“Let it out,” he murmured. He sounded closer, but not close enough to touch. “You don’t have to keep quiet. There’s nobody around.”
My panting grew harsher. He could sense the pain building inside of me. I gave a cry as something tore within me and then again, as if my moorings were ripping loose deep in my essence.
“That’s it; let go,” he urged.
I screamed. “It’s killing me!”
“I promise, you won’t die. I won’t let you, remember? I’ll take care of you, Allay.” He kept murmuring his assurances.
There was nothing else like fissioning—no human analogy could properly describe it. The spirit tore in half. It felt as if I were losing something precious and irrevocable.
Then there was nothing left but a howling wall of noise. It felt as if I were being diced alive, as if every atom inside of me were being split. There was no inside/outside—there were only tiny pieces of me floating loosely together.
Gradually, I realized there were two people living in the diffuse universe inside of me. We bumped and jostled each other, unable to fit in the too-small space within my skin. Which was me—both, none?
Then the other one lifted her arm away. Where my arm was left felt slack and empty.
The pain intensified as she tugged on my chest and head. I could hear it tearing inside my head, echoing inside of me as the other demon separated from me.
I curled on my side, groaning. Lying next to me was the pearly white form of a naked girl. Her short black hair went light, then dark again. Her expression mirrored my own—a round
O
of a mouth and dark pits for eyes.
I was grateful when Ram finally pulled me into his arms. His touch chased away the fear.
But I tensed up again when he held out one hand to ward off the new demon. He was radiating defensiveness. “Go away!”
“No, Ram,” I begged. “You’re scaring her.”
“Allay, demons are born hungry. They’ll attack anything that moves.”
The new demon sat up on her knees, watching us warily. “I don’t want to attack you. But I am hungry.”
I felt the demon’s name in her signature, an uplifting sensation, as if she were a feather being wafted on the breeze. . . . “Bliss,” I said in recognition.
Ram was still tense. “That’s certainly fitting. It would have been different if I had touched you during the birth. I was so anxious watching for other demons, it would have ruined that imprint.”
“I feel much better now.” I sighed, relaxing back against him. “That wasn’t fun.”
But Ram wouldn’t let me lie down. “We have to go, Allay. We’re too exposed here.”
I tried to cooperate, getting to my feet like a shaky colt. Where was all my newfound strength? Inside of Bliss. She looked perky enough for both of us.
“I’m hungry,” Bliss repeated more insistently.
“Get out of here,” Ram ordered.
I tried to pull away from him, remembering Glory’s words, and feeling, of all things, maternal. “Don’t be that way, Ram. She doesn’t mean any harm.”
“She’s a demon, Allay. You can’t take any chances.” Ram held on to me, not letting me get any closer to Bliss.
I watched her sitting there so calmly, crossing her legs to get comfortable. The initial shifting of her features had finally stopped, and she had settled back into my persona. It was a little disconcerting, like looking into a distorted mirror.
What would happen to her? The thought of baby turtles and their desperate dash to the sea haunted me.
Extending my senses as much as I could, I found a demon signature at the farthest extent of my reach. I couldn’t tell who it was, but he might have been drawn by the birth of Bliss. Demons must have sensed Ram’s strong signature while he was unshielded.
“Do you feel it?” I asked Ram.
“Two demons in the projects, and one farther down by Houston Street.”
He had a much longer reach than I did, but that made sense, seeing as how old he was. “Bliss won’t be able to get past them.”
“I’m more worried about getting
you
past them before you fall into a stupor.”
I felt the tug of unconsciousness trying to draw me down, but I resisted. I couldn’t let Ram push Bliss out of the nest to die.
“She’s coming with us,” I said.
“I am?” Bliss asked happily. Her smile was exactly like mine.
“Yes,” I said over Ram’s protest. “Of course you are.”
“I’m hungry,” Bliss repeated plaintively.
“
Allay
,” Ram warned, “she’s acting okay right now, but she could go psycho any second. New demons are changeable until they settle into themselves. You’re trusting her because she looks like you and she came from you. But that’s no way to judge a demon.”
