Cartography for Beginners (32 page)

They stopped in a sundries shop and Dune opened a cooler to take out three bottles of water. "I'm increasingly convinced having a 'type' is an excuse," he said. "Like, it's an easy way to avoid something real. Micah's not my type, for instance, but what that means he's not like anybody I dated before him. But there's nobody in the world I find hotter or more fun to be with or that suits me better, even if he is a nerd and a spaz and more like a cocker spaniel than a person sometimes." He put the bottles on the counter and smiled at the clerk as he got out his wallet. "The last of my euros," he said with a sigh.

"Save some," Leo said. "We'll be back." He waited until they were walking back to go on. "But Stuart wants someone he can, you know, mold. He wants to be a mentor to his lovers."

"Or he wants to be a mentor in general. Did Micah ever tell you that Stuart offered him a job in London last year? Or Paris, if that's where Micah wanted to be."

"No, he didn't."

"I can't imagine what my life would be like if Micah had taken him up on it," said Dune thoughtfully. "Or his, for that matter. But my point is, he did ask you to stay."

"And then turned me down in the next breath." Leo took one of the bottles and unscrewed the cap to have a long pull.

"Because he knew you wouldn't," Dune said. "You don't want him, do you, Dad? Because if you did, you'd stay. It's pretty simple."

"I suppose so," Leo said. "I'm still going to the wedding, no matter what Stuart says. I like Tallis a lot and I want to see France."

Dune chuckled. "Of course you like Tallis. You like everybody."

"I'm sure that's not true. I don't care for your father's new boyfriend particularly."

"No one blames you for that." They had reached Micah, and Dune offered him one of the bottles. "Here you go, baby."

"Thank you, Dunie," Micah said and took off the sunglasses to give Dune a kiss.

"Speaking of," said Dune in a cautious tone as he sat down again. "I got some emails from Adam this week."

"Oh," said Leo neutrally. "How's he?"

"He's good. The new book's doing okay, and Raphael's apparently in a PhD program and working hard on his thesis." He had a drink of water. "He said he wants to see you when we get home."

"Why?"

"Because he misses you, I'd say."

Leo played with the bottle, aware that Micah was listening, wide-eyed. "I don't miss him."

"Liar," Dune said gently. "This whole trip was meant to help you move on, but I don't think you've moved on at all. Stuart is exactly like Adam, only British and blond. You exchanged one guy who didn't deserve you for another."

"Crossing the line, Dune," said Leo and rubbed his forehead.

"It's how I see it, Dad."

Micah said slowly, "I don't think anybody gets who they deserve. I mean, isn't that why people call their partner their better half? The person you love should make you a better person. If they drag you down, you shouldn't stay." Both Dune and Leo looked at him, and he shrugged, smiling uncomfortably. "I mean, that's what I think."

"Do you think I can find someone like that, Micah?" Leo said.

Micah shrugged again. "If you want to, though I kind of think you already have."

Leo shook his head. "If you mean Stuart--"

"I do," Micah said. "I don't think Stuart's like Adam at all. Adam wasn't happy with you and Stuart was."

"It's a lot more complicated than that."

"It isn't. In the end, you choose who makes you happy. That's who everybody deserves." Micah reached over to play with Dune's hair. "Isn't that right, Dunie?"

"That's what I did, anyway." He kissed Micah's cheek.

"If Stuart makes you happy, you should stay with him," Micah said to Leo. "It's as simple as that."

Leo shook his head again. "I hope you never stop being so idealistic," he said nonetheless.

Micah rolled his eyes and complained to Dune, "Everybody thinks because I'm young I'm never right, but I'm right a lot more than I'm wrong."

"It tends to take us by surprise when you are," said Dune. He glanced up as a flight attendant announced that their flight would begin boarding in a few minutes. "That's us. Home again, home again." He began to gather their bags.

As they waited in line to board, Micah slipped an arm around Leo's waist. "I don't want you to be lonely, favorite Leo."

"I know, Micah." He ruffled Micah's hair. "I'm not. How could I be, with you boys poking around all the time?"

Micah beamed at him and gave him a squeeze before letting go, and Leo watched him move to stand next to Dune with a sigh. He'd been too busy over the past week to think about it, but he missed Adam keenly -- missed having someone, anyway, to hold hands with and lean against when he was tired and look after, and to look after him.

