Cartography for Beginners (31 page)

He took her hand and kissed the back. "Joelle. You look amazing."

"You haven't aged a day."

"I have," he said, unable to let go of her hand yet. "I've aged many days. I'm so glad you came."

Joelle gently took her hand from his, looking disbelieving. "You remember Jean-Claude."

"Of course I do," Stuart said and held out his hand to his son. "Jean-Claude. I can't say how happy I am to see you."

Jean-Claude ignored Stuart's hand and said formally, "Mr. Huntsman."

Stuart pulled his hand back. "Please call me Stuart."

"We all do," Tallis told Jean-Claude. He bent his head to whisper in her ear, his eye on Stuart, and she murmured something in reply and patted his arm. "I'll introduce Jean-Claude to Jamie," she said and pulled him away.

Stuart exhaled and wondered if anything more could happen today that didn't leave him shaken.

Leo said, "How about I show you around, ladies?" and offered his arms to the girls. He gave Stuart a significant look before he led them away.

Stuart said to Joelle, "I think they want us to talk. Would you like to go someplace private, or to the garden?"

"I'm fine here. I want to see the pictures." She walked to the angel portrait, which had a crowd in front already. Stuart stood beside her, his hands behind his back. "What a handsome model," Joelle said softly.

"He's here. His name is Ben."

Joelle glanced at Stuart. Nicole had her cheekbones, too. "I've imagined seeing you again so many times," she said in French. "I've imagined what I would say, and now I find I don't want to say any of it. I don't know what I want to say."

"I've missed you," Stuart replied, speaking French too. "And the children. I hadn't realized until I saw them."

"You're surprisingly sentimental."

"I blame middle age." They smiled at each other painfully. "I want to come to the wedding, Joelle. I want to meet our grandchild."

Joelle inhaled. "Amelie has made it clear she wants Gabriel to know you." She turned to Stuart. "But I don't want you to meet that child, make him love you, and then leave him."

"I won't, Joelle."

"How do you know?" she said, loud enough to make all talk around them stop even though she was still speaking in French. "You are a master at breaking hearts. I won't have you do that to Gabriel."

"I won't, Joelle," Stuart repeated quietly. "I know I can't prove it but I need you to believe me. I have missed them so much," he said as he watched the girls walk with Leo around the gallery. "And I want to see him so badly."

Joelle didn't respond for a moment, instead watching the girls too -- or so Stuart thought until she said, "Who is he? The American?"

"His name is Leo Bellamy. He's..." Stuart took a deep breath. "A very dear friend."

Joelle watched Leo for a bit longer. "It was humiliating," she said, "realizing the man I loved would never be completely satisfied with me."

"I did love you, Joelle."

She made a derisive noise. "Your love is toxic. And that poor man that you watch so hungrily, does he know how you desire him?"

"No," Stuart whispered. "He's going home tomorrow."

"It's too late for you to love your children the way you should, but if you can love Gabriel as a grandfather, perhaps there's hope for you yet." She crossed the gallery to join her daughters, and she smiled graciously as Amelie introduced her to Leo.

Stuart stood there a moment, feeling like Joelle had pummeled him with her delicate fists, and then turned and left the gallery for his office. He needed to be alone so he could recover.

He sat at his desk, his head in his hands and his thoughts growing darker and darker, when there was a quiet knock at the door. He breathed in and said, as calmly as he could, "Come," and the door opened for Leo to peek in.

"Hey," Leo said and his smile faded. "What happened?"

Stuart tried to smile. "It could have been worse."

"But not by much," guessed Leo and came to him. He sat on Stuart's knee and kissed him, and as much as Stuart knew he should push Leo away he only wrapped his arms around Leo's waist and clung to him, aching for the comfort only Leo could give.

"I know I've made mistakes," he said into Leo's shirt. "I know I could have been a better father, a better lover, a better everything. But no one will let me forget, no one will let me move on -- why am I always the villain, Leo?"

"You're not," Leo said, his fingers gentle in Stuart's hair. "You're not the villain. You're the antihero." Stuart huffed, and Leo said, "You don't need defeat or even reform -- at most, you need redemption."

"Redemption," Stuart said. "I need saving from myself, you mean."

"Maybe," Leo said. "Your pride gets in your way a lot." Stuart turned his head away, and Leo said, "But that's why people have friends, Stuart. To tell them when they're being stupid."

