Chulito (30 page)

“Cute.” Carlos accepted the flowers.

“I know I am, but what you think about the flowers?” Chulito pulled off his cap.

“Wow! You shaved your head?”

“Just about, you like it?”

Carlos nodded and checked out Chulito from head to sneakered foot. “Damn, it doesn’t matter what you do, you always look good.”

“But do you like this better, because I can grow my braids back?”

“I love it. It’s very butch.”

“Feels good. Touch it.”

Carlos rubbed Chulito’s head. “Damn, I didn’t think it was possible for you to be hotter.”

Chulito smiled. “I’m glad you like it. It feels light. I feel light.”

“Is that why you dressed in all white?”

“I’m hoping for a new beginning.”

They headed toward the pier.

Carlos smelled the roses as they walked. “I love all this, Chulito, but I’m still a little nervous about you. I don’t trust your change of heart. All day long questions swirled in my head. I don’t know how serious you are and honestly, I don’t want to get closer, if you’re gonna jump ship.”

Chulito walked silently. True to form he imagined that Carlos was thinking with his head as well as his heart. And although Chulito was decidedly optimistic when he came downtown, he knew it was easier to do the big show there than in Hunts Point, and at that thought fear started to creep back into his heart. “I hear you, Carlos, but when you broke it off I felt like I was gonna die. I never felt pain like that. And I missed you. I missed our talks, our walks. I even missed seeing all the dudes on the pier.”

Carlos leaned into Chulito. “I don’t doubt it. Look at you. From throwing a bottle to showing up with a bouquet of flowers.”

“Damn, you never gonna let me live that down.”

“No. Because I need to remember that even if you didn’t want to throw that bottle, you caved into the pressure.” Carlos stopped in front of a new apartment building as rush hour traffic crawled along the Westside and looked Chulito in the eye. “I need to protect myself, but I don’t want to have to protect myself from you.”

It was as if Carlos had ripped open his chest. He felt exposed and ashamed. “No, baby, I promise.” Chulito wanted to say more but couldn’t find the words. He wanted to vow his love forever. He wanted to get on his knees and beg for forgiveness. He wished he could rewind to that moment and do something different. “I promise.” Then he closed his eyes and kissed Carlos. They breathed each other in and their tongues circled. Chulito felt overwhelmed by joy and fear.

When they stopped kissing he kept his eyes closed, then opened them to see Carlos smiling at him. Chulito surprised himself, but it felt like the right thing to do to let Carlos know he was on board. Suddenly, he needed to sit so he moved to a large cement planter and leaned against it. Carlos sat too and put an arm around him.

He watched the cars whiz by, then looked back at Carlos. “I love you so fucking much, Carlos. I think I’m all strong and tough, but I’m scared as shit when it comes to this.”

Carlos kissed his shoulder. “I know that block means a lot to you.”

“I mean it’s all I got, right? And you from that block, too.”

Carlos rested his head on Chulito’s shoulder and said, “I love Hunts Point and I hate it. Not everybody is fucked up. There are some great people, like Agustin at the bodega, Martha and our moms.”

“We’ve known those people all our lives.”

“And some of those people keep us apart. And even the people who are cool, are not going to be throwing us a party when they find out we’re together.”

Chulito chuckled. “Well, maybe Julio and Brick.”

Carlos lifted his head and smiled. “I still can’t get over that you talked to them. I have to let you know that when you said that, I decided to hear you out. What did you talk to them about?”

“Well, when I told them about Sappy Manilow—”

Carlos pushed Chulito’s shoulder and got up. “You didn’t.”

Chulito nodded and dusted the seat of his pants. “Then Julio snapped his fingers high up in the air, he pointed at me and said, ‘Hooked.’”

Carlos’ laugh shot out loud and bubbly. Chulito laughed along with him.

Chulito stopped and placed a hand on Carlos’ shoulder. “Thanks for giving me another chance, Carlos.” He pulled him close as they waited on the corner to cross the street.

Carlos held on to him and spoke into his ear. “I love holding you, but I don’t want to go around hiding it. I’m not ashamed of the way I feel for you.”

