Chosen Heart (54 page)

“I thought you loved me for
me.  If you did, you would see through all this bullshit.  I am
telling you the truth.  I didn’t love her.  I am not, and have not,
been in any kind of relationship with her, sex or otherwise, since I met
you. 

“I’ve gotten over some major
hurdles with you and
your
past.  Why can’t you even pretend to
think about getting over mine?  Hell, I even stayed with you after Cole
said he loved you and that he was still fucking you.  Has anyone ever told
you I’m fucking someone else?”  His anger is reaching the surface and I
don’t like angry Alex.  His question doesn’t even deserve a
response.  He knows my past, so to even compare, that’s low.

“Alex I need space; time so I can
think about everything and figure out what I want.  I need you to give it
to me.”

“You don’t want me anymore,” his
anger is replaced by sadness as he looks away.

“Look at me,” as I await his blue
eyes, I resolve something inside that I already knew, but was too timid to
admit.  “I didn’t say that.  I’ll always want you.   It’s
just that I don’t know if I can get over something like this.  You’ve
given me a lot to think about.”

Alex reaches up with his left
hand, brushing his fingers against my cheek.  I cannot fight the need to
reciprocate the gesture and bring my hand up to rest on his.  “I’m sorry,
Elyssa.  I’m sorry my past disgusts you.  I’m sorry I’m not the man
you thought I was…”  Alex trails off, removing his hand from my cheek,
balling them into fists. 

“I should go.”  Standing, I
place my hands in my pockets, protection against myself to not reach back and
grab him, to make him make me stay.  As I approach my car door, I grasp
the handle, pausing momentarily.  Troubled by the recent conversation, I
say his name and he stands up in response, hope in his eyes.

