Chosen Heart (50 page)

“First of all, I was telling you
the truth when I said I don’t do this.  I don’t do relationships! 
She was never a girlfriend.  We did exactly what she wanted….we
fucked.  That’s it!  There was never any emotion, never joy. 
You are a once in a lifetime for me, which is why I pick you.  Just as you
told me before, I would pick you in any scenario and I’m picking you now. 
I’m picking us over this entire fucked up situation.  I’m doing this
because I fucking love you.”  Alex yells, crouching on the floor with his
fingers knotted behind his neck. “You may not want to hear it or believe it,
but I love you with everything I have left inside me; everything that hasn’t
already been tainted or taken from me.  I don’t know how much of a heart I
have left, but what’s left…it belongs to you.”

My breathe hitches and I clutch
my chest at his admission.  Looking into his eyes, I whisper, “You love
me?”

“Yes…I absolutely adore
you.  I want nothing more than to wake up with you every morning and to
fall asleep with you in my arms.  You’re the first thing I think of when I
wake up and the last thought before I go to sleep.  Even in my dreams
you’re there, you have completely taken over every aspect of my being. 
Please say you can get past this…I never wanted to hurt you.  Please
Elyssa…” Alex begs as he crawls towards me.

No longer wanting to talk, I
scramble to wrap my arms around him.  Bringing our lips together with such
force, passion erupts with each movement of our lips.  Hastily, I reach
for the button on his shirt and pry each one open and brush his shirt off of
his shoulders and down his arms.  Alex’s hands are completely focused on
the hem of my shirt as he tears it off. 

“Bed please,” I breathe into his
mouth as he continues to suck on my lower lip.  Hurriedly, Alex rises from
the floor, still holding onto my thighs as I wrap my legs around him. 
Making our way down the hall, we brush against each wall as we make our way to
his bedroom.

Stumbling onto his bed, Alex
positions me on top and slowly removes my bra, revealing my bare, aching
breasts.  “God…I need you,” he breathes.  Pushing against his bare
chest, I step down from the bed and stand between his legs. 

Unbuttoning my jeans and slipping
them past my knees along with my panties, I step out of my clothes.  Alex
takes a deep breath as he takes in the sight of my naked body.  “What are
you doing?” 

“Do you want me?” I ask
seductively.

“More than I’ve wanted anything
else,” he shares, completely in awe.

“Do you think of her when you’re
with me?”

“Her who?”  I grin at his
correct response.

Standing in front of him, I begin
slowly dragging my hand across my belly, up my torso to my breasts. 
Gently tugging on my nipples, I caress myself as I stare into Alex’s
eyes.  “What are you doing?” Alex inhales.

“I refuse to have your thoughts
filled with another woman touching herself in your presence.  So…I’m
replacing those thoughts with visions of me…touching myself…thinking of you.”

My hand slowly reaches down
towards the apex of my thigh, my index finger slowly massages my clit as I
continue to pinch and tease my nipples.  “God Alex…” I moan and continue
the slow torture.  My eyes close as I feel my knees weaken
slightly.   Suddenly, I’m being lifted.  Alex places me on top
of him, straddling his now bare shaft.  “Make love to me.”

He exhales, thrusting upward so
that he’s deep inside.  Rolling my hips, I continue to grind against him
as my climax builds. 

“Say it, Elyssa,” he begs.

“I want you, Alex.”

“No…say what I want to hear.”

“Fuck, you feel so good. 
Please don’t stop...”  My body is peaking at the sound of our bodies
moving together, as we lose ourselves.

“Then say it!” he growls.

“What do you want me to
say?  I’ll do anything.”

“Tell me you love me.”  My
eyes shoot open, meeting his gaze as our bodies still.  “Say it because
you mean it, not because I’m asking you to.”

“I love you,” I whisper against
his lips as I begin to move against his body again.  Rolling my hips back
and forth; Alex’s breath ragged as he clutches my body close to his.  “I
love you, Alex.  I’ve never…”  A loud moan escapes my lips as I
climax.  Gripping my hips, Alex continues to grind my pelvis against his
until he finds his own release. 

