Broken (16 page)

ERIC

Lena
seems so small and delicate as she sleeps. Her head is lying on the glass of the window. It’s like she couldn’t get farther away from me. She’s created a safe zone.

             
I wish I could say that I’m angry with Josh. Maybe, I am. I’m angry with him for drinking to get drunk. But, I’m not angry with him for slugging that dick, Brad.

             
I’m not sure why Lena ran. What’s worse is that she ran into the arms of a total stranger. That’s the part that is really fucking with me. And, now she is sleeping or pretending to be sleeping instead of talking to me. I’m afraid she’s decided to build walls again.

             
We pull into the front of my house and Lena wakes up. “Why didn’t you take me home?”

             
Lena has rarely been at her place the past few weeks. Why would I take her to her apartment? Although, I’d like to snap at her, I don’t. “I figured you’d want to stay with me. Am I wrong?”

             
Her expression softens. “No. You’re not wrong.”

             
When we get to my room, I give Lena stuff to wear and I strip down to my boxers. I don’t bother wearing a shirt anymore. It’s not necessary; I’ve got nothing to hide.

              The silence is killing me as we lie in bed together. For over twenty minutes, I debate what I should say to her. I replay the scene over and over in my head wondering how I could have handled it differently. Plus, I can’t seem to get the guy who caught Lena out of my head. It’s how he looked at her that is bothering me so much.

             
The way the guy raked his eyes over me is not settling well. After being in his arms, Lena went silent. She’s hardly said a word. Then, I get it. It’s him. It’s fucking Levi. Shit.

             
I can’t keep it in any longer. “Was it him?”

             
“Who?”

             
“Was it Levi?” I ask again.

             
“Yes.” I can barely hear her as she whispers her response.

             
“Are you okay with him being here?” The question is supposed to be an easy one.

             
“I thought I was.” She answers honestly.

             
I’m scared shitless. It’s not the response I expected. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

             
“I don’t know.”

             
I’m pissed. She is supposed to be mine. Her feelings should be clear. “Lena, be straight with me. What the fuck is going on?”

             
“How can I tell you what is going on, when I don’t know, Eric?” Wow. I haven’t heard her flip side since we first met.

             
I’m silent for a few minutes. I’m trying to wrap my head around all of this. To be honest, I’m avoiding the inevitable. If Lena can’t tell me what has spooked her, then we shouldn’t be together. Obviously, there are some feelings still there for Levi. Hell, maybe she always will have feelings for him. All I know is that there can’t be three people in my bed. It’s either me and Lena or no one.

             
“In the morning, I’m going to take you home. Do me a favor…don’t come back here until you’ve worked all of this out.” I’m not pushing her away. She’s already pulled out.

             
Flopping over to face me, I can see it all. She’s checked out. Her demeanor is cold and distant. “Why wait until morning? I’m going now. Bree can take me home.” With that statement she is up, dressed and knocking on Bree and Josh’s door.

             
I follow her out to Bree’s car, still trying to process why she is doing this. “Are your eyes closed, Lena? Because you told me you couldn’t stand seeing my heart broken. It’s breaking right now and you’re not doing a damn thing about it.”

             
Bree is standing at the driver’s side of the door. I can tell she is torn. Her eyes are on me. I can tell she doesn’t like what is going down. Lena breaks our stare. “Bree, please just take me home.”

             
Giving me a sympathetic glare, Bree gets into the driver’s seat and starts the car. She rolls down the window. “I’ll be back soon, Eric.” The headlights blind me as the car is backed out. I watch them pull away.

             
I need something…anything to take away the pain and fast. I’m about to pass Josh’s room. I check to make sure he’s sleeping. He’s totally passed out. Good. He won’t interrupt me.

             
Opening my dresser drawer, I take out my pipe. I blow into the pipe, plugging the carb hole to check the airflow. Next, I take the baggie of weed and pull out bits and pieces taking the stems and seeds out. I place the nuggletts in the bowl, side by side, covering the hole.  I do this over and over again making sure I filled in all of the gaps. I press down on the weed with the firmness of my thumb to even out the airflow.

             
Putting the pipe to my mouth, I plug the carb again and light the substance. Inhaling slowly, I let the smoke hit the back of my throat. After a few puffs, I finally feel the effects of the weed. And, I’m okay.

I don’t
want it to come to this. But, I need it tonight. Maybe tomorrow I won’t need it. Fuck. Who am I kidding? I’ll need it if Lena doesn’t come back to me. For right now, I let myself feel lighter, happier, and relaxed. I flop down on my bed, thinking of…well…absolutely nothing.

***

Josh surges through my door. I don’t even try to hide the remnants of what I did last night. I couldn’t if I tried. The lingering stench of herb
loiters my room. “It smells like fucking skunk in here. I thought you were done with that shit.”

“It was a rough night.” I don’t
give much of an explanation because I don’t fucking care to. Besides, I’m sure Bree filled him in.

“This isn’t going to become a habit. Is it?” Josh asks. He’s roving around my room looking for my stash.

I really don’t need this shit right now. I don’t even bother to get up from my bed. I just watch Josh search. “A habit? Nah. A habit would be something like drinking to get fucking drunk because I can’t handle my problems. Am I right, Josh?”

Josh sits in a chair diagonal to my bed. “Dude, don’t be an asshole.”

I’m ready for a fight. My primitive part of my brain is aching to take over. “An asshole? Hmm…let’s think about this, Josh. You’ve been drinking to escape all of the shit that is happening with Bree. Am I right? Yet, I smoke one bowl and you’re in here casting fucking stones. Hypocrite. Get the fuck out of my room.”

