Chulito (29 page)

“I ain’t never been so close to someone in my whole life. Nobody. Not Jennifer, not even Julio.”

Chulito suspected that Brick wasn’t being completely truthful about whether he’d done the deed or not. He wanted to ask outright if anything physical happened. “What do you mean by close?”

Brick shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t really know. Like he became my best friend in the whole world. We’re connected. Here.” He placed his hand on his heart.

Chulito nodded and watched Brick who had closed his eyes and seemed to be praying. “I feel connected with Carlos like that, too, but—” Tears interrupted his words and Chulito covered his face.

Brick smiled, pulled a bandanna out from his pocket and offered it. “Damn, he got you like that?”

Chulito felt good to be open. He wiped his tears with the bandanna. “Carlos wants to be open and doesn’t want to keep things underground in the ’hood, but how else we gonna be? I don’t have a choice, right?”

Brick shifted in his seat to face Chulito. “I see it as you making a choice, bro. You chosin’ to keep it on the low.”

Chulito sighed. “My pain won’t let up. I ain’t never felt anything like this.”

Brick patted Chulito’s thigh. “If it’s a done deal and it’s over between you two, I can tell you that the pain will get better bit by bit, but it might never go away completely. But it sounds like you in between two places.”

Chulito shrugged.

“And am I right to say that you chose the neighborhood over being open with Carlos?”

Chulito nodded.

“You don’t seem to be too happy with the choice you making.”

Chulito laughed. “Why did you come back?”

“My baby girl mainly. But I came back to find out if there’s a solid reason for me to be here. I feel like I gotta make a choice, too.”

Chulito stopped crying. “Is going back to P.R. one of your choices?”

“Maybe.”

When they arrived at Julio’s travel agency, Chulito was reluctant to go in, because Papo was on the corner talking to Orlando from Rivera’s Grocery Store. Chulito slipped into the travel agency while Brick paid for the cab. Julio and Brick hugged. Brick reached into his knapsack and gave Julio a picture of himself in El Yunque. Chulito sat on the couch and watched.

“Papa, with that tan, Jennifer would be crazy not to take you back.” Julio snapped three times in the air.

“She’s down to have a conversation, but I’m open to anything.”

“Anything?” Julio teased.

“Well, not anything. I told Chulito about Taino on the way over.”

“Oh, did your mother depart alright?” Julio asked.

“Yeah, I guess,” Chulito responded. He felt a little awkward sitting in the agency. He liked being alone with Brick in the cab and wished he could talk more with him.

“I brought this nigga over ‘cause…”

“I know,” Julio said. “Carlos told me, but I wasn’t gonna say anything.”

“He told you we broke up?” Chulito said.

Julio nodded.

He felt a little easier. Both men listened attentively. “Everything was going fine, but I guess it started getting crazy when Brick caught Carlos and me…” Chulito looked down. “Making out on the roof.”

“Lord have mercy, lock the door,” Julio joked.

Chulito chuckled.

Brick poured himself a cup of coffee and sat on the desk. “So ‘cause of that you two broke up?”

Chulito relaxed more into the couch with each response. “Well, not that. On the Fourth of July we started getting a little busy, if you know what I mean.”

Julio fanned himself. “Spare me the details. I’m an old man, I don’t think my heart can take it.”

Chulito said with a sly smile, “Well, we was just kissing and stuff.”

Brick turned away. “Don’t hold back.”

Julio playfully shoved Brick. “Let him speak.”

“Let’s just say that we was in my room. The door was locked, but my mom came in from outside and called for us. I freaked the fuck out and pushed him. And he basically said he didn’t want to keep things underground and broke shit off.” Chulito swallowed to ease the lump that had formed in his throat.

“I don’t know what to do with you two. You and Carlos and you and Taino. The ghetto is coming out.”

“Hold up,” Brick said. “It wasn’t like that with me and Taino. We didn’t do the thang.”

