Choices (23 page)

Chapter 48

I’m sitting at the bar in the kitchen, talking to my mom while she cooks breakfast. Jenna is coming over, and we’re going shopping later this afternoon.

The summer is almost over, and I’ve been home since last Christmas. For the rest of the world, life went on. A whole semester has passed me by while I tried to put myself back together. Yes, I was broken, and some of the pieces didn’t quite fit back together. But they are all there, held together by love and sheer determination.

With her back to me, my mom says, “Are you ready for this, Quincy?” What she really wants to know is if I’m going to be OK, if I’m going to fall apart again.

“Mom, I’m ready. I need to do this.”
If I don’t do it now, I may never leave again.
“Don’t worry. I’ll always be your little girl, and I’ll always need you.” I smile, and I really feel like things are going to be better.

We’ve grown so close over the last few months, my mom, my dad, and I. We are the
only people who know what we’ve been through and where we’re going. We are survivors. We have regrets. We have questions. And the pain never fully fades away. But we go on. Because we have no choice.

I r
ealize Mom has turned toward me and with tears in her eyes, she says, “Just live, Quincy. Go out there, do what makes you happy, and just… live.”

Before I can answer, Jenna bounces into the room. “Something smells good in here!” She first hugs me, then my mom. Maybe Jenna is the glue that holds us all together.

“Let’s eat and get this show on the road.” Always happy, always smiling. She’s just my Jenna. I love her, and I don’t have to feel guilty about that anymore. Katie loved her, too.

We go shopping, and Jenna is more excited than I am. Sh
e finally gets me to go to the mall, and she’s taking me back to school. I have missed having her with me every day, but I had to learn to be on my own before I could live with someone else.

“So, are you really OK with this?” Her eyes squint in concern, scrutinizing my reaction. She doesn’t miss much.

“Jenna, if you want the truth, I am scared shitless.” I take a deep breath, and when Declan and Brody flash through my mind, my heart hurts just a little. “I did a good job screwing things up, but I’m ready to move on.”

“Q, it’s never too late for forgiveness.”
Ouch
.

“I could never ask for forgiveness. I’m not ready for that.” I am still fragile, and I
can sometimes feel the glue straining.

“What I’m saying is that everyone else has already forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself, girlfriend.”
I want to believe that. And I want to try. I really do.

Jenna has never mentioned Brody or Declan.
I can’t bring myself to ask about either of them. I just don’t think I could stand hearing about all of the girls Brody has been screwing around with. And I expect that Declan has some sweet girl he’s just crazy in love with, someone who is good to him in return.

She is still dating Eric, and things are going great with them. The weekend they went to Asheville? They got
lavaliered! It’s a big deal when a fraternity guy gives you his Greek letters. Eric really did have something wonderful planned, and I respect him even more for making things special for Jenna. She worried so much over nothing. And now, she’s so happy, she literally glows.

After shopping, w
e drive toward UT. As we get closer to campus, the dread slips away, giving way to excitement. I smile as I remember our first drive here, how sure I was that my life was going to change. I was escaping my past, hoping to leave it all behind. Now, I carry it with me, knowing it’s what makes me who I am.

When I walk back into our room at Baxter, I realize Jenna has kept it just the same, as if she always knew I’d come back. A few tears roll down my cheeks as I take it all in.
I’m home
.

Jenna goes grocery shopping, and I decide to take a nap. She has some back to school party she’s wants to go to. She wants me to go, but I’d rather stay home and read a book or watch TV. I’m back at school, but I just don’t know if I’m ready to dive into the deep end w
ithout swimming lessons.

“Come on! You are going tonight, no matter what you say!”
Jenna excitedly wakes me from my nap. I really don’t feel like going anywhere. I’ve kind of enjoyed relaxing in our room.

“Qui
nce, what you need is a new beginning, maybe meet a good man… It’s a new semester and it might be nice to see some old friends.” That’s enough to lure me out. But what if I see one of
them
? That’s enough to send me running back to Collier, to the safety of the walls I’ve painstakingly built. But I’m taking one small step at a time.

I take a moment to look down at my wrist, my bracelet that now has two charms, mine and Katie’s. They fit together perfectly, though they were never meant to be worn together. I will survive.

“I’m coming. I’m coming. I said I would, didn’t I? If this ends badly, you’ve had it. I’m serious, Jenna.” She doesn’t really understand, and I get that. She’s eager to have her best friend back. And I am ready to be back.

