Chulito (35 page)

Kamikaze breathed in so deeply it sounded as if he’d sucked all the air in the car, then he held it for a few seconds before letting it out slowly. “Think about what you saying. Think it through.” He then looked away from Chulito. “How you gonna say something like that when I got your back no matter what, right?”

“I know, but—”

“But nothing!” Kamikaze slammed the dashboard. “Where the fuck is this coming from? Carlos? Is that preppy fuck pressing you?”

“No, I—”

“You have no fucking idea what you are asking.” Kamikaze gripped the steering wheel and shook it. He banged the dashboard board with his fist and without looking at Chulito said, “Get the fuck out of the car.”

“Kaz,” Chulito pleaded.

“Out!” Kamikaze looked straight ahead, breathing heavily. “Now.”

Chulito turned slowly. Clicked the lock open. Took hold of the handle. He was expecting Kamikaze to say, “Chill. Stay in the car.” He wanted him to say or do something to stop him from leaving. Instead, Chulito stepped out and closed the door. When the door shut he heard the locks click. He couldn’t see Kamikaze through the tinted glass, so he walked forward to look at him through the windshield but Kamikaze avoided his stare. Then Kamikaze began honking his horn and called out, “Hurry the fuck up in there!”

Chulito didn’t expect to feel his heart break. It hurt more than the bruises on his body. Was that it? Had Kamikaze thrown him out and would he never talk to him again? He held back tears. He wanted to run home to Carlos, slip into his arms and let go. Let the tears roll. Let the hurt take over and feel the warmth and comfort of Carlos. He was too bruised to run home to Carlos. He managed to take one step after another and limped as fast as he could up Garrison Avenue, away from McDonald’s and toward home. He wiped away his tears he couldn’t hold back, then he had to pause a second because the pain in his chest was crippling. He reached for his phone. It was only three blocks to their building, but maybe Carlos could come get him. He breathed deeply and as he was about to dial, he heard Kamikaze’s car screech to a halt next to him. The window slid down. “Here’s your shake.”

Chuilto hesitated. Kamikaze still looked furious.

“C’mon, I ain’t got all night.”

As Chulito reached for the shake he saw Kamikaze’s other hand swing around and point a gun with a silencer at him. “Now, if you really want out of the game, this is how I’m supposed to let you out.”

Chulito fell back against a parked car. Kamikaze held the gun steady. Chulito panicked. He could be killed right then and there. The block was empty. He shook his head slightly. He wanted to say, “Please don’t, Kamikaze. Please, don’t kill me. Don’t let me die without seeing my mom and seeing Carlos one last time.” The words couldn’t come out. He managed to just plead with his eyes. Kamikaze clicked out the gun’s clip and then reached out his window and fired the gun into the sky. “Now it’s empty so get in the car.” Chulito was paralyzed by the fear of having the gun pointed at him and how quickly it all had happened. Kamikaze could have pumped a few into him and he’d be gone. It would be that easy.

“Chulito, please get in. One thing you have to believe is that I would kill myself before I would harm you.”

Chulito’s knees gave and he fell to the ground. He never would have imagined that Kamikaze would point a gun at him, and if that weren’t enough, Kamikaze’s deadly glare scared the shit out of him. Maybe Kamikaze had changed his mind, but Chulito knew that he had considered wiping him out. The changes in his life were happening so fast, like dominoes knocking down one after another.

Kamikaze got out of the care and came around to help him up. “Get off me.” Chulito struggled at first and then acquiesced. He felt as if he’d exhausted his last reserve of energy. He was like a rag doll being held up by Kamikaze’s embrace. Chulito choked on his sobs.

Kamikaze held Chulito with one arm and opened the passenger’s door with the other. He helped him into the seat. Kamikaze drove around the corner and parked near the convent.

Chulito continued to sob. Letting the tears roll down his face, drip off his chin and get absorbed by his jersey.

