Clean Break (6 page)

‘Quick as quick or slow as slow,' she said enigmatically. ‘Quick quick
slow slow
, quick quick
slow
, like the ballroom dance, my dear.'

I seized Vita and quick-stepped her round her kitchen, Dancer holding her round the waist.

It wasn't quick quick. We waited the day after Boxing Day. Then the day after and the day after and the day after and the day after. Mum got up off her bed and went out looking for him – all over his favourite places in town, even up to London and back. She phoned his mobile again and again but it was always switched off. She tried phoning all his mates. She went down to the Pink Palace where they both worked even though she knew it was all shut up until after the New Year. She wandered round and round all day, wearing the silver sandals,
as if she thought they might walk her directly to Dad. Her feet were rubbed raw by the time she limped home and she'd lost the tip of one stiletto heel.

‘Don't cry, Mum, you can take them to Mr Minit,' I said. ‘They're not badly broken.'

‘Yes they are,' said Vita. ‘Can I have them for dressing up, Mum?'

‘
I
want them, Mum,' said Maxie, sticking his fat little feet inside the sandals and shuffling across the room.

‘Get them shoes off, sharpish,' said Gran. ‘Boys don't wear high heels. I don't know why you're all fighting over them. They belong in the bin with all the rest of the trash.'

‘They're beautiful shoes,' said Mum, snatching them from Maxie and cradling them as if they were silver dolls.

‘Yes, cost a fortune, like the rest of Frankie's ridiculous Christmas presents.
Whose
fortune, Julie? I bet he paid with your joint credit card. You'll be paying off your own presents until
next
Christmas. And what about all the money I've lent him, my savings from slaving in that blooming office? What about the kids? Is he just going to walk out of their lives without paying a penny in child support? You're rubbish at choosing men – one violent nutter, one sleazy charmer—'

‘You're rubbish at men too, Gran,' I said furiously, because she was making Mum cry. ‘Grandad cleared off ages ago.'

‘Good riddance! Catch me making a fool of myself a second time,' said Gran, sniffing. ‘I don't know why you're in such a state, Julie. You knew what he was like. Why do you have to let him hurt you so? You need to toughen up a bit.'

Gran seized hold of Mum as if she was personally going to shake some sense into her – but then her arms went right round her. Gran held Mum and rocked her. Mum howled. Vita and Maxie went and joined in the hug too.

I stayed separate, picking up Dancer from the floor. We went out into the kitchen together and had a sneaky snack from the larder. Dancer decided to try a raisin or two out of the packet, and then she couldn't seem to stop. She liked the icing sugar too, because it reminded her of snow.

‘Snow snow, thick thick snow,' I murmured, doing the wishing dance round and round the kitchen table.

Then I heard a mobile ringing. It was Mum's mobile in her handbag, where she'd dropped it in the hallway. I dashed to answer it. It could be any of Mum's mates but I knew it was Dad, I just
knew
it.

‘Hello, Julie?'

‘Oh, Dad, Dad, Dad!' I said.

‘Em! Hello, sweetheart! How are you, babe? How's everyone? Can I speak to your mum in a minute?'

Mum was already in the hall, on her knees beside me, trying to snatch the phone away. I hung onto it.

‘Dad, when are you coming back?' I asked.

‘Well, I'm planning to come and see you New Year's Day. I thought we could have a fun day out, you, me, Vita and Maxie, right?'

‘Oh yes,
please
!' I said.

‘What? Is he really coming back? Give me my phone, Em!' Mum said. She prised my fingers off it and listened herself.

‘
I
want to talk to Dad! I must talk to him. I've got heaps and heaps to tell him,' said Vita.

‘And me! I want to! Let
me
!' Maxie shrieked.

Mum sat still, staring straight ahead as if she was looking right through us.

‘Mum?' I whispered.

She didn't seem to hear. She didn't react to Vita's imperious commands or Maxie's whines. She just knelt there, as if she was praying. Then she suddenly pressed the little red button, cutting Dad off.

‘Mum!' we wailed.

‘Good for you, Julie,' said Gran, watching from the living-room doorway.

‘What is it, Mum? Why won't you speak to Dad?' I asked, stunned.

‘You're the meanest mum
ever
. You didn't let me even say hello!' Vita wept.

