Cartography for Beginners (35 page)

Gabriel offered Stuart some cereal. Stuart pretended to eat it, then directed Gabriel's spoon back to the bowl. "That's all yours."

Amelie toddled into the room in her pajamas, looking sleepy and holding Stuart's phone. "Mama!" Gabriel cried with delight.

"Good morning, my darling," she cooed to Gabriel and bent to kiss him good morning. "It keeps beeping," she said as she gave the phone to Stuart.

"I'm sorry it woke you," Stuart said, frowning at it as he scrolled through the programs to see what was causing the noise. An email had arrived -- unusual when everyone knew he was at the chateau -- but then he saw it was from Leo. Leo wouldn't be stopped by the simple fact that Stuart would be out of contact for a month. "I usually turn the alerts off the night."

"It's all right. We needed to be up anyway. Oh, bless you!" she exclaimed when she saw the coffee. "I could get used to having you around."

As Amelie shuffled around the kitchen, pouring coffee and buttering brioche, Stuart rolled his thumb over the selection button. Leo had called him while he was driving, too, and left a message that hadn't seemed urgent enough to be followed by an email.

"Is everything okay?" Amelie said and Stuart shifted, inhaling.

"I think so." He opened the email, expecting a line or two about a new restaurant or a book he thought Stuart should read or any of Leo's usual email subjects.

Instead, it was something altogether different.

"Dear Stuart,

I miss you. It's weird. This is hardly the longest we've been apart, and I know we didn't part on the best of terms. I'm still not sure how that happened, exactly. Our friendship has never been defined by sex -- if anything, sex made it bigger and richer and deeper, ocean-like, grand.

You and I, we don't have to be grand if we don't want to be. Neither of us is out to conquer the world. Sometimes I see us as old men in rocking chairs sharing a front porch. Does your chateau have a front porch? My childhood home had one. It was a very old house, and a very deep porch. We should go there someday and I'll show you where I grew up.

I want to show you so many things. I want to teach you things and take you places. There are still movies to see and plays, and I love the expression you get when I put a new album on for you to hear. I know you hate my taste in music but I think I could teach you to appreciate the modern sound. I think we have so much to teach other still. I know there's so much I have to learn from you. You know what I want to do? I want to see the Louvre with you. I know that's a cliché but I like clichés sometimes, like kissing on top of Eiffel Tower which Micah tells me is a terrible cliché but is still fun to do.

I could make a list of places I want to kiss you. I'll start with your face and end with your toes, and by the time I'm done there'll be nowhere left on your body that I haven't kissed.

There's a song about that. I'll play it for you. You might even like it.

The point is, I miss you. I want to see you and I want to talk to you and I want to touch you. I want to sleep with you and wake up with you. I love waking up with you. Seeing your face first thing in the morning gives me more joy than anyone I've ever known.

I have a lot more to say. I'll say it when I see you in August. Until then, I hope you believe we are still the friends we've always been. I can't imagine my life without you in it.

Leo."

Stuart covered his mouth and read the email again. He looked up, startled, when Amelie laid a hand on his shoulder. "Bad news?"

"No. I think it's good news. It's from Leo."

"That is good news. What does he have to say?"

"He misses me."

Amelie sat at the other side of the table and Gabriel leaned his head against her arm. "Tired already, my baby?" she said tenderly and he nodded, eyelids drooping, the little spoon loose in his fingers. "You were awake early today." She said to Stuart, "Does this surprise you? The two of you are close, no matter what else may happen between you."

"I didn't expect something like this. It's... beautiful." He paused to read it again, as Amelie took away Gabriel's bowl and cup to rinse them and put them in the washer. "Do you know a song about kissing someone until there isn't anywhere they haven't kissed?"

"Hm," she said, face screwing up a moment while she thought. "I can think of one that says something like that. It's called 'Cannonball' by a fellow named Damien Rice. He did that one, 'The Blower's Daughter', that was so popular a few years ago."

'I don't remember it, but I don't listen to much popular music. Leo would know it."

