Chasing Forever (17 page)

“Lucy!” The knob wiggled before he knocked again. “Open the door.”

No. I couldn’t.

“Please—”
His voice softened, reminding me of how he had been when back when he was sweet and kind. “I just—I was hoping we could talk…”

Crawling on my knees, I went towards the door, softly leaning against it, closing my eyes. “I’m tired, Toby. I need to rest.”

“Open up.”

Tears streamed
down my face as I shook my head. “No. I think we’ve done enough.” There was nothing left. He was right.

“Luce, I’m sorry.”

I smiled bitterly. Sadly. I understood it all because I loved him. “Me, too,” I whispered in vain.

“What happens now, Lucy?”
He sounded broken, as if he was hurting.

We had nothing in common.
Nothing to give to each other. So what else was there?

“We forget about each other.” I could at least attempt to make th
at happen. The chances were nil, but I was going to try.

“Luce?”

Wiping my tears away, I slowly got up and laid on the bed, curling up in a fetal position.

“Lucy?”
he asked again through the door, however I held my tongue from responding.

Racking with soft sobs, I freely let go of my tears while he kept saying my name, asking for me.

How could he after how he’d treated me downstairs? Even in my worst time, given that it hadn’t been as bad as his, I had never acted nor treated him so abysmally. I felt degraded, unworthy of anything.

Toby tried to talk to me for another hour before I finally heard his defeated footsteps descending down the stairs.

I waited until I could see the first break of dawn before I softly started coming out of the room. Cautiously treading with on my toes, I was almost at the stairs when a linen closet piqued my interest. Stopping before it, I noticed piled boxes haphazardly stacked, some opened and still packaged.

The back of a frame stood out, so I pulled it out, finding something unexpected.

Wedding photos.
A collage of the wedding
.

A memento that
had forever captured their wedding kiss. Exchanging rings, Amelia in her wedding dress as she walked down the aisle…

This was a sign. A gargantuan sign that I should pay heed to.

What use were my good memories with him when he had successfully made his very own with someone else? He’d replaced me and followed through with what we had planned together with Amelia, instead.

They did say that a man hurt was a man in love. Alas, he was hurting plenty.

As quietly as I could, I walked out of his house. Praying that one day I could breathe again.

Chapter 25

Lucy

The next day, Toby tried to call. He even attempted to see me, knocking against my door. I had forgotten that he had keys to my place; I was just fortunate enough that I had absentmindedly put the top latch on. Hearing him reaching out to me tore me apart, but I simply couldn’t face him. I was weakened and had no strength in me to deal with him.

He tried doing this for a week straight. Every night, eight in the evening, he would knock, trying for about thirty minutes before finally relenting that I was never going to open the door.

The week after was my finals, ignoring and declining invitations from my friends had become a constant thing. It wasn’t mainly about them, and I thought that they somehow knew that. Chances of seeing Toby amongst our peers was high, even if I asked them to guarantee that he wouldn’t be there, he would eventually appear anyway.

Maybe in the next few weeks, when my cuts weren’t too deep
—when the wound wasn’t as raw—then I could brave it out and face him without breaking down. I knew myself; risking seeing him in this state of mind wouldn’t do me any good. So I secluded myself, mending my own hurt.

Finals came
. When I got back home that night after an entire day of rigorous testing, I found a vase filled with an elaborate flower setting. I knew who it had come from, and yet, I couldn’t stop myself from taking the card out and reading what he had written on it.

My poison, you sought

My hurt, you unraveled

My darkness, you welcomed

My acerbic words, you suffered

My imperfection tainted your beauty
,

Yet you saw the beauty amidst it all,

Marring yourself with it selflessly, even to an unkind beast.

Without you, I saw the irrevocable damage I caused.

Yet I wanted to seek shelter,

I simply couldn’t
do without.

I am a blind man.

Waiting.

Waiting in vain.

If forever is never.

Then never shall be my forever.

Wallowing for my warped fallen love, I kept the note, slipping it in my purse
. I left the untouched, stunning arrangement on the floor as I decided to turn around and walk out of the building.

After everything, I absolutely needed a break from it all.

+++

“Did you get your grades yet? When can we celebrate you graduating? I want to host a party to invite whoever you want
. Would that be ideal?” Sienna’s enthusiasm brought a smile to my face.

Sometimes
, I wondered how such a tortured soul, beaten relentlessly at a young age, could turn out to be someone so strong, so admirable. Had it been me, I would’ve probably turned into a killer, a druggie—something less pragmatic than Sienna.

With luck, I
had been christened with a loving family, including my two sisters. I didn’t talk to them too much these days since both lived out of the country, but when we did see each other, it was as if the absence had never been there.

