He’s trying to compose himself. Once he’s got himself together, he faces me. His beautiful, blue eyes are watery but the water doesn’t spill over. When he does talk, there’s a slight hitch in his voice. “They have been through hell and back, Lena. Together, they will make it through. It would have been cool to be Uncle ‘E’, I have to admit.”

I shake my head in agreement.
I hold his hand. “Eric, it’s time for me to tell you what happened to me.”

“
You have to reopen some of the scars, are you cool with that?” I can see he’s concerned for me.

“It’s the only way to get my heart to open.” I confess.

“Let’s hear it.”

The beginning of the story is easy. Telling someone you had a crush on someone since you were nine years old isn’t a huge deal. It’s the rest I struggle with. The scars from being bullied day in and day out because of my mom’s unfortunate situation still burn. As I progress into Brad’s role in harassment, Eric becomes distraught. Finally, when I get to
the part where Levi threw the money at me, Eric is beyond angry.

Rehashing all of the old memories has made me vulnerable. Like Eric said, I’ve built up so many walls around me since it all happened
. Now that the walls have fallen, I have no protection. “I should have never let him take my virginity. He basically turned me into a man-hating whore. ” I end my story with my admission of regret.

Pulling me to him, Eric kisses me gently easing my mouth open so I can feel his tongue. When he breaks away, he
exhales. “Levi is a dick. He is a selfish coward. He definitely doesn’t deserve you. That being said, if I ever hear you call yourself a whore again, we’re done. Understood?”

“Understood.”

Just as he is about to kiss me again, Eric’s phone rings. “Fuck. I’m sorry. It’s Viv.”

“Take it. I’m okay.”

I try not to eavesdrop on his conversation with Vivienne. There’s something wrong. The panic in Eric’s voice is vociferous. There’s a series of who, what, when, why, and where before Eric slams the phone down. “Fuck!” he screams.

“What’s wrong?” I’m getting scared.

“It’s Joey. He’s in the hospital. His mom went back to her husband. Lena. He beat them all,” Eric starts to cry. “Joey is the only one that made it. He’s in critical condition.”

My hand flies to my mouth. Eric told me about his work at the shelter and his relationship with Joey. He said the family was doing really well.  I cry with him, “Eric, I’m so sorry, baby.”

Quietly, he gets up and begins to throw things around the room. Clearing his entire dresser of everything on it, he beats the shit out of anything in his path. Sitting on the bed, I watch him. He needs this. I allow him to scream, cry, and destroy things. Eventually, Josh busts through the door.

“What the fuck? Dude, what the hell is going on?” Josh runs to Eric wrapping his arms around him to get him to stop. Bree is in the doorway with her hand over mouth staring wide-eyed at me. Eric collapses into Josh’s arms.

“It’s Joey’s family. They’re gone. He’s in critical condition.” The tears fall from my eyes.

Josh continues to hold Eric allowing him to grieve. “It’s alright, man. He’s gonna make it. Let me take you to the hospital.” Eric allows Josh to scrape him up off of the ground.

“Do you need us?” Bree asks.

“Nah. I’ve got him. Y’all can help clean this up?”
Josh ushers Eric out the door. Bree and I agree. Josh knows how to handle Eric. They are brothers. I will be here for Eric when he gets back. I will always be here for him. I know that now.

***

Eric and Josh have been at the hospital for hours. Bree and I work to get Eric’s room somewhat in order by throwing out all of the broken stuff. Eric won’t have to go back into a room where he broke down. I haven’t heard from him but Josh texted Bree letting her know they were okay.

Bree and I work in silence. I’m struggling with this. All this time, Eric was working to win my heart when his heart is still bleeding from his past. It seems to follow him wherever he goes. If I just believed in him and that love does still exist, I could have made this fight easier for him. It’s clear. I’m in love with him. It’s
a deeper kind of love than I had for Levi. My love for Levi was an addiction. Addiction never leads to anything good. I realize that now. Eric just slashed my scarred heart wide open so he could heal it and make it new.

If
there were anything I could for Eric to take all this pain away, I would do it in a heartbeat. Right now, being there for Joey is his priority. And, it should be. Losing myself in all these thoughts has alarmed Bree. “Len, he’s going to be okay.”