‘I want Dad!' Maxie bawled. ‘Make Dad come back, Mum!'

‘Stop it!' said Mum. She staggered to her feet. ‘I can't
make
Dad come back.'

‘He said he's coming on New Year's Day. He said it, he really did. He's coming back then,' I said.

‘No. He's coming to take you three out. But he's not coming back to live here. He's making that quite plain. He's still with this woman.'

‘You don't
know
that, Mum.'

‘Yes I do. I heard her whispering to him,' said Mum.

‘He's still going to take us out though?' said Vita.

‘I don't know. I suppose so,' said Mum.

‘Oh whoopee!' said Vita tactlessly. She started dancing up and down the hall.

‘Dad's coming, Dad's coming!' Maxie yelled, galloping after her.

Mum stared at them. I didn't know what to say, what to do. Most of me wanted to dance too, because I so wanted a day out with Dad, no matter what. But he clearly wasn't inviting Mum. It would be so awful for her stuck at home with Gran.

I knew I should tell her that I didn't want to go. He wasn't even my own dad after all. But I couldn't bear to miss seeing him.

‘I'll have to go to look after Vita and Maxie,' I said. ‘You know what they're like, how silly they get. Dad's not always good at getting them to behave.'

Mum looked at me. She didn't say anything. The look was enough.

Gran seized hold of Vita and Maxie, giving them both a little shake. ‘Stop that silly shrieking,' she said crossly. ‘Don't go getting your hopes up. I don't think your dad will even bother to turn up.'

It looked as if Gran was right.

I was up very very very early on January 1
^st
. We hadn't stayed up on New Year's Eve. Even Mum and Gran went to bed way before twelve.
Last
New Year's Eve we'd had a little party and Dad had bought a bottle of champagne. He gave me a tiny glassful and Vita and Maxie a few sips. Maxie rolled round the carpet afterwards, playing at being drunk, while Vita and I danced with Dad.

I tossed and turned half the night, thinking about Dad drinking and dancing with this horrible Sarah instead of us. I decided that Vita and Maxie and I had to be on our very best behaviour so that Dad would realize he couldn't bear to be without us.

I had a bath and washed my hair and then brushed it all out very carefully. I hoped Mum would do plaits at the sides and tie a velvet ribbon on for me, so that Dad would call me his pretty princess. I put on my best party outfit, a tight sparkly top and velvet trousers.

Then I looked in the mirror and took them off again. The top was way too tight now and the seams of the velvet trousers were nearly splitting. I didn't look like a pretty princess, I looked more like a pot-bellied pig. I stood in my knickers, sorting through all the clothes in my wardrobe, nearly weeping. Maxie stayed huddled up in his bear cave but Vita woke up and watched me.

‘Put something
on
, Em,' she said.

‘I haven't
got
anything,' I snivelled. ‘All my clothes look rubbish. Correction.
I
look rubbish.'

‘Yeah, well, we all know that,' said Vita. She stretched smugly. ‘
I'm
going to wear my disco-dancing queen outfit.'

I glared at her. Dad bought Vita this ultra-tight sparkly fancy-dress outfit for her last birthday. It had a halter top and low-slung trousers. They showed off Vita's tiny waist and totally flat stomach.

Vita was obviously thinking this too. ‘I'm going to draw a special tummy tattoo with felt tips.'

‘Not
my
felt tips,' Maxie mumbled from under his covers. ‘I'm going to wear my cowboy outfit
with Dad's cowboy boots. He left them in his wardrobe – I looked.'

‘You can't wear Dad's boots, you'll fall over,' I said.

‘Me can, me can, me can,' Maxie insisted.

‘Quit that baby talk, Maxie, you're pathetic,' I said.

I tried on every single outfit in my wardrobe but they all looked awful. I seemed to have expanded horrifically overnight. I ended up wearing my Miss Kitty nightie over my loosest jeans. I hoped it looked like a smock top. I wondered about borrowing a pair of Mum's heels seeing as Maxie was helping himself to Dad's cowboy boots.

‘For pity's sake, you look like a circus,' said Gran, when we came down to the kitchen. She was making our usual holiday breakfast – boiled eggs and soldiers. ‘You needn't think you're going out like that. Take those ludicrous boots back at once, Maxie. Vita, you look like a little tart, take that horrible outfit
off
. And what are you playing at, Em, wearing your
nightie
? You're old enough to know better. You should set your little brother and sister an example, not egg them on all the time.'

