Cartography for Beginners (29 page)

That was what this all came down to, didn't it? Whether they could forgive the mistakes of his past and let him in again, or if they would shut him out as he had them.

He wasn't sure he deserved their forgiveness, or this second chance they were so-carefully offering. What stunned him was how much he'd missed them, as if their absence was a low-level murmur in his life, constantly playing, something to which he had grown accustomed out of necessity; and now here they were, no longer in the background, real and lovely, with lives of their own that he was still learning about, so beautiful it took his breath away.

Stuart looked up as Leo came out of the kitchen. "Clean-up's done," Leo said cheerfully and perched on the arm of the chair.

"Did the boys leave you to do it all on your own?"

"I helped Glenys. It's only fair, since Ben did most of the cooking. I need to cook sometime on this trip," he added contemplatively. "Everyone else has taken over cooking duties. Maybe tomorrow I'll make you breakfast." Stuart wrapped his arms around Leo and buried his face in Leo's shirt. "Stuart?" Leo said as he touched Stuart's hair. "What's wrong?"

You,
Stuart thought,
me us, everything.
"Nothing," he mumbled.

Tilting his face up, Leo kissed him, soft and sweet, hands framing Stuart's face. Tender and affectionate, that was Leo, and Stuart thought he would have believed it meant more than friendship if he hadn't seen Leo kiss Frances and Ocean and so many other people like this a dozen times.

Leo defended him because he was a good friend. Leo looked after him because he looked after everyone who crossed his path. Leo slept with him because he wanted something he was already accustomed to, a known body, familiar skin.

"Stuart?" Leo said again, worried and tender, and Stuart managed a smile as he made up his mind.

"Nothing," he said again. Why not be Leo's lover in the time they had? Soon enough Leo would go home and find someone who truly suited him, someone to grow old with, who would never hurt him -- but meantime, he was Stuart's. "Nothing's wrong. Sleep with me tonight?"

"Yes," Leo said, "absolutely, yes," and they kissed, no longer sweet, before moving upstairs.

Chapter Seventeen

By the end of the week, Stuart had to admit that he was thoroughly addicted to Leo. Now that they were no longer trying to hide their relationship from the boys, Leo felt free to show affection whenever he wanted, and he wanted a lot -- arms around Stuart's waist when he was cooking, fingers woven between Stuart's as they ate or walked, body curled around Stuart's as they lay in bed. He liked to brush Stuart's hair back from his face as they talked, or let their ankles cross as they sat next to each other in a theater.

And the sex -- oh, the sex was fantastic. Leo's long, slender body was as much a temptation as a man's half his age, as flexible and responsive, and Leo denied him nothing.

Thursday night, Stuart lay awake, watching Leo sleep, and wondered what the hell he was going to do. Micah, Dune and Leo were going back to California on Saturday, while Ben and Jamie planned to stay in Europe for the rest of the summer. There were more restaurants that Ben wanted to try, he had a baking competition in Switzerland in July, and then they were taking an actual vacation before they had to be in Paris in August to prepare for Jamie's exhibition at Stuart's gallery there.

Stuart wanted to ask Leo to stay with him until August. It was only another six weeks -- surely his work could spare him for a bit longer, surely Dune would be all right with Micah to look after him. Only he knew that it was a ridiculous thing to ask. Leo already got daily emails from the radio station about this decision or that, and Dune, while he seemed to be happily creating something in his new journal, still turned to Leo for comfort and reassurance when he felt low. Leo wouldn't stay unless Dune stayed, Dune wouldn't stay without Micah, and Micah needed to get back to his job.

They all planned to return to France to attend Tallis and Jean-Claude's wedding, now that Tallis had invited them, but it was a long time to wait to see Leo again. And who knew what could happen in six weeks. Leo could meet someone new as soon as he arrived home and forget all about his friend in England.

Stuart pushed his fingers into Leo's thick black hair, loving the way it curled around his fingers. When they were awake Stuart returned Leo's gestures of affection willingly, but still felt strange about making any of his own. When Leo was asleep he could be as tender as he wanted -- and he wanted, he realized, he wanted to cuddle and comfort Leo, wanted to touch him and indulge him and keep him.