He shouldered his carry-on bag and got out his boarding pass, and told himself he'd think about it when he got home.

Chapter Nineteen

The house was much quieter after Micah and the Bellamys left, even though Jamie and Ben weren't leaving for Italy until the next day. After supper, Stuart poured himself a glass of wine and took it out to the garden to drink it, though he realized after a while that he was holding the glass and thinking and not drinking at all.

He supposed that's what brought out Jamie to sit with him, the open bottle in one hand and a pair of glasses in the other. Stuart watched him pour himself a glass. "Who's the third one for?"

"Benjie, when he's done on the phone. He's finalizing a few things, friends of his we'll be meeting up with and such. Funny, isn't it, how the best Italian restaurant in another country is never as good as eating in an actual Italian kitchen?" He set the bottle on the paving stones between them and lounged in his chair.

"Home-cooked is always best," Stuart said. "Provided the cook knows what they're doing."

"True. Too bad we didn't get Leo to cook for us more often on this trip. I love his food, even if it's nothing fancy." He looked at Stuart as Stuart took a contemplative sip. "What's got you gloomy tonight? You can't be disappointed with how the show went. The reviews make me sound like some sort of artistic second coming."

"I'm not disappointed in the show."

"And it can't be your family. You're still invited to the wedding, yeah? That's the important thing, even if this reconciliation thing takes a while. And think, in a couple weeks you'll be meeting your grandbaby. That's got to be an amazing feeling."

"I'm happy about that," Stuart said.

"You look like if it were socially acceptable you'd be rending your garments and tearing your hair like Heathcliff on the moors."

"If I were truly a Byronic hero I wouldn't care if it were socially acceptable or not," Stuart said. Jamie chuckled and drank his wine, and Stuart said, running his thumb thoughtfully around the rim of the glass, "You got your wish."

"What wish was this?"

"Leo and I. You got your wish. I told him to go home and forget about me and find someone suitable to him." He drank.

Jamie watched him, his face solemn. "And you're miserable about it."

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Heathcliff on the moors," said Jamie.

"What does it matter?" Stuart said. "You're right. Joelle's right. I'm not suited for anyone, and certainly not someone like Leo. Not someone as good and gentle and lovely as he is."

"Oh, my God," Jamie said, his glass pausing halfway to his mouth. "You're in love with him."

Stuart drained his glass and picked up the bottle for a refill. "Does it matter? As Joelle was so kind to point out last night, my love is toxic."

"She must have really loved you," Jamie said, and Stuart snorted. "Passionate hate is usually born out of passionate love. If she didn't love you she'd be indifferent."

"And you, Jamie?" Stuart said, hating himself for wanting to know the answer. "Are you indifferent?"

"No. I don't hate you, either. You hurt me badly and I ran away eight thousand miles to move on from you, but I don't hate you. I'm happier than I ever dreamed of being and I can't hate you for your part in it." He gazed at Stuart, eyes frank and open wide. "I hope we'll be friends eventually. We seem to be getting closer, just at a glacial pace." He played with his glass, fidgeting it back and forth between his hands. "As for Leo--"

"Forget about Leo," Stuart said ruthlessly. "I am. I have to. I won't be traveling to California for a while. I can't see Leo or I'll want him again, and I can't do it."

"You'll see him in August," Jamie said softly. "I know he's planning to come to the wedding."

"Then I won't go."

"Stuart, you can't do that! Your son wants you to come, doesn't he?"

"Tallis wants me to come. Last night Jean-Claude was still looking at me as if I'm something he scraped off his shoe."

"He's not going to think any better of you if you skip his wedding." Stuart had another drink, feeling his jaw set, and Jamie said as he leaned forward, "I take it back. I take it all back. If you can love Leo better than you ever loved Joelle or me, then you'll be what he deserves. And God knows he'll be what you deserve, too."

"How?" Stuart said. "What do I have to offer him? I'm a middle-aged workaholic an ocean away with a dysfunctional family and a history of failed relationships."

"Leo's middle-aged and absent-minded, and sometimes I have no idea where his head's at because it's so far up in the clouds, and he stayed in a bad relationship for far too long -- I personally think to prove a point. Nobody's perfect, Stuart."

"What could I possibly offer him? He doesn't need anything from me."

"You know what I need from Ben?" Jamie said.