He offered Chulito the shake. “Chulito, you think it’s easy to get out the game? Once you in, you in. That’s the fine print—well, more like the invisible print.” He put Chulito’s shake in the cup holder between them. “Maybe when you a low-level street runner it might be possible, but the deeper you go, the more about the operation you know, the more of a liability you become. And you, little brother, are in pretty deep. So you can’t just quit, because for as long as you live you’ll know the players, where they live, where they get their stash, and any leak of info could bring down the operation and big money will be lost. To ensure that info doesn’t get out, you would get iced. Same deal if someone is a fuck up and they need to get ‘fired,’ they just get popped.” He held up the gun. “This decides who goes.”

“So you saying I can’t get out?”

“Well, if I let you just walk, then I look weak and Rey might take me out and then take you out anyway.” Kamikaze sipped his shake in thought. “But I’m good for business, got a good rep, lead a clean, smooth operation and it takes years to build the trust up. And money talks when it comes to Rey, so he won’t take me out easily, but you’re a loose thread he can cut.”

“Fuck.” Chulito feared for the safety of Carlos and his mother. “And what about Brick? He got out?”

“Brick was tough and smart. They sent a couple of dudes to do him, but he was one step a head and popped the fucking assassins first.”

“Brick killed them?” Chulito picked up his shake and sipped. “Damn.”

“But Brick paid, too, with his grandmoms. He ain’t had much family, just her and Jennifer. They knew the grandma would hurt harder, so they warned him first, just roughing her up and puttin’ her in the hospital.”

“I heard about that.”

“Then, when he wouldn’t come back, they had the old woman run over. They made it all seem like a fucking hit and run. They would have popped Jennifer next and she was pregnant, but keeping her alive was to their benefit. If they’d killed her, Brick would have had nothing to keep him from going maverick. By keeping her alive, it ensured that Brick would keep quiet. I think part of that Jesus tat on his back has something to do with his grandma.”

Chulito set down his shake. “So I gotta stay in the game?”

“I’ma figure something out. Don’t worry. Like I said, money talks with Rey. But you think about it. You don’t got brains like Carlos, and you know the street. What are you going to do?”

Chulito shrugged. “I haven’t thought about what I would do. It would be legit, though.”

“Well, one thing you know is that you ain’t going to be pulling in the loot like now. And even though your moms looks the other way, she benefits from having a light financial load.”

Chulito nodded.

“Seriously, is Carlos pressing you?”

“I’d been thinking about getting out.”

Kamikaze nodded. “Sorry for blowin’ up at you and the gun and shit, but I got heated.” He looked at Chulito. “It ain’t like I’m just losing an employee. I’m gonna miss you, Chulito. You’re my blood. What am I going to do without my boy, huh?” Kamikaze slurped the last of his shake.

Chulito sat up. “Wait, we can’t still chill?”

Kamikaze shook his head. “You’ll become a liability to me. They’ll know that and they could get to me through you and I can’t have that. That’s why you wanting to get out hurt so much.” Kamikaze picked up Chulito’s shake and took a deep sip.

“Yo, that’s my shake.”

Kamikaze smiled slyly. “I bought it, nigga.”

Everything was changing faster than he thought. Even though he hadn’t been hanging out with the fellas lately, he wouldn’t be back out on the corner, and now losing Kamikaze, too, seemed like too much.

Kamikaze handed the shake back to Chulito. He sipped it. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do without you Kaz.”

“You could change your mind.” Kamikaze raised his eyebrows and waited for an answer. “Well, you know that you can always call on me and if you ever in a spot, I’ll help out.”

Chulito passed the shake to Kamikaze. “Don’t you ever think about getting out of the game?”

“Nah. This is what I know and I’m good at it.”

“Don’t it ever bother you?”

“What? That our peeps be hooked on it? Yeah, it bugs me a bit, but shifting from street level to the clubs makes it a little easier, and I focus on the business aspect. And I ain’t responsible for the decisions that addicts make. It’s on them.” Kamikaze turned on the ignition. “You’ve had a big night, and ‘sides you got someone waiting.”

He pulled out and drove to the front of Chulito’s building. “So, little brother, I’m gonna consider this like they do in the corporate world and take this as you giving me notice, O.K.? Give me a couple of weeks so I can figure shit out and get some help.”