Resting against his chest, our
breathing continues raggedly.  I don’t know what I would do without this
complicated man below me.  Emotionally, he has given me so much in such a
short amount of time that I need him to breathe, to feel whole.  This is
what scares me the most.  What if this is all taken away, leaving me with
nothing?  I need him just as much as he needs me.

Bringing me into an embrace, both
of our naked bodies tangle as he gently runs his fingers through my hair while
humming a sweet lullaby.  With the sweet melodic sounds rumbling through
his chest, I fall asleep in the arms of my heart, the man who moments ago
professed that he loves me.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

My mouth is dry and I’m
uncomfortably warm as I stir from my restless sleep.  Fully awake, I find
the reason why, I’m wrapped in Alex.  His leg and arm are draped over my
body, his nose nestled in my hair.  Peeling his arm and leg off, I feel
sweat glistening my skin as I hear him mumble.  Not quite making out what
he says, I resolve to let him fall back into a deep slumber. 

Tip-toeing around the room I try
not to wake him as I search for remnants of my clothing from just hours
ago.  Making too much noise as I trip over his pants, I decide it might be
easier to grab a t-shirt from his dresser.  Doing just that, I head to the
kitchen to a grab some water. 

The tile is cool against my bare
feet, which is a nice relief to the inferno I was just wrapped in moments
ago.  Making it to the kitchen, I grab a bottle of water from the
fridge.  Closing the refrigerator door, I’m startled by movement out of
the corner of my eye.  Catching myself, I turn to see Nana in her
nightgown, rubbing her sleep-drawn eyes.  I gather my bearings before
explaining my jumpiness, so as not to startle her.  “Sorry Nana, I didn’t
see you there.  Are you okay?” 

“I’m sorry, dear.  I
couldn’t sleep and thought Alex might be awake.  He doesn’t sleep well
most nights, and I can usually find him here.” 
Oh, my poor heart.
 
I know he has demons, but I wasn’t aware that he lost sleep over them.  I
don’t know why I would think any differently, though, seeing as I used to lose
sleep over mine.

“Oh, don’t worry about me. 
I wasn’t expecting to see anyone.  Sit…do you want me to get you some
water?”

Nana shuffles towards the bar
stool, taking a seat.  “No, I’m not thirsty.  Sit with me for a
moment will you,” she requests. 

Sitting on the stool next to her,
she lovingly takes my hand and places it in her lap.  “I’m feeling restless,
dear.  I’ve been so worried about Alex,” she sighs.

I know they say when you get
older you sleep less, but her tone is so disheartening.  I glance at the
clock and notice its three o’clock.  “What has you up so late
worrying?” 

“I’m getting tired…so tired. 
With each day that passes, I’m getting closer to the end of my time here on
Earth.  And with each day, I grow more restless because my Alex…well, I’m
all that he has.”  I remain silent, not knowing what to say.  Her
confession is so sweetly sad, it breaks my heart.

“Alex is always so serious, and
he’s always worrying about me.  Lately, I’ve been more of a burden than a
help to him and I don’t like this feeling of helplessness.  I know he
feels like he owes me, but I wouldn’t trade my life with him for anything in
this world. 

“I have a lot of guilt in my
heart because I didn’t intervene in the proper way when he was growing
up.  His father was an absolute monster and robbed him of his
childhood.  He went from being a punching bag for his father, to a hospice
worker, taking care of his mother.  And now he takes care of me, who in
all honesty is literally losing her mind,” she smiles, knowing how all this
must sound.

I always wondered if she was
aware of her deteriorating medical condition.  How scary it must be to
know one moment exactly where you are and what’s taking place to suddenly
experiencing confusion and only having memories of the past.  I never
realized how little I know about Alex’s childhood and the depths of his
despair.  My heart aches for my love sleeping peacefully down the
hall. 

“I meant what I said at
dinner…he’s been different since he met you.  He’s been leaving the house
more frequently, singing, and he’s constantly smiling.  That was until a
few days ago.  I’m assuming you two had a fight recently.” 
How
does she know?
  “Just cause I’m old and losing my mind doesn’t mean
I’m not perceptive when I’m coherent.”  I smile at her, admitting our
transgressions.  Alex and I had a few days of emotional distress before
San Diego, but everything has been made right.  “He was so upset during
those few days.  Alex doesn’t let people get close to him.  In fact,
you’re the first girl he’s ever brought home.” 