Holding Carlos tighter, Chulito said, “That’s one of the main reasons why I like you so much. You take chances and you all bold, ‘Don’t nobody mess with Carlos.’” He pulled back to look at Carlos’ face. “And when you asked me to be open, too, part of me wanted it, but more of me wanted to keep it on the low. But I really want to be with you and if being open is what I gotta do, then that’s what I gotta do.” Chulito moved in and wrapped his arms around Carlos, not caring for the first time what the joggers, people walking dogs, and women and men in business suits on their way home from work thought. It felt so good to hold him. He gently released Carlos and put an arm around him as they continued to walk. “On Friday, I saw your moms and I asked about you. When she told me you had gone to Andrew’s for the weekend, I almost went crazy right in front of her. I been in my room listening to Sappy Manilow all weekend.” Chulito pulled Carlos’ head to his. “I got some real feelings for you, Carlos.”

“I went to Andrew’s because I couldn’t be on the block. And when I saw the fellas on the corner or the auto glass assholes I wanted to take an Uzi and mow them all down.”

“Now those are some gangsta thoughts.” Chulito smiled.

“Oh, I’ve imagined their demise lots of ways. But I could either be controlled by their stupid remarks, and be made to feel like shit, or fight back. And honestly, as much as I hate to have to always fight back, it’s way better than being secretive. And that is my neighborhood, too, they need to make room ‘cause I’m coming through.”

“Holla!” Chulito cheered.

Carlos tapped the brim of Chulito’s cap. “I’m serious.”

“No doubt.”

“But Andrew offered a break from all the drama and from you. And just for the record, there’s nothing between me and him. But after I spoke with you I was so distraught that I knew if I were to see your light on, I would just say, ‘Forget it, let’s go at his pace. But as much as I love you, that wasn’t what I wanted. I want a guy who could be by my side, especially when shit comes down, because we gonna get a lot of shit. Especially you with those assholes on the corner. They are not gonna let us have a minute of peace, but being with you is more important. And my mom knows how I feel about you.”

Chulito stopped and asked with surprise. “What?”

“I haven’t exactly told her, but I think she’s hip. So our mothers will become suegras.”

The thought of their mothers calling each other “in-laws” made Chulito chuckle. He wondered how he would tell his mother. “Can we take it one step at a time?”

“I’m just playing.” Carlos hugged him just as they approached the pier.

A voice beckoned them from behind. “Do I detect a reconciliation?” Kenny said as the couple arrived.

“Most definitely.” Chulito winked at Kenny.

“Good, ‘cause, Chulito, this one over here was ugly. Tears and make-up running all over the place. I couldn’t enjoy Kevin, knowing my friend here was in pain.”

“Well, the pain has been lifted.” Carlos put his arm around Chulito.

“Aw, how sweet. Now I can go back to hating you, Carlos,” Kenny said. “Can I borrow your flowers?”

Carlos nodded.

Kenny ran off to some friends yelling, “I won. I won.”

Carlos and Chulito went over to the water. Carlos sat on the railing, then pulled Chulito over and held him.

Chulito swung his baseball cap to the back. “I feel a little nervous.” Then, he pressed his face into Carlos’ chest.

Carlos rubbed Chulito’s back. “Thank you for being here and being with me. I know this is a lot for you, but I also don’t want you to do something you don’t want to do.”

“I want you, and though I feel nervous, I feel good, too.”

Carlos leaned in and kissed Chulito’s forehead, then Chulito kissed Carlos’ chin.

Carlos pointed to the far end of the pier where Kenny was doing a Miss America promenade, holding the flowers and blowing kisses. As Chulito observed Kenny in the distance, he saw Lee from the Chinese restaurant walking up the path. A chill shuddered through Chulito and he buried his face in Carlos’ chest.

Lee saw Carlos and came over to them. “Hey, Carlos, how you been?”

“Cool. How you been?”

“I’m glad to be away from the restaurant for a little bit. I never get to hang out. I am always in that damn kitchen, but five more weeks until I go to the University of Pennsylvania. Pre-med, baby.” Then Lee pointed to Chulito. “Is that who I think it is?”