My weak smile is doing a piss poor job concealing my worry. “Yeah. He’ll be fine.”

“Did you tell him about Levi?” Bree is taking the cleaning to a whole new level. Her type A personality is kicking in. She’s folded the same blanket three different ways.

             
My body gives in to the exhaustion and plummets backwards on Eric’s bed. “Yes. I told him everything. Right down to all of the guys I’ve slept with just to get back at Levi…in my head…at least. Eric told me not to call myself a whore. But, I can’t help but think that he’s wondering where I’ve been.” I cackle to myself. “And, the truth is, I can’t even tell him. Every guy that I let inside of me looked like Levi, touched like Levi, and smelled like Levi. I can’t tell Eric where I’ve been because I hardly remember myself.”

             
Bree is screwing with that damn blanket again. “Doesn’t matter. He doesn’t need to know where’ve you been. He needs to know that you are with him now.” She chucks the blanket down on the bed, giving up. “Are you with him?”

             
“Absolutely.” There’s no way I’m hiding anything from Eric again.

***

ERIC

Here I am again…back in the fucking hospital. I’m fucking sick of this place. Viv is pacing
back and forth waiting for any kind of information on Joey. “Eric, go home. There’s nothing you can do. You’re not family. They won’t let you in.”

             
I give her a snippy chortle, “Well, then no one is getting in, Viv. His fucking family is dead.” Josh glances between Viv and me. He’s waiting to pounce on me if I lose control.

             
Viv looks as if I just slapped her. “Eric, that’s uncalled for. How does that help anyone?”

             
“I don’t know, Viv. You tell me. You’re the fucking DV counselor.” I’m lashing out. It’s the only thing that is helping me deal with the pain. It’s wrong. But, I can’t help it.

             
“Calm down, man.” Josh butts in.

             
“Josh, go home. I’m staying.” I look right at Viv when I make my next statement. “Take care of your girl. She just lost her kid because the people in charge didn’t do their job.”

             
“Enough, man.” Josh warns.

             
Viv is about to say something to me. I’m sure the statement is clinical or analytical. She is going to tell me why I’m slating into her. Thank God, the doctor comes out to give Viv an update. It was about to get ugly. “Vivienne, can I speak with you?” The doctor knows Viv by name. It’s sad that Viv is here that much.

             
Viv and the doctor head to a quiet corner of the room. I can’t make out what they are saying to each other. Viv bobs her head up and down as the doctor speaks. Josh is staring at me. Getting tired of his glare, I whip into him. “Go the fuck home.”

             
“Sorry, brother. I’m not going. Deal with it.” He’s a stubborn bastard.

             
“This doesn’t concern you. Get the fuck out of here.”

             
“You concern me, asshole.” Josh bites back.

             
Josh isn’t going anywhere. Even if I kick his ass, right here and right now, he would take it. And, I’m not fighting him. He’s been through too much lately. My shit, added to his pile, isn’t going to help. “Whatever.”

             
The doctor finishes with Viv and she struts over to where I’m sitting. I start to relax a little when I see her face. “The doctor said he’s going to be fine. If you wait around, I can get you in as a representative of the shelter. Plus, Joey was asking for you.”

             
I tear up again. He’s going to be okay. At least one of my prayers was answered. Once I get to see Joey for myself, I will feel better. I try to find the words to thank Viv but I have too much anger in me and for the system. Neither Josh nor Viv say anything. Instead, I feel two pairs of arms wrapped around my shoulders. It’s then I let go and cry.

After I leave Joey’s hospital room, I wish I could say I feel better. His poor little body took so much mistreatment; I could actually see the hand marks on his body. Being able to hear his scratchy voice did help me process that he will heal physically. What he faces beyond the wounds seen is another story.
I will be there every step of the way.

             
Before I leave the hospital, Viv grabs me. “Eric? A moment please?”

             
Josh gets the picture, “I’ll be in the car, man. Take care, Viv.” Viv wishes him well and he walks out of the automatic doors.

             
Like a little kid, I huff knowing I’m about to get scolded. “What?”

             
“I know you’re hurting. I just want you to know that Joey’s mom made the decision to leave. No one pushed her out of the door at the shelter.” Viv defends the program. In my heart, I know she’s right. I’m a product of the program.