Leo would never stay. He'd be right not to.

Stuart sighed and moved onto his back, and then smiled when Leo snuggled against his side. He wound an arm around Leo and pressed his mouth to Leo's hair.

***

Jamie had been working on his mural all week, leaving early and coming home late to have it finished on time. The boys brought him food because he would forget to eat, and more than once Stuart went into the gallery to remove him physically so he could get some sleep.

Jamie looked exhausted but satisfied at breakfast Friday morning, and nodded when Stuart said, "Are you ready for tonight?"

"I'm ready. Are you?"

"Of course," Stuart said. "We have everything in place -- musicians, caterers, donors, critics who have agreed to come, and every sculpture and painting is in place or will be by the time we open tonight. We're ready." He glanced at Ben and added, "Your life may be a bit different tomorrow."

"I doubt that," said Jamie. "A few sales or commissions would be brilliant, but I'm not going to become a household name overnight. Nor do I want to," he added pointedly.

"Still," said Stuart. "It's best to be prepared."

"I'll be perfectly happy if I get a favorable write-up in the arts section of the
Times
. Even if I become some kind of overnight sensation, it's not going to change how I live." Leo joined them at the table then, and Jamie said, "Aren't I right, Leo?"

"Of course you are," said Leo as he spread his napkin over his lap. "What are you right about?"

"Fame not changing him," said Ben.

"Fame won't change you." Leo helped himself to some toast. "You've got both feet on the ground."

"If I ever say 'Don't you know who I am?' you all have permission to slap me across the face," Jamie said.

Stuart chuckled and glanced at Leo. Leo was also smiling, and when their eyes met over the table Leo's smile grew tender.

"Should I come by for lunch again today?" Leo said.

"I'd love it," said Stuart.

It affected his concentration terribly, though. He'd been bilingual since he was a child but still had to stop and think of the correct French on the phone because his mind kept wandering to Leo, his lips, his hands, the grimace of pleasure that crossed his face when Stuart entered him, the taste of his come in Stuart's mouth.

"Pardon me," he said to his caller when she said his name for the second time. "I don't have my mind on business today."

When it was finally noon and Deborah knocked on the door to tell him Leo had arrived, Stuart gladly put his computer to sleep and rose to meet him with a soft, "Leo," and a hearty kiss.

Leo laughed when they parted. "You're going to miss me when I go home, aren't you?"

"Terribly," Stuart admitted. "I've got rather used to you."

"Oh, rather," said Leo, imitating his accent and still smiling. "Come on, let's go eat. You look like a man who needs some nourishment."

Stuart kissed him again, and left his cheek pressed against Leo's for a moment. His jaw was still smooth, and Stuart found himself wishing that it was later so that he could mark his face with Leo's stubble.

"Worried about tonight?" Leo said once they were in a café down the street from the gallery, their orders given. They had chosen a table outside, and Leo watched the passers-by with interest.

"Certainly not," Stuart said. "Jamie's talent speaks for itself."

"I mean about the girls coming. They're still coming, aren't they?"

"They haven't told me otherwise."

"And maybe even Jean-Claude. That's got to be exciting, seeing your son for the first time in twenty-five years."

Stuart picked up his coffee cup for a fortifying sip. "That is more complicated."

"He's going to love you."

"I wish I had your faith."

"You do," Leo said. "You have anything of mine you want."

"Don't say things like that."

"Why not?"

"Because," Stuart said, exasperated, "it makes us sound like lovers."

"We are lovers."

"You're going home tomorrow," Stuart said. "You're going back to your life and I have to go back to mine."

"We've managed to keep a friendship going for four years with visits and phone calls," said Leo. "All we have to do is add phone sex and visit each other more often -- and now that I've conquered world travel I have no problem with coming to London more often. Or wherever." He leaned over the table. "Let's go wherever, Stuart. Choose a coordinate on a map and let's go."

Stuart looked at him fondly, but still shook his head. "You can't leave your life behind any more than I can leave mine."

"We'd come back," Leo pointed out.

"Do you believe you could leave Dune for any length of time?" Stuart said.

"Dune's a grown man."