I’m expecting Josh to jump up and start pounding on my ass. He doesn’t. Instead, he gives me a blank stare. Ooh. I hit a nerve.
Good. He can talk the talk, but he can’t walk the walk. Standing up and facing my door, he looks over his shoulder. “Looks like we both have some shit to work through. Huh, brother?” He closes the door behind him. And, I light another bowl.

              I don’t know what day it is or what time it is. All I know is that time has passed. It could be days or hours.  That’s what happens when you spend your time smoking up. I muster up enough energy to take a shower and get something to eat. Then, I go back to my room and pack another bowl.

Just as I’m about to take a hit, Bree opens my door. “Hey. Want some company?”

“Where’s Josh? Shouldn’t you be hanging out with him? Or is he getting fucked up too?” I don’t mean to be nasty. It is another side effect of me binge smoking.

Bree is not sure how to answer. She’s still in the doorway contemplating what to do. I can see her eyes shifting back and forth. She settles on the truth because it’s an easy answer. “He’s working. He is getting another band ready for debut tomorrow night. It will be another late night for him.”

God bless, Bree and her sugar coated explanations. Josh is stuck with making the arrangements to debut the band. Usually, we split the responsibility and work together. But, now I can’t seem to get my ass out of bed. I remain silent because there’s not much I can say about that. I let Dance In the Sky by Ours for the Taking absorb the silence.

Bree plops down in the beanbag next to my bed. I didn’t invite her in, yet here she is. I really don’t want company. So, I decide I’m going to scare her away by lighting the bowl. I expect her to leave, but she doesn’t. She watches me take the hit and hold it. Finally, I blow the smoke out. She’s still not budging. “Is there something I can do for you, Bree?”

“Why do you do it?” It’s an innocent question. I can tell she is trying to gain an understanding. “I mean…does it really help you?”

I laugh at her innocence. “If you have to ask me that, the
n you have never smoked before.”

Bree gives me a shy smirk, “Is it that obvious?”

I forget that Bree rudely interrupted what I was doing. Funny, I can’t remember exactly what I was doing before she came into the room. It doesn’t matter. The fact that she is here now, doesn’t bother me. I find her lack of marijuana education amusing. “Yup.”

“So, are you going to answer the question?”

“What question?” I ask. I don’t remember what she asked.

Clearly, Bree is annoyed. She doesn’t find my forgetfulness
entertaining. “Why do you do it?”

I take another hit. Bree watches me with an intensive stare. “I don’t know. Makes me forget, I guess.”

“That’s obvious.” She’s become a smart ass.

“It makes me numb. I don’t think about anything.” That’s about all I can offer the poor girl right
now.

“Don’t you get bored of sitting in here? You’re not doing anything but smoking and sleeping.” Bree doesn’t mean to offend me. She just doesn’t get it.

“Smoking makes the boring and mundane tolerable…and…enjoyable.” I’m trying to gauge her curiosity. In the meantime, I hit the pipe again. Bree watches me intently. I can’t tell if she is watching to gain information or if she genuinely wants to try it.

“How long do you forget for?” I see now that she is definitely contemplating trying it. She wants to forget. I start to get a little anxious. This isn’t the answer for Bree’s problems.

“You’re not trying it. Go back to Josh’s room.” I order.

“Give me one good reason why I can’t have a little. If you are doing it, then I can do it to
o.” Bree pouts trying to get her way.

She isn’t going to make this easy on me. She came in my room with the intent of getting high. “Josh. He’s reason number one. He will kick my ass knowing I got you high. Are you out of your mind?”

“No. It just doesn’t seem fair for Josh to get drunk whenever he can’t deal with something but I’m not allowed to take a hit.”

She’s got a point. Plus, she is an adult. Bree can make her own decisions. “Fine. I’ll let you try it. But, you’re not making it a habit. This is a one time thing, Bree.” Her eyes light up. The curiosity is seeping out of her skin. I put the pipe end up to her lips. “When I tell you to suck…well…suck. Hold the smoke in the back of your throat. Resist the urge to cough it out.” Bree nods, ready to try it. “We’re going to do it a couple of times. Okay?”

“Uh huh.” She’s nervous. It’s fine. It will all go away soon.

The process starts
just like I coached Bree. Her first hit is brutal. It looks like she is turning purple from holding the smoke in. The second and third hit go slightly better. The last hit is unremarkable, which means it’s starting to kick in. Bree’s much more relaxed. She sinks into the beanbag and leans her head to the side. Her eyes are bloodshot and sleepy.

I finish what’s left in the pipe and relax on my bed. Turning
on my side, I have a clear view of Bree. She’s zoned in on a poster stapled to my wall. I recognize the expression of the glazed over fascination to analyze the world around you. “How are you feeling, kiddo?”

Still centered on the poster, she begins to spout off
random thoughts of nothingness. And, I know she is high. It’s comical. “I’m in love with the poster. It’s like it was put there with a message just for me.”

I laugh at her. “Umm, I’m pretty sure that poster has been there for years.”

“Yeah, but it’s like it was a sign of what’s to be.” Yeah, Bree’s out there.

I go with it.
It’s a poster of Bob Marley. It says ‘You just can’t live in that negative way…make way for a positive day’. She rambles on about us making a change today. Meanwhile, she doesn’t make any attempt to get up out of the beanbag. Actually, she looks like she’s about to fall asleep. Part of me wishes she would. “We’re tired. Let’s just sleep.”

Bree yawns. “Yeah…okay.” She doesn’t fight the
stupor taking over. “Hey, Eric?”

I’m a little annoyed. This is why I don’t smoke with anyone. They talk too damn much. “Yeah?”

“She’s just scared, ya know.”

At first, I think she is talking about another poster in my room. I look over at the only poster where there is a
naked chick bending over a bench. The caption says ‘Come and Get It.’ I snicker to myself, “Heh. She doesn’t look scared to me.”