Chosen Heart (47 page)

“I know,” I nod as Alex continues
to move his hand up and down my spine, softly humming to me while I’m wrapped
in his arms, rocking me ever so slightly. 

“Alex…why were you drinking?”

“Doesn’t matter right now. 
What matters is making you feel safe.”

“I appreciate you being
here.  As draining as this night has been, I feel safe now.”  And I
do feel safe, safe and cared for.  I wish he would tell me what’s going on
in his head.  Something happened tonight that made him drink
heavily.  “Please talk to me,” I urge.  “I feel like you’re waiting
for things to end and this is just our beginning.  Please Alex; don’t
leave me in the dark.”

“How could I leave you in the
dark when you are my light, leading me away from the dark place I’ve been for
so long?  I promise I can be a better man.  I want to be…for
you.  Just don’t give up on me.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” 
Kissing Alex, I run my hands through his hair.  “I always want to be where
you are.  Even if I was just the girl you met at that gas station, if we
didn’t work together, I would have thought about you every day, wondering what
could have been.  It was fate that brought us together…two people
searching for their other half.”

Remaining in an embrace for quite
some time, Alex stirs and glances at the clock.  “Do you want me to
go?  If you don’t feel comfortable falling asleep with me…I’ll
understand.”

“Please don’t?!  Stay with
me; I need you,” I beg, panic setting in.  Alex sighs in relief, laying me
down.  Gently, he unclothes me, leaving my panties and bra in place and
swiftly pulls off his own clothes, leaving on his boxers.  Dragging the
comforter back, he slides in, pulling me in as close as he can.  With
Alex’s front to my back, I slowly fall asleep with a feeling of relief. 
He’s here with me and he’s not going anywhere.

Alex stirs next to me, waking me
from my sleep as I adjust to his body.  “Elyssa….I love you.”  His
sweet murmurs, while still dozing, are comforting instead of frightening this
time.  My chest tightens with an overwhelming sense of relief; relief that
he feels the same.  He’s finally said the three words I’ve been waiting
for…what I needed him to say.  How I wish he could tell me this while he’s
awake, but I know it will take time.  I turn towards him, staring at his
peaceful face and snuggle closer to him.  Wrapping my arm around his
waist, I kiss his chest directly over his heart. 

“I love you, Alex,” I whisper to
my unconscious love.  Maybe one day soon, we’ll be able to tell each other
how we feel without hiding behind the safety of slumber.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

The next morning I wake to a
sweet, deep humming sound.  Pulling me into an embrace, Alex begins to
sing softly, nuzzling into my neck.  Singing of needing me, giving his
soul to me, and becoming a better man; these promises, although in song, shake
me to my core.  I smile sweetly and stroke his bottom lip as he continues
to serenade me.  He’s singing directly to my heart and with each word from
his sweet melodic voice, I fall deeper and deeper in love with him.  After
last night, he accepts my damaged soul and I accept his. 

Even though this moment is
perfect, the thought of last night, still haunts me.  I don’t know how to
let it go.  I still don’t have an explanation for him canceling on me or
his drunken booty call.  I can’t help but feel the two reasons are linked
in some way.  The dread I feel is eating at me, and I’m desperate; I need
to know.  “Alex…”

“Hmm?”  Even his grumblings
sound sexy and masculine.

“Why were you drinking?”  I
may not want to know the answer, but not knowing is worse.  He was hurting
last night and lashed out at himself by drinking.  This isn’t the Alex I
know and love.

Automatically becoming defensive,
Alex tenses.  “Do we really have to talk about this?  We’ve only been
awake for five damn minutes.” 
Not the reaction I was hoping for.

“Why won’t you talk to me? 
Do you think so little of me that I don’t deserve an explanation?”  I know
I’m reaching here, but I not crazy thinking that I deserve an answer…right?

Alex releases me and sits up,
resting the back of his head against the headboard.  “I am my father’s
son; can’t escape the drunken bastard I’m meant to be.  I guess it’s
engrained into my DN fucking A.”  His voice elevates as he runs the palm
of his hand across the back of his neck in frustration. 