“You know before this…I would
have stayed with you forever.” 

~~~~~

Lying in my bed awake, I’m unable
to fall asleep no matter how emotionally drained I am.  A concoction of
thoughts keeps replaying in my head: Alex, touching, kissing, making love to
other women and then thoughts of him saying I love you, reacquainting my body
with sexual pleasure, and San Diego.  My heart is truly torn between self
preservation and love.  Can I let go of the only man I’ve ever
loved?  His mistakes of the past are exactly that, in the past; except for
his last conquest, Arianna.  The mother figure who has been in and out of
my life since I was a child, my mother’s best friend, and now my boss. 

Restless, I stay awake staring at
the ceiling, tears streaming down my face as I contemplate my future. 
It’s late and I should be asleep, instead I pull my comforter around my neck
and sob silently, remembering a day when I rarely shed any tears.  Before
my misguided decision to let him in, I prided myself on being a self-assured,
strong woman.  Being with Alex, being one with my emotions, is probably
one of the hardest life lessons.  Growing up without parents. 
Growing up and almost becoming a parent.  Why not add one more to the
list?  Growing up knowing I’d let my one true love get away.

The buzz of my cell phone
interrupts my thoughts as I glance at my bedside table and see Alex’s face
flashing before me.  I know if I try and avoid his phone calls, he’ll just
continue to call or worse, he may show up.  I answer, not only to avoid
further conflict, but I’m hoping the sound of his voice is the cure to my
insomnia.

“Hi,” his voice is low and
somber.  “I didn’t know if you’d answer.”  He pauses for a moment,
letting his erratic breathing calm.  “I was just lying here, thinking of
you, thinking of us, and I needed to know you were okay.  That, and since
you’re not here, I can’t sleep.”

“I can’t sleep either.” 
I
miss you.
  Holding back the threatening tears, and the words I want to
say so badly, I cup my hand over my mouth.

“I miss you.”
God, why is this
so hard.  I miss him so much it hurts. 
The pain of avoidance is
more than my heart can bear.  “I wish I was there.”

“I don’t know what to say,
Alex.  I’m confused and I need time.  I just can’t brush this
off.  I know me…I know if I just give in and say how I feel, in the long
run I’ll still wonder about us; about my decisions and actions at this exact
moment.”

“How do you feel?”

“Alex please…you know how I
feel.”

“I’m not so sure right now. 
I don’t know how to function without you anymore.  I don’t know what’s
going through your head.  I told you more than I’ve ever told
anyone.  The same reason I didn’t want to tell you is the same reason you
don’t trust me.  I’m the same man that I was yesterday, the same one that
you made love to and the same man who told you he loves you.  You have to
believe in that!”

“I do, and I believe you love
me.  Just…I need time.  A few hours isn’t enough.  Maybe while
you’re in New York I will gain some perspective.  I just don’t know
Alex.”  He has to give me this.  He has to know that this is so far
out of my comfort zone that I don’t know how to deal.   

“I don’t want you going to lunch
with Oliver tomorrow.  I don’t want him thinking that you’re going to open
your legs for him.  I know him, Elyssa, and he is
that
kind of guy.”

“Ha…now you’re making me out to
be the whore?  Remember
Alex
, you are only the second man I’ve been
with.  What am I, like the two hundredth?

“That was below you.  Just
because you’re inexperienced, don’t put your insecurities on me.  I know
what I want, and I want you.  I’m secure in that.  Don’t ever
question where my loyalty lies.”

“Alex, how can I not question
everything that comes out of your mouth?  I don’t know what to believe
anymore.” 

Silence.  I want nothing
more than to curl up in a ball and rock myself to sleep.  I don’t know how
much more I can handle of this…of him.  I love him so much, but what he’s
done, and continues to do, is too much.  I can’t live in a world where I
second guess everything he says and does.  But, can I live in a world
where he doesn’t belong to me?

Breaking the silence, Alex
interrupts my internal thoughts with his demands.  “I need to know Elyssa,
and I need to know now.  In your heart…are you still taken?”

I hesitate for a moment. 
“My heart still wants you…but…”

“Just answer the fucking
question,” his temper rages.  “I have to know I haven’t lost you.  I
need to know you aren’t going to use Oliver to forget me.” 

“Alex, calm down.  In my
heart I’m still taken.  For now.  I would never be able to start
dating again so quickly after what we were.” 
Shit!  Wrong word
choice. 
I’m just going to lunch with him as a friend.” 

“Were?  Were is past
tense.  Are you seriously considering giving up on us?”  I can hear
him get up, and can almost picture him pacing back and forth
contemplating.  “I swear Elyssa, I’m not lying to you.  I’ve been
faithful and I wish you would just fucking believe me.  I don’t know what
else to do but promise that I won’t keep anything from you ever again.”

Breathing heavily, there’s a
pause in our conversation, both of us trying to figure out the right thing to
say, without making anything worse.  “God, I’m going away for a
month…what’s going to happen then?”

“I don’t know, Alex!” raising my
voice slightly, tears escape my now swollen eyes.  “I don’t know because I
wasn’t prepared for this.  I thought this month away would be