I can feel moisture building in
my eyes.  I look away from Nana, trying to stop the water works from
trickling down my face.  “I feel the same way for Alex.  I don’t have
too many people in my life either, and Alex has become my source of happiness
as well.”  It’s nice to know we belong in each other’s lives.  We
both need each other to fill the void we’ve had for so long.

“I’m happy to hear that because I
need you to promise me something.  Hopefully this will give me peace of
mind as I go on.”

“What is it?”  I don’t know
what she could ever ask of me, but whatever it is I could never deprive her of
her request.  Anything to give her the solace and happiness she seeks.

“Promise me you’ll take care of
my Alex if anything happens to me.  Promise me you won’t break his
heart.”  I’m frozen in place.  “He’s experienced enough pain to last
twelve lifetimes, and he deserves all of the happiness in the world.”

I pause for a moment, not knowing
how to respond.  Can I make this promise?  Almost instantaneously I
realize a promise isn’t needed.  I want to take care of Alex.  I want
to make him happy.  I want us to take care of each other.  In such a
short amount of time, he means more to me than any other person has.  “I
promise Nana, I love him.” 

Nana’s eyes look glossy as she
sits in silence for a few moments glancing around the kitchen.  Panic
quickly sets in as her eyes widen, looking at me and then at the counter. 
She doesn’t look well, like she may pass out.  I look around the room,
trying to decide if I should run and get Alex.  But, she decides for me as
she starts to speak softly, trying to get down from the stool.  

“Nana, are you okay?” 
Reaching down to help her, she suddenly grabs my arms looking at me with terror
and concern.

“Katherine, you need to leave
Gary!  He’s bad for you and definitely bad for Alexander.  I can’t
sit back and allow him to hurt either of you any longer.”  Sobs escape
Nana’s mouth as she continues.  “How can you let him continue to hurt
Alexander?  He’s so small and defenseless.  He’s brave and has such a
strong spirit, but one day Gary will destroy that.  Alexander tries to
fight him and every time he loses, getting hurt more each time.”  Shaking
in distress, she can no longer contain the sobs, placing her face in her hands
she falls into my arms.

“Anything for Alex.  I love
him.”  I avoid feeding into her delusions, instead providing some words
for solace in hopes to calm her.  Lucid or not, she needs to know my
promise is true.  I will do anything for him, because I love him, and he
loves me.  “Come now, let’s get you to bed.”

After a wonderful moment of
clarity, the fog has set in.  She’s incoherent again, talking to her
departed daughter.  Stepping down from the stool I reach out to hold her
steady, leading her towards her bedroom.  With all the care in the world,
I help her get settled and tuck her into bed. 

“Please don’t leave?!” she
pleads.

“I’m not going anywhere.”  I
hum softly as she closes her eyes and her face softens.   While
sitting on her bed, I glance around her room and admire the years of memories
she’s surrounded herself with.  Her room is filled with pictures of
herself, Alex growing up, and a woman who I’m going to assume is Katherine,
Alex’s mother.  He looks like her. 

There’s one that stands out
amongst all the others; Alex and Nana at his college graduation.  She is
beaming up at him, and he looks just as handsome then as he does now. 
Actually, Alex hasn’t aged a day since that picture was taken.  He never
ceases to amaze me.  He’s accomplished so much in such a small amount of
time, which is somewhat intimidating, when I compare my life and career to
his.  But, his determination is something to admire and work towards.

Nana begins to snore faintly as
she falls into a deep sleep.  I smile as I look over at this beautiful
woman and I’m thankful for her presence in Alex’s life.  Studying her
face, I see so many similarities between my heart and his grandmother. 
From her soft eyes to her barely noticeable dimples, they both look like
sleeping angels while they rest.  She’s been a guiding light in his
turbulent past, and I know no matter how much guilt she has in her heart, Alex
would never give up his time with her.