With lightening speed, I sit up
shoving his shoulder.  “Stop this shit!  You are not like your
father, Alex.  Look at me!”  I place two fingers on his chin waiting,
anger etched on my face, his face saddened and somber.  “If you’re like
your father, would you have held me last night?  Would you have protected
me from Cole?  If you are, tell me now
before
you get me pregnant,
fuck other women, and beat the shit out of me!”  I release his face, only
to see sorrow in his eyes.  I fight the urge to clasp my hands over my
mouth out of regret for saying such horrible facts about his childhood and
using them against him.  

Flinching at my harsh words, his
eyes lower to my fisted hands.  “This isn’t about you, Elyssa.  Don’t
you see?  You’re innocent and sweet and deserve a guy who had a good
upbringing and a large family; a guy who can bring you home to meet his
parents.  You only have Rachel, and you deserve to experience what a real
family is like.”  Alex pauses for a moment.  “I can’t give you any of
that!”

“You’re not answering my
question.  You think I care about having a big family?  I’ve never
had one, so why would I need more than just you and Rachel.  You aren’t
depriving me of anything, because you haven’t had that either.  Maybe I
should be asking you if you’re okay with just me and Rachel.”  I
deliberately point out he may be the one using this as a scapegoat, to be free
of me.

Alex breathes in, unable to hide
his irritation, “Calm down!  I’m not running.  Don’t ever think you
aren’t enough for me.”  His voice softens and his eyes lower, staring at
my stilled hands.  “And, I would never hurt you.” 

Taking my hand in his, he begins
to run his index finger over my knuckles. “No other woman could ever make me as
happy as you have.”  He brings my hand up, resting my palm against his
chest.  “I would never cheat on you.  And as far as you getting
pregnant, if it were to happen…I would cherish you both.  I would try to
be the best father I could be and I would tell her I love her every minute of
every day.” 

“Her?” I mumble.

“You’ve given me a lot to dream
about, Hart.  I picture us having a girl, with big green eyes, brown
hair…”  An overwhelming sense of hope builds inside of me and for a
moment, I think I forgot how to breathe.

“And dimples,” I whisper,
reaching up to touch the indents on his cheek.  

“So with that being said, how are
you like your father?  I know you’ve had a hard life.  I know you’ve
been hurt, but so have I.  We can heal together.  You have to give us
a chance and stop breaking yourself down every time something happens.  I
don’t want to hear you ever comparing yourself to a man you loathe.  A man
who didn’t love and respect your mother the way he should have.  A man who
didn’t contribute to how much of an amazing man you’ve turned out to be.”

“Elyssa, there’s so much in my
past.  So much I wish I could tell you, but I can’t.  I’m not ready,
not yet.”  He looks pained and I know I can’t push him, but we both know
he’ll need to break his silence eventually.  He already knows more about
me than anyone in my life and that’s because I trust him.  I need him to
trust me in return.

“When you’re ready, I’m
here.  But, you have to know we can’t move forward until we address our
past.  There won’t be a future for us unless we do.” 

“I know, maybe with time…” 
Obviously despondent, Alex releases me, pulling on his jeans.  “I’m sorry
for canceling on you.  And I’m even sorrier for showing up drunk and being
forceful.  I promise you it will never happen again.”  Glancing at
his watch Alex finishes getting dressed.  “I really should go, but I need
to call a cab.  That’s at least one thing I did right last night.” 

“Alex, it isn’t the only thing
you did right.  You were there for me when I needed you.  I know it
wasn’t the most conventional way of letting you in, but I’m glad I did. 
And I’m thankful you stayed.” 

Dialing the last number on his
phone, Alex pulls me into an embrace as he waits for the cab company to answer. 
After talking to the agent for a brief moment, he resolves they’ll be here in
ten minutes.  Sitting on the couch, he holds me close, nothing but the
sound of our breathing interrupts the room. 

Breaking our silence, the cab
honks its horn.  Alex promises he’ll meet me at my sister’s house, asking
me to text him the address.  