“You may as well have,” Julio said.

Chulito looked at Brick and asked Julio, “Why do you say that?”

Brick handed Chulito a cup of water. “It just didn’t feel right. I didn’t tell Chulito about how we slept holding each other the last night in El Yunque.”

“You held each other?”

“Yeah and it was cool, like he was a part of me. But that was it.” Then Brick went silent for a moment. “I can say this to you because you understand. Niggas out there would be calling me gay or homo.”

“What’s wrong with that?” Julio asked. “They call you that anyway, just because you work with me.”

“True. After I came down from El Yunque, I stayed at my uncle’s a few more days, and I didn’t speak with Taino until this morning when I called to say good-bye.” Brick looked away. “I miss him, yo. I will never forget Taino.”

“Taino sounds dope,” Chulito said.

“He was.” Brick stopped and sat on the desk next to Julio. “There’s nothing here for me really. Except for Crystal and you, Julio, of course. So I want to talk to Jennifer to see if we could make it work for Crystal’s sake.”

“What if she says no?” Chulito said.

“I wouldn’t blame her. I broke my promise to never hit her. But that day I felt like I was somebody else.”

“But you were still you,” Julio said.

“I know, so whatever rules Jennifer sets I’m gonna follow, because I want to be with my baby girl and I can’t take her away from her mother.” Brick went silent.

Julio smiled and patted Brick’s shoulder. “Ay, muchachos, there are some sacrifices you have to make if you really want something. And if you’re not willing to make those sacrifices then you might not want that something or someone so badly.”

Brick nodded his head. “I really want my daughter.” Brick hesitated before hugging Julio in front of the large glass windows of the travel agency. “Thank you, man. Thank you.”

Chulito watched the two men hugging in Hunts Point in front of the big window with people passing constantly. It was safer to hug on this side of the window than outside of it, Chulito thought. He was glad that he rode the taxi with Brick and had had the talk with Julio. He felt like he’d entered into their private world and they into his. Now those worlds weren’t so concealed. And he understood the hug between these two men. The kind of hug that shows a person cares about the other. He’d shared hugs like that with Kamikaze. Maybe Kamikaze would understand, too.

“Part of me wants to find out what it would be like to be with Carlos.” Chulito swallowed to soothe his throat. “I want to say fuck it and let everybody know. But if I do, then there’s no turning back.”

“True. You gonna have to deal with a lot of shit. But Julio always says to me, ‘Why do you keep dealing with shit? Just flush it and deal with the good stuff in your life.’ ”

“That’s right, flush it,” Julio said.

“That hard to do,” Chulito said.

“Of course it’s hard. I’m fifty-two and it’s still hard, but I keep flushing the shit and gravitate toward the people who are on my side, like Brick and my parents when they were alive, a few friends, too.”

“I know about you and Carlos and I don’t give a shit,” Brick said. “If the fellas give a shit, then flush them. Hang out with the people who are cool with you two.”

Chulito always thought no one would accept him and his love for Carlos. He always thought that the fellas would bug out, especially Papo. But then he never imagined that Brick would be cool and that Julio could be someone he could turn to. He imagined that some people might be good with the news and others might try to mess with him. Would it be a constant fight or would he have to stop hanging out on the block or move? Where would he go? “My mother is gonna freak.”

“Mothers usually come around,” Julio said. “Most of them already know.”

“I don’t think my mother knows.”

“Well, if she doesn’t or does, you have to figure out if you want her to hear it from you or from somebody else, because if you want to be with Carlos or any other guy, she will eventually know.”

“I don’t know if I want to be with another guy. Right now, for me, it’s just Carlos.”

“Whatever decision you make will have its consequences,” Julio said, “but there could also be benefits. If you let Carlos go, you lose him and gain what? Or if you are open to your feelings about Carlos, you get him but it might cost you in some other way.”

“How do you know so much, Julio?” Chulito asked.