Our parents were the soppy kind.
They had met at sixteen at some bowling alley, and they hadn’t parted since. Both struggled with getting by, stricken with poverty from both sides, yet with my father’s ingenious ideas and skill and my mother’s brilliant knack at coordinating and organizing, they had combined their ideas and come out with an online party supplies company. It was a niche market, but a decade ago, there had been a massive demand for it. The timing had been perfect. Our once pallid surroundings became a six-bedroom, beautiful, English countryside estate. Even with money and lavish surroundings, we were fortunate enough that none of us had changed.

“You there?”

Yeah, my mind had drifted off yet again, a common occurrence in my life these days.
Where were we? Dinner. Party. Right.

“I’m in Kent
, spending quality time with my family. Dinner won’t be possible at the moment.”

Sienna went silent for a minute before asking, “Luce, are you purposely avoiding me? Did I do something wrong?”

I felt like a bloody heel. “Goodness, no. I’m just busy at the moment. There’s so much to think about—my future and where I want to go from here,” I said, sounding reasonable. “I’m actually even considering going out of the country for a year, maybe work and travel at the same time.” Again, I hadn’t thought a thing, not even close to these things, yet the lies were limitless. They kept pouring out of my lips.

“What? You’re leaving me
, too?” she sounded frantic. “Why don’t we do something together? I’m sure we could figure something out. I don’t want to sound like a whiny brat, but with Chad gone most of the time, Toby busy with his new business, and with Blake travelling so much, I have no family left here. You guys are all I have.”

Business with Sienna, I surely hadn’t thought of that. “We’ll see. We can talk about that soon.”

“Great! So I can’t even drop by to say hello before you graduate?”

My graduation was in a month’s time and I had no qualms not attending the blasted ceremony. “I’ll text you.”

She sighed. “Okay. Well, take care. Love you, Luce.”

“Love you
, too, Si.”

Ending the call, I decided to
put a bikini on. A few laps in our indoor pool should help me relax.

After all, the spew of lies I
had just told had given me a few ideas. The future didn’t look so gloomy anymore. Maybe leaving England would be the answer I had been waiting for.

Chapter 26

Lucy

Sienna had tried to see me for the past four weeks, yet every time she’d attempted it, I had always had an excuse for her not to go through with it.

At one point, I
had decided to truly speak my mind and told her the truth. I was so thankful that she’d understood me, telling me that each person grieved differently and it just so happened that mine entailed hiding from everyone. She had even said that the day I decided to start mingling with the masses, she’d throw a ‘welcome back’ party. She was being silly, and I loved her to bits for it.

I filled my days with swimming once in the morning and once in the evening. The in between consisted
of naps and reading mystery and suspense novels. I admitted that there were instances that I had almost bought a romance book, but thank goodness I had deterred myself from it. The last thing I needed was to dwell on the pain that I had a difficult time quelling.

About noontime, I decided to have a quick shower before delving into the world of Grisham’s brilliant mind. My spirits were high as I hummed along
with Adele’s “Set Fire To The Rain” that I had on repeat at the dock located in my bedroom. Coming out of the shower and wiping my body with a plush towel, opting not to blow dry my wet hair. I instead reached for a small towel, loosely squeezing the wetness from my hair as I came out of the bathroom, needing to fetch my lotion. I stopped dead in my tracks. My body went rigid.
Hot
but rigid.

“Your mom said it
was fine to come upstairs—she thought you were sleeping,” he said, rushing out the words, almost out of breath, while his eyes gloriously roved about, lingering explicitly on my naked body.

Fuck.

Oh. My. Fuckity fuck.

Snapping out of my shock
, I immediately held onto the towel tighter, consciously pressing it against my breasts at the same time I realized that it barely covered my cleft.

Blushing from head to foot, I started to function. “Uh—excuse me,” I muttered, spinning around before going back inside the bathroom, closing the door behind me
then leaning against it, my heart pounding rapidly against my chest.

His unexpected surprise
had left me in a state of absolute stupefaction, yet it had been so long since I had felt this… exhilarated.
Alive.

Pressing my palm over the beat
ing of my heart, I closed my eyes, telling myself not to get carried away about by this visit. It was plausible, wasn’t it? Of course I could do that. Sure, the wounds remained open, but I didn’t feel as fragile as before. I could even go as far as striding back into the room and pretending to be the bitchy, old me. It shouldn’t be that difficult.

With my strategy decided, I plucked the pastel
, yellow silk robe that hung on the door, nervously putting it on and wrapping the belt as tightly as I could. Huffing out a brave breath, I forced myself not to bother looking into the mirror in case I became a conscious fool before finally striding out of the loo with a small bit of bravado.

“Sorry, I had to put something on.”

“It’s perfectly fine. You were…” he paused, “naked.”

Well, there went my composure
, I thought starkly.