‘Egg, egg, egg!' Maxie shouted, bashing the top of his boiled egg so hard that yolk spurted everywhere.

‘I don't!' I said, taking Maxie's spoon away. ‘That's so mean, Gran. I try to make Vita and Maxie behave, don't I, Mum?'

Mum was sitting at the kitchen table sipping black coffee and smoking. She'd got up even earlier than me. She was in
her
prettiest clothes, a fluffy blue sweater and her embroidered jeans. She'd even painted her toenails silver to match her sandals.

She smiled anxiously at me, flicking her ash. ‘Yes, you're a good kid, Em. Quit nagging her, Mum.'

‘OK, I'll start in on you, Julie. Why in God's name are you smoking again when you gave it up years ago? Are you mad? Well yes, obviously you are, because you're all dressed up like a dog's dinner to see this pig husband of yours, when I wouldn't mind betting he won't turn up. Even if he
does
, he's not taking
you
out, he's made that plain.'

‘Do you ever listen to yourself, Mum? Do you get a kick out of saying hurtful things? I can't stop you saying stuff to me, but I'm certainly not going to have you being mean to the kids, especially not now their whole world's been turned upside down. Take no notice of your gran, kids, you wear what you like. I think you all look lovely.'

I nodded at Gran triumphantly but I couldn't
really enjoy the victory. I knew Maxie really did look silly in his cowboy outfit. Dad's boots were so big they came right up to his bottom. Vita looked drop-dead gorgeous but like she was part of a dancing competition, not dressed to go out for the day. And though I kept hoping my Miss Kitty top looked perfectly OK, it was starting to look more and more like my nightie.

Still, Mum styled my hair for me and gave me my velvet ribbon. She tied another in Vita's wispy locks too, and she gelled Maxie's black mop so that it stuck up and looked very cute.

Then we waited. And waited and waited and waited. Mum had endless cups of coffee and cigarettes. I started secretly chomping chocolate biscuits because I felt so empty. I tried to keep Vita and Maxie amused, making Dancer draw her Santa experiences with Maxie's felt pens, but I didn't have a clue what a sleigh looked like and I was rubbish at drawing reindeer too.

I found it hard to concentrate because I was straining to hear Dad's footsteps walking up our path. I kept thinking I heard him and went running, but each time there was no one on the doorstep.

‘I told you, he's not coming,' said Gran.

I wanted to punch her. Mum looked like she did too.

‘Give him a chance, Mum. He's not late. He didn't say a specific time, he just said he'd pop over to collect the kids in the morning.'

‘It's quarter to twelve, Julie.'

‘It's still technically morning.'

‘And you're technically a gullible mug, getting yourself all worked up over that loser. Look at the state of you –
and
the kids.'

‘Stop getting at our mum and being so mean about our dad!' I said fiercely. ‘You're not supposed to talk like that in front of children.'

‘Children aren't supposed to talk back to their grandmas like that, you cheeky little madam,' said Gran. ‘Em? Em, I'm talking to you!'

I wasn't listening. I heard footsteps. I ran. This time I was right!

‘Dad!'

I threw myself at him, my arms round his neck. He hadn't shaved so his chin was scratchy and his hair was tousled round his shoulders like he'd just got out of bed but I didn't care.

‘Daddy, oh, my daddy!' Vita cried, copying the girl in
The Railway Children
video.

Dad scooped her up in his arms.

‘D-a-d!' Maxie bellowed, butting Dad so hard with his gelled head that we nearly all toppled over.

‘Hey, kids, calm down!' said Dad.

He stopped, swallowing, rubbing the space
between his eyebrows as he looked the length of the hall to where Mum was standing. ‘Hi, Julie,' he said softly, as if they'd only just met.

Mum didn't say anything. She had her arms tightly folded, her hands gripping her elbows.

‘It's OK for me to take the kids out?' said Dad.

‘Can't Mum come too?' I begged.

Dad hesitated. ‘Well . . . this is a day out just for us,' he said.

Mum turned on her heel, walked into the kitchen and shut the door.