Chasing Forever (19 page)

“I just know.”

Arrogant ass.

Searching his eyes, I felt his cock push further, slowly stroking and teasing the fire within me.

“I love you.” The words had escaped my lips before I could stop them.

“Lucy!” he warned, picking up the tempo, feeling like the mirror was about to crack from the force of his pounding.

“Oh, baby. I’m close,” I whispered against his lips, kissing him with everything I had as he drove me into ecstasy, finally laying it all on the line.

T
hen, I screamed it again, telling him how I truly felt.

Chapter 28

Lucy

We were just coming off the high of our mating. He was still lodged inside me, looking at me with confusion.

I loved him
, yet he didn’t believe it. His eyes told me so. I didn’t want to say it again to make him believe me.

“Can you take yourself off me? I need to clean up.”

He groaned as he started licking and nipping my neck. “I will. Just give me a moment to enjoy this a little bit longer.”

His lips then sought mine, kissing me thoroughly, senselessly. It wasn’t
long before I started gyrating my hips, feeling him harden to full length.

“Keep fucking my cock
, baby.”

My lips parted when I slid him deeper into me.
As I threw my head back, one of his hands cupped my breast while the other reached to touch my clit, rubbing it earnestly as I fucked him good. Hard and fast.

It wasn’t long until I came, twice, before it was his turn, unloading his seed into my womb.

Our lips connected, panting and out of breath. Cupping my cheek, he kissed my lips, my nose, then my lips again. “Don’t ever ask me to let you go because I would, even if it would cost me everything.”

I doubt
ed I could ever walk away, but I kept that fact to myself. My thoughts were all over the place. If I could only get over what had happened in the past—his marriage, Amelia—it would make my life my much easier.

“Do you want me to run us a bath? You could lean against me while I give you a massage.” He was grinning, stroking my cheek as if he truly cherished me.

“Can I do a rain check? I have to get back home.” I hadn’t been to my flat since I had come back from Kent. I’d been living here this whole time.

He looked taken aback.
“You’re not staying the night?”

“No
. I was thinking of packing some items to bring here and coming back tomorrow morning. I hope that’s okay?” Why was he reacting this way? It wasn’t as if I was actually going partying after this. Besides, I was aware I’d been doing it just to taunt him. He was right; I would never have the guts to do it because I was his, and I simply loved him too much.

“Oh…”
His face softened before touching his lips against mine, brushing them lightly before whispering into my ear, “We can go together and sleep the night in your flat if you like.”

When he became this amorous towards me, I melt
ed like a sappy idiot.

“I’m not going out…” My nose angled
to the base of his neck, breathing him in, wanting to prolong this feeling—this overabundance of love that freely flowed through me.

His arm tightened around me, like he was just as spellbound as I was. “I know.”

Maybe one day, when things settled down, given time, he could start loving me again…

“Toby?”

“Hmm?”

“I wasn’t planning to really walk out that door to go out—” I paused, adding, “I mean
, I would if I had sought you and you hadn’t cared less…”

He pulled back to study my face. “You’re not like the others out there. You’re sentimental
,” he touched my heart, “in here.” Blue eyes searched mine, telling me something I couldn’t decipher. “You’re one of the good girls, Luce.”

Was that
a bad thing? They did say good girls got walked on… Amelia clearly wasn’t the type, so what had attracted him to her? She was beautiful, and of course, she had said that time during Christmas that they’d had amazing sex…

His dick was inside me still and he was getting hard again
. This cock had been in someone else’s vagina, pleasuring her body like it did with mine…

I knew what he’d done
, but if I broke it down like that, the pain only intensified.

“Did I say something awful? You seem to be in pain…” he asked, worried as he lifted my chin, searching for some indication.

I was in pain, but my wounds weren’t visible—the kind that didn’t heal, the kind that never stopped bleeding, the kind that killed you yet you remained alive. It
was
that
kind of pain.

Staring into the eyes of the man I
had given my heart to, I couldn’t help asking the question that nagged in the back of my mind. “How was sex with her? Was it better than this?”

“This is such an inconvenient time to ask such questions—I’m stuck inside you, incase that left your notice.”

“Just answer the question.”

“It’s different.”

Why was he stalling? He knew what I wanted to know.

“Define different for me.”

He groaned, hating every second of this interrogation. “She was experienced in different styles,” he said wretchedly. “I don’t know…
it’s just different.
”

If Amelia had managed to keep Blake Knightly entertained for months
, then she probably was a dynamite in bed.

“And that excited you
, didn’t it?” Like giving a kid chocolate for the first time.

He suddenly looked nervous before finally obliging me, “I suppose
, in the beginning.”

So much for pining for our broken relationship
; he’d fucked himself through it all.

“Did you use condoms at least?”

My question was intrusive, but had it been me in the situation, I knew he’d be worse than me. Blake was meticulous about protection until Sienna—so for Toby to go with or without it with Amelia—it would give me a better scope of how deep his connection was with her.

“Lucy—”
he warned, turning a bit red.

“Did you? Or did you not?” It was plain and simple.

“No, she was on the pill,” he huffed out, irritated at my nagging. “No more questions; I’m done answering.”

I had one more
then I would be through with this. “I just need to know one more thing…”

Shutting his lids, nostrils flaring, chest heaving
, he said, “Go on, ask me.”

“Courchevel. Christmas. Did you fuck her there
, too?”