"Am I being stupid right now?"

"No," said Leo. "You're being a lot more human than I usually see you, though." He got a wicked gleam in his eye. "I know what will make you feel better," he murmured with a kiss, and then slid off Stuart's lap to kneel on the floor.

Stuart tilted back his head, body coiling in anticipation, and then put his hand on Leo's shoulder. "Stop."

Leo looked up, his hands stilling. "Seriously? You're turning down a blowjob?"

"I'm not in the mood."

"Wow," said Leo and sat back on his heels. "You
are
upset." He gazed at Stuart a moment more, and then climbed back into his lap and held him, kissing his face and stroking his hair, until Stuart could face his guests again.

***

After Jamie unveiled his mural -- a loving landscape of London at night, as joyful and lively as any other of his cityscapes -- after all the food was eaten and the champagne had been drunk, after the jazz musicians accepted their fee and a generous tip, after the maintenance staff had begun to sweep the gallery, Leo hugged the boys good night and sought out Stuart.

He found Stuart in the foyer with his hands behind his back, deep in thought. Leo went to him and put an arm around his waist. "All in all, I'd say that was a success."

"Hm? Oh, yes. Jamie made a good impression. I'd expect nothing less." Stuart paused. "Where are the boys?"

"Crawling pubs in triumph. I warned Dunie and Micah that if they're hung over for the flight home I will point and laugh." He hitched Stuart closer. Stuart leaned against him with a sigh.

"Did you talk to Joelle at all?"

"Only small talk. My French is nonexistent. Why?"

"I wondered what she said to you about me."

Leo rubbed a circle into Stuart's back. "She wanted to know when and how we met and if I'm an artist too. Things like that." He leaned his forehead against Stuart's temple. "She didn't say you're evil incarnate, if that's what you were afraid of."

Stuart chuckled wryly. "I wasn't, but thank you anyway."

"I like her. She's intelligent and charming, and she loves the kids a lot." He kissed Stuart's ear. "Are you okay? Do you want to go home or hit the town with the boys?"

"I don't want to go out," said Stuart. "Let's go home. I want you to take me to bed."

"Yeah, of course," said Leo and pressed his lips to Stuart's in a brief kiss. Stuart still had that stunned look in his eyes that he'd had since Joelle and Jean-Claude had walked into the gallery, but Leo figured he knew how to take care of that.

The house was empty and dark when they arrived. The moment the door was closed Stuart grabbed Leo by the shoulders and kissed him desperately, and Leo responded with enthusiasm, tugging off Stuart's ridiculously beautiful clothes as they kissed their way up the stairs.

It's amazing,
Leo thought as he looked down at Stuart's naked body on the bed,
how someone could come into your life and you'd have no hint that they'd come to mean so much to you.
He'd fallen in love with Adam at first sight -- handsome, intense, so sharp and intelligent that Leo had wanted to sit at his feet and absorb everything Adam had to offer -- but Stuart had crept in, a stranger in need of welcome until he was a friend, someone Leo was glad to have in his home.

And now this. The boys, no doubt, thought they were no more than fuck buddies but Leo knew it was more than that. If he'd wanted someone to sleep with he could have had Rupert, he could have had David -- instead he wanted Stuart, with all his pride and moodiness and reserve, because he was also generous and poetic and beautiful in ways no one else Leo knew could be.

But then Stuart was kissing him, touching him, in ways that robbed him of coherent thought and he put it all away for later, when Stuart's mouth wasn't sucking on his neck and Stuart's hands weren't mapping his skin.

"Fuck me," Stuart whispered and Leo shuddered deeply. "I need it, Leo, I need you."

Leo kissed Stuart, cradling his head in his palm, and said, "Anything you want. Anything." It was overwhelming, knowing this powerful, strong body was his to touch as he liked, to take and please.

He watched Stuart's face in fascination as he prepared him, feeling every twitch and clench, until Stuart said, "I'm ready, are you always this careful?"

Leo answered, smiling against his mouth, "Only when I care."