Amelie hugged him from behind and kissed his cheek. He leaned his head against hers. "Are you going to write him back?"

"I have no idea what to say."

"Tell him what you told me, that it's beautiful, and then go on from there."

"I don't know where to go from there. I already-- and he didn't say it back--"

"You are like Nicole," Amelie said with a laugh. "She dithers about her boyfriends, too."

"He's not my boyfriend."

Amelie rested her chin on his shoulder. "I would say he wants to be."

"If life were perfect, maybe."

"Oh, Stuart," she said and let him go. She gathered up the sleeping Gabriel from his chair. "I'm putting him back to bed. If you want help with your email, I have many ideas."

"I think I can manage on my own," Stuart said. When they were out of sight, he sighed and turned back to his phone. He no longer had the excuse that he didn't get the internet at the chateau -- his phone received email everywhere he went. Most of the time this annoyed him -- he'd turn on his phone once a day, answer everything as quickly as he could while reminding his contacts he was on holiday, and then turn it off again -- but on this holiday it might finally be useful. He wanted the response as quickly as possible if Leo wrote him back.

"Dearest Leo,

My chateau does not have a front porch. Instead it has a central courtyard between the new house and the guest house, where there grows an olive tree that is older than the house itself. Beneath that tree is a wood bench, and when breezes come down the hill that bench is a perfect place to catch them.

I want to kiss you there.

I don't know if we're grand. I don't know if we'll grow old together. I don't even know if we'll ever even like the same music. (My daughter tells me the song you referenced is called "Cannonball." It's an odd title for a love song.) But I do know that I want to wake up beside you. I want to kiss you on the Eiffel Tower and take you through the Louvre. And I know I want to kiss you in my childhood home, my holiday home, the only place I truly call home except when I'm with you.

I want to be a cliché with you.

The trouble is, I meant what I said, Leo. If you don't feel that, if you can't return that, then no amount of kisses will compensate.

Yours,

Stuart."

He sent the email and let out a deep breath. He'd planned to leave for the chateau before ten, but now he wanted to dawdle in case Leo wasn't sleeping yet and answered him.

***

Leo wasn't sleeping. He tried -- lights off, pajamas on, lying in bed, a New Age album playing to soothe him to sleep, but it wasn't working. He thought about taking a pill, but he'd be up in a few hours and taking a pill now would leave him groggy all day.

He got up, scrubbed a hand through his hair, and went back to his computer in the living room. Maybe Jamie had sent him more pictures of wherever they were now -- Vienna, if he remembered correctly -- or maybe some of the music blogs he followed had updated and he had something to read.

There was an email waiting in his email program. Leo let out his breath and clicked on it.

Stuart. Stuart had written him back already.

Leo opened the email and read it, smiling at the description of the chateau, laughing that Stuart had identified the song correctly, and then frowning at the final paragraph.

It had been sent only minutes before. Stuart must be awake for the day already, so even though Leo was tired and knew he would be extra rambly as a result, he picked up the phone and dialed Stuart's cell phone.

It only rang twice before he heard the familiar, "Stuart Huntsman."

"I got your email," said Leo.

"I got yours," Stuart replied.

"I figured, since you answered it. Can we talk? I think we need to talk."

"I'm listening," Stuart said.

Leo said, "Last night I was with Adam. I wanted him so much, I wanted him like I used to, but he doesn't want me that way anymore."

He heard Stuart slowly breathe out. "All right."

"That's why I sent that email," Leo said. "He made me miss you. You and me, we never slept together out of boredom or to prove we could or to establish control over each other. We just wanted each other. I wanted you and you wanted me and we were happy."

"Yes," Stuart admitted in a whisper. "I was happy with you."

"You told me to come home and find somebody who deserves me," Leo said, "but I think I left him behind. If I deserve anybody, it's you." He inhaled. "And I need you to tell me what I can do to prove it."

