Coco Pinchard, the Consequences of Love and Sex: A Funny, Feel-Good, Romantic Comedy (17 page)

‘No, no, no,’ let’s get some cereal,’ I said pulling the form out of his mouth. I scooped him up and held him to one side, perched on my growing tummy.

‘Is that comfy?’ I asked. Wilfred nodded again, seriously.
 

I was in the kitchen making tea, with Wilfred sitting in his high chair, when Meryl came down. She was wearing a huge towelling bathrobe, she had dark circles under her eyes and her hair was wet and combed back flat. This was unprecedented. Meryl
never
comes downstairs unless she’s fully dressed with coiffed hair and pearls. She had her phone in her hand, and I could see she’d been crying.

‘Morning,’ I said cautiously. ‘You fancy a cuppa?’

She nodded and slumped into a chair.

‘Wilfred is still eating paper,’ I said, but Meryl seemed distracted.
 

‘That slimy toad,’ she hissed. ‘Tony has just RSVP’d to the Twelvetrees.’

‘Who’s that?’

‘Mark and Sandra Twelvetrees. They’re both conservative councillors, and every year they hold an Easter Egg Hunt and finger buffet at their house in the country. Tony has RSVP’d
 
- and he’s taking Mai Ling! Chinese whore!’

‘Little ears can hear,’ I said indicating Wilfred.

‘She’s twenty-four, Coco! How can I compete with that?’

I’d never seen Meryl so close to the edge before.

‘Coco,’ she said gulping nervously. ‘I feel I trust you, and I’d like your opinion on something.’

‘Sure,’ I said. Meryl gulped and rose to her feet, with her back to Wilfred, she closed her eyes, untied her bathrobe, and yanked it open. She was stark naked underneath!

‘Tell me, what do you think?’ she asked. Adam walked into the kitchen.

‘Whoa!’ he said covering his eyes. Meryl screamed and pulled her robe shut.

‘Adam, what are you doing?’ I asked.

‘What am I doing? What are you doing?’
 

Meryl turned crimson and ran from the kitchen. ‘Is this an April Fool’s?’ he added.

‘Don’t be so stupid,’ I said. ‘Watch Wilfred for a minute.’ I came upstairs and knocked on the door to the spare room.

‘Go away,’ said Meryl.

‘Meryl, please let me in…’ After a moment she opened the door. I came and perched on the bed. She was sat with her back to me, brushing her wet hair. She couldn’t even look at herself in the mirror.

‘I want to die Coco, I actually want to die.’

‘It was an accident,’ I said. ‘And Adam is fine. He once walked in on Ethel when she was on the loo, which was far worse, believe me.’

Meryl smiled weakly.

‘What made you flash me in the kitchen?’ I asked.

‘I don’t have friends like Marika and Chris.’

‘I don’t flash at Marika and Chris.’

‘But you’re open with them. You can talk about things. Look at me. I’m old. Alone. I’ve lost my figure and I’m a fool. Now you and Adam are just going to think about my decrepit naked body every time you see me…’ She started to sob. ‘I’m a single middle-aged mother. No one is going to want me.’

‘Meryl. Meryl, look at me,’ I said. She turned to me with red eyes. I took a deep breath, stood up, and yanked open my robe, where underneath I was naked too. She gasped.

‘Now we’re even,’ I grinned closing it. Meryl gulped.
 

‘Your bosoms, er, well they’re
blooming
,
’ she said, as if they were Hydrangeas at the Chelsea Flower Show.
 

‘Yours are pretty good too.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes. Really. You’ve kept your figure Meryl.’
 

She turned and looked at herself in the mirror. ‘And what about?’ she bit her lip.

‘What about what?’

‘My
down below
…’

‘Oh. I wasn’t really looking, there,’ I said. Now I felt uncomfortable.

‘I think I’ve got, what’s the phrase? A big hedge?’

‘It’s bush.’

‘Yes, I think I’ve got a big
bush
. Now your
bush
is nicely trimmed, Coco.’ We were back in Chelsea Flower Show territory. ‘Is that what men like?’ she added.

‘Meryl. What do you like? That’s the most important thing. You. Don’t do anything to please a man. What does Tony like?’

‘The lights out,’ she said bitterly. ‘Although now he’s ordered in Chinese, I’m sure he likes the bedroom lit up like Pyongyang.’

I didn’t have the heart to tell her that Pyongyang was in North Korea.

‘Come on Meryl, you can’t mope; you need to pull yourself together, look forward not backwards. Put yourself out there.’

‘Should I plug in my Carmen rollers?’

