Chasing Forever (16 page)

“Guess this is better than not doing much of anything at all. Our efforts aren’t working, so maybe Lucy’s method will,” Sienna said as she got up with her silk chemise, showing a great amount of skin and her toned curves from her dancing
. She rummaged into her purse before plucking out her keys. She then took one out, throwing it towards me. It landed on the side of my leg.

“If he asks about the key, I
had nothing to do with it.” Blake took it from the sheet and handed it to me.

“Thank you!” I jumped out of bed, showering them with floating kisses as I slipped
into my shoes and walked out of there as fast as I could. I didn’t want to give them a chance to change their minds, and of course, I also couldn’t deny the obvious, that I wanted to head straight to his house in Hyde Park on Park Lane.

Since it was e
arly with not much traffic activity, it didn’t take long until for me to reach his place. My enthusiasm had died down the moment I got out of the cab and stood outside his home, dauntingly eyeing it with anxiety.

Go on, what are you waiting for?
My mind mocked me as I began to move towards the steps, pulling the silver key from my pocket and inserting it into the keyhole.

Once inside, I could faintly hear music drifting somewhere from the hall as I slowly made my way deeper into the house. In the kitchen, I
staggered, finding paper bags from different restaurants containing his favorite dishes had been left untouched. The opposite wall had boxes of liquor. If I had no idea where I was, I’d think someone was throwing a party. Well, maybe he was—a party for one.

Following the music, I halted outside his library door.

“Toby?” I knocked a few times, one louder than the other. “Are you in here?” I pushed my weight on the door, prying the knob to budge open, but nothing worked. Giving a few more knocks and still nothing, I sighed, figuring that he’d come out sooner or later.

Besides, overtiredness made me dizzy, so I strode towards the living
room, looking for the perfect place to rest for a little while as I waited on him to come out of his hiding.

I just needed a shuteye, an hour tops.

Chapter 23

Lucy

“Lucy?”

The sound of his stricken voice stinging my eardrums immediately woke me out of my dream. Sitting up, I brushed the hair off my face when I saw him stride towards me like a dark, fallen angel. The asshole kind.

“What are you doing here?”
His eyes flicked up and down, noting how shabby and sleepy I was.
“You’ve been here this whole time?”

Why was he glaring at me like I was some unknown intruder?

Sighing, I gazed at him apologetically. “Sort of.”

He brooded some more. “Do you
need
something?”

Rude much? His unfeeling demeanor was getting
to be too much. Since I had somewhat trespassed, though, I couldn’t really blame him. “Not really. I thought you’d like company.”

“How hard is it to understand that I need to be alone?”
He sounded grating, condescending.

With a shaky breath, I got onto my feet, looking sorry. “Let me be here for you, Toby.”

I saw him flinch, as if it was the last thing he wanted because it was coming from me.

“There’s a spare room upstairs. You can use that for tonight
, but please be out of here by morning.”

He ha
d never spoken to me that way. Never.

“You don’t mean that—that’s a little harsh.”

“Harsh?”
He looked a tad offended, blue eyes turned into something dark, almost black. “
You’re one to talk about harsh!
Don’t you remember how
harsh
you were when you so callously threw me out of your life?”

We were back there again. Unfortunately.

It always came back to the root of everything—our demise. “I’m sorry…” I apologized. “There’s nothing I can do to change the past. Dwelling on it won’t help—weren’t you the one to suggest that we stay friends before? Well, here I am, wanting to be one—”

He brushed my words to the side.
“There’s nothing I want—not a fucking damn thing!”

Opening my mouth, I wanted to say something about how our bond
had become stronger in Madrid, but what had come out of his mouth had offended me to no end.

“Please leave.”

I was beyond hurt, but I wanted to be strong, braver; to help him battle his own terrors. “No.” I stood my ground. His words had cut deep, however I’d take on as much as I could until I could no longer withstand it. I had to keep trying, I supposed.

Toby flashed me an irritated look. “I’m too drunk to have you around.”

“I don’t mind you drunk.” I didn’t mind him. Period.

He huffed, looking at me heatedly. “Well
, you should.”

“Well
, I don’t.” My skin flushed from his thorough perusal. If this was his tactic to scare me off, he should do better.

