Consumed (Addicted to You Book 1) (23 page)

“Something like that,” I looked at the floor. “So let’s just cut to the facts. You are sorry and want to come back. We can stop pretending. We don’t have to act like there is any possibility that I will say anything but yes. I love you. I’m going to take you back. And you are going to leave again. So let’s just skip all the words and promises and false hope.”

“Do you really feel that way? Like it’s false hope?”

“Yes Spencer I do. Every time I hope that this will be the time that I’m enough. That nothing else will come in and be more important to you. That for once you won’t leave me. But every time you do. So I’d rather just walk into it knowing that it’s going to happen.”

“What can I do to change your mind?”

“I don’t know,” I answered. “I don’t know what it takes to show me that it will change. Because I don’t believe it will.”

“Let’s get a place,” He shot out.

“What?” his offer surprised me.

“Let’s find a place that is ours Avery. Not my place. Not here. Let’s move in together as a couple. Let’s make this official.”

“It’s always been official to me Spencer,” I reminded him.

“You know what I mean,” he said. “It’ll be our life. Our home. My promise to you that I won’t leave again.”

“Are you able to make that promise?” I asked, feeling hopeful for the first time since he’d walked in.

“Yes,” he nodded his head. “I will make that promise to you Avery. We can pick it out together.”

“I don’t have anything,” I remembered. “The furniture is Colby’s. I don’t have anything.”

“Me either. Mine came with the apartment.” He laughed. “We can find what we need.”

“I’m broke,” I added to the list of potential problems.

“Me too,” he agreed. “It’s perfect. Two broke and happy people go out and get an apartment and furniture that is barely sitting up and they move in together and live on macaroni and cheese and love.”

“You make poverty sound appealing,” I laughed.

“Anything where you are lying beside me is appealing,” he said, standing and walking over to the recliner. “Will you move in with me Avery?”

Tears filled my eyes as I nodded and agreed to live with Spencer. I agreed to trust him not to leave enough to bet half of the bills on the fact.

A few phone calls later and we had set up a few places to look at. Deciding to save gas, we hopped the bus went in search of our first home together. One of many, according to Spencer.

The second place we walked into was the one that we chose. It was still convenient to both of our jobs, but it wasn’t in the same neighborhood. Anyone walking in to the apartment would have seen a tiny kitchen that barely held appliances.They would have looked at the dreary walls in the living room and the carpet that needed to be removed and felt themselves shudder in disgust. The fact that there was no air and the heater was a boiler might have turned them off. Even the tiny bathroom, barely containing a shower and sink, would have deterred them.

But Spencer crafted a story so grand that I could see it. A table in the small corner of the kitchen that we would sit at and eat macaroni and cheese or ramen noodles. An old but comfy sofa in the living room that we had freshly. The perfect spot for curling up to watch the latest chick flicks. Trying to slip past each other to get into or out of the bathroom for a shower. A lumpy mattress on the bedroom floor that we would slide into at night and hold each other.

“It’s perfect,” I’d said. “I love the hardwood in the bedroom.”

“It needs work,” the landlord had admitted. “But if you are willing to do the work we can skip the deposit.”

He was probably just happy that someone wanted it. From a landlord’s perspective, this wasn’t a dream come true. But listening to Spencer tell me how it would look and what we would do in it made it my own fairy tale.

“We’ll take it,” Spencer smiled. “We will take it.”

Over the course of the next two weeks, Spencer and I went on a mad search for what we’d need for the apartment. Nothing that we found was new or even considered nice, but it was ours and that was all that mattered. Over the course of that time, he shared a little more about his family. His parents had some mental problems. He’d been raised mostly by an aunt.

His brother was trying to cope with things that happened during childhood. He didn’t share details and I didn’t ask. Anything he was willing to tell me was enough.

Colby and I sat and talked. We agreed to try and fix our friendship, but live apart. She wasn’t thrilled that I was moving in with Spencer, but she was happy that I was happy. We would make Thursdays our day and each Thursday we would find something fun to do that didn’t involve men. We also decided this would be the year for our trip to Myrtle Beach.

It seemed like no time, and yet it seemed like ages, when Spencer and I were walking into our apartment to stay for the first time. We opted to have Chinese and watch a movie rather than worry about unpacking.

As we pulled the blankets over us that night I felt happier than I’d ever been in my life. I was sharing a home and a life with the man I loved.

“Spencer?” I said his name quietly in case he’d fallen asleep.

“Yes baby?”

“You are going to stay right?” I asked, afraid that he’d change his mind.

“I’ll never leave you again Avery,” he rolled over and gave me a quick kiss. “I promise.”

Chapter 27

“Hey, it’s Avery,”

Straight to voicemail? What the hell was up with that?

“
I can’t seem to get to the phone,”

Hmph. This wasn’t a good thing.

“Probably because I’m spending time with my Spencer,”

Her words pierced my heart. My Spencer. How did I not hear this before?

“So leave a message and I’ll call ya back later. Maybe.”

Her giggle made me smile. The message barely caught it before the beep and I was listening so hard I almost didn’t realize that it was recording my message.

I didn’t say shit. What the fuck was I going to say? I hung up.

I just looked at the phone. Damn. Voicemail.

I dialed it again. Maybe she’d been making a call or something. But it didn’t even ring. Went straight into that message. I listened again. Couldn’t help it. I liked hearing her voice.

“Everything okay?” Kevin asked when he walked in and saw me looking down at his phone like a high school girl waiting on a prom invite.

“I guess,” I answered.

“Ya get her?” the question I’d expected.