A promise, a quick kiss and a
tight embrace is all I’m left with as I stand alone in my apartment, still just
as confused as I was before.  More questions about Alex’s past remain
unanswered.  But, if I’ve learned anything it’s that patience is a virtue.
Oh, and that he loves me.  All I can do is ignore the growing need for
answers deep within me as I head off to the bathroom to get ready for a day
with my sister.

~~~~~

I sit, stirring with anxiety in
Rachel’s living room.  Time is moving as slow as the clouds move across
the sky, and I’m driving myself crazy checking the clock every two
seconds.  Alex agreed to meet me at Rachel’s house at seven and as I wait,
a silent prayer repeats over and over again in my head. 
Please let him
show…Please let him show...Please let him show. 
I’m nervous and not
just because I’m afraid he won’t show, but because Rachel and Bryan are meeting
him for the first time.  What if they don’t like him? 

When the doorbell chimes, I
nervously jump out of my seat, racing Bryan to answer the door first. 
Please
let Rachel adore him as much as I do and please, please let Bryan be on his
best behavior.
 

“How do you know it’s him?” Bryan
teases as I reach for the door, letting it swing open.  Standing at the
door is my heart.  I stare into his eyes, feeling the love passing between
us.  He smiles, releasing my gaze only to motion to the woman standing
next to him.  I’m overjoyed he felt comfortable enough to bring Nana with
him and can’t help my beaming smile as I glance between the two of them. 
Alex stays quiet, trying to gage my reaction.  I hope my silent response
is shown by the brightness in my face. 

I reach out and take Nana by her
hand.  “Hi Nana.  Do you remember me?”

“You’re Alex’s girl,
right?”  Not only is she coherent, but she knows who I am.  A sweet
smile spreads across her face as she gently squeezes my hand.  The
acceptance I feel with this simple gesture makes my heart skip a beat. 
It’s been such a long time since I’ve had anyone in my life that makes me feel
whole.  Alex and his grandmother, along with my small family, is all I
need in my life. 

“Yes, I am.  Please come
in.”  Leading her in, Alex follows closely behind.  Just inside the
door, Bryan is waiting patiently to meet them both.  “Alex, Nana, this is
my sister’s boyfriend, Bryan.  Bryan, this is Alex and his grandmother,
Molly.”

Bryan gently takes Alex’s
grandmother’s hand in his, placing a soft kiss over her knuckles.  “May I
call you Molly?”  She reacts the way any woman would and blushes at the
small token of affection, whispering softly to me about Bryan being handsome
and a gentleman. 

“Any friend of Alex’s is already
a part of my family, so please call me Nana,” she expresses.  That’s just
the kind of notion I would expect from her, but to see it, means more. 
Whatever Alex may say, or think of himself, I know he is good – because of his
grandmother.

After thanking her, Bryan turns
to Alex.  Reaching out to shake his hand, Bryan stares Alex directly in
his eyes, giving him the once over.  Not wavering, he meets Bryan’s stare,
firmly shaking his hand.  If I didn’t know them better, I would think this
was a pissing contest.  But, since I do, and rather well I might add, I
can appreciate the intrusive situation.

“So, you’re the one that has E’s
panties in a bunch?!” Bryan jokes, as he releases Alex’s hand. 
He’s
lucky my panties are still in place and not in Alex’s front pocket.

“That would be me,” he
proclaimed.  “But, apparently we both have the same affect on one
another,” Alex quips as he takes both Nana’s hand and mine, leading us, as we
follow Bryan further into the house.

“You look beautiful,” Alex leans
in, whispering in my ear.  He nuzzles against me, kissing me briefly on
the nape of my neck.  Our brief, yet intimate moment is interrupted by
Rachel’s boisterous movements as she comes bouncing in from the kitchen. 
Let
the interrogation begin.
 

Quickly determining there’s an
extra person joining us for dinner, she looks from Alex to Nana to me, smiling
all the while.  Striding over to Nana she brings her into a small
embrace.  “You must be Alex’s grandmother.”  Rachel releases her, but
still holds her shoulders at arm’s length for a moment before releasing her
back to Alex.