Carlos nodded.

“Hey, Chulito. I heard you two were messin’ around.” At the sound of Lee’s cute accent, Chulito slowly turned around to face him. “‘Sup, Lee,” Chulito said as smoothly as he could. With Carlos still sitting on the railing, Chulito rested his back on Carlos’ chest. Carlos reached around and locked his hands around Chulito to hold him. He wondered if Carlos could feel his heart slamming against his chest.

“I can’t believe it. I always had a feeling about you.”

“Really?”

“You’re just too pretty. So, are any of your friends interested in Korean boys? Like Brick? Or Davey? Davey is cute.”

“Not that I know of, but if I find out I’ll let you know.”

Carlos rested his chin on Chulito’s head.

“You lucky, Carlos,” Lee said. “I don’t mean no disrespect, but Chulito is fine, fine, fine.”

“None taken, Lee, he’s a beautiful man.”

Chulito looked up to Carlos. “You beautiful, too.’” They kissed.

“O.K., this is too weird,” Lee said. “And you’re making me jealous, so I’m gonna take my single Korean butt away from you two and see if I can find my own man.”

“It’s a cute butt,” said Siobhan, one of the twins.

Lee turned around, did a pose that showed off his ass and waved good-bye.

“There’s a hip-hop dance this evening at the Center,” Siobhan called out to Lee, “in case you got some Thug Passion.”

“Fuck, I gotta work,” Lee said.

“Thug Passion?” Kenny said as he came over. “Since my thug, Kevin, has moved on I gotta go bag me another one. Are you guys gonna go?’”

Siobhan shrugged and kissed Hamid, his latest conquest.

“Kevin broke up with you?” Carlos asked.

“I’m fine. He broke my back, not my heart.” Kenny smelled the flowers. “So I’ll go and see if I can find another thug.”

“A whole evening of hip-hop?” Carlos asked. “I don’t know. I could take a couple of songs, but a whole party?”

“What?” Chulito said. “You don’t like rap and hip-hop ‘cause you don’t understand it.”

Carlos shook his head. “What’s to understand? It’s either about ‘keepin’ it real,’ ‘holdin’ it down,’ ‘livin’ large,’ ‘bein’ gangsta,’ ‘hangin’ with my boyz’ and ‘bangin’ the bitches.’”

“You crazy, Carlos. Rap has some deep shit, too. Like you ever listen to Tupac or Pun?” Chulito said.

“Pun used to beat his wife. That, I know,” Carlos said smugly.

“O.K., besides that. They be talkin’ about life in the ghetto and the situation we live in and how to get ahead.”

“Maybe but I can’t ignore the fucked up parts. Besides, they don’t sing about getting ahead by going to school, but by selling drugs, shootin’ the po-lice, or ‘by any means necessary.’”

“O.K., but also about breaking free of the system.”

“There is no freedom in rap. And as a gay man, that shit just oppresses me.”

Chulito realized that he had to overlook a lot of what Carlos was saying in order to focus on what he felt was positive. “You like rap, Kenny, right?”

“Yeah, but don’t drag me into your argument. You two just got back together and you gonna go right back to divorce court.”

Carlos laughed and hugged Chulito.

“But you like rap, right, Kenny?” Chulito asked.

“I like guys who like rap, but I do like some stuff. Well, like all those boys talking about their dicks.” Kenny high-fived Siobhan.

“What?” Chulito said.

“They’re constantly talking about dick,” Kenny said. “‘I got a thing in my pants that will make you choke,’ or how about ‘by the look on her face I could tell she ain’t never had something this long.’”

“Damn!” Carlos said. “Those are lyrics?”

Chulito nodded.

“You see, I could get into that.”

“Biggie calls himself the condom stuffer.” Siobhan said. “I’d love to see a bunch of those rappers naked. They should make a naked calendar of rappers showing their dicks.”

“Yeah, because according to their songs, they all have big ones,” Kenny said. “With the calendar we would see who’s really ‘keepin’ it real.’”

“You all crazy,” Chulito said.