The loss is overwhelming sometimes. And, I second-guess why I stay around to help out. I touch her arm in a gentle gesture. None of this is her fault and I treated her like it was. “Sorry, Viv.”

I go to walk away but Viv grabs a hold of my arm. “Eric, I need you to do something for me. Today. It’s important.”

I’m tired. I just want to go home and lose myself in Lena. “What?”

“I need you to read that letter to your mom. Please. It has to be today. Bring Lena, Josh, and Bree. I will meet you there. Can you do that for me?”

I don’t know why it is so important to her.
The urgency in her voice tells me that she really wants me to do it. All of the times she has helped me counts for something. I can do this one thing for Viv. Right?

***

When we pull up to my mom’s plot at the cemetery, I can see Viv. She’s standing over my mom’s marker, looking as if she is having a mental conversation with someone. Seeing her standing there makes me want to run. However, I can’t do that. Looking at the faces that have joined me settles me down.

Walking towards Viv, Lena grabs my hand. I stop to give her a quick kiss
. It seems like an eternity before we reach Viv. I’m glad Lena is there, taking this walk with me. I grab the back of my neck and rub it, “Now is the time to run away, Lena. It’s your get out of jail free card.”

“I’ve never been the athletic type, so running is not an option.” Lena jokes. It makes me smile.

Viv notices the smile on my face and who brought me to do it. “You must be Lena. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”

“Same here.” Lena says.

Vivienne nods to Josh since they just saw each other. Her eyes focus on Bree. The counselor in Viv can’t help but escaping. “Bree, I’m so sorry for your loss. If you need to talk, I’m always available for a friend of Eric’s.” In a quiet voice, Bree thanks her.

I give Viv a quick peck on her cheek. It’s my way of apologizing for being an asshole earlier. She grabs my arms, “Are you ready for this?”

I shake my head. I’m not really ready for this. But, she asked me to do it. So, here goes nothing. As soon as I mutter the words, ‘Dear Mom’, I clam up. I see the words on the paper but they don’t want to come out. The words look foreign to me, like another person wrote them. That’s when I realize the letter is a bunch of happy bullshit. Our life was anything but fucking happy. It was a nightmare.

What I am about to do is unimaginable. You’re supposed to have respect for the dead. But, the words that are creeping up from the back of my throat are looking for a release. The pressure is so intense; I begin to gag a little. Everyone is asking me if I’m okay. I don’t answer them, because I can’t.

I take one last look at the words on the letter. I crumple the letter into a ball and throw it down on the ground, “Fuck this.” Lena bends to pick it up but Viv stops her by holding her hand. It’s like she knows what is about to happen.

I fall to the ground in front of my mother’s marker and begin to sob. My arms are over my head and I’m rocking back and forth. My fingers start to pull at my hair. Behind me, I hear Lena begin to cry. To my left, I see Bree with her hand over her mouth and tears running down her face. That’s when I feel the arms of my brother and I know it’s time to finally release all of the pain. Josh is kneeling behind me, holding me so my entire body won’t hit the ground.

I inhale a huge amount of air and wipe some of the tears from my eyes. “I came here to read you a letter, Mom. But, when I tried, the words wouldn’t come out. Do you know why?” Another gasping cry rings through the air. “Because the letter was pure bullshit. It said how much I missed you, which is true. It said that I love you. All true. But what it didn’t say….it didn’t say that I’m angry with you. I hate you for putting up with that piece of shit. I hate you for staying with him. I hate you for allowing him to hurt me. I hate you for going to the shelter and giving me fucking hope and then yanking it away.”

The tears are flowing steadily now. The only way that I’m still kneeling is because of Josh’s support. “You always said you wanted me and I was the everything to you. But, you didn’t think to stick around. Did you? That I fucking needed you here? No, you didn’t.
You left me, mom. Alone. Completely fucking alone. All you cared about was keeping the family together. Well, how the fuck did that work out for you? He tore our fucking family apart. Now, there’s nothing left of that family. That family is gone. But, we never really were a family. Were we? That was a lie.”