Our gazes connected like magnets
, attracting each other. I felt the power of his pull overpowering my body as he progressed towards me.

“I want to fuck you, Luce
. I can still remember how it is to break you open while I slowly sheath my greedy cock with your sweet warmth. You would sob, cry out my name, as I piston in and out of you. All the while looking at you gloriously wild with abandon…” Blatantly, he stared at the slopes of my breasts before taking out his tongue, licking the bottom of his lip as he drugged me with carnal, explicit thoughts. “You gave me the world… for quite some time…”

My chest heave
d, nipples aching from the command of his sight, mouth thirsty to taste him… all of him.

“
But…”
he trailed off, continuing being vicious. “Then we were off to shag different people, right? Did you like the other men enjoying you the way I did? Did they pleasure you just the way you liked it?”

They were thorns not daggers, yet it still penetrated me, piercing small holes into my heart, bleeding me gently. “No
. There’s no one like you.”

He huffed, stepping closer to read my depths, taking me in. Drowning me in his
eyes. “
I love…
the way you lie.”

“You’re hurting
me, Toby. Let me in. Let me stay.
I want to help…”
Common sense left me as I bared a little of myself again, needing to let him in.

He gave me a sharp look, raising his cocky brow. “You’re offering your body to temporarily
ease
my pain?”

He would never, would he? The old Toby was all heart. I had to call his bluff. “If that’s what it takes
, then yes.”

“Even if I fuck just for my own pleasure?”

Selfish, but I nodded anyway. “Yes.”

He gauged me again, as if I
had already deceived him once. “Remind me again why you’re freely offering your body now when it was just mere weeks ago that you couldn’t wait to get rid of me in Rome? Do you know how it felt having you that night, feeling as if we were back to the way we once were and then waking up alone in
your
bed?”

This man was on a roll. I had to gather my thought
s and ignore my wanton body. “I had to think—
away from you
. It was too complicated…”

“Maybe if you
’d tried a little harder, it wouldn’t be as such.”

I flinched. He was making me an emotional punching bag
, and I was letting it happen. The countless wrongs I had caused him made me glaze over the words that came out of his mouth. Underneath all the hateful words lay the man I loved. I would endure the wrath of his tongue if it would make him feel a little less angry. I would do it all for him.

Calling his bluff, I led the way.

Taking my pants down, I stepped out of them, only wearing my thong and my loosened top. I was about to take off the rest of my clothing when his words halted me once more.

“You like to strip for the guy
s now? That’s something new.” There was laughter in his voice, as if he was making fun at my expense.

The blows kept on coming. How far would he go to hurt me?
I wondered before he answered it for me.

“What new tricks did you learn from your other lovers
, huh?
What does that boyfriend of yours like to do to you?
” He was almost sneering, as if disgusted at me.

Keep calm
, I urged myself. “I’m not seeing him anymore.”

He snorted before he stalked behind me, his lips brushing my ear. “How beautiful you look whilst lying, Lucy.”

I was in blissful Heaven. In Hell. In pure ecstasy. In the depths of the scorching inferno. A twilight zone of his own making.

“Aren’t you going to finishing stripping for me, my dear Lucy?” His brow rose, mocking me.

Slowly, I stripped. All the while he watched me with brooding fascination. When my body was fully exposed, I directed him a serious look. “Where do you want me?”

“Come here
, but come to me slowly,” he commanded. “Then you may undress me.”

I did as he asked, approaching with trepidation as my body hummed with anticipation. When I reached him
and started to unbuckle his pants, he made a sharp intake of breath. Carefully, I peeled them away from each leg, leaving him with his boxer briefs on. My gaze caught how hard and erect he was, furthering the fire that was building up inside. Eye to eye, I reached for the ends of his shirt, taking it off his body before dropping it on the floor.

Slipping against his body with my nipples brushing against his chest
, I slowly took care of his boxers. I then decided to stay on my knees before looking up to him, telling him with my eyes what I wanted to do next.

Heavy lidded with desire, his throat bobbed as he watched me, anticipating.

I had never done this before. When I wanted to try giving him a blowjob, he would always tell me that I didn’t need to please him that way. He kept telling me that my body was enough for him. So this was unknown territory, yet I had never been this confident with something so intimidating.

