Chulito (28 page)

Chulito pulled out his graduation suit from junior high school, but it was too small. He looked up at his ceiling which had become glass and he could see Carlos in his room. Carlos was listening to music peacefully and plucking the petals off a large sunflower when his mother entered the room with a police woman, who scanned him and gave him the thumbs up. His mother hugged him.

Then Chulito heard a knock on his door; they were coming for him. Would he pass the scan? He heard his mother talking to the officials at the door. Chulito thought his heart would stop. He wouldn’t pass the Macho Meter. He would be taken away. He looked up at the ceiling and Carlos was sitting on the edge of his bed, looking down through the floor at him. The sunflower petals continued to fall, filling the ceiling, obscuring Carlos.

He wanted to apologize. He wanted to say that he loved him and that they should run away together. There was a knock on his bedroom door. “Chulito?” his mother called. “You awake?”

Chulito tried to say something to Carlos, to his mother, anything but his throat was dry and no sounds were coming out.

He closed his eyes and tried to yell out, “Carlos! Carlos!”

Nothing.

The door handle turned, his mother’s face appeared with the official behind her, scanner in hand. Chulito looked up to the ceiling and yelled, “CARLOS, I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU, ON THE PIER AND EVERYWHERE. I LOVE YOU, PA!” Chulito woke up professing his love to Carlos.

Carmen had been knocking on his door. “Chulito, open up. Are you awake? What are you yelling about?”

Chulito covered his mouth, realizing that he’d been shouting out loud, and looked up at his ceiling. His face was sweaty and he breathed heavily.

Carmen rushed in and sat by him. He resisted her embrace at first and then gave in. He allowed his mother to hold him for the first time in years.

“¿Que pasa, Chulito? What were you saying about Carlos?”

“Nothing, ma. It was just a bad dream. Forget about it.” Chulito held his mother tighter.

Chulito and his uncle from Brooklyn took his mother to the airport. He agreed to call her every night and to stay in touch with Maria, then he kissed her good-bye and went outside to the baggage claim area where his uncle would be circling. As he waited on the curb, Chulito felt a small nervous rush when he saw Brick, who had just returned from Puerto Rico. They hadn’t spoken since they’d seen each other shortly after that night he caught them on the roof. Brick had a big suitcase and knapsack and looked tan. He saw Chulito, nodded and called him over with a small jerk of his head.

“You goin’ somewhere or coming back?”

“Droppin’ my mom off.”

“You ain’t goin’?”

“Nah.” Lately, Chulito had considered going to Puerto Rico since Carlos broke things off.

“I was gonna catch a cab to the ’hood. You need a ride?”

“I’m waiting for my uncle, he’s circling.”

“Your uncle live in the Bronx?”

“Brooklyn.”

“So why don’t chu come with me? I’m cool with it.”

As the two spoke they didn’t look at each other, but stared out at the traffic in the airport arrival gate.

Chulito wished that he hadn’t come over. He didn’t even want to wait for his uncle. He would rather ride back to the neighborhood alone. He needed time to think. That was the main reason he decided to stay in the Bronx. He wanted the time and space to sort things out. “It’s O.K., my uncle can take you back and save you the forty dollar cab fare,” he said out of obligation.

“Look, I don’t know if you still thinking about the roof—”

“Carlos and I aren’t talking, so that doesn’t matter.” Chulito tried to sound matter-of-fact, but his crossed arms and clenched jaw revealed his anger, and the tears that welled up by just mentioning Carlos showed his sadness.

Brick looked at Chulito. “Sorry, bro. What happened?”

Chulito was surprised that Brick seemed concerned. “I’m not sure.” Chulito kept an eye out for his uncle, wanting to escape as fast as possible.

“Well, Carlos is a cool dude and you, too. Wait, are you still working with Kamikaze?”

Chulito nodded.

“Well, except for that.” Brick nudged him and smiled.

Chulito smiled back. “I don’t know what’s right anymore.”

“I know what you mean. That’s why I left for a while.”

“Did it help?”