‘That’s a start,’ I said.

‘Coco… Would you perhaps ask Adam what he thought? When he saw me in the altogether. Of course don’t let him know I asked you to ask, just find out casually and tell me the truth. Even if it’s not good. Promise?’

I nodded and promised. It was the weirdest promise I’ve ever made, but Meryl seemed happier when I left.

I came back downstairs. Adam had made me a fruit smoothie and was feeding Wilfred some chopped up banana and apple. I put my arms round him.

‘What?’ he asked.

‘Just thank you, for being you. Dependable, warm, sexy…’ Adam went to pick up another piece of banana and stopped.

‘Meryl hasn’t persuaded you into some threesome?’ he asked, cautiously.

‘No!’

‘Thank God, because you are a people pleaser Cokes.’

‘I’m not
that
much of a people pleaser. Anyway, she’s fine now, she’s settled, and we’re cool.’

There was a thunderous sound as Meryl roared down the stairs, holding her phone out in front of her.

‘According to Tony’s Facebook profile, he’s
‘in a relationship’
with Mai Ling Wong Fook!’

We were both rather shocked. This split must be serious. I had hoped it would all blow over. A horrible part of me is worried that we may be stuck with Meryl for a long time.

Monday 2nd April

Agent Fergie
is number #63,445 on Amazon UK

I received an email from Chloe to say I am booked in for my appearance on ‘This Morning’
on Thursday. A car will come and collect me at eight that morning to take me to The London Studios in Waterloo! If that wasn’t exciting enough, she said I’ve been paid the last part of my advance.
 

I realised I had nothing to wear on ‘This Morning’
,
and
didn’t think the Victorian evening/funeral outfit would cut it.
 

I phoned Rosencrantz and he offered to take me shopping. An hour later I met him and his other housemate Wayne at Bond Street tube station. Rosencrantz looked gorgeous, dressed casually in jeans and a jumper, every inch the personal shopper. Wayne was a bit more eclectic, wearing a purple three-piece suit with a white 18th-century style ruff at his neck.
 

‘Oh Mrs P,’ he purred clasping a pudgy hand dripping with gold rings to his ruff. ‘You’re blooming, elegant and
enceinte
… it’s the French word for pregnant.’

‘Hello boys,’ I said hugging them both.

‘Now, I’ve taken the liberty of pulling a few outfits for you,’ said Wayne.
 

‘What he means is,
I
had a look round the ladies’ department of Selfridges, whilst he was in Mc Donald’s filling up on hash browns,’ said Rosencrantz.

‘Handsome and funny yet can’t get any acting work?’ said Wayne.

‘I love the cut of your suit, Wayne. Where do the guy-ropes attach?’ asked Rosencrantz.

‘I’m big boned, you cocky streak of piss!’ shrieked Wayne.

‘Boys, boys, let’s be nice,’ I said. The boys took an arm each and we walked along Oxford Street. Wayne explained he now has a job as the Wig Master on the musical
Chicago,
which is still going strong at the Cambridge Theatre.

‘Would you like a wig for ‘This Morning’, Mrs P?’ he asked. ‘I know you can’t colour being
enceinte
,
’ he stopped me outside Boots and started fingering my roots.
 

‘Hmmm. Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly might be a bit severe for you… Mama Morton would drown you, but at a push I could get you Mary Sunshine’s wig? She’s a strawberry blond, like you.’

‘I’m okay thanks love,’ I said. ‘I just want to look elegant and normal, and preferably not pregnant.’

We carried on walking.

‘The Duchess of Cornwall wore something very forgiving at her wedding to Prince Charles, we could couple it with a fan of leaves on your head?’ said Wayne.

We reached the entrance to Selfridges and Wayne made a big fuss of opening the door.

‘Don’t let him make me look like Camilla,’ I muttered to Rosencrantz as we passed.

‘Don’t worry. I’ve seen some good stuff,’ he whispered back with a grin.
 

I find most clothes shops intimidating, but Selfridges almost tipped me over. There was so much gorgeous stuff and so many gorgeous people swanning about.

‘What about hot pink to contrast with Philip Schofield’s lovely grey hair?’ suggested Wayne when we were surrounded by racks of clothes. ‘Holly Willoughby always goes for something bright and bold…’
 

‘She’s not wearing hot pink,’ said Rosencrantz. I ploughed through rack after rack of size tens.

‘There’s nothing!’ I said, beginning to panic. ‘It’s all for teenage girls!’

‘This is
divine
!’ said Wayne shoving a long A-line silk dress with no straps at me. ‘We could get you a tiara from Claire’s accessories?’
 

