Consumed (Addicted to You Book 1) (20 page)

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong with you?” Spencer asked as he handed me the dinner he’d chosen.

“Nothing,” I snapped.

“Okay,” he sat down and pulled out his own food. “I’ll be ready whenever you want to share.”

As usual I felt guilty and that angered me. I shouldn’t feel guilty because he was avoiding telling me what was going on. But he was so patient with me. So kind and caring. It was annoying when I was trying to be mad.

“You keep a lot of secrets,” I finally blurted out.

“Secrets?” He looked at me, confused and worried that he’d upset me.

“Yes,” I put down my container of food and looked at him. “There’s a lot I don’t know about you. It makes me think that you don’t think of this whole thing the way I do.”

“What kind of secrets Avery?” He looked surprised, but followed my lead and sat down his food to talk.

“Well,” I thought for a second. “I barely know what happened with Jamie that has made you the way you are. Something was going on with your brother that caused you to leave suddenly. I’ve never met or really heard about your parents.”

I could feel everything that had been bothering me bubbling up to the surface. This was going to be the time that I finally opened up and cleared the air about all that had been lingering deep in my mind.

“I don’t have a clue how you afforded to take me to Canoe Bay because I don’t know if you have savings or a credit card or a trust fund. Sometimes you won’t call or come around for a few days and I’m not even sure what you are doing. I’ve met a few of your friends, but I don’t know how they became your friends.”

My face was flushing with embarrassment as I started ticking off the things that I’d always held inside.

“You’ve ended things twice now and I still am not sure why or what makes you come back. I sit here and I feel like I know you. Deep down inside I know who you are. I can tell anyone your favorite shows or movies or even food. But then when it comes to the major details of life, I don’t know a damn thing. It confuses me and hurts me and frankly sometimes I feel like maybe we aren’t what I think we are.”

“Wow,” Spencer ran his hand through the top of his hair, a typical sign of stress for him.

“I pour my heart out and you say wow?”

“Sorry,” he seemed more than a little frustrated with me. “I’m not really sure what to say.”

“You asked,” I reminded him.

“I know,” he nodded. “I just didn’t realize that so much was bothering you.”

“Wouldn’t it bother you?”

I watched as he thought over what I’d just asked. He knew the answer. It would. He didn’t even like when I didn’t tell him about my arguments with Colby.

“Yes,” he finally confirmed. “I’m not lying to you Avery,” he added.

“No,” I agreed. “It’s not lying. It’s omitting. But it doesn’t matter. It still leaves me as the girlfriend that doesn’t know what’s important.”

“You know that I love you,” he added. “That’s the most important thing about me that anyone should know.”

“If you love me so much,” I felt a tear fall down my cheek, “then why do I not know anything else?”

“My life is …”

“If you say complicated I am going to get up and walk out the door,” I snapped. He knew how much I hated when people used the word complicated to describe something they didn’t want to talk about.

“Difficult,” he smiled. “There are things I don’t like to have to deal with, let alone share.”

“We are supposed to be a team,” I reminded. “We work together to fight our battles. At least that’s what I thought,” I added realizing that maybe he viewed things differently. “Maybe I was wrong.”

“No,” he stood up and began to pace. “You aren’t wrong. We are a team.”

“Then open up Spencer. Share with me. Let me be there for you.”

“What do you want to know Avery? What will make you feel like I really love you?”

“Don’t do that,” I knew what he was doing. Belittling my feelings to try and avoid the topic.

“Jamie left because I kept choosing other things over her,” he blurted out. “It hurt her. So she fell in love with my best friend that was dealing with the same problem. That’s why I push you so hard to work things out with Colby. Don’t choose me over her.”

“What were you choosing?”

“Does it fucking matter? Does it change anything?”

“It might Spencer!” I was yelling at this point. “Is it something you will choose over me?”

“No,” his voice calmed me slightly. “No it isn’t. But I’m in a different place.”

“Then why do you keep leaving me?” I cried out. “It hurts me. Why the fuck do you keep doing it?”

“Because I’m scared. Because my life is a fucking mess and I don’t know how a relationship will survive that!”

For the first time Spencer and I were truly arguing. We’d had little disagreements, but never in the time we’d been together had we stood and yelled at each other. It was different. It was scary. It was also a little refreshing.

“Because love wins. Why can’t you believe that?”

“It’s naïve. It’s not real. Love doesn’t overcome everything Avery. If you had lived my life you would understand that.”

“You think mine was easy? I’m a disappointment to everyone. My family. My friends. Hell, even you I guess.”

Suddenly Spencer walked over, sat down right beside me and took my face into his hands.

“You are NOT a disappointment to me. You are amazing. I love you.”

“What