Gripping the base of his cock, I used my free hand to stroke him slowly. His low
, grumbling sounds made me heady as I parted my lips, concentrating on the head of his dick. Gradually opening my mouth to accommodate his size, I started bobbing my head, taking as much as I could, sucking him with everything I had.

When I looked up, I saw him heaving in short breaths “My imagination wouldn’t compare when I thought of you milking my cock
. God, you look bloody fantastic,” he groaned before I felt his hand grip the back of my head, thrusting his cock further in, stroking it a few times before sliding me from it.

“What are you doing?” I rushed out the question when he suddenly
picked me up and carried me to the couch. He flipped me on my knees before parting my bottom. I yelped at the harsh way he entered me while he growled my name with deep satisfaction.

He felt perfectly divine as I held onto the couch, him pounding and fucking me like he meant it.

He thought he was taking me for his own satisfaction, but little did he know that I was with him all the way; loving every stroke, the hard pounding thrusts, and the roughness of it all. I treasured every second of it.

Passing out, mind and body fully satiated, beyond elated, I recalled falling into a deep coma with the feel of his chest
under my head, listening to his heart steadfastly beat against my ear, satisfied that I somehow had broken a layer of his barrier. It was going to be tough to go through them all, however that didn’t deter me.

One thing I
had realized in Madrid after seeing him with the baby—I was done pretending that my world didn’t exist for him. If his parents had a problem with that then I would endure whatever they have for me. I had done nothing,
not a bloody damn thing
—but loved their son to the fullest. I would not cower any longer.

My
naivety caused one back luck to the next. I was ready to lay it all out there, to fight and save the man I loved from his own destruction, consequences be damned. And he will have doubts, I was sure of it. But I’m prepared to prove him that I could still be worthy of his love.

His touch and his beautiful tortured
soul gutted whatever pride I had left. Making me realize that I had never wanted to be apart from him again. I would stay by his side, for as long as my sanity allowed it.

Chapter 24

Lucy

Last night, I remembered half waking up to him taking me a few more times. He had meant what he’d said when he had told me that he was going to take me for his own pleasure.

Physically, I had no complaints
. I loved the fiery, passionate way he handled my body, as if it was his pleasure instrument, dedicated to the way he’d envisioned.

What irked me the most was the lack of emotional connection with him. I felt just how he
’d said it, that he was fucking me to ease his pain. Apart from the fact that I loved taking and dulling his pain away, even for a short while, I yearned for his kiss. I craved
that
touch—the kind where it could be harsh and rough, soft and sweet, yet you knew it was done with love. There was nothing of that sort last night.

Even at this moment, when my naked body
was pressed against his own, even with his half-mast dick pressed against the crevice of my thighs, he kept his hands to himself. He couldn’t be any clearer than that.

In Rome, he
had been all over me. After we’d had sex for the third time, he wouldn’t let me out of his arms, even if we had both been drenched with sweat and other bodily fluids. He had been un-detachable.

Swallowing the painful rejection and pain, I gradually slid off the sofa, getting up to fetch my clothes on the floor when the sheets shuffle
d.

“
Leaving
me already?” he grumbled.

I contained a sigh, masking my hurt with a smile before I faced him. “I need to be
somewhere tonight. It’s about a quarter past five in the afternoon, and I need to get ready. I’ll come straight to you afterwards.” Hoping to reassure him, I had failed.

“Don’t bother coming back. I don’t need you.”

The sudden shift of his mood from appearing sleepy to awake and brooding in a manner of seconds made me feel helpless.

“Get some rest. I’ll see you tonight,” I retorted, ignoring his spiteful words as I slowly opened the door, leaving.

“I don’t want you,” I heard him say on my way out, thrashing his words at me, aiming where it hurt most. Tears threatened to well in my eyes, but I kept blinking them back. Crying wouldn’t solve anything.

Someday, he’d to come back to me,
I kept on believing. I had to keep faith. I had to remain strong for the both of us.

+++

I didn’t necessarily have to go out, but after the toxic mouth treatment from Toby, I had decided that I needed a change of scene. By doing so, his words wouldn’t affect me as much. It would make me endure his sharp tongue and snide remarks much better.