Stuart was silent for a long time. "Love me, Leo," he said at last. "That's all." It was Leo's turn to be silent, and finally Stuart sighed and said, with muffled noises that Leo assumed meant he was rubbing his forehead in frustration, "I've been in love like this once before. You know that story. He changed me more than a boy half my age should have, but that's love for you. It should shake you to your bones. I don't want to make the same mistakes I did before, and if that means not letting go any further, then so be it. I'm not going to demand anything from you, but if you can't love me back then leave me in peace so I can get over you."

Leo wanted to say
But I want you, isn't that enough?
but he knew it wasn't. They both wanted the same thing, to be loved, but Stuart was right. One-sided love wasn't worth having, and whatever Leo felt for him, it didn't feel like any kind of love he'd felt before. He didn't know what it was. Desire, longing, warmth, friendship -- it all added up to something, but he wasn't sure that something was love.

"Leo?"

"I'm coming to the wedding," Leo said. "Will you give me until then? When we see each other again we can figure this out."

"Very well," Stuart said wearily. "You have until the wedding. If you don't know your heart by then I suppose you never will." He paused. "Ben and Jamie think I should fight for you."

"They do?"

"I was surprised, too. I'm not sure how I would go about doing that, though. I feel like an old soldier, nothing but rusty armor and aching wounds."

"You're a hot old soldier, if that's the case," Leo said and Stuart chuckled. "We were planning to rent a car and stay in the village hotel--"

"No," Stuart said. "There's enough room for you all at the chateau and I don't mind picking you up at the airport."

"Are you sure? I don't want you to feel pressured."

"I won't feel pressured." They were quiet a moment. "I do want to see you, you know."

"Good, because I want to see you too." They were quiet a moment more. "I need to get some sleep. I just wanted to talk to you."

"I am glad you called. I miss you too."

"Have a good holiday, Stuart," Leo said. "I'll see you in a few weeks."

"Sleep well, Leo," Stuart said and hung up.

Leo hung up the phone and turned off the computer, and went back to bed. He wanted to talk to Dune or Frances, but mostly he wanted to slide into bed and find Stuart already there.

***

The summer dragged on. There was work to do, of course -- there were concerts to promote and bands to interview, publicity to arrange and attend, albums to listen to and songs to approve. Leo looked after Dune and Micah as much as they let him, and Jamie and Ben kept in touch all summer long with new pictures and stories from their European adventure. He kept in touch with David, who was back from England by the end of July and then off again to Vancouver to shoot another movie; and with Jack, who grieved the loss of Malcolm by throwing himself into directing their summer play,
A Midsummer Night's Dream
.

Adam called Leo a few times, but Leo kept their conversation strictly to about Dune and their friends, and if Adam tried to steer it another way -- if he said "I want you" -- Leo said, "I'm hanging up now," and did. He wondered if he should tell Raphael, but supposed if the young man was half as in love as he seemed then he would only dismiss it as jealousy.

He missed Stuart. He thought about Stuart constantly, and the drafts folder of his email program was full of unsent letters. But he didn't sign any of them "love," and he wondered if Stuart would believe him if he did.

He wrote long letters to himself, too, about what he wanted from a lover, whether Stuart was that lover. When he talked to Frances about it she said, "Listen to your heart, Leo," and he said, "I don't know if I should. It's steered me wrong before."

The day before they were to leave for France, Leo was cooking dinner for the three of them when Dune lounged in the kitchen doorway and said, "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"What? Travel to another continent to attend the wedding of two people I barely know?" He smiled at Dune. "Strangely enough, yes."

"If you're doing all of this for Stuart--"

"Yes, I am doing this for Stuart. I know you don't think he's the one for me and to be honest, right now I don't know if he is either, but I have to find out. I have to give this a chance, Dunie."

Dune got a spoon and tasted the rice dish Leo was working on. "And if you decide he's not the one for you?"

"I'm increasingly okay with the thought of being alone instead of being with the wrong person."

"You won't be alone," Dune said. "Not for long."

"You're not going to start a campaign of finding me a young stud again, are you? Because I don't want that." He said thoughtfully, spooning stock over chicken breasts, "I've been thinking about it, you know, what I want. I don't want love to be safe. Can you really love someone who doesn't have the potential to break your heart?"