Complete Poems and Plays (55 page)

You know her in a different way from me

And you are so much older.

E
DWARD
.
                                  So much older?

P
ETER
.
Yes, I’m sure that she would listen to you

As someone disinterested.

E
DWARD
.
                                Well, I will see Celia.

P
ETER
.
Thank you, Edward. It’s very good of you.

[
Enter
A
LEX
,
with
his
jacket
on
]

A
LEX
.
Oh, Edward! I’ve prepared you such a treat!

I really think that of all my triumphs

This is the greatest. To make something out of nothing!

Never, even when travelling in Albania,

Have I made such a supper out of so few materials

As I found in your refrigerator. But of course

I was lucky to find half-a-dozen eggs.

E
DWARD
.
What! You used all those eggs! Lavinia’s aunt

Has just sent them from the country.

A
LEX
.
                                                      Ah, so the aunt

Really exists. A substantial proof.

E
DWARD
.
No, no … I mean, this is another aunt.

A
LEX
.
I understand. The real aunt. But you’ll be grateful.

There are very few peasants in Montenegro

Who can have the dish that you’ll be eating, nowadays.

E
DWARD
.
But what about my breakfast?

A
LEX
.
                                                          Don’t worry about breakfast.

All you should want is a cup of black coffee

And a little dry toast. I’ve left it simmering.

Don’t leave it longer than another ten minutes.

Now I’ll be going, and I’ll take Peter with me.

P
ETER
.
Edward, I’ve taken too much of your time,

And you want to be alone. Give my love to Lavinia

When she comes back … but, if you don’t mind,

I’d rather you didn’t tell
her
what I’ve told you.

E
DWARD
.
I shall not say anything about it to Lavinia.

P
ETER
.
Thank you, Edward. Good night.

E
DWARD
.
                                                    Good night, Peter,

And good night, Alex. Oh, and if you don’t mind,

Please
shut
the
door
after
you,
so that it latches.

A
LEX.
Remember, Edward, not more than ten minutes, Twenty minutes, and my work will be ruined. 

[
Exeunt
A
LEX
and
P
ETER
]

[E
DWARD
picks
up
the
telephone,
and
dials
a
number
]

E
DWARD
.
Is Miss Celia Coplestone in? … How long ago? …

No, it doesn’t matter.

CURTAIN 

The same room:
a
quarter
of
an
hour
later.
E
DWARD
is
alone,
playing
Patience.
The
doorbell
rings,
and
he
goes
to
answer
it.

C
ELIA’S
V
OICE
.
Are you alone?

[E
DWARD
returns
with
C
ELIA
]

E
DWARD
.
                                Celia! Why have you come back?

I said I would telephone as soon as I could:

And I tried to get you a short while ago.

C
ELIA
.
If there had happened to be anyone with you

I was going to say I’d come back for my umbrella….

I must say you don’t seem very pleased to see me.

Edward, I understand what has happened

But I could not understand your manner on the telephone.

It did not seem like you. So I felt I must see you.

Tell me it’s all right, and then I’ll go.

E
DWARD
.
But how can you say you understand what has happened?

I
don’t know what has happened, or what is going to happen;

And to try to understand it, I want to be alone.

C
ELIA
.
I should have thought it was perfectly simple.

Lavinia has left you.

E
DWARD
.
                       Yes, that
was
the situation.

I suppose it was pretty obvious to everyone.

C
ELIA
.
It was obvious that the aunt was a pure invention

On the spur of the moment, and not a very good one.

You should have been prepared with something better, for Julia;

But it doesn’t really matter. They will know soon enough.

Doesn’t that settle all our difficulties?

E
DWARD
.
It has only brought to light the real difficulties.

C
ELIA
.
But surely, these are only temporary.

You know I accepted the situation

Because a divorce would ruin your career;

And we thought that Lavinia would never want to leave you.

Surely you don’t hold to that silly convention

That the husband must always be the one to be divorced?

And if she chooses to give
you
the grounds …

E
DWARD
.
I see. But it is not like that at all.

Lavinia is coming back.

C
ELIA
.
                                    Lavinia coming back!

Do you mean to say that she’s laid a trap for us?

E
DWARD
.
No. If there is a trap, we are all in the trap,

We have set it for ourselves. But I do not know

What kind of a trap it is.

C
ELIA
.
                                     Then what has happened?

[
The
telephone
rings
]

E
DWARD
.
Damn the telephone. I suppose I must answer it.

Hello … oh, hello! … No. I mean yes, Alex;

Yes, of course … it was marvellous.