I allow Josh to help me stand on my own two feet. I turn and look around at the people standing with me. All of them are feeling my pain and crying with me. Although I can’t stop my tears, I smile. “But, I have my new f
amily. All of these people here, with me now, are my family. I was broken, but each one of them has had a part in making me whole again. So, I guess I should thank you for that. I love them and can’t imagine my life without them.”

The sniffles behind me are deafening. But, I keep going. Getting it all out is the only way for me to heal. I pause for a moment, thinking about what I would say to my mom if she were standing right in front of me. “I guess you had your reasons for doing what you did. I guess you thought you were doing the right thing. Your life was anything but easy here. I hope you h
ave peace wherever you are now. I love you, mom.”

Josh embraces me and
smacks my back. Viv is the next person to hug me. “You’re the bravest person I know, Eric. Job well done. I love you.” I know she does. Knowing that I will be the closest thing she will have to a son comforts me. She is one hell of a substitute mom.

“Love you too, Viv.” I croak out.

Once Viv lets go, she makes room for Bree. Bree kisses me on the cheek and wraps her arms around my waist. “We’re not blood. But, you will always be my brother. I love you, ‘E’.” I pinch her cheek. Giving me a lopsided smile she steps backwards.

Before me is the one person I was afraid I’d scare away with all of my shit. Lena is still here. That says something, right? Hesitantly, she steps forward. Her eyes are bloodshot from crying. My hands instinctually grab her waist. She brushes a piece of my hair off my forehead. “Hey.”

“Hey.” I answer back, remembering the first night we met.

“I’m going to say something to you. It might scare you.” Lena starts peeling her nail polish off again.

“Shoot. I’m surprised you’re still standing here. You’re the one who should be scared after witnessing that whole mess.” I admit. A bit of embarrassment is called for.

“I’m not scared of what I saw, Eric. What I saw was a beautiful guy having a conversation with his mom. What he had to
say touched me. I can’t stand to see your heart broken. I’m in love with you.” It’s the best thing I’ve heard come out of her mouth.

“I love you, too.” When my mouth touches hers, my body ignites into flames. I need her. There are no more secrets holding us back. I need my Lena.

Josh and Bree disappear into his room when we get home giving Lena and me privacy. I’m scared to see all of the damage I caused to my room. To my surprise, it’s all cleaned up. I thank Lena knowing she and Bree worked their asses off cleaning up my mess.

At first, Lena is quiet. I can’t blame her. It’s been a fucking exhausting day. She closes the door behind us. I put on my iPod station and Dashboard Confessional’s “Don’t Wait” blares through the room. The song fits the moment.

“Thanks for cleaning my room.” I’m grateful. If I had to come home to a shithole, I’d be mad at myself.

“You’re welcome.”

It wasn’t a passing thought at the cemetery that I need Lena tonight. I need all of her. I couldn’t have been prepared for the overwhelming emotions that would come from Lena telling me that she loved me.
The moment couldn’t have been more perfect. I may sound like a little bitch thinking these thoughts, but I don’t care.

As if she sensed what I was thinking, she stands directly in front of me. My mouth lunges for hers and she kisses me back with a force I don’t quite expect. Her lips are as eager as mine. I grab a hold of her hair pulling her head from mine. I may be a little rough but she doesn’t protest. “Understand this, Lena. If we do this, you’re mine. I know you ran from everyone else. I won’t have you run from me.”

“I’m not running from you. The same goes for you. If we do this, you’re mine as well. No more hiding from me.” She kisses me long and slow. “Eric, take off your shirt.”

I’ve let her see so much of me today. Taking my shirt off is going to be more than she can handle. “Lena, you don’t need to see this.”

“Eric.” Something about the way she said my name changed my mind.

Trembling, I take off the first t-shirt I have on. Seeing that I’m an absolute fucking wreck, Lena places her hands on the bottom of the remaining shirt. Looking in to my eyes, she inches the shirt up inch by inch. Her eyes never leave mine. I d
on’t think she is ready to look, but I’m not sure. The shirt finally reaches my shoulders and I help her pull it from my body.

So, she can have a clear view, I take a step back. Most of the tiny lesion scars are covered by my tattoos. However, there are so goddamn many of them, it was hard to cover them all. A hundred or more tiny purple scars adorn the front and back of my chest. The bastard like
d to use my chest as his ashtray so no one could see the burns.