“Yeah. It’s not all in check, but I’m gonna stop by Julio’s first, and then go to Jennifer’s and see where we at.”

“Maybe I should have gone to P.R. with my moms.”

“You at the airport, nigga. Ain’t too late.”

“Here’s my uncle.”

“Well, you’re still welcome to ride with me and let your uncle head back to Brooklyn.”

Chulito was curious. He didn’t have anybody to talk openly with about his situation with Carlos, and since Brick knew the deal and his interest seemed genuine, he said good-bye to his uncle and rode back to the Bronx with Brick. He considered Brick’s relationship with Julio and thought he might be able to relate. “This is all new for me, Brick. I don’t feel different, except that I got feelings for Carlos. It doesn’t make sense to me.”

“I hear you.”

“You do?

“Shit like that ain’t supposed to make sense. I went through some cool shit out in P.R. I met this dude out there.”

Chulito thought his suspicion of Brick being gay was about to be confirmed. He turned to face him. “You, too?”

Brick laughed. “It wasn’t like that, but close. I mean we camped out in El Yunque for three days. Just him and me. I told him stuff that I ain’t never told no one. Not even Julio.” Brick stared out the taxi’s window at the Van Wyck Expressway, but had a far away look on his face. “We got real close, real deep. I can honestly say that I love that dude. Not like I want to marry him and stuff like that, but I miss him. He made it hard for me to leave Puerto Rico and come back to all the shit here.”

“Did anything happen? Did you do the deed?” Chulito was embarrassed that he’d blurted out what he was thinking.

Brick shook his head and smiled. “That whole shit took me by surprise.”

Chulito faced Brick. “So what happened?”

“I’ll never forget the day we met. I’d been in P.R. for about a week helping my uncle out in his farm in Bayamón. I loved doing all that physical work. I’m good with my hands.” Brick held up and examined his large hands. He rubbed the calluses on the upper part of his palm. Then he winked at Chulito.

Chulito smiled and thought, “I bet you’re good with those hands.”

“So my uncle says that I should spend a day up in El Yunque. Do you know it?”

Chulito nodded. “I went to P.R. when I was twelve. I loved going up to that rainforest.”

“Well, my uncle tells me, ‘Don’t miss the cascadas.’ You know those waterfalls way up?”

“They’re really beautiful.”

“The day was hot as hell and my uncle drops me right when the sun was coming up. I get up there and the temperature drops, like, twenty degrees. There was a foggy mist everywhere. The water is pouring down the rocks and slamming into the water. Since it’s so early, there ain’t nobody around, and even though it’s cooler than the long ass walk to get there, I’m still dripping in sweat ‘cause I’m wearing Tims and overalls and shit. So I start thinking, maybe I could get in. I stand on its edge and feel the water. That shit was cold, but felt good. There were little bubbles coming up, like it was 7-Up.”

Chulito relaxed into the seat. “Man, you’re making me wish I’d gone to P.R.”

“I can’t wait to go back, for real.” The far away look came back to Brick’s eyes. “At the falls, I’m thinking I could take off my boots and put my feet in, but I really just want to strip down and get in right quick before anybody shows up. I started to take off my Tims when there’s this loud ass splash in the water, like one of the rocks had come loose and crashed down. I’m looking into the water because even though it’s clear, the bubbles don’t let me see what’s below it. Then, like a monster from a fucking movie, this guy comes up through the bubbles. At first I see his face, which is painted like a fucking Indian and shit.”

“Sounds freaky.”

“No doubt.” Brick makes a fist with one hand and punches the palm of the other hand. “I get my guard up in case some shit is going to go down.”

“Then what?”

“Well, the guy comes out the water and he’s like…” Brick paused. “He’s like some fucking, I don’t know how to describe him.” Brick looked at Chulito. “Yo, I’m being open with you, so just keep this here, O.K.?”

Chulito agreed.

