Complete Poems and Plays (51 page)

Listening to all we say!

E
DWARD
.
                            No, she’s not in the pantry.

C
ELIA
.
Will she be away for some time, Edward?

E
DWARD
.
I really don’t know until I hear from her.

If her aunt is very ill, she may be gone some time.

C
ELIA
.
And how will you manage while she is away?

E
DWARD
.
I really don’t know. I may go away myself.

C
ELIA
.
Go away yourself!

J
ULIA
.
                                 Have you an aunt too?

E
DWARD.
No, I haven’t any aunt. But I might go away.

C
ELIA
.
But, Edward … what was I going to say?

It’s dreadful for old ladies alone in the country,

And almost impossible to get a nurse.

J
ULIA
.
Is that her Aunt Laura?

E
DWARD
.
                                   No; another aunt

Whom you wouldn’t know. Her mother’s sister

And rather a recluse.

J
ULIA
.
                              Her favourite aunt?

E
DWARD
.
Her aunt’s favourite niece. And she’s rather difficult.

When she’s ill, she insists on having Lavinia.

J
ULIA
.
I never heard of her being ill before.

E
DWARD
.
No, she’s always very strong. That’s why when she’s ill

She gets into a panic.

J
ULIA
.
                             And sends for Lavinia.

I quite understand. Are there any prospects?

E
DWARD
.
No, I think she put it all into an annuity.

J
ULIA
.
So it’s very unselfish of Lavinia

Yet very like her. But really, Edward,

Lavinia may be away for weeks,

Or she may come back and be called away again.

I understand these tough old women —

I’m one myself. I feel as if I knew

All about that aunt in Hampshire.

E
DWARD
.
                                            Hampshire?

J
ULIA
.
Didn’t you say Hampshire?

E
DWARD
.
                                         No, I didn’t say Hampshire.

J
ULIA
.
Did you say Hampstead?

E
DWARD
.
                                       No, I didn’t say Hampstead.

J
ULIA
.
But she must live somewhere.

E
DWARD
.
                                              She lives in Essex.

J
ULIA
.
Anywhere near Colchester? Lavinia loves oysters.

E
DWARD
.
No. In the
depths
of Essex.

J
ULIA
.
                                                    Well, we won’t probe into it.

You have the address, and the telephone number?

I might run down and see Lavinia

On my way to Cornwall. But let’s be sensible:

Now you must let me be
your
maiden aunt —

Living on an annuity, of course.

I am going to make you dine alone with me

On Friday, and talk to me about everything.

E
DWARD
.
Everything?

J
ULIA
.
                           Oh, you know what I mean.

The next election. And the secrets of your cases.

E
DWARD
.
Most of my secrets are quite uninteresting.

J
ULIA
.
Well, you shan’t escape. You dine with me on Friday.

I’ve already chosen the people you’re to meet.

E
DWARD
.
But you asked me to dine with you alone.

J
ULIA
.
                                                                         Yes, alone!

Without Lavinia! You’ll like the other people —

But you’re to talk to me. So that’s all settled.

And now I must be going.

E
DWARD
.
                               Must you be going?

P
ETER
.
But won’t you tell the story about Lady Klootz?

J
ULIA
.
What Lady Klootz?

C
ELIA
.
                                 And the wedding cake.

J
ULIA
.
Wedding cake? I wasn’t at her wedding.

Edward, it’s been a delightful evening:

The potato crisps were really excellent.

Now let me see. Have I got everything?

It’s such a nice party, I hate to leave it.

It’s such a nice party, I’d like to repeat it.

Why don’t you
all
come to dinner on Friday?

No, I’m afraid my good Mrs. Batten

Would give me notice. And now I must be going.

A
LEX
.
I’m afraid
I
ought to be going.

P
ETER
.
                                                   Celia —

May I walk along with you?

C
ELIA
.
                                       No, I’m sorry, Peter;

I’ve got to take a taxi.

J
ULIA
.
                          You come with me, Peter:

You can get
me
a taxi, and then I can drop you.

I expect you on Friday, Edward. And Celia —

I must see you very soon. Now don’t all go

Just because I’m going. Good-bye, Edward.

E
DWARD
.
Good-bye, Julia.

[
Exeunt
J
ULIA
and
P
ETER
]

C
ELIA
.
                                 Good-bye, Edward.

Shall I see you soon?

E
DWARD
.
                       Perhaps. I don’t know.

C
ELIA.
Perhaps you don’t know? Very well, good-bye.

E
DWARD
.
Good-bye, Celia.

A
LEX
.
                                   Good-bye, Edward. I do hope

You’ll have better news of Lavinia’s aunt.

E
DWARD
.
Oh … yes … thank you. Good-bye, Alex,

It was nice of you to come.

[
Exeunt
A
LEX
and
C
ELIA
]

[
To
the
U
NIDENTIFIED
G
UEST
]
Don’t go yet.

Don’t go yet. We’ll finish the cocktails.

Or would you rather have whisky?

U
NIDENTIFIED
G
UEST
.
                  Gin.

E
DWARD
.
Anything in it?

U
NIDENTIFIED
G
UEST
.
A drop of water.

E
DWARD
.
I want to apologise for this evening.

The fact is, I tried to put off this party:

These were only the people I couldn’t put off

Because I couldn’t get at them in time;

And I didn’t know that
you
were coming.

I thought that Lavinia had told me the names

Of all the people she said she’d invited.

But it’s only that dreadful old woman who mattered —

I shouldn’t have minded anyone else,

[
The
doorbell
rings.
E
DWARD
goes
to
the
door,
saying
:]

But she always turns up when she’s least wanted.

[
Opens
the
door
]

Julia!

[
Enter
J
ULIA
]

J
ULIA
.
     Edward! How lucky that it’s raining!

It made me remember my umbrella,

And there it is! Now what are you two plotting?

How very lucky it was my umbrella,

And not Alexander’s —
he’s
so inquisitive!

But
I
never poke into other people’s business.

Well, good-bye again. I’m off at last.

[
Exit
]

E
DWARD
.
I’m sorry. I’m afraid I don’t know your name.

U
NIDENTIFIED
G
UEST
.
I ought to be going.

E
DWARD
.
                                                      Don’t go yet.

I very much want to talk to somebody;

And it’s easier to talk to a person you don’t know.

The fact is, that Lavinia has left me.

U
NIDENTIFIED
G
UEST
.
Your wife has left you?

E
DWARD
.
                                                     Without warning, of course;

Just when she’d arranged a cocktail party.

She’d gone when I came in, this afternoon.

She left a note to say that she was leaving me;

But I don’t know where she’s gone.

U
NIDENTIFIED
G
UEST
.
                           This is an occasion.

May I take another drink?

E
DWARD
.
                              Whisky?

U
NIDENTIFIED
G
UEST
.
                     Gin.

E
DWARD
.
Anything in it?

U
NIDENTIFIED
G
UEST
.
Nothing but water.