It was Anne’s celebration dinner amongst friends and family. She was Troy’s sister and I
had RSVP’d a month before, confirming the invitation. She and I had become quite friendly when she would come out with us from time to time, partying and dancing. Besides, she was amazing, and I wanted to witness happiness around me, believing that happily-ever-after did happen to those who waited. To those who were patient.

Therefore,
I celebrated with Troy, chatting and enjoying everyone’s conversations, sipping on wine and dining, half thinking about the passing time.

When it was time to leave their party, it wasn’t until half past midnight
when I arrived at Toby’s place. I wasn’t sure how he would react to me this time since I had told him that I would be coming back. Then again, he had said that he didn’t want me back. Here was hoping my luck would be much better tonight.

I had barely
shut the door while I slid the key into my small, clutch purse and was about to stride towards the hall when I was greeted by his presence, staring broodingly at me.

Clearing my throat, I forced myself to speak. “Hello
,” I squeaked. “I’m back.”

His eyes scathingly went
over my body, roaming with disapproval. “You went out looking like
that
? Since when did you start dressing like a whore?” Sneering his words, he was ruthless and unkind. “
Who
did you dress for?
Troy?
I bet he was there, wasn’t he?”

I dressed for
you
… I had wanted him to see me and devour me on the spot. I hadn’t expected him to be in such a foul mood already. Was he always going to be this way? Why did he hate me so much?

I licked my lips, fiercely blinking back the tears that were about to form in my eyes.

“You haven’t answered me, Lucy.” In a flash, he was right in my face, circling me like a predator.
“Was he there or not?”

Silence was golden they said…

“Cat got your tongue?”

Maybe pushing him so much wasn’t a good idea
. Maybe I’d had too much alcohol to tolerate his mean attitude because, whatever shield I’d had on yesterday, simply wasn’t working right this second.

“I’ll—” I gasped out, meeting his eyes
. He didn’t look inviting. After the long talk I’d had with Troy about my troubles, I was too exhausted—too everything—to deal with this. “You know what? I just realized that I’m knackered. I’ll probably just go home and sleep.”

Spinning around to leave, I
immediately felt both his arms around my body, locking me in place. “Don’t. Move. A. Muscle.”

I didn’t. His voice simply chilled me. It was as if this man wasn’t Toby because this person before me enjoyed causing me pain.

“I told you not to come back here, but you didn’t listen. So you’ll wait until I give you clearance to leave.” He circled me once, stopping in my line of sight, asking, “What will it take for you to go? Let’s forget about the farcical talks of friendships—never happening.”

Toby…
was gone
. There was no denying it. It had been a little over a week ago when the man had been weeping in my arms, holding onto me. He now was dead.

He
’d died along with them.

His family…

“If I have women here, will that make you uncomfortable? If I fucked them before you, would it bother you at all?”

It would kill me inside. “Is that what you want
? To have sex with other women?” It hurt to ask, but I had to.

“I can do whatever I want,” he said, challenging me to fight back
, yet the last thing I wanted was to fight, let alone banter for his own satisfaction.

“I could always come
back when you’re all alone again.” Or maybe I just wouldn’t since I meant nothing to this stranger.

He barked out a cruel laugh, shaking his head in disbelief. “You didn’t before because I had Amelia…
Now that she’s dead, you’re fine with fucking me again. That’s sensible.”

“She was your wife,” I whispered, hating the word
wife
on my lips.

Ruthless he surely was as he gave me a death stare. “That day of the wedding—you showing up and leaving ten minutes after you arrived
—what the hell were you doing there?”

I
had been there to stop him—to beg—but we had been surrounded by people and I hadn’t wanted to risk embarrassment in case he’d declined me. Besides, he had gotten Amelia pregnant and agreed to be engaged and marry almost immediately. What had I had to compete with Amelia? Nothing…

“I didn’t feel well that day. I was sick.” And I
had been sick for a long period of time, puking my guts out even when there had been nothing left to come out. Troy had become so worried that he’d actually taken me to the hospital when blood started to show along with my saliva. Yes, I had been suffering more than anyone would ever know.

His questioning wasn’t done. “Blake and Sienna’s engagement
—do you recall
anything about
that
night?”

