Complete Poems and Plays (47 page)

The burden of all the family. And I am a little frightened.

H
ARRY
.
You, frightened! I can hardly imagine it.

I wish I had known — but that was impossible.

I only now begin to have some understanding

Of you, and of all of us. Family affection

Was a kind of formal obligation, a duty

Only noticed by its neglect. One had that part to play.

After such training, I could endure, these ten years,

Playing a part that had been imposed upon me;

And I returned to find another one made ready —

The book laid out, lines underscored, and the costume

Ready to be put on. But it is very odd:

When other people seemed so strong, their apparent strength

Stifled my decision. Now I see

I might even become fonder of my mother —

More compassionate at least — by understanding.

But she would not like that. Now I see

I have been wounded in a war of phantoms,

Not by human beings — they have no more power than I.

The things I thought were real are shadows, and the real

Are what I thought were private shadows. O that awful privacy

Of the insane mind! Now I can live in public.

Liberty is a different kind of pain from prison.

A
GATHA
.
I only looked through the little door

When the sun was shining on the rose-garden:

And heard in the distance tiny voices

And then a black raven flew over.

And then I was only my own feet walking

Away, down a concrete corridor

In a dead air. Only feet walking

And sharp heels scraping. Over and under

Echo and noise of feet.

I was only the feet, and the eye

Seeing the feet: the unwinking eye

Fixing the movement. Over and under.

H
ARRY
.
In and out, in an endless drift

Of shrieking forms in a circular desert

Weaving with contagion of putrescent embraces

On dissolving bone. In and out, the movement

Until the chain broke, and I was left

Under the single eye above the desert.

A
GATHA
.
Up and down, through the stone passages

Of an immense and empty hospital

Pervaded by a smell of disinfectant,

Looking straight ahead, passing barred windows.

Up and down. Until the chain breaks.

H
ARRY
.
To and fro, dragging my feet

Among inner shadows in the smoky wilderness,

Trying to avoid the clasping branches

And the giant lizard. To and fro.

Until the chain breaks.

The chain breaks,

The wheel stops, and the noise of machinery,

And the desert is cleared, under the judicial sun

Of the final eye, and the awful evacuation

Cleanses.

I was not there, you were not there, only our phantasms

And what did not happen is as true as what did happen

O my dear, and you walked through the little door

And I ran to meet you in the rose-garden.

A
GATHA
.
This is the next moment. This is the beginning.

We do not pass twice through the same door

Or return to the door through which we did not pass.

I have seen the first stage: relief from what happened

Is also relief from that unfulfilled craving

Flattered in sleep, and deceived in waking.

You have a long journey.

H
ARRY
.
Not yet! not yet! this is the first time that I have been free

From the ring of ghosts with joined hands, from the pursuers,

And come into a quiet place.

Why is it so quiet?

Do you feel a kind of stirring underneath the air?

Do you? don’t you? a communication, a scent

Direct to the brain … but not just as before,

Not quite like, not the same …

[
The
E
UMENIDES
appear
]

and this time

You cannot think that I am surprised to see you.

And you shall not think that I am afraid to see you.

This time, you are real, this time, you are outside me,

And just endurable. I know that you are ready,

Ready to leave Wishwood, and I am going with you.

You followed me here, where I thought I should escape you —

No! you were already here before I arrived.

Now I see at last that I am following you,

And I know that there can be only one itinerary

And one destination. Let us lose no time. I will follow.

[
The
curtains
close.
A
GATHA
goes
to
the
window,
in
a
somnambular
fashion,
and
opens
the
curtains,
disclosing
the
empty
embrasure.
She
steps
into
the
place
which
the
E
UMENIDES
had
occupied.
]

A
GATHA
.
A curse comes to being

As a child is formed.

In both, the incredible

Becomes the actual

Without our intention

Knowing what is intended.

A curse is like a child, formed

In a moment of unconsciousness

In an accidental bed

Or under an elder tree

According to the phase

Of the determined moon.

A curse is like a child, formed

To grow to maturity:

Accident is design

And design is accident

In a cloud of unknowing.

O my child, my curse,

You shall be fulfilled:

The knot shall be unknotted

And the crooked made straight.

[
She
moves
back
into
the
room
]

What have I been saying? I think I was saying

That you have a long journey. You have nothing to stay for.

Think of it as like a children’s treasure hunt:

Here you have found a clue, hidden in the obvious place.

Delay, and it is lost. Love compels cruelty

To those who do not understand love.

What you have wished to know, what you have learned

Mean the end of a relation, make it impossible.

You did not intend this, I did not intend it,

No one intended, but … You must go.

H
ARRY
.
Shall we ever meet again?

A
GATHA
.
                                          Shall we ever meet again?

And who will meet again? Meeting is for strangers.

Meeting is for those who do not know each other.

H
ARRY
.
I know that I have made a decision

In a moment of clarity, and now I feel dull again.

I only know that I made a decision

Which your words echo. I am still befouled,

But I know there is only one way out of defilement —

Which leads in the end to reconciliation.

And I know that I must go.

A
GATHA
.
                                  You must go.

[
Enter
A
MY
]

A
MY
.
What are you saying to Harry? He has only arrived,

And you tell him to go?

A
GATHA
.
                             He shall go.

A
MY
.
He shall go? and who are you to say he shall go?

I think I know well enough why you wish him to go.

A
GATHA
.
I wish nothing. I only say what I know must happen.

A
MY
.
You only say what you intended to happen.

H
ARRY
.
                                                                    Oh, mother,

This is not to do with Agatha, any more than with the rest of you.

My advice has come from quite a different quarter,

But I cannot explain that to you now. Only be sure

That I know what I am doing, and what I must do,

And that it is the best thing for everybody.

But at present, I cannot explain it to anyone:

I do not know the words in which to explain it —

That is what makes it harder. You must just believe me,

Until I come again.

A
MY
.
But why are you going?

H
ARRY
.
                                     I can only speak

And you cannot hear me. I can only speak

So you may not think I conceal an explanation,

And to tell you that I would have liked to explain.

A
MY
.
Why should Agatha know, and I not be allowed to?

H
ARRY
.
I do not know whether Agatha knows

Or how much she knows. Any knowledge she may have —

It was not I who told her … All this year,

This last year, I have been in flight

But always in ignorance of invisible pursuers.

Now I know that all my life has been a flight

And phantoms fed upon me while I fled. Now I know

That the last apparent refuge, the safe shelter,

That is where one meets them. That is the way of spectres …

A
MY
.
There is no one here!

No one, but your family!

H
ARRY
.
                               And now I know

That my business is not to run away, but to pursue,