As I put on make-up for the first time in
months, I think that I look really good. There’s nothing a little black dress and strappy sandals won’t fix. I look like a real person, not someone trying to pretend to be alive.

“Who are you trying to convince, then?
You are ready for this! Let’s go!”

As we walk into The Players Lounge, I feel as if I’m stepping back in time. So many things have changed for me, but so much has remained the same for the rest of the world. I instantly recognize the smell that is distinctly Players: smoke, sweat, and a mixture of perfume and cologne. And for the first time tonight, I think this might be fun.

The club is so packed, I’m not even sure we can get up to the bar to get our drinks. Jenna pulls me through the crowd, and I’m glad to have someone to hold onto. I nervously search faces for anyone I know. I am instantly filled with both relief and regret when I don’t recognize anyone.

Just as that thought crosses my mind, there
he
is. Standing right in front of me, unblinking. He nods. “Hey, Quince.” And with those two words, I feel…. relief. I’ve had dreams about this moment. And this is not like I imagined. Where is the hurt, the shame, the regret?

I stand still. I’m staring.
Stop staring. Say something.
Jenna gives my hand a tug, and I see the question in her eyes.
Yeah, I think I’m going to be just fine.

“Hi.
It’s good to see you.” It doesn’t matter that my heart is in my throat, and my hands are trembling. I think I manage to sound calm, and I hope my mouth doesn’t betray me.
Gosh, he’s still beautiful
.

“Just here to catch up with everybody before school starts
.” His eyes search mine. “Quince, how are you?" He asks. That voice, it has haunted me, comforted me, and caressed me in my dreams. It washes over me with a familiarity I am ashamed to admit. But it doesn’t hurt me, and that should count for something.

“Doing
good. Better than good, you know? Good to see you. Jenna and I are….” I don’t know what I wanted to say, but those words I had planned so carefully in my head were stuck in my throat. I realize I’m not sure I really mean them anymore. “Well, we’re, uh, headed to the bar. It’s good to see you doing well.” Jenna tugs my hand, and I turn toward the bar. As I look back over my shoulder, I imagine I see sadness reflected in his eyes. But in that moment, I know I can move on. I take a deep breath and turn toward Jenna.

“Damn, girl. What was that about? You’re not going to want to leave now, are you?” Jenna asks. I look up into her eyes, and I see nothing but good intentions. She is worried, so I smile. “I’m fine. I’m just fine, Jenna. Let’s go get that drink.” I’m trying to reassure her, letting her know that I’m going to be OK. She squeezes my hand and starts pushing through the crowd again.

Standing at the bar, I feel eyes on me. My scalp prickles, and I take a deep breath as I look around. I scan the crowd, but I don’t see anyone I know. When I turn back to order my drink, that’s when I see
him
. Ah, here it comes. All of the emotions I expected to feel earlier, I am feeling them now. Fear, shame, pain, and… love. Pure, flawed, crazy love. The music fades, and the room suddenly feels small. I don’t see anyone but him. He’s watching me watching him. And it feels like the very first time I saw him. It feels as if the rest of our story never happened. His face is blank. I expected hurt, even anger, but I didn’t expect indifference. And somehow, that feels worse. As tears prick my eyelids, I turn to Jenna. She’s watching me, and this time, she knows that I’m not OK. She squeezes my hand again. I look back, wondering if I should speak…. And he is gone.

I breathe deeply, trying to control the trembling. “Don’t. Don’t do it, Quince. He’s gone. Let’s just get a drink, and then we’ll talk about it.”
Oh, it hurts
. Eight months wasn’t long enough.

“Quince.”
I feel his breath on my neck. I know he’s behind me. I can smell him, that exotic scent I would recognize anywhere. But I don’t want to turn around. I’m afraid he’ll vanish again. I’m afraid to face him.

As I turn, his hands are suddenly on my shoulders, shaking me, forcing me to look at him. I haven’t spoken. I’m no
t even sure I can. “I hate you,” he says. I can’t breathe. I might pass out. Even though I didn’t think it was possible, a little more of me is dying inside. I can’t move as I am held hostage by his eyes. Indifference has been replaced by anger. I’m aware of Jenna trying to pry his hand from my arm, but I can’t hear what she’s saying.

“I hate you, Quince. I hate you because when I saw you just now, I still thought you were the most beautiful girl in the room.” Just as suddenly as he had grabbed me, he lets me go. He is walking away, and all I know is that I have to stop him.