His eyes immediately snapped open. “Let me explain—”

“There’s no need. I just want to know the outcome. You did, didn’t you? While I was only a few doors down from your bedroom…” I was digging my grave and I knew it, but this detail was important for me. It was vital.

“Yes…
I did, and I’m sorry for that.”

I nodded, feeling sick to my stomach. I had waited every night for him to seek me out, but he
had never come. That was the first time I had seen him after we’d broken up, and I had seen him with a new woman at his side. That was when he’d really broken my heart, and it had never the same since.

“I need to go to the bathroom—” The acid churned in my stomach. It agonizingly simmered
, mixing along with my pain, boiling until it was ready to erupt.

“
Now
?” He panicked as he pulled off me before cradling my body towards the bathroom. “Tell me what to do—” he said frantically while I shook my head, covering my mouth with my hand.

Hovering around the toilet area, I managed to hold down the vile that
was threatening to come out. “Close the door. I need to be alone.”

He did as I asked.
At the sound of the door latch locking in place, all the sickening, evil retched out of my stomach. Everything came out—the past, the present and the future—until I was left with nothing, like an empty carapace.

You’ll always be this way if you stay with him
, my heart whispered like a warning.

I wished I knew what to do. In a sense
, I knew what the
right
thing to do was, but my main problem was how to go about it without hurting myself more. I knew what it felt like not having him in my life. True, I had been living, but that was all it had been, living and breathing. With him came the pain and heartache, yet I had never felt more alive, and at times, when I let it, we were happy.

The knock on the door made me flush the toilet before reaching out for a face towel. I was on my feet when the door pushed open and
then remained hovering around the entrance, looking as bad as I did.

“Is there anything I can do to help you?” he asked in a hollow voice.

I shook my head, reaching for the faucet to wash my face. “I’ll be fine.”

Once I finished, I felt him move to the side, giving me space without saying anything.

Dizzy from exhaustion, I strode straight to the bedroom and slid into bed, curling like a ball as I closed my eyes, hoping I’d wake up tomorrow and the sorrow in my heart would no longer exist.

The bed dipped before I felt his warm body next to mine, pulling me against his chest
, hugging me from behind. His warmth brought comfort, making me feel secure and safe. At that moment, I desperately needed to know that he would be there for me, and I was glad that he was.

“There are not enough words to tell you how sorry I am. I wish there
was something I could do to make everything go back to the way we were. I hurt when you hurt,” he said succinctly. “I hope this doesn’t make you leave me again. Give me time to make this right; I won’t stop until we’re back to how we once were. Don’t give me up just yet, I beg you.”

“Just hold me,” I whispered. “Please.”

All night he held me. Not once letting me go. I took that as I sign. That maybe we just needed time to heal together.

+++

The next day, Toby decided to take a day off from work and go with me to my flat in Covent Garden. He had just hired an assistant the other day. He’d also found an office building close to where Blake’s South Bank was located, so that was brilliant for convenience. He had also asked Chad to do most of the interior decorating. Everything was coming along, and I was thrilled for him and the next step he was embarking on for his future.

After last night’s ordeal, he became more attentive. He would always reach out for my hand, kissing me whenever he could—the little things that counted most, he did right.

And, in a way, driving back to my flat with him looking at me with that
look of awe
felt like that first night we’d dated.

“Just like the old times
,” Toby announced the second we opened the door, walking inside. “This place holds mostly good memories.”
That
made me smile. At least we had something in common.

“Yeah. It sure does.”

He spun around in the living room, pulling me towards him. “Two years worth of fighting and making love mostly done in this apartment. I remember the first time I came here and never came out until five days later… Do you remember any of that, Luce?”

Funny how I
had been just thinking that earlier…

“How could I forget?” I gazed at him and butterflies immediately went amuck in my belly.

“We couldn’t get enough of each other.”

“Yes, the good
, old days,” I agreed with a ting of sadness.

There we stood
, in the middle of the room staring at each other, before he broke the spell after a minute.

“Do you still have those videos?” he asked
, cocking his head to the side, searching.

What was he talking about?

“What?”

He barely glanced at me as he went through my DVD collection. “
Of you and me?
Random videos that we took of each other and made into a movie?” he gave me the rundown before it clicked in my ever so slow functioning brain.

He was talking about
that
. Why was he looking for it? That video was an embarrassment… for my part anyway.

“Somewhere in the room…
I think,” I reluctantly said. “Why?”

“I was thinking that maybe we should watch it.”

The signature weak-in-the-knee smile appeared, and for a second, I was entranced… until I remembered how pathetic I had been in the video. “Maybe someday, but not tonight.” Maybe never.

He brought his arm to his chest as if I
had just shot him. Dramatic he surely was. “Let’s walk down memory lane together. Maybe it would do us both good.”

Not at my expense
, we wouldn’t.

“We have photos
,” I kindly suggested, hoping he’d take the bait.

“I want that video, Luce
. Please?”

Drat, he looked desperate for it.

“Why do you want it so badly? We don’t have to watch it now.” I was beyond ridiculous in that thing.

“Because
, after last night…” He trailed off, searching my eyes. “If you’re thinking—maybe even considering—leaving me, I just want you to see what it was like for us to be happy again, in case you had forgotten.”

That video…

“I never said I was leaving, Toby.”

“But you never said you were staying
, either.”