Confessions of a Backup Dancer (25 page)

I spun around and saw them walking toward me. I ran in their direction. I was like, “Hi omigod it's sooo good to see you … yay you made it to the show!! I know I know the show totally sucked, I'm sorry …”

no one said anything.

then mom goes, baby it's so good to see you I miss you there's so much going on oh you look so great honey! and l'm so sorry blah blah.

I'm like sorry for what.

and she goes, “oh sweetie don't you know we missed the show tonight. we thought it was starting later. I guess they tape it earlier than they show it or something I don't know but we got here and the show's over and I guess we had the wrong information.”

my shoulders slumped. I was like you missed the show?

all three of them nodded in unison.

tito was like “we're sorry.”

I dropped my head. It's ok, I said.

I guess I was used to mom missing my shows.

actually, no I wasn't. I was pretty pissed but I kept quiet while mom kept talking

she goes, I'm so sorry baby. I love you so much, there's just so much going on. carl is gone, we have to move in like the next 2 weeks. I just don't know how we're going to afford our own place. and evan's school. Carl's moving to LA, which is good because we can't leave san diego and I've been temping and I'm applying to get back into teaching in the fall but it's probably only going to be substitute for a year and I can't believe I quit working to take care of that man's kids I mean there were times that he really scared me, but … sweetie look at your hair it's so cute and you look great I missed you so much. I don't know what happened sweetie. I just got lost. I just didn't want a second marriage to go bad. I know it's not my fault, I don't know. I don't know. I'm sorry. I know you didn't get along with them. honey look how skinny you are I miss you. what are we going to do about evan and his school?

I mumbled about how I had some money put aside for evan, about how this summer I'd saved almost $4,000 for his tuition.

evan wandered off right then. tito goes, “wow that's a lot.”

mom said no, you keep that. that won't help. then she said that was about $12,000 short for the year. she said the twelve-thousand-dollars part really slow. it was like she was announcing it to an audience or something. That won't help, she said. she started to sniffle.

I was seething. not only could she not make it to my show to see me dance, she can't even appreciate what I'm doing for evan. I wasn't sure if I was more mad at myself or at her.

mom, you know what? thanks for missing my show. I'll let you know when I'm back in town. tito, evan, later. I turned and walked out. forget this, I thought.

on my way out the door I walked past Pashmina's dressing room. the door was ajar, and I could see her there, alone, staring into the mirror and pulling off her fake eyelashes. she looked even lonelier than I was. she looked at me in the mirror, then looked back at herself. I left.

I went back to the hotel by myself. there I had the most beautiful view of the san diego harbor. this was my hometown, and I was atop it. all by myself.

so this is what success feels like, I thought.

there's someone at the door, hold on.

SUNDAY AUGUST 4

GRAND HOTEL

SAN DIEGO, 11:55
PM

That was Pashmina at the door.

Her hair was tied back in a ponytail, she had no makeup at all on, and she was wearing nothing but one of the hotel's brown terry robes. it swallowed her up. I was amazed at how different she looked out of costume, she was small, with big eyes, she looked like ET. (but a lot prettier, if she's reading this.) anyway she goes, “hi” and her voice was really really soft, kinda shaky and nervous.

I go, Hi.

she goes, Listen I don't want to make a big deal out of this but I overheard you and your mom talking in the dancers' dressing room earlier and I just want you to know I know what you're going through and she hands me an envelope. “I know what it's like when your family is all crazy like that. this is for your brother. don't thank me, and do me a favor and let's not talk about this again.

and she left. she was there only like 30 seconds and never really looked me in the eyes the whole time. she came and went so fast I wasn't sure she had actually been there. I didn't know what just happened.

then I remembered the envelope in my hand. I opened it up and found two checks … one from “Pashmina with Love, Inc.” for $10,000 and one from her personal checking account for $2,000. $12,000 altogether.

I was pretty stunned. but all I could think about was how mean I was to my mom tonight.

FRIDAY AUGUST 23

ON THE BUS

JUST LEFT MIDLAND, TX, 11
PM

Outfit:
Don't laugh … cowboy hat. what can I say I look pretty good in it.

