Color Blind (9 page)

“You deserve all of it. And more.”

***

I pull up to the beach access parking lot
in my car, alone. I rest my head back on the seat and sigh. This is how I
wanted it. I wanted to come to this bonfire by myself so that I could have a
clear head. But now I’m just lonely. I don’t even have Dara, because she’s Brandon’s
date.

As I trudge through the sand toward the
stretch of beach that has been set up for
Oceanview’s
bonfire, the pyre lights the night sky with a brilliant orange glow. My
thoughts churn in my mind, muddying my vision. What would the night hold?

The laughter and music pumping through
the party around the bonfire sends a numbing agent through my bones. As I look
around, I discover I’m not sure who I am looking for. I see Dara standing with
some of the girls from the dance team and head in their direction.

As I walk, Dara turns toward me and
waves. When she moves to the side, I see Brandon standing adjacent to her. He’s
leaning over to talk to one of his friends from the team. My heart flip-flops.
Where there is Brandon, there is bound to be Luka.

I need more time before I see him. I
chang
my trajectory, walking toward a group of kids from
the theater department instead. As I stand drinking sunset-colored punch and
talking to my friends, the band walks onstage and starts to warm up. I head
back over to the punch bowl tin order o refill my cup.

I stand there, poring over the snack
table, when the lonely strum of an acoustic guitar meets my ears. The band
creeps in behind the guitar, creating a haunting melody. The lyrics that
accompany the tune are just as poignant, and I drop the chip I’m holding back
onto my plate.

I’m listening, unable to help myself.

I’m
feeling so confused

I
never even knew you existed

Feeling
lost without you

Baby,
they broke the mold when you were created

Loving
you, not even knowing you

Sounds
crazy

But
baby it’s so true

I
can’t hold this feeling in anymore…

Our
moment is here, now

Our
moment is here, now

Nowhere
to go from here but up

Together
they can’t touch us,

Now

That beautiful voice traveling on the
salty airwaves above me is
Cooper’s.
His
voice is made of velvet, edged with grit and lace and pure, raw emotion.

The kids he’s been hanging out with at
school… he’s joined their band, Fire and Glory.

And he is
mind-blowingly good
.

I watch his fingers strum his guitar, and
I hear the last strains of the song he’s obviously written fade into the
crashing waves at the shoreline.

His eyes find mine from his place on the
stage, and I there’s something in them I’ve never imagined existed behind his
playful smile and flirty behavior.

“Wow,” Dara says softly, coming up beside
me. “Did you know he could do that?”

“No,” I whisper. My voice is hoarse all
of a sudden, and I grasp my throat. “I didn’t.”

My back is burning, and I turn to see
Luka’s eyes searing into mine from across the fire. The pain evident there makes
them cloudy, and they leave mine to glance back at the stage where Cooper is
still standing.

I shake my head, trying to clear my
thoughts. They’re still full of Cooper’s song. The memory of it is making my
head swim with confusion and an emotion I can’t identify.

“I’m going to take a walk,” I tell Dara.

“Okay,” she says. “Come back soon.” Her
eyes tell me she understands. Best friends always do.

I walk toward the dark stretch of beach beyond
the bonfire. Staring out at the waves always clears my head. The beach feels
like home to me, where I feel the most relaxed. I hope that feeling will kick
in tonight.

I sit down just before the place where
the froth meets the sand. I stretch out my legs and remove my boots, so the ocean
can cover my toes.

Cooper’s song flows through my mind like
the waves on the sand, over and over again. Luka’s painful gaze chases the
lyrics through my head.

I feel movement next to me, and I look
up.

Cooper stands next to me, looking like a
Fallen angel with his dark hair cascading down over his forehead and his black
leather jacket glinting in the moonlight.

“Hey,” his voice is soft, more heavenly
than devilish.

“Hey,” I reply. I’m as brilliant as usual
in Cooper’s presence.

“Can I sit?”

I shrug. “Sure. Public place and all.”

He sits, and draws his knees up to his
chest. His gaze is directed out at the ocean, and I pull mine away from him to
stare at the waves again.

Sitting next to him out here in the dark,
with only the sand and sea foam for company is making my stomach flutter in a
familiar way. I pull my legs up to my abdomen and wrap my arms around them.

“So,” he says. “Why are you out here all
by yourself? Why aren’t you with your friends, having a good time? Or your
date?”

“I don’t have a date,” I reply.

His eyebrows shoot skyward, and his eyes
meet mine.

“You sing,” I blurt out. I seem to blurt
a lot when I’m with Cooper. Word regurgitation is inevitable when we’re
together.

“I do,” he says. “I told you that.”

“Yeah, but I wasn’t expecting—“ I
stop, trying to gather my thoughts so I don’t sound like an idiot.

“I don’t know what I was expecting, but
not that,” I finish quietly.

“I was lucky to land a spot in Fire and
Glory. They had just lost their lead guitarist, and I auditioned and got it.
We’ve been practicing for this gig a few weeks now. I wrote the song we just
sang.”

“It was beautiful,” I admit. “You have crazy
talent. What do you want to do after graduation?”

“I don’t have an exact plan yet,” he
says. “But I have to do music. It’s like breathing for me. I write every single
day, and I sing and play my guitar all the time. I wouldn’t have survived
anything in my life without it.”

It’s true. I could hear edges of pain in
his voice when he sang. It tipped me off to the fact that he he’s been through
things most of us teenagers can’t even begin to imagine. Even me, with my daddy
issues and low-budget lifestyle. He seems older than the rest of us, and he’s sliced
with battle-scars.