He entered Stuart slowly, aware that this wasn't something Stuart often did, watching Stuart's face change from a grimace of pain to relaxing with pleasure -- and then Leo let himself go, thrusting fast and deep. Stuart often closed his eyes when they had sex but this time he kept them open, dark and steely blue, focused on Leo's with an intensity that made Leo shiver, and they stayed open until Leo wrapped a slick hand around his cock. His lips parted and Leo kissed them, and his hands clutched Leo's back and his legs trembled, and he buried his face in Leo's chest and choked out, "I love you!" as his come coated Leo's hand.

Leo almost stopped then because
what?
but the clench of Stuart's flesh around him was too much and he came, shuddering and gasping, to a rest against Stuart's body.

Stuart swallowed hard and kept his eyes closed as Leo gently kissed him and pulled away. Leo caressed his cheek a moment, concerned, and then got up to get rid of the condom. When he got back to bed Stuart had turned onto his side, his back to Leo, so Leo spooned against him and held him loosely around the waist.

"It's all right," he said and kissed Stuart's ear. "We all say things we don't mean when we're coming. God knows I've babbled some nonsense in my time." He stroked Stuart's chest. "Are you okay? You've been so weird all day."

"I'm fine," Stuart said. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know, I'm sure." He kissed Stuart's shoulder. "But, hey, look at it this way: the opening was a success, your kids are still talking to you, and tomorrow I'll be out of your hair." He rested his cheek against Stuart's. "Are you going to miss me?"

The silence was long before Stuart answered with a terse, "Yes."

Leo smiled. "So am I. At least we'll see each other in August, right?"

"Leo," Stuart said, "I would prefer you didn't come to the wedding. In fact I think you and I shouldn't see each other for a while."

Leo lay still, frowning. "Why?"

Stuart pulled from Leo's arms and sat up. His face was solemn. "Because unfortunately I did mean it. I am in love with you, and you can't even take me seriously. Why would you, after all? It's only me. I'm not someone you could love."

"Stuart, I--"

"As everyone delights in reminding me, I'm not good enough for you. I'm not good enough to be loved at all, it would seem. It's all right. I brought it upon myself. Too many mistakes." His gaze had drifted off, but now he looked at Leo again. "It's a good thing you're going home tomorrow. You can find someone you deserve. Someone who'll never hurt you, someone who'll make you happy. Someone safe."

"Stuart, I don't know what to say."

"Sleep in your own bed tonight," Stuart replied and lay down again, his back to Leo.

Leo sat there for a moment, stunned, and then got up and gathered his clothes. At the door he paused. "'May you get what you deserve' is the cruelest thing I've ever heard you say."

"Good night, Leo," Stuart replied, utterly calm.

"I do care about you."

"I said good night."

"Good night," Leo replied softly and went to his own room.

***

"Never again," said Dune the next morning in the airport as they waited for their flight to board. Micah was curled against his side in the hard plastic seat with Dune's sunglasses perched on his nose. "No more pub crawls. Never, ever again."

"I warned you," Leo said without heat. Micah made a complaining grumble, and Dune chuckled and patted his cheek.

"Poor wee Micah, trying to keep up with the rest of us."

"I'm not wee," Micah mumbled. "I'm pocket-sized."

"I want some water," Dune decided. "Do you want some, babe? Dad?"

"Yes," Micah said. "Or a bloody Mary. Or a new head."

"I'll come with you," said Leo. "I doubt the duty-free store sells new heads, but you never know."

Dune kissed Micah's head, and he and Leo ambled from the lounge to the shops. "Okay," Dune said as they walked. "What's up with you and Stuart now? Did you have a fight or something?"

Leo exhaled, his hands in his back pockets. Stuart had seen them off, had hugged Micah and shaken Dune's hand, but had barely given a polite nod to Leo. Leo supposed he shouldn't be surprised, though he was still confused about what exactly Stuart was upset about. Stuart in love with him? It was absurd. "Or something," he told Dune. "Last night we had sex, and during it Stuart said he loved me and I thought it was, you know, orgasm talk. Then after he told me we shouldn't see each other for a while and he wants me to find someone safe."

Dune whistled. "Wow."

"I know." He sighed. "Remember the days when I was uncomfortable talking to you about sex?"

"Not really," said Dune. "You were always pretty open about that. The Moms, too. So do you think he meant it? Do you think he loves you?"

"I don't know," Leo said. "Stuart doesn't say things he doesn't mean, generally, but -- I mean, in love with me? If I were thirty years younger and an artist, then it might make sense. I'd be his type."