“I told you, I’m fifty-two and I go to a good therapist on Eighty-eighth Street. I’ll give you her card, papito. But for us, love is tough because at every turn somebody is gonna try to shut your love down. So until the world changes, we gotta fight for our love.”

Brick let out a sigh, “That shit is deep, Julio.”

“And you, too. You gotta fight for Jennifer, but you gotta fight even harder to be close to Taino because people want to tear that shit down.” Julio imitated a tough thug, “Yo, don’t you be sleeping in a cave with no nigga. That shit is ‘mo.’”

Brick and Chulito laughed.

“But seriously, Chulito, it’s up to you, papito.” Julio put up his fists and awkwardly moved around like a boxer. Brick boxed along with Julio and then offered his chin. “Get me right here, Julio. I give you a free shot.”

Julio moved in and kissed Brick’s chin.

“You a crazy bitch.” Brick collapsed on the couch next to Chulito. “I got your back, Chulito.” He offered him his hand to shake. “Even if those niggas out there turn on you.”

“Thanks.” Chulito shook Brick’s hand. “But that’s what scares me.”

“Don’t worry,” Brick said. “If people say any shit to me, I’ll tell them to mind their fucking business—”

“No,” Julio said. “You gotta do more, Brick. You gotta tell them that you think it’s cool that they’re together.”

“Well, if being together makes you two niggas happy, which is more than I can say for most of the sorry asses around here, then that’s cool.”

“Thanks, Brick. Carlos’ mother told me he went up to Connecticut to visit a friend this weekend.”

“A gay nigga?”

“Yes. I’ve been sick over that, too.”

“He there now?” Brick asked.

“Nah, he should be at work,” Chulito said.

“You better call him up, before the next sucka moves in on your shit.”

“Carlos is a catch,” Julio said. “If you want to be with him, I wouldn’t waste time.”

Chulito panicked and flipped open his cell phone and pressed #1 on his speed dial. He wasn’t sure what he would say, but he wanted to let him know that he didn’t want to let him go. “Hey, Carlos.”

“Chulito, I’m busy,” Carlos said coldly.

“I’m talking to Julio and Brick and they said that I should call you ‘cause some other nigga might be moving in on my shit.”

“You’re talking to Brick and Julio about us?” Carlos sounded surprised.

“Yeah, so if someone is pressing you, they better back the fuck up. Can I meet you after work?”

Carlos laughed. “Did you take a Tarzan pill or something?”

Chulito smiled and high-fived Julio and Brick.

As Chulito walked down the block he saw Papo on the corner.

Papo raised one of his black eyebrows. “Making travel plans?”

“Nah, just talking to Julio.”

“That stupid faggot? For what?”

Julio was neither, but for the first time, Chulito felt emboldened to speak his mind. “He ain’t stupid. He’s real smart.” As Chulito passed him his heart pounded and he felt scared and excited. He wanted to look back at Papo but continued forward instead.

Before meeting Carlos, Chulito decided to go to the barber shop. He was ready for a change. They undid his braids and gave him a closely cropped haircut. As the clippers buzzed against his scalp, Chulito watched a young kid pound on the congas in the corner. “Leave that alone,” the kid’s mother warned, but the barbero said it was O.K. The barbero outlined his hairline with warm shaving cream and cleaned the tiny hairs with a straight edged razor. Then he finished off his hair cut with the sweet citrus smell of Clubman’s Aftershave and soft scented talcum powder that he brushed on with a small broom. Chulito ran his hand over the fuzz on his head and smiled.

Chulito went home, took a shower and dressed in all white, a FuBu shirt over Pepe jeans and Adidas sneakers, topped off with a white, fitted Yankees baseball cap.

When Carlos stepped out of the
New York Daily News
building he and saw Chulito holding a bouquet of red roses with one sunflower in the middle, he mockingly put one hand on his heart and the back of his other hand on his forehead as if he were going to faint. Chulito smiled and held out the flowers.