“Let’s just get back to the bar. We’ll deal with judging everyone later.” He was propping me up, but I toppled over as I tried to reach for my clothes.
Ram stopped arguing and helped me get dressed, his hands gentle even as he shot Bliss hard looks.
“You can put on Pique’s clothes,” I told Bliss.
She nudged then with her bare toe. “They’re nasty.”
“You’ll only have to deal with it for a few minutes. You can change at the bar.”
Bliss carefully picked up each article of clothing, shaking them with a brisk snap to dislodge the rancid stench. But nothing but a good burning would help Pique’s clothes. She screwed up her nose and complained about the smell, getting dressed far too slowly. I offered to trade with her, but Ram wouldn’t hear of it.
Finally Bliss got the button-up shirt closed, and she had to hold up the jeans with one hand until she expanded her hips to a generous size. Now she looked like me with an extra twenty pounds.
Bliss tied the laces of her shoes with the same delight only a four-year-old could muster. She joined us with a slight bounce of excitement. “I’m ready.”
Everything seemed to spin around in a big loop—trees, ground, sky. I almost fell down. But Ram was supporting me, so I hardly had to make an effort to take each step. When he realized I was only going through the motions, he swept me up in his arms to carry me.
My head fell against his shoulder. I briefly closed my eyes, wishing I could let go. But I had to stay alert. It would attract attention if Ram had to carry me while I was passed out.
It was getting harder to reach out with my senses. The demon in the projects hadn’t moved. He could be confused by the way Ram’s signature kept coming and going. It would be smart of the others to be wary of him. I would bet on Ram even five against one.
Ram didn’t like that Bliss was following us. But it turned out I would never have made it up and over the chain-link fence without her help. Ram had to balance with me on top and carefully lower me down to her after she had climbed over. I felt like a useless bag of potatoes, but my muscles were shutting down despite my best efforts.
As I struggled to keep my eyes open, I was also grateful to have a girl walking beside us with a huge, sunny grin on her face. It certainly helped deflect suspicion. A pair of cops stationed at the end of the pedestrian walkway asked what was wrong as we approached, but I murmured, “I’m just dizzy. Too much sake with dinner. They’re taking me home.”
“This your sister?” one of the cops asked, staring from me to Bliss.
Bliss giggled, but I quickly agreed, and they let us by. I wondered what would have happened if I hadn’t been able to talk to them.
As we walked across the pedestrian bridge, passing over the highway, Ram said, “I’m going to unshield myself. I think that’s the best way to blast through these two demons up ahead. If they don’t give way, Bliss, you carry Allay back to the bar. I’ll take care of the demons.”
His matter-of-fact viciousness made me stiffen. I didn’t like it. It was his worst side. He killed his own progeny. And he thought that was a good thing.
What was evil? Knowingly doing harm?
If that was true, then I had done evil by killing Pique. Even if it saved thousands of people from suffering, it was still a harmful act. Pique was gone because of me. How quickly regret was catching up to me.
I hung on to Ram grimly as he carried me down the winding sidewalks between the towers of the project. Most people took one look at Bliss skipping alongside us and figured things were under control. A few catcalls and offers of help were easily turned aside.
The whole time, Ram continued to radiate his signature unshielded. I was grateful beyond measure when the other demons gave way as they felt his approach. I couldn’t sense who they were through Ram’s thrumming sensation. They had probably never felt such a strong signature before, and apparently had the good sense not to test him without further investigation.
But the final block to the bar almost did me in. I was wavering in and out of a daze, lulled to sleep by the rhythm of Ram’s stride.
“The keys are in my pocket,” I mumbled as we turned the corner.
Ram stopped dead. “Oh, no. Shock’s here.”
I turned to see, as Shock darted across the street, nearly getting hit by a cab. “Hey, you! Put her down now!”
“It’s all right,” I tried to say, but Shock was yelling at Ram so loudly that she didn’t hear me.