nothing.  We would see each other on the weekends and everything would be
okay.  But now!  Even if you weren’t going away, I still wouldn’t
know what’s going to happen.  I told you, I need time to think.  I
gave you that, didn’t I?”

“You did and I remember you came
after me too.  You reminded me about what was important.  You asked
me to trust you and I’m asking you for the same.”  Pausing, Alex inhales a
deep breath before exhaling his disappointment.  “Don’t you miss me? 
Don’t you feel anything for me anymore?  I know you’re scared.  I’m
scared too.  But I’m willing to work on it because I want you.  I
love you, Elyssa.”

Not knowing what to say, I remain
silent.  Alex is right, I am scared.  What if there are more dark
secrets I don’t know about.  How do I know that if I give in, this won’t
be a pattern with us?  What are we going to do about work?  What are
we going to do about Arianna?  There are so many questions still
unanswered.

“Hart….are you there?” 

I sigh.  I always love when
he uses my nickname.  “Just thinking,” I mumble.

“I wish I knew what was going on
in your head.”

Not knowing where I should go
with this, I resort to the truth.   “I’m thinking I can’t sleep
without you and how much I miss you.  I’m so confused, Alex, and I don’t
know what to do.”

“I love you, Hart…I always
will.  In my heart, I’m still taken.  No matter what you
decide.  For now, I’ll give you the space that you need.”

“Thank you.” 
I love you,
too.
  “Good night, Alex.”

“Good night, my Hart.”

Tears readily flow down my face,
as I reach within and smile at his goodbye.  I feel more at ease after
talking to him and soon my body relaxes, allowing me to close my eyes.  My
last thoughts are of Alex.  I believe him when he says he loves me, but
I’m too guarded to let the walls come down.  I’m guarded from him.  I
want to tell him how I feel.  I want to assure him everything will be
okay, but I can’t say the words if I don’t believe them myself.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Arriving at work, I search for
any traces of Alex and am comforted when I don’t see his car in his assigned
parking spot, or anywhere else in the garage.  In an effort to avoid any
emotional confrontations, I head to my desk quickly.  Relinquishing my
belongings, I check my e-mail, and blow a sigh of relief when I find nothing
from Arianna.  Hopefully, I can lay low and remain inconspicuous for the
rest of the day. 

Not my luck.  Janice comes
bounding towards my desk, all bright eyed and full of spirit.  “Hey
Elyssa!”  She looks at me sideways, probably noticing my abnormal
appearance.

“Hi, Janice.” 

“You feeling okay?”

“Just a little under the
weather.”  A little more than that, but it wouldn’t be appropriate to tell
her how I’m really feeling.  How her boss, good ole Mr. James, is a man
whore.  Oh, and why don’t we add that his mistress, is her CEO?  No,
I think I’ll stick with the lies. 

“Must be going around.  Mr.
James arrived late this morning and you know how punctual he usually is.” 
My poor heart.
  After our troubling conversation last night he
probably didn’t sleep well.  Ugh!  I hate this back and forth. 
Pick
a side, Ely.  Pick a side!

“Must be.”  My one word
answers must have clued her in that I’m not in the mood to talk.  She
dismisses herself and strides back towards her office, still as cheery as when
she came over.

Completely absorbed in work, I
wasn’t aware it was noon until a sudden knocking against my desk causes me to
swivel my chair and look behind me.  Oliver didn’t forget about our lunch,
and for a moment my eyes appreciate his efforts at being a visually appealing
lunch date.  Dressed down in a pair of khakis and a plain white polo
shirt, Oliver’s defined muscles protrude from the cotton material.  I
never realized how well kept his body was, but then again, it’s hard to pay
attention to any man when Alex’s around.  Oliver’s hair looks damp, as if
he just got out of the shower.  With his hands in his pockets, he sways
back and forth, always looking casual.

“So…you ready to go?”

Nodding, I grab my purse but
notice he’s given me just enough space to squeeze between my desk and his
body.  Brushing against him, I close my eyes and breathe.  “Cute
Oliver, very cute.” 

He smirks, knowing his exact
intentions.  “Hey, a guy has to try right?”  I can’t help but shake
my head and smirk at his playful nature.

Chatting about the day so far,
Oliver and I walk towards the elevator to head downstairs.  As the
elevator opens, my stomach catapults to my throat.  There he is, my heart,
standing solo in the vacant elevator looking totally disheveled, and utterly
disappointed.  Trying to swallow past the lump growing in my throat,
Oliver nudges me forward as he places his hand on the small of my back. 
Hesitantly, I board the elevator with Oliver close behind.

“Getting off, James?”

“Uh…actually no, I forgot
something in my car.”  Standing between Alex and Oliver, the tension
radiates and all I want to do is run away.

“Where did you want to go? 
Your choice since I’m not familiar with the area.”

“Did you have anything in
mind?  Any preferences?” 

“Oh, I have preferences. 
How about a striking brunette, about 5’7”, beautiful emerald eyes, and a body
that could stop traffic,” Oliver jests as he places his hands in his pockets,
swaying back and forth, looking at the floor numbers. 
Must be a
nervous twitch that plagues all males, present company included.