Choices (28 page)

Chapter 40

An hour and one full stomach later I’m lounging on the couch watching One Tree Hill reruns-my biggest guilty pleasure.

             
“Well, I’ve got to go. But this turned out to be a success. You got a lot of nice things.”

             
“Thank you so much Meg. You’re the best, best friend ever. It was a wonderful party. And yes, I got some great stuff.” My mother and Grammy got me a bassinette, car seat and a few other important items that are needed before Kylie arrives.

             
I get up to give her a hug but she puts her hand up to stop me and leans down to kiss me on the cheek. “It was my pleasure. I love ya girl. See you later.” She waves as she leaves the room. After she leaves, I curl up on the couch and crash.

             
With graduation approaching, and me being back in school, I find it harder these days to concentrate on anything including school work. I see Nick in the halls and sometimes at lunch but he barely acknowledges me. I have the last half of school off. Sometimes I hang out at the café until Carter’s shift is over, other times I go home and sleep. Though driving this late in my pregnancy proves to be difficult but at least I’m not driving a stick. My mind wanders back to the day of my driving lesson with Carter. It makes me smile remembering our intimate moment.

             
“Mason and I are going to the movies tonight. Do you and Carter want to come?” Meg asks as we’re walking to our lockers.

             
“I don’t know yet, I’ll ask.”

             
“Your birthday is this weekend. The big one-eight.”

             
“I know crazy huh?” I put my books up and close my locker, feeling tired. Apparently it’s normal to be exhausted all the time. I can be doing absolutely nothing and just all of a sudden I get so fatigued, my energy drains to nothing. This has got to get better. I’ve only got a little over a month left. I’d like to enjoy it if possible.

             
“What are you doing for your birthday?”

             
“I’m having dinner with my parents and Carter’s family. And then Carter has something planned that night.”

             
“Oooo lala. Carter’s going give you another lesson, isn’t he?” Meg teases.

             
“It’s not like that.” Is it? “I mean, I’m sure he just wants to spend a night alone with me on my birthday. It doesn’t always have to be about sex ya know.” Not that I’m complaining, we still have unfinished business but just being with him is enough for me. I smile stupidly, ignoring the jokes my best friend makes. And so what if we do naughty things? I’ll be 18 and legal in a few days. If I wasn’t having a baby, I’d be moving out on my own. I guess that idea is out the window for a while. I’ll never get to experience life as an eighteen year old. College life is out of the question as well. I shake the thoughts out of my head since it’s too late to dwell on the “what ifs”, things I can’t control.

             
“What’s wrong? You know I was just giving you shit right?”

             
“Yeah, I’m fine. I gotta go.” I leave for the day, wanting to sleep off this negative energy that is nagging the back of my mind. “I’ll see you later.” I hear her calling my name but I don’t answer her.

             
Dear Journal,

             
It’s been great, so far. Carter started teaching me to drive stick shift because no one found it necessary to teach me. We only covered the basics that first day. It was definitely an experience to say the least, *wink* but when we got back to my house, my lovely group of amazing women had put together a baby shower. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I was so thankful for the surprise. A few days later, Carter took me out again to learn more. I think I’m getting the hang of it. I only stalled out a few times.  Shifting gears is easier than I thought but I’ve got a bit of a heavy foot right now. But Carter is a really good teacher so I think after time, I’ll be a pro. Thank God for his patience. My eighteenth birthday is this weekend, tomorrow actually. A lot of thoughts have been running through my mind and to be honest, I’m really scared of what’s to come. Scared I won’t be a fit mother that Kylie would be better off with someone else. Someone who can give her a real life, someone who can provide for her. What do I have to offer her? Well, I’m getting emotional now so it’s time to end this entry. Oh, yeah I’m really looking forward to being done with this weepy shit! I have another appointment soon and then every week I’ll be going to the doctor until baby Kylie arrives. It’s getting closer.

             
Gracie

I take a deep breath, close my eyes and put my journal away. I guess I can’t think too much when I’m sleeping. I get out of my desk chair and crawl into bed, hoping the darkness will consume me into a slumber.

              “Gracie.” I hear a voice and stir for a moment. Once it’s quiet again, I fall back asleep briefly. “Gracie, wake up honey.” My eyes flutter opened, and I blink a few times. Morning. The light fills my room and I sit up. My mother is sitting on my bed.

             
“Happy birthday sweetheart.” I fake a smile and moan under my breath as I lean on her shoulder. Happy eighteenth birthday to me. Whoop-di-fucking-do! I don’t feel different.

             
“Thanks mom. I’m not feeling my birthday. Can I go back to sleep now?” She pats my hand.

             
“I know this is not how you imagined spending your birthday. But you’ve got to remember, it could be worse.”

             
She’s right. I know she’s right. Others have it worse than me and I’m sitting here whining like an asshat. I have family, great friends, roof over my head, clothes on my back and enough food to feed an entire village. It could be worse. I’ll find a way to make it worse.

             
This time when I smile, it’s for real. “Thank you mom. You always make me see the positive side to life.” I link my arm through hers, laying my left leg on her lap. She nudges my nose.

             
“That’s what mothers are for. And one day, you’ll get to share the wisdom with your sweet girl.” I smile and hope she’s right. “Now, you should get up and do something-it is your birthday after all.”

             
“Yeah, but I’ll wait until we go out later. I kind of want to just stay home and chill out for now.”

             
“Can I fix you some breakfast?” She asks, determined to pull me out of my funk.

             
“Okay…sure, thanks.”

             
“Happy birthday Gracie.” Tyler jumps up on my bed to give me a hug.

             
“Thanks lil man.” He hands me an envelope. “What’s this?” I ask him inspecting it. It has pictures drawn on the back. I open it and take out the card and start reading it. I smile at his handwriting and how creative it looks. He drew a picture of me with a small item that looks like a ball…but I think it’s supposed to be a baby. He’s also standing there next to me smiling. It’s really cute. “Wow, you should be an artist Ty. This is really good for your age.” I give him a hug and kiss on the head. “Thank you.”

             
“I don’t think it’s that good. But maybe I will get better.”

             
“You can take art classes when you get older, they have them in high school, middle school too I think.” He smiles wide and jumps off my bed.

             
“I hear there’s a birthday girl somewhere. Have you seen her?” I hear my father’s voice from the hall and smile. I look at Tyler and put my finger to my mouth to pretend like I’m sleeping as I lay back on my bed, covering my body in my comforter. “Where is she? Gracie? Where is my legal adult daughter now?” I try to lie completely still but I feel the bed concave under his weight as he sits not even inches from my butt. Then he leans back and pretends to stretch and I know he knows I’m there. Oh he’s just mean. “I know you’re there and wide awake, you may as well come out from hiding.” I have no choice, other than the fact that he’s practically laying on me and it’s hard to miss a body, I’m getting hot under the covers.

             
“Fine, you caught me.” I lift the covers off of me and my hair sticks up all over the place. I can smell the dirty that is me. I need a shower.

             
“Happy birthday baby girl.” He kisses my cheek and gives me a big hug.

             
“I’d stay at a distance. I need a shower.” He laughs.

             
“You ready for our dinner tonight? I think you’ll have a blast.” I know I will. I’ll get to see Carter and his amazing family. That is the only thing making this day bearable. Oh yeah, it could be worse. I have got to stop being a whiny ass.

             
“Yes, I’m ready. Where are we going?” I secretly hope for Italian, like Olive Garden.

             
“Wherever you want, it’s your day.” He nods to the card from my brother. “What’s that?”

             
“A card from Ty.” I show him and he nods.

             
“Oh yeah, I remember him drawing this. He is pretty good.”

             
“I told him he should take art classes in school when he gets older. You never know, he may become an artist and travel the world. How cool would that be?”

             
“Very cool. Now go take a shower, you stink. Then come down and have some breakfast.” I hug my dad, thankful for great loving parents. I hope I’m as good a parent to Kylie as they’ve always been to me. My mind briefly wanders to Nick, wishing things were different and he wasn’t so selfish. But then I think about his mother-evil bitch and I feel bad for him. He’s old enough to make his own choices now but he chooses to be babied. Whatever.

             
I get up and get my stuff ready for a shower. I take my time and scrub and scrub and scrub some more. Wash my hair several times and condition it. The warm water beats down on my body, and I almost switch it to scalding hot but don’t. The warm water is enough to wash away all of my thoughts and I don’t have time to concentrate on anything. But I do picture Carter in the shower with me, washing my body and I feel tingles all over my skin. I love showers but it’s even better when someone is scrubbing your body for you, washing away all of the dirt with their hands. And his hands would do magic on my body. That’s hot. I shake my crazy mind empty and finish my shower.

             
The rest of the day takes forever to pass. I do nothing but lie on the couch and watch movies with my brother. But it’s fun because he likes a lot of movies I like. He’s an action movie buff. We watch Transformers, Resident Evil, Underworld, which I have an obsession with Kate Beckinsale in her all black attire. I have to say, she’s pretty hot in that getup. Yes, I have a girl crush and no, I don’t feel ashamed admitting it. She’s a bad ass actress and really hot. If I was into girls, I’d be stalking her. Just sayin. But really, I just wish I looked hot in that outfit like her, so it’s more of an envy type thing.

             
“Okay what’s next?” My phone beeps and I pick it up from the couch beside me.

             
Meg:
Happy Birthday best friend. I love you.

             
Me:
Wow, you remembered. LOL Just kidding. Thank you. I love you too.

             
Meg:
What are you doing?

             
Me:
Nothing, watching movies with Ty. Getting ready for dinner tonight.

             
Meg:
I’ll bet. I know what Carter has planned, ha. Have fun. *wink*

             
I sit there staring at my phone, waiting for her to elaborate. She doesn’t and I text her back.

             
Me:
Well, what does he have planned?

             
Silence. I wait for another ten minutes and still nothing. Seriously? That’s evil.

             
Me:
You’re a bitch. Love you.
I put my phone down and take a nap.

             
Trying to decide what to wear used to be pretty hard because I always wanted to look somewhat presentable when going out and certain things wouldn’t fit right. However, being pregnant has really made dressing up easy since there aren’t too many outfits I can really wear these days. Although, I’ve seen some nice outfits at the mall that were flattering. Pretty soon I’ll have to wear those bras that help the leakage of milk. I’m really not looking forward to that. But it is what it is.

             
I settle on my gray sweater dress and black leggings. It’s nice outside but my legs have not been shaved much in a couple months, being lazy and all. I also haven’t had a pedicure due to my swollen ankles and the fact that I can’t really bend down to do them. So I grab my nice black dress boots that go close to my knees. After applying my makeup and fixing my hair, I glance at my reflection in the mirror. My bulging belly is growing on me and I can’t help but feel happy. It’s my birthday, a time to celebrate with my family and friends. It dawns on me that I haven’t heard from Carter all day. A feeling of disappointment wipes away the smile, but I quickly plaster it back on. This is my day, dammit. I will have fun.