Chulito nodded. “However much time you need. Hey, what about Miguel who runs the east side clubs for you?”

“I’ll handle figuring that part out. Yo, you ain’t gonna get jealous when you see me rollin’ with another cat in that seat?”

“Of course I will be.”

Kamikaze smiled. “You better.”

With great effort Chulito pulled his aching body out of the car. He watched the red and blue taillights become dots and disappear in the distance before he went inside.

When Chulito arrived at Carlos’ apartment, Maria was putting plates in the sink and Carlos was seated at the table eating. Although Carmen wasn’t due back from Puerto Rico for another two weeks, Chulito knew that bad news and drama travelled fast, so he called her to clue her in.

“Chulito, what happened? Of all the years we lived there, nothing like this has ever happened.”

“Papo just started some shit and I couldn’t take it. But I’ll let you know all the juicy details when you get back,” he joked.

Carmen sighed. “If anything were to happen to you, I think I would die. Ay, I’m coming home on the next flight.”

“Chill, ma. Everything is fine now, for real. See? I wasn’t gonna call you because I didn’t want you to worry or cut your trip short.”

“I want to be there for you and I can’t help but worry.”

Chulito looked at Maria and Carlos. “Maria has been looking out and Carlos and I are tight again.” He smiled at them both. “I do miss you, but I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.” Chulito blew a kiss through the phone. “There are a lot of changes. Good ones.”

“Just tell me now,” Carmen urged.

He took a breath. “O.K., I’ll be changing jobs is one. Can you trust me on sharing the rest when you come back?”

“Changing jobs? Really?” Carmen sounded pleased and surprised.

Carlos looked at him questioningly.

“Really. I want to be honest with you. I spoke to Kamikaze and it’s gonna work out. Send abuela and everyone my love and next summer I will definitely go with you. Maybe we could take Carlos and Maria, too.”

“Alright, papito, but if I can’t relax, I’m coming home.”

“Do what you gotta do, Ma. But I want the best for you, for all of us.”

“You sound so grown, Chulito.”

“It’s gotta happen sooner or later.” Chulito chuckled.

Chulito and Carlos said goodnight to Maria. She didn’t stop washing dishes, just glanced up a moment. They saw a hint of sadness in her eyes, but they went downstairs to Chulito’s apartment.

Chulito’s arms, shoulders and back were bruised and sore, so Carlos helped him undress. “I feel so lucky and proud to be with you, Chulito.”

The aches in his body made Chulito moan. “Ain’t no turning back now, right?” He touched Carlos’ cheek. Despite the heaviness of the night, Chulito felt light. The weight of all the secrets he’d kept inside was slowly lifting. He wouldn’t have to lie or hide.

“Today has been one of the toughest days of my life.” After Chulito shared what went down with Kamikaze, Carlos kissed Chulito’s bruised knuckles. “You’re my hero.”

“And you’re mine.” Chulito touched Carlos’ face. “It feels weird knowing that people know about us, but it feels good, too. How are you feeling?”

Carlos hugged Chulito. “Happy. Because I have you and because of what happened. I remember Julio, seeing him tremble with anger and strong with power. And how about Puti? I haven’t seen her out in the street in years. I was beginning to think she did’t have legs.”

Chulito chuckled.

“And you probably couldn’t see what was going on, but people took sides. And not everybody was on Papo’s side. Davey was trying to stop him. Some of the auto glass guys stayed out of it, Martha was with us and even Orlando from the bodega was sympathetic. Today I had hope for Hunts Point, just a small glimmer of hope. And I can see why you’re so close to Kamikaze. He has a big heart.”

Chulito smiled. “I don’t think they gonna be throwin’ no block party for us any time soon.”

They lay down on the bed beside one another. “No, but you stood up. You represented. I don’t feel so alone here any more.”

That night Chulito and Carlos slept in each other’s arms. It was the first time they slept together without having sex. They found a profound peace in simply being close. The next morning they continued to hold on to each other.