I just shook my head no without saying much. Didn’t really know what to say. It was voicemail. Didn’t give me any answers.

“Try again in a little bit,” he suggested and I nodded. “Want a beer?”

That was an offer I absolutely wasn’t going to refuse. Nothing helped forget like an ice cold beer.

Not that I could forget much.

Kevin didn’t really know too much. I didn’t talk about it. He knew I’d left her. He knew that I wasn’t quite myself. He didn’t ask a lot of questions.

Wasn’t even sure what made me decide to call. Something in my gut said she wasn’t okay.

It was funny. I’d laughed whenever she started saying that weird stuff. She knew what I was thinking. She could feel it when something was bad. I’d laughed at her.

Maybe she was right. I felt it. Like she needed me.

Man, our relationship was weird. Not healthy at all. At least that’s how it felt sometimes.

Other times it didn’t matter. Like that one. When I thought something was wrong and I couldn’t fix it.

I probably didn’t even wait ten minutes before I tried again. Voicemail again.

“Fuck it,” I said out loud even though Kevin was in the other room. I didn’t need to sit all day and try to call her. I had to remember what I was doing and why.

“Maybe you should go there?” Kev suggested.

“Naw,” I answered. “She’s probably busy.”

“Maybe,” he conceded. “Maybe she needs you.”

I felt the twinge that always came when I thought of things like that. I didn’t want to feel that. It was those feelings that led to the shit storm I’d had to deal with after Juli. It would come with Avery too. I knew it. She’d get me all tied down and then she’d destroy my life.

But the thought that she needed me, it hurt. Deep inside. I wanted to be there for her. I couldn’t stand thinking of her in trouble and I couldn’t be there to help. I dialed the phone again and waited.

“Hey, It’s Avery,”

I pushed the end button. Something about her phone going to voicemail didn’t feel right. When I’d woke up with the idea that something was wrong, Kev had said I should call. It sounded like a good idea. A quick call and I’d learn that she was fine. Then I could go on with life being what it was now.

I watched as Kevin slid the powder around on the table, pushing it into a line. I hated watching him do that shit. Wasting his life and money. But if I were honest, sometimes I thought I should do it with him. Especially when I’d had a day like that one.

Wasn’t like I’d never tried. I liked it. But I’d chosen to walk away. I’d chosen to avoid the temptation. And it was oh so tempting. But so far I’d stuck to the beer. Still, in those moments when I felt what I was feeling right then, I thought about doing something a little more powerful.

“Want some bro?” he looked at me and pointed down to the table.

“I’m good, thanks,” I shook my head.

“Suit yourself,” he shrugged. “More for me.”

I watched him bend and sniff the powder and I envied him. The freedom. The release. The fact that he didn’t have to sit and worry about a girl that he shouldn’t be worrying about.

I dialed again.

“Hey, It’s Avery,”

What the fuck? Why was her phone going to voicemail? Was she hurt? Was she in danger? Had she gone and done something stupid?

The last one scared me the most. Avery wasn’t always the most stable. She had been known to make bad decisions. Loving me being one of the worst.

I wondered if she was home and upset and alone. Hiding from the world the way she sometimes would do. Hoping that I’d show up and make her feel okay again.

I didn’t like to think of that. It made me feel guilty. I wanted her to be okay. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted to know she was smiling. It was all I’d ever wanted.

Then again, what if she was? What if she was with someone else and happy? It’d been weeks. What if she turned her phone off to spend time with him? She’d never done that with me.

I wasn’t sure what pissed me off more. Thinking of her alone and hurting or with someone else and laughing.

“Why’d ya leave?” Kevin’s words calmed me a little bit.

“I’ll have to tell ya that one later,” I didn’t really want to talk about it.

He nodded as if he got it, but I was pretty sure he didn’t. I didn’t remember Kevin actually ever having anyone serious in his life. Maybe he had and I didn’t know it, but I couldn’t remember anyone.

“Ever miss being in love?” I asked him, curious what he’d say.

“Fuck no,” he laughed. “Love sucks.”

“Indeed,” I agreed with him.

“That what this is?” he looked at me again.

“What?”

“Love,” he said the word as if he wasn’t even sure he believed it to be a real word.

“I don’t know,” I shook my head. “I don’t really believe in love.”

“You did,” he reminded me.

“Yea,” I agreed. “Jamie ruined that for me.”

“So you don’t believe you can feel love?”

Kevin’s question surprised me. Not because he had asked it, but because of what he had asked. It wasn’t about whether I believed in love. He asked if I believed I could feel love.

Fuck, that wasn’t a question I could answer very easily.

Of course I could feel love. I’d felt it with Jamie first. I’d loved the hell out of that woman. I’d spent all of my money on her and then on that damned fucking ring I’d given her. I’d wanted her for the rest of my life. We had a perfect world planned.

Fucking whore. Not that she really was. I’d pushed her there. It was my fault. But still….

That was all I could think of her. But yes, I’d felt love for her.

And Avery. I’d felt love for her. Actually, I think I’d loved her more than Jamie. But I didn’t know how to tell anyone else that.

From the day I met her, I knew Avery and I had something different. I needed her. It wasn’t like I just enjoyed hanging out with her. I had to have her in my life. Which sounded kind of stupid as I thought about it while sitting at my brother’s house because I’d left her.

But either way, I’d felt love for her. I still felt love for her. Which is what was making me feel crazy as I kept trying to call and kept getting voicemail.

“Yea, I can feel love,” I admitted.

“Then why don’t you believe in it?” he asked.

“I just don’t,” I answered.

Picking up his phone, I dialed the number again.

“Hey, It’s Avery,”