I looked at Rosencrantz.

‘Wayne would you be a dear and get Mum some orange juice? I think she’s got low blood sugar…’ said Rosencrantz.

‘Oh, Mrs P, of course!’ he said and rushed off.

‘Why did you bring Wayne?’ I asked.

‘He loves you Mum. He thinks you’re an inspiration… he’s thinking of being you next Halloween.’

I started to protest.

’Take it as a compliment, Mum.’

‘Ok, ok… But what am I going to wear?’ I asked.

 
‘Right I think you should wear tight black trousers or even a jean. Your legs are wonderfully thin, let’s maximise that. Then on top we’ll put you in this.’

He pulled out a royal blue blouse, with a lovely modern cut and mid-length sleeves.

‘It’s maternity, so it will accommodate your bump nicely, and you can have the neck open. We can mix it with some chunky jewellery and
these
.
’

He crossed to a display, and held up some cool black leather boots with a towering spiked heel.

‘Those? I’m having balance issues in my trainers,’ I said.

‘Even if you put them on just before you sit on the sofa, they’ll make your legs look hot.’ he said.

I wasn’t convinced, but we found the changing rooms and I tried the lot on. I had to keep hold of the wall for balance, but dressed up and in the heels I looked great.

‘Let your hair down Mum, past your shoulders.’

I fluffed my hair down, and regarded myself in the mirror.

‘Oh my gosh, I look, I look…’

‘You look hot Mum, and young and cool,’ said Rosencrantz.

‘Thanks love,’ I said. I went to hug him but I had to grab hold of the curtain for balance. ‘Are you sure I’ll manage in these boots?’

‘You’ll be sitting down Mum, it’s fine.’

Wayne came back with some posh orange juice, and was reluctantly pleased to find I was sorted out. When we went through the till it came to nearly four hundred pounds!
It’s okay,
I thought,
Adam has a job.

I took the boys for a drink afterwards in the bar. I love the rush of a good shopping session followed by a posh drink. We ordered cocktails; mine was a virgin, obviously.

‘So what else are you going to spend your book advance on?’ asked Rosencrantz.

‘We have to get a new car, which will probably take up the rest of it,’ I said.
 

‘Ooh, Mrs. P, I know someone who’s selling a car!’ said Wayne. He’s gorgeous, half-Greek, half-cockney. He delivers theatrical props to the theatre. He doesn’t want much, needs a quick sale.’

I asked what kind of car it was.

‘It’s a blue one,’ said Wayne.
 

‘Can you be more specific?’ I asked.

‘A lovely, small, blue one,’ said Wayne fiddling with the umbrella in his Sex on the Beach
.

‘What kind of blue?’ asked Rosencrantz.

‘Sort of dark, warm, like those speedos Oscar wore when we went on holiday last year…’

‘Oh, that was a nice blue,’ said Rosencrantz. ‘Mum, you should totally get this car.’

God bless gay guys for helping with shopping, I thought. But as far as cars were concerned they are hopeless.

When I got home, I tried on the clothes for Adam.

‘You look gorgeous babe,’ he said. ‘I especially like these heels,’ he said. ‘I think you should take everything off, apart from
these heels.’
He raised an eyebrow and flashed me a grin.
 

‘Later,’ I said. And I told him about the guy who was selling his car. I phoned the number Wayne had given me. A young guy answered and told me it’s a Ford Ka he’s selling with only 15,000 miles on the clock.

‘I’ll be at d’Cambridge Theatre tomorrow at free, innit,’ he said. ‘I’ve got a permit to park outside, innit.’

‘And can we give it a test drive?’ I said.

‘Yeah you can totally get in it, innit…’

‘He sounds like a bit of a wide boy,’ I said when I got off the phone.

Adam said we should check it out. Then my phone rang, it was a producer from ‘This Morning’
.
She asked a few questions about
Agent Fergie
and Adam.
 

‘We’re not going to dwell on his conviction and subsequent acquittal, but it makes a good interview,’ she said. ‘Phillip Schofield is a big fan, he’s reading both your books.’

 
I came off the phone buzzing with excitement. So many things were happening!

Tuesday 3rd April

Agent Fergie
has gone up to #23,450 on Amazon! Who knows what it will be after ‘This Morning’
.
The show gets millions of viewers!

We went to see the car today. We were waiting outside the theatre with Wayne when the little Ford Ka pulled up. A huge muscular Greek guy got out of the driver’s side with some difficulty, and came to shake our hands. He was almost seven feet tall.