I remember everything that ha
s you in it.
Every. Single. Memory. “Barely,” I lied through my teeth, not feeling well.

He moved closer, fingers lifting my chin to meet his eyes. “You’ve successfully ejected me from your life. Consistently rejecting me whenever you could. And you’re planning on
leaving
the second you think I’m all better?”

No.
“Yes—”

His fingers immediately withdrew from my face, as if it burnt him. “Well
, I’m all better now.”

Why
did he keep fighting me? Why couldn’t he for once be less defensive? Hadn’t he had enough?

“Toby
, please, you were okay having me around when I was in Madrid. Stop—”

Fury was back. Full throttle. “It was a weakened moment.
My wife
had just died and
our baby
was dying, what did you expect?”

His wife…

He’d never referenced her in that way before—not to me anyway. She had simply been Amelia, the woman he’d felt compelled to marry. Then again, he probably had felt something for her. He had dated her for quite some time, had sex with her, shared a home with her.
They even made a baby…

I summoned
enough strength to ask him one last question. “Did you… realize that she meant so much more after she passed? Is that why you’re so angry?” It would make a lot of sense.

Breaking eye contact, his fierce gaze left a vicious curl in my stomach, as if I knew what he was going to say before his lips parted to speak.

“Yes, I did. Now I just have to live with my regrets.”

He
’d loved her, of course he had. I desperately wanted to ask if he felt anything for me, however I was too much of a coward to hear him say that he didn’t any longer. The happiness I had found with him, the memories that had brought me so much in life, felt like they needed some protection from him. I just wanted to preserve it and not taint it with memories of him and his wife.

“Am I permitted to leave?” I managed to ask, gripping my purse tightly.

“Why? Can’t wait a minute longer to have him fuck you senseless?”

Was he not exhausted?

I was holding down my scream, so when I saw him about to fire more words at me, I simply did just that. “Stop—stop! This is madness. Let’s not ruin whatever’s left between us!”

“Nothing is left. Where the fuck have you been, Lucy?” Vile words.
Pure, utter garbage.

“Nothing?
You feel nothing for me?” I felt crippled, as if he’d stolen everything from me. And maybe he just had.

“Are you asking me if I still love you?”

I pathetically nodded, still desperate for crumbs… something… “Yes. I am asking just that.”

“Do I look like a man in love with you, Lucy?”

“No… you do not,” I said it in a hushed whisper, barely standing on my shaky legs, crushed and completely destroyed.

“Well
, there you have it.”

I felt faint. My body started to panic, going through such raw emotions, on
e hurt after the other, exhausting itself.
It, too, has given up on me
, I thought darkly, feeling like a joke.

“Do you mind if I take that bed upstairs? I’ll leave first thing in the morning if that helps you decide to let me stay for a few hours.” I needed shelter, away from him, from
everyone.

He made a curt nod before I excused myself to seek the room. I immediately found one the moment I stepped on the landing, gunning towards it
, as if I would die immediately if I didn’t get inside.

I was a strong woman and I wasn’t going to let him see me cry. Locking the door behind me, I was immediately blinded
by darkness. With no idea where the light switch was located, I waited until my watery sight could see enough until I chose a spot to call my own.

I remained sitting on the carpeted floor with my chin on my knees
, wrapped around my arms, leaning against the foot of the bed. It was only then I set it free. The hurtful words. The pain it had cost me when I’d heard him confirm that he’d loved her all along. Most of all, I cried for losing him again.

“Sorry fellas, but I’m peckish,” Toby declared, grumbling.

Smiling at him, I asked, “What do you fancy? We could grab something on the way home.” I kissed his cheek and rested my head against his shoulder, overwhelmed with such intense love for him.

“Spaghetti,” he said with a smile. We were all relieved that Chad was getting better and seeing Toby look so happy had brought bliss and contentment into my life.

Gazing at him with my heart, I granted his wish. “Then spaghetti it is.”

He then nuzzled my neck before leaving a kiss on my forehead, breathing me in. “I love you.”

“I love you.”
For always. Forever.

There was a faint knock on the door, bringing me back out of my bittersweet memory of him. Those had been the good days. It hurt to mourn the man that he used to be. If I could trade a decade of my life for a minute with the old him, I gladly would until I ran out of life.