Ram finally set me down, and was pushed back into a wall by Shock. She tried to shove him farther down the street. It was well after midnight, so there weren’t many people around to see.
“He helped me, Shock.” I grabbed on to her leg, tasting her righteous anger—and fear. “He was bringing me home.”
Now that Ram, his hands held up, had backed off, Shock subsided. She crouched next to me, warily looking from me to Bliss. She could see the truth in my pearly glow, and the familiar persona that Bliss wore.
“You did it,” Shock realized. She gave me an awkward hug. “You did it, Allay. You’re not dying anymore.”
“No, I only feel like it.”
She clearly wanted to know whom I had consumed, but she could tell with one look that I felt bad about it. I wasn’t sure I had done the right thing following Ram’s lead. I was grateful, yes, but I wasn’t sure.
“You birthed this one?” Shock asked, though it was clear Bliss belonged to me.
It only took a moment longer for Shock to connect Bliss’s name with Ram’s presence. Her expression was so hurt and disapproving, I felt bad. Ram had tried to kill Shock, and now I was sleeping with him?
Shock was too good to say it out loud. Still, I heard it through our touch. “I’m sorry,” I murmured.
I could hardly hold up my head. I was going to pass out and leave everything a horrible mess.
“I’ve got to get you inside,” Shock said, picking me up herself. It must have looked odd, such a small delicate girl muscling me up with such ease. Her arms around me felt deceptively thin.
“Bliss! She has to come,” I insisted, reaching out for her.
“
No
,” both Shock and Ram protested at the same time. Then they stared at each other, distrust in every line of their bodies.
“I’m hungry,” Bliss repeated plaintively.
“Then go eat,” Shock said dismissively. She waited for a cab to pass by, then started across the avenue.
“Come with us, Bliss,” I called. To Shock, I pleaded, “Please take care of her, Shock. Feed her for me. Just till I wake up.”
“Allay!” Shock protested, appalled that I would ask.
“It’s too dangerous to take her into the bar,” Ram agreed. “You won’t be shielded, Allay. It will take only a minute for her to drain you dry. Shock, you can’t let her—”
“
Don’t
tell me what to do!” Shock glared at him. “I never intended to bring that creature in with us.”
“You can’t leave her out here to die,” I protested, or at least I tried to. I’m not sure what came out. If only I had more strength. If only I could stand on my own two feet and argue them down.
But my head was swimming, and blackness was creeping into my vision. I heard voices, but I couldn’t tell what they were saying anymore. My fight against the stupor was over, and it was winning.
Poor Bliss would be left on the curb like the broken bottles.
25
When I finally opened my eyes and stretched, I wallowed in the luxury of waking up. I hadn’t woken up in ten years, and it felt even better than I remembered. I was lying on my daybed looking at my favorite view; the light was shining the color of love through the rustling leaves of the acacia tree.
Shock was watching me from the chaise. “You’ve been out for fifteen hours.”
“That long?” I stretched again, smiling lazily.
“How do you feel?”
It was a good question. I pushed myself up, testing everything. The persistent ache in my belly, like a deadly tumor, was gone now that I had replenished myself. “Good. Back to normal.”
Shock finally smiled. “That’s a relief. Allay, why did you go out without me? You could have been killed.”
“Pique was chasing Mystify, and I had to do something to help him.”
“Wait a second—who’s Mystify?”
“Ram’s offspring. He birthed Mystify after he consumed Vex.” That was when I remembered. “Bliss! What happened to Bliss?”
“She’s downstairs in the bar. With Ram.” Shock’s sour expression said all she needed to say about that.
“You left her with him?” I wasn’t sure if I liked that. Straining, I could barely sense her floating-feather feeling. She had a light signature, like me. If I didn’t know what I was looking for, I wouldn’t have known a demon was down in my bar.
“You wanted us to bring her in,” Shock said with a shrug. “Ram agreed to feed her. I certainly wasn’t going to bring her up here while you were unshielded.”