"Validation."

"Love," Jamie said. "That's it. Now, the form that it takes, that's the important thing, like him leaving his family business behind for a summer so we can come out here and focus on my career. I'm still stunned he said yes to this mad venture, but here we are."

"He's getting a lot out of it too," said Stuart. "All these restaurants you've been eating at all week and the new cuisines you're going to try once you get to the continent."

"His reward." Jamie smiled at Stuart. "For coming to museums with me and answering all those questions about posing for me. We'll eat, I'll draw -- it's going to be a lovely month."

The back door opened and Ben came out. He perched on the arm of Jamie's chair and accepted the wine Jamie poured for him with a quiet, "Thanks, sunshine," and a kiss to Jamie's hair.

"How did it go?" Jamie asked him.

"We're all set -- twelve cities, twenty restaurants, and eight different people willing to put us up for our stay. It's going to be a grand tour." He patted his middle. "I plan to put on at least ten pounds by the time we get to Paris."

Jamie laughed and rubbed Ben's stomach, too. "I'll love you even if you're tubby."

"I know." Ben kissed him again. They sat there for a moment, holding each other loosely and smiling, and then Ben looked up from Jamie and said, "How are you, Stuart?"

Stuart covered his surprise with a sip of wine, and said, "Fine," once he'd swallowed. "I'm fine."

"He misses Leo," Jamie said to Ben. "I owe you a tenner."

Stuart put his glass down. "You were
betting
-- you were
talking about me
--"

"We weren't betting," Ben said. "We were talking. Jamie said you only get broody like this when you're upset about something and I said it had to be Leo."

"Watching the sunset in my garden with a glass of wine is not being broody."

"Watching the sunset in your garden with a glass of wine after hardly speaking a word all day is broody," said Jamie. "It's your way of being broody."

"Whether it makes me broody or not, it doesn't matter. Leo is on his way home to find somebody who deserves him, and I'll go on as I always have." He picked up his glass again, and Jamie obligingly topped him off.

Ben said, "I wonder about that myself, sometimes, if we get who we deserve in the end."

"Oh, you think I don't deserve you?" Jamie teased him. Ben caressed his face.

"I thank God every day for you," he said gently and Jamie leaned against him, looking pleased. "But that's my point. If someone is a blessing in your life, do you deserve them? I think," he paused a moment, gathering his thoughts, "I think, if we're truly happy with our partner, we don't get what we deserve -- we get
more
."

Stuart stared out at the river. He had a drink and said once he'd swallowed, "I thought Micah was the hopeless romantic among us."

"The kid's got a few good ideas," Ben said.

"I agree that Leo will be a blessing in any man's life. He just won't be in mine."

Ben said, his tone serious, "Stuart, I know I've been wrong about you. I think we all have at some point. I'm sorry. I really am. You're more than the guy who broke my boyfriend's heart, but it's been hard to see you that way until Leo made me see you for what you really are."

"Oh, good," Stuart muttered into his glass. "What am I, really?"

"A good man," Ben said and Stuart couldn't speak, couldn't respond, not even to snort in derision. "Look, we've all made mistakes, but no one's irredeemable, not if they want to be. In the end, if Leo wants you and you want him, that's all that matters, isn't it? Not what your friends or family think -- only what's between the two of you."

"A pretty speech," Stuart said. "There's one problem. Leo doesn't want me."

The boys looked at each other and Jamie took Ben's hand. "I'm sorry," Jamie said.

"So, like I said, Leo's gone home to find someone who'll make him happy, and I'll find a way to forget him." He rose. "Cork the bottle if you don't finish it before bed, won't you?"

"Of course," Jamie murmured, and Ben looked unhappy and confused.

"Stuart!" he said and Stuart stopped on his way into the house, his arms crossed over his chest. "Aren't you going to fight for him?"

Stuart swallowed, his eyes stinging. "I've no weapons and no armor. I've already surrendered. Good night, gentlemen." He went inside.

***

The best part of traveling, Leo thought, was supposed to be coming home -- but the apartment still felt empty without Adam. Dune was only upstairs, but he was occupied with transferring everything that he'd written by hand from his notebook onto his computer and seemed eager to get back to it every time Micah or Leo dragged him away. "He's great with book," Micah told Leo. "Absolutely gravid with it. That's good, right? It means he's doing better."