“He was like a Taino Indian, native boy type. He had on one of those loin cloth things covering up his shit, but the only other thing he wore was paint. His face was painted with a rust colored “T” that stretched across his forehead and went down his nose. He had two yellow and red stripes on each cheek with a dark gray circle on each side. He had one reddish dot in the center of his chin. Otherwise, he ain’t had no clothes on. At first I was fucking shocked, but when I saw him all naked and shit I thought ‘fag.’ No offense.”

“Hey, bro, I ain’t no—” Chulito stopped himself. It was an automatic response to deny being gay, but that was one of the questions on the table for him. He knew he was gay. Part of him always did and falling in love with Carlos—holding him, kissing him and wanting nothing more than to spend every moment of his life with him—sealed the deal. He was trying to figure out who could know and how that would affect his life. He looked at Brick who had one eyebrow raised in question. Chulito smiled and felt relieved to not have to keep up the façade with Brick.

“Yo, Chulito, you ain’t gotta front with me.”

Chulito sat back and rested his head against the back of the seat. “Thanks.” Chulito looked over to Brick. “Do you think I’m weak ‘cause I feel the way I do about Carlos?”

“Nigga, you ghetto through and through, and look who you talking to. I work with Julio and he ain’t weak nohow. He gotta be tougher than any dude out there. And your man Carlos, too.”

Chulito chuckled. “You know, I tell him he’s gangsta being all out and shit.”

“Damn right.”

“So what happened with you and the naked dude?”

“Well, I start thinking that we alone and I size him up. He was about my age, same height, but he’s way more buff than me. Then he climbs the rocks real fast, goes behind the waterfalls and dives through them. Splash! The nigga lands in the water again. It was out of this fuckin’ world. We got to talking and he invites me to go fishing. Do you know I love to fish?”

“You fish in the nasty Bronx River?”

“So I go back to this spot where he’s camped out and it’s like a fantasy. Another waterfall that goes into this lake and it’s surrounded by trees with bananas, mangoes, papayas, oranges, limes, coconuts everything. Now, it’s all good, but I’m still thinking this guy’s after my ass, and that shit ain’t going to happen. Julio says I have good gaydar ‘cause I’m a dude magnet. You know what I’m talking about?”

Chulito thought he had an idea but wanted to hear Brick’s explanation. “Nah, what you mean?”

“I know I’m a pretty nigga. Chicks be coming on to me, but dudes be steppin’ up, too. You must know what it’s like to be on the train and see how dudes be checking you out but acting like they not. Or how sometimes you go to a store and one of the sales guys is being extra helpful and looks all hungry and shit.”

Chulito smiled.

Brick smiled back. “You know what the fuck I’m talking about.”

Chulito nodded. “Lee always gives me two extra chicken wings.”

“He always gives me a double order.”

Chulito sat up. “What?”

“You probably don’t flirt with him. If you flirt you get more. I learned that early on. And I don’t have to do shit with any dude.”

Chulito wanted to say that it sounded cold to be leading niggas on like that, but he thought it might mess up the talk they were having. He looked out the window and realized that the cab was about to cross the Whitestone Bridge into the Bronx. He was glad that the thick bullet proof shield prevented the driver from hearing their conversation.

“So was it like that with this dude in P.R.?”

“Nah. His name is Taino.” Chulito recognized the distant look in Brick’s eye as longing. He could see that Brick missed Taino. “So we fish and eat and he’s got rum and shit. I relax with him. Turns out that he has a wife and kids, but goes up alone a few times a year and goes native. He has a cell that works up in the rainforest in case she needs to reach him. So I call my uncle to say that he doesn’t have to pick me up ‘cause I’m gonna stay the night.” Brick paused. “I stayed three nights and it was no doubt the best time of my life. No worries. Fishing, living off the land mostly, but we went to the picnic area and people gave us food. And we talked all the time.” Brick stopped looked out the window at the Bronx. “I ain’t never shared so much stuff with another person. I told him everything. About the block, Julio, my grandma, my fight with Jennifer. I even told him about the tattoo on my back. Jennifer and Julio are the only ones who know the whole story.”

“Sounds deep.” Chulito wanted to pat Brick’s hand or squeeze his shoulder, but he felt physical contact would be too much.