I reach out and put my hand over his.

“What have you survived?” I have to know.

He’s quiet for a moment, and I’m worried
I have crossed a line he isn’t ready for.

His fingers squeeze mine reassuringly.
“It’s fine. I want to talk to you about it.”

So I wait.

“Basically, I just have a fucked up family.
I don’t come from a place like the rest of you. My dad’s dead. It happened when
I was little, so I don’t remember him.”

I’m silent, listening. If he needs someone
to talk to, I’ll be his ears.

“My mom has been with a bunch of
different guys since then, none of them any good for her or me. The last guy,
she married him. He sent her to the hospital a few months ago, and I had
to—I had to get him off of her or he would have killed her. He’s a bad
guy, Cam…into some really
shadyshit
. That’s when she
decided we should move down here and live with my aunt. I couldn’t wait to get
away from our life in Maryland. This feels like a fresh start. Erasing the hell
we left back there, you know?”

I reach out and place my palm on his
cheek. He leans in to my touch. This beautiful boy, with his perfect face and chiseled
body, seems so above it all. I can’t believe what he’s been through in his
life. And I’m sure he hasn’t even scratched the surface of what he’s suffered. It
didn’t seem like he’s told me all of it.

“Where does music fit into all of that?”
I ask him.

“It probably fits in the exact same place
where dance fits for you. We haven’t had the same tribulations, but we have the
same therapy. Music keeps me sane, helps me deal. It picks me back up when I’ve
been kicked so hard I feel like I should just stay down. Life is nothing
without it. Well, it
was
nothing.”

“What was the name of that song Fire and
Glory performed tonight?”

“’’Now,’” he replies.

I want to know something else, but I am
too afraid to ask. I look down at the sand.

Cooper lifts my chin with one finger,
immobilizing my face. “Do you want to know what the song was about?”

I nod, feeling the fluttering in my
stomach take off like a flock of birds.

“Then ask me that, Cam. I don’t want you
to ever feel uncomfortable just saying what you want to say in front of me.”

“What was the song about, Cooper?”

His finger lingers on my chin, caressing,
drawing tiny circles. “Remember after the musical, when I told you I had
something for you? I wanted to sing it for you then. When I got you alone. When
I moved here, I was looking for a clean slate. I had been through so much; I
just wanted one normal year of high school, where I wasn’t afraid for my
mother’s safety or mine. It was my first day here, and I literally run into the
most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.”

I look down. My hand is still clasped in
his. The difference in our hands is striking, at least to me. His hand is big, large
enough to cover mine completely. My fingers are long and thin, his are thick
and powerful with worn, strong knuckles.

My hand is dark brown, the color of dark
chocolate. His is the same shade as a delicious Blondie bar, tanned from riding
his motorcycle in the autumn sun.

He doesn’t even seem to care, or notice
the differences; the things he is saying about me---it’s as if there is nothing
different about us at all.

Cooper Goode doesn’t care that I am
black, and he is white.

My heart soars when I finally realize
this.

“And after I met you,” he continues. “I
knew I wanted you in my life. No, I knew I
needed
you there. So I wrote the song, and I’m just lucky I was able to play it in a
venue where you could hear it. And know how I felt.”

My eyes lift to his. I’m not expecting
the burning heat that lights them on fire. His eyes are literally smoldering
for me, and I can’t help it. My eyes dart to his lips, and he licks them. My mouth
is crushed against his before I can think about it, and we are like two magnets
drawn together by a physical force.

He doesn’t even seem startled by the
kiss. His mouth answers mine like my lips belong exactly where they are, entangled
with his. His arms encircle me, and I melt against his body with a sigh. My whole
being trembles with electricity, and I can’t—no,
won’t
—break this connection. I’ve never felt anything like
it, and I’m finally home. When we finally break free of the kiss, I know I am
changed.

Cooper Goode has undone me.

He leans his forehead against mine,
breathing heavily. He places his hands on either side of my face. “Well, that
did it.”

“Did what?” I ask, just as breathless as
he is.

“You’ve completely fucked me up. Now I
don’t know what I’m going to do when you go back to acting like I don’t exist
on Monday.”

My mouth drops open. “Cooper! I do not
act like you don’t exist. We have a class together and I see you at lunch every
day.”

“I know that, Cam, but I have no place in
your world. Sometimes I feel like you are actually avoiding me like the plague.
There have been several days where I run in the bathroom and check my armpits,
just to make sure I’m not repelling you with my stink.”

“It’s not you, Cooper,” I reply, smiling.

“What is it? The fact that you’re with
Luka?”

I sigh. “I’m not with Luka. Everyone
thinks that, but we are not officially a couple. And I told him that I haven’t
figured out if I want to be.” I drew lines in the sand with one finger.

“So, if you’re not Luka’s girlfriend,
then why have you been ignoring me?”

Cooper ducks his head, trying to look
into my eyes.

“Because…everything I feel for you scares
the hell out of me.”

His face cracks into a beaming smile.

“Finally. A hint of honesty from you. I could
tell all along you weren’t feeling Luka. It’s like you’ve been doing what
everyone expects you to do or something. Do you, Cam. Just do you. If that
doesn’t include me, then that’s fine. But I don’t want to see you in a
relationship that doesn’t excite you just because people expect it. And don’t
let the fact that I look different than any other guy you’ve ever dated stop
this from happening.”

Tonight I have to admit something. My
happiness does include Cooper, no matter how hard I have tried to fight it.