I’ve never tasted anything like it …

Yes, that’s very interesting. But I just wondered

Whether it mightn’t be rather indigestible? …

Oh, no, Alex, don’t bring me any cheese;

I’ve got some cheese … No, not Norwegian;

But I don’t really want cheese … Slipper what? …

Oh, from Jugoslavia … prunes and alcohol?

No, really, Alex, I don’t want anything.

I’m very tired. Thanks awfully, Alex.

Good night.

C
ELIA
.
         What on earth was that about?

E
DWARD
.
That was Alex.

C
ELIA
.
                               I know it was Alex.

But what was he talking of?

E
DWARD
.
                                   I had quite forgotten.

He made his way in, a little while ago,

And insisted on cooking me something for supper;

And he said I must eat it within ten minutes.

I suppose it’s still cooking.

C
ELIA
.
                                     You suppose it’s still cooking!

I thought I noticed a peculiar smell:

Of course it’s still cooking — or doing
something.

I must go and investigate.

[
Starts
to
leave
the
room
]

E
DWARD
.
                               For heaven’s sake, don’t bother!

[
Exit
C
ELIA
]

Suppose someone came and found you in the kitchen?

[E
DWARD
goes
over
to
the
table
and
inspects
his
game
of
Patience.
He
moves
a
card.
The
doorbell
rings
repeatedly.
Re-enter
C
ELIA
,
in
an
apron.
]

C
ELIA
.
You’d better answer the door, Edward.

It’s the best thing to do. Don’t lose your head.

You see, I really did leave my umbrella;

And I’ll say I found you here starving and helpless

And had to do something. Anyway, I’m
staying

And I’m not going to hide.

[
Returns
to
kitchen.
The
bell
rings
again.
E
DWARD
goes
to
front
door,
and
is
heard
to
say:
]

 Julia!

What have you come back for?

[
Enter
J
ULIA
]

J
ULIA
.
                                              I’ve had an inspiration!

[
Enter
C
ELIA
with
saucepan
]

C
ELIA
.
Edward, it’s ruined!

E
DWARD
.
                              What a good thing.

C
ELIA
.
But it’s ruined the saucepan too.

E
DWARD
.
                                                 
And
half a dozen eggs:

I wanted one for breakfast. A boiled egg.

It’s the only thing I know how to cook.

J
ULIA
.
Celia! I see you’ve had the same inspiration

That I had. Edward must be fed.

He’s under such a strain. We must keep his strength up.

Edward! Don’t you realise how lucky you are

To have
two
Good Samaritans? I never heard of that before.

E
DWARD
.
The man who fell among thieves was luckier than I:

He was left at an inn.

J
ULIA
.
                              Edward, how ungrateful.

What’s in that saucepan?

C
ELIA
.
                                   Nobody knows.

E
DWARD
.
It’s something that Alex came and prepared for me.

He
would
do it. Three Good Samaritans.

I forgot all about it.

J
ULIA
.
                           But you mustn’t touch it.

E
DWARD
.
Of course I shan’t touch it.

J
ULIA
.
                                                   My dear, I should have warned you:

Anything that Alex makes is absolutely deadly.

I could tell such tales of his poisoning people.

Now, my dear, you give me that apron

And we’ll see what I can do. You stay and talk to Edward.

[
Exit
J
ULIA
]

C
ELIA
.
But what has happened, Edward? What has happened?

E
DWARD
.
Lavinia is coming back, I think.

C
ELIA
.
You think! Don’t you know?

E
DWARD
.
No, but I believe it. That man who was here —

C
ELIA
.
Yes, who was that man? I was rather afraid of him;

He has some sort of power.

E
DWARD
.
                                        I don’t know who he is.

But I had some talk with him, when the rest of you had left,

And he said he would bring Lavinia back, tomorrow.

C
ELIA
.
But why should that man want to bring her back —

Unless he is the Devil! I could believe he was.

E
DWARD
.
Because I asked him to.

C
ELIA
.
                                             Because you asked him to!

Then he
must
be the Devil! He must have bewitched you.

How did he persuade you to want her back?

[
A
popping
noise
is
heard
from
the
kitchen
]

E
DWARD
.
What the devil’s that?

[
Re-enter
J
ULIA
,
in
apron,
with
a
tray
and
three
glasses
]

J
ULIA
.
                                           I’ve had an inspiration!

There’s nothing in the place fit to eat:

I’ve looked high and low. But I found some champagne —

Only a half-bottle, to be sure,

And of course it isn’t chilled. But it’s so refreshing;

And I thought, we are all in need of a stimulant

After this disaster. Now I’ll propose a health.

Can you guess whose health I’m going to propose?

E
DWARD
.
No, I can’t. But I won’t drink to Alex’s.

J
ULIA
.
Oh, it isn’t Alex’s. Come, I give you