Purposely making him comfortable, I didn’t comment on it. “What brings you to Kent?” Did he have business around here?

“You weren’t able to attend your graduation.” He strolled forward, an arm’s reach from me, handing me a square, velvet crème box. “This was my present for you.” His eyes caressed my face as I took the present into my hand. “I’ve had it in the car all this time, and after the lunch meeting I had, it spontaneously occurred to me that I could very well drop it off…”

I nodded, disconcertedly staring back at him. “Thank you
, but you shouldn’t have.”

He shrugged before his face contorted. “It’s nothing really. After how despicable I was to you that night—”

“Don’t.” I didn’t want to recall the events of those two nights. “Let’s not talk about any of that.”

His eyes pleaded. “Wouldn’t it be better if we—”

“No,” I interjected before shakily whispering, “Let’s not.”

His eyes wanted to probe further
, but I was grateful he didn’t pursue the subject further.

“All right
,” he murmured. “When do you plan to come back? I can come pick you up any time you like. In fact, if you can come along with me today…” He was babbling as I stared at him like he had lost his mind.

“I’m fine, Toby.
Truly
.”

“You look it…” He suddenly looked intense. Appreciative. “You look more than fine
. You’ve never looked so beautiful in my eyes.”

I had to look away, hurt by his words. “Thank you for the gift, but you must leave.”
At once.

In a flash, I felt him come to me, cupping my cheek before pressing his lips on the side of my head. “I’ve missed
you so much…” he gutted out. “Come back to me.”

Why did he have to come and thrash whatever fortress I
had built around myself? I was in a moment of confusion once more, not sure how to respond to him.

“Toby…”

“I promise you, I won’t be horrid. I won’t hurt you anymore. This time, you’ll come first before anyone else. It’ll be different this time.”

God
, I was tempted, but I had so much doubt…

“Demand anything
, and I’ll give it you. Anything at all, just as long as you become mine again.”

In a heartbeat, I would go wherever he asked of me
, but I needed him to tell me the words. The ones I had desperately needed to hear from him that night—that he still loved me—but he never had uttered.

“Lucy…” he drawled with his hot breath brushing
across my ear, on my neck. “I want you.” His lips stroked the tip of my ear, sending delicious waves of shivers, waking the hidden hunger that he alone could command. His thumb easily slid inside the V of my robe, brushing, teasing a nipple, while he softly spoke into my ear. “I can’t stop thinking about you. I ache every day not having you in my arms.”

My treacherous body weakened at his expertise. “It’s not
… g—d,” I stuttered before moaning out loud when he pinched my nipple, circling it with the pad of his thumb then tugging it enough to evoke pain and pleasure. With the use of his other hand, I felt him unknot the robe, letting it fall to the floor.

“I’m desperate for you
,” he kept on whispering into my sensitive ear while my body was distracted. One hand on my breast and the other, skirting below, heading straight to my core. “I reach out for you at night… I need you.” His thigh parted my weakened legs, growling in my ear when his middle finger found my slit, which was throbbing with an overabundance of slick wetness.

“Hell—” he grunted out, as he fumbled
with his pants. He lifted my leg to hook around his hip before pressing the tip of his cock against the opening of my slit. He then cupped my face with both hands, making me look into his eyes. He stared straight into my heart before his hips started to move, thrusting softly through my folds. “Tell me you don’t want this.”

I started to pant, drowsy from the exquisite feel of his shaft, rubbing and grinding on my clit. His cock was hard
, thick, as it teased my opening, gliding across it like a rhythmic teasing for something even more blissful.

A soft sob escaped from my lips as our gazes interlocked.

“It aches to be inside you, Luce.” He wanted me, and yet, he was demanding more than my body.

He drove me wild
, wanton with need, and I completely unfolded, begging, “Fuck me. Please?”

“Promise to be with me?” He waited for me to answer, eyes demanding while I was delirious for him.

“I’m frightened.”

Hurt spread across his face
, but it only drove him more to pursue me. “I won’t hurt you, I promise.” He took my hand and planted a kiss inside my palm before placing it against the beat of his heart. “I’m yours, Lucy.”

This should be enough. Maybe it was. Maybe this was the closest thing I
would come to what I used to have with him. And it should suffice. “I’ll be yours for as long as you’re mine.”

I didn’t know wh
at the future held for us. There were still a lot of questions that riddled my mind, however there was one thing I did know, and that was my love for him. The once simple, uncomplicated love had evolved into something more, much more compared to a year ago. Six months ago. Last week. Yesterday. It kept on growing abundantly. And I would continue loving him, knowing that I would always pine for him, his heart, to love me the way I loved him.

I had accepted that.

That’s why God invented dreams, so I could have him whenever I closed my eyes.