"Yet you have a terrible time letting him out of your sight. Metaphorically," he added when Leo began to protest.

"He was traumatized. Of course he needs a place to feel safe."

"He has Micah," said Stuart. "He has Frances. He has all those friends who come to his parties. He even has Adam if he'd forgive him. Yet he always, always turns to you."

Leo sighed. "Are we fighting? I don't want to fight. I want to make plans."

"I don't want to fight either," Stuart muttered. "But I don't know if we should make plans we're never going to keep."

Leo was quiet a moment, and then gave a shaky laugh. "Well, that's blunt. When have we ever made plans we haven't kept? For God's sake, Stuart, sleeping together doesn't negate everything else we are to each other."

Stuart's tone was more challenging than he intended. "And what are we to each other?"

"Friends," Leo said and Stuart looked away. Leo leaned forward. "Stuart. Look at me." Stuart did so and Leo smiled -- a beautiful, heartbreaking smile, full of affection. "What's wrong? Aren't you happy? I've been happy -- happier than I've been for a long time. This has been an amazing week and all because of you."

"Your holiday romance," Stuart said. "What do the boys call it? Your rebound guy."

Leo was still smiling. "I call it taking our relationship to the next level. Now tell me what's wrong." He took Stuart's hand over the table and ran his thumb over the back.

Stuart closed his eyes a moment, loving the warm, gentle touch. "I am happy," he said. "Except for those moments when I remember that you're going home tomorrow and it's going to be a long time before I see you again."

"Webcams," Leo said.

"I want to ask you to stay with me," said Stuart, and as he thought, that made the smile disappear from Leo's face. "But why would you? You don't need anything that I have or that I am. I can't offer you a home, you don't need me to be a mentor -- why are you even with me?" he said, genuinely wondering.

Leo said slowly, "Because I like you and enjoy your company. Stuart--" He rubbed his nose, frowning. "I don't understand this at all."

"If I asked you to stay with me, would you stay?"

"No," Leo began.

"There. You see. You didn't even hesitate. You knew your answer. You wouldn't stay."

"I want to visit," Leo said. "I love this city and I haven't seen enough of it yet. Maybe when I'm ready to retire like Frannie I'll consider moving here, but I'm not at that point yet. Where did this come from?" Stuart ran his thumb over the outside of the coffee cup, silent, and Leo said, "Is this about your children?"

"This is not about my children."

Leo watched him, and then said gently, "Is this about Jamie?"

Stuart sighed. "Why would this be about Jamie?"

"I know you loved him. I know he loved you. I know he was devastated when things went south for you. I've wondered if you haven't gotten over him yet."

"I am over Jamie," Stuart said. "I am not pining for him. I'm not looking for a replacement. I want you to stay with me and I know you won't. You have a life in California."

"We've barely been together for two weeks," Leo said. "It's way too soon to talk about moving in together. Are you sure this isn't some kind of midlife crisis thing? You've been sleeping with boys half your age for so long that when you feel your mortality the first thing you cling to is someone your own age?"

"I am not having a midlife crisis," Stuart said. "I-- I--" He sighed, exasperated.

Leo said softly, "You're lonely."

"Everyone's lonely."

"Come see me more often," Leo said, "and I'll come see you, and you won't be lonely anymore. You'll have me."

"I don't have you," Stuart said. "That's my point. I don't have you. Not really. Sure, the sex is great and you're lovely company--"

"When we're not arguing."

"--but you're not mine."

"And I can only be yours if I want something from you? That's twisted."

Stuart said, "As our young friends are so fond of pointing out, I'm a twisted individual with a missing moral center and a great many character defects. Don't worry about it. Maybe I am having a midlife crisis, and since I already fuck young men and drive a phallic symbol, the next logical step is to throw myself into a questionable relationship or take up bungee-jumping. Perhaps I should look into bungee-jumping."

Leo looked at him sadly.

"Eat," Stuart said, gesturing to Leo's plate. "I need to get back to work."

Leo picked up his fork. "This is what you do, isn't it?" he said. "You hurt people so they want to leave you, and then when they do leave, you get to tell yourself how right you were." He ate, eyes contemplative. "Cold comfort as it is."