Hair:
ok, ok, I have braids in too. I know, I know.

Mood:
Oddly relaxed.

I haven't written much, haven't had time. we've done 6 shows a week, and my days off I was in a coma. was I just in San Diego?

but we're in the home stretch.

I haven't spoken to mom, but I managed to get tito on the phone for a couple of minutes on Tuesday night I think it was. he said he'd seen my mom a few times since I was in san diego and that she's doing ok. I was like tito you're the best. and he is.

I told him about the money. he was amazed. I told him not to tell anyone but I bet he'll tell my mom.

this tour is way different than darcy's. people keep their heads down here. I was the only one who cracked up when we were watching TV on the bus and there was this shot of Pashmina saying “I'd love to go to the Monte Carlo Music Awards. Where are they being held this year?” everyone was like too scared to giggle or anything. it was weird. you would have thought people could find some comedy there.

also with darcy I never had to, like, wait for the bathroom on the bus or anything … I was riding with darcy. this time I'm with seven other dancers and four band guys (the rest of the band has another bus. yep, she travels with a full band …) so it's really interesting when we crash at night, er, try to crash at night. it's not like everyone's making out with everyone else. but of course there's one couple on the tour, the d-run and tina if you will, and they're noisier by the night. then there's the basic “we're all sleeping in the same place” giggling or fighting or farting or whatever. it's like no sleep till we get where we're going. it's not exactly a
playful
group, just a busy one.

the only sucky thing is Pashmina hasn't even really let me say “thanks” or anything for the money she gave me. I mean, I went to my bank first thing the next morning (good thing I was in san diego) and opened up a new account so it could earn some interest before evan's tuition was due.

anyway so evan doesn't have to worry but every time I've tried to corner Pashmina to thank her she's been really cold, like “I can't talk now.” once she even said “don't worry it was tax-free and I can write it off” so I just scribbled her a thank-you card and gave it to her bodyguard and gave up. and I never heard another word about it.

I found out later that she's actually opening a career center for recently released juvenile delinquents in her hometown. which I have to say is pretty cool.

SATURDAY AUGUST 24

STILL ON THE BUS, 12:30
AM

something came over the radio like 20 minutes ago … there are reports that darcy barnes and jesse nixon were killed in a car crash.

I'm worried. I guess I do care after all.

I've been trying to page darcy but getting no response. damn I don't even know if I have the right number.

I borrowed the bassist's satellite modem hookup and emailed her, too. he wouldn't let me surf for news, though … he said his battery's been running out too fast lately and he needs to save energy so he can email his daughter in the morning.

also he said it'll just make us all more freaked out because we'll find conflicting information and no one knows the real story yet so why make yourself more crazy by surfing around when you won't find anything any faster than the people at the radio station? why not wait for the official news?

I was like whatever. that's my
friend
. I just pulled on my headphones and turned up my Dido CD and stared out the window watching the headlights racing by.

SATURDAY AUGUST 24

HOUSTON RITZ

HOUSTON, 11
PM

Outfit:
still in the cowboy hat but have big fat sunglasses now. didn't sleep much last night was just worried about darcy. I mean she's my friend even though we left on really bad terms and everything. anyway we found out this morning at 3 AM that it was definitely not true … actually they were together at hogs ‘n heifers all night.

Mood:
Cranky. see not sleeping comment above.

Fortune:
it's true … things happen in threes.

I was so relieved that darcy wasn't dead.

but we got some even more important news this morning when we pulled into the hotel in Houston.

Pashmina was shoveling down a little tub of Kozy Shack when she climbed onto our bus before anyone could get off and goes, “ok we're postponing our Mobile and Birmingham shows this coming week because we're going to new york to be on the new divas alive. I'll be flying on Wednesday, the rest of you will drive up leaving monday. we begin rehearsals on Wednesday night.”

at first I was like omigod am I gonna meet gwen stefani or faith or maybe mariah? am I at least gonna meet Gloria Estefan? she's always at those things!

then I was like probably not. we'll all be shoved into the
tackiest back greenroom as usual. backup dancers are always like totally ignored by everyone else. kinda like opening acts.