“Don’t! Don’t go!” I yell. He stops, and my heart quits beating as he turns to look at me over his shoulder. My voice fades to a whisper as I plead for forgiveness with my eyes. “I choose you.”

Epilogue

I smile when I look at my phone and see Brody’s name.
There was a time when I thought I would never see that again. The last few weeks, we haven’t seen each other much, but we’ve talked every spare moment we’ve had.

“Hi, Brody.”
The words gush out of me, and I wonder if he can hear the smile on my face.

“Quince, do you have plans tonight?” His voice is playful, as if it hides a secret. I want to know all of his secrets.
I want him to know mine. I don’t want to hide anything from him ever again.

“Not that I know of.
Why?”
Will I ever get tired of his voice?

“I have a surprise for you. Can you be ready in an hour? And we aren’t going hiking
this time, so dress however you like.” He loves torturing me.

“Have
n’t I ever told you how much I hate surprises?” I giggle, knowing that it won’t change his plans. I’m not even sure it’s true anymore. It feels like a lifetime ago, but I loved his last surprise.

At least he gave me more time to get ready this time. I shower, shave my legs, and wash my hair. Since I have no idea where we’re going, deciding what to wear is the hardest part. I try to find something versatile, so I decide on a long tunic with black leggings. A few months ago, I would have said you were crazy if you had told me I would ever care what I looked like again. But I still go light on the make-up. Just enough to accentuate my features and a little lip gloss to make me kissable. Heeled wedge sandals give me some added height, and I am ready to go. Thirty minutes early. So, I change my hair. I know Brody likes it when I wear it loose, so I roll it on big rollers and allow it to hang down my back.

I am so restless I would like to wait for him downstairs. But I don’t want to look desperate, so I pace in the room instead. And when my phone vibrates with a message, I smile, and grab my purse. I’m out the door before I even read his message.

Brody: Your prince awaits you.

When I see him, he takes my breath away. Dressed in slacks and a blue button down shirt, he stuns me. His hair is unruly, curling over his brow. When he absently runs his hand through it and turns toward me, I am pinned in place by his beautiful blue eyes. He doesn’t take them off me as I approach
. Please, don’t let me fall.

His smile is timid, almost uncertain. Shifting foot to foot, he looks uncomfortable, and I wo
nder if it’s possible to fall in love with someone more than once. He holds out a beautiful bouquet of wildflowers. Looking into my eyes he asks, “Quince, will you go out with me?”

I am speechless.
And bewildered. “What?” I search his eyes for an answer. “I don’t understand.”

“I’m afraid we started out on the wrong foot. I denied you something you de
served.” Another timid smile. “Our first date, Quince. I never took you on a date. So tonight, I’m asking. Will you go out with me?” He nervously fidgets as he holds the flowers out to me again.

I can barely see him through the tears that fill my eyes. “Yes, of course I’ll go out with you!” I take the flowers and throw my arms around his waist. When I bury my head in his chest, I take several deep breaths, hoping he doesn’t see my sudden show of
girliness. Hoping this isn’t a dream that I wake from.

His arms catch me when I barrel into him, and I can feel his heart pounding against my face. He is so adorable when he’s unsure of himself.
And that probably doesn’t happen often.

“Things were moving so quickly that I missed the deta
ils. I know every inch of your body. But I don’t know nearly enough about you. I want to know your heart. What is your favorite color? What is your favorite movie? I want to know every detail, no matter how small. When you need someone to talk to, I want to be that guy. I want to comfort you and take care of you. I want you to trust me. And I want you to believe.”

“In what?”
I cannot seem to form a coherent sentence.
Who is this Brody?
Can I keep him?

“In me.
In us.” He takes a deep breath and pulls away from me. Looking down, I see love in his eyes. “You’re my girl. The girl who played in the rain. I was looking for you before I ever even met you. I love you, Quince.”

“I love you, too. So much more than you will ever know.”

Walking hand in hand, I feel as if I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I now know that it wasn’t Brody’s fault that I never opened up to him. I wanted him to think I was perfect, like I had been my whole life.
Turns out, p
erfect doesn’t exist.

My heart still aches when I think of Katie. Someone sent me a card that said:
Losing a sibling is like losing a part of yourself. It’s because they were there when you were becoming yourself.
No truer words have ever been spoken.

I will never stop missing Katie.

I will never stop hoping that I can make things right.

Guilt
is a funny thing. At first, it eats you alive. But as time goes on, it becomes easier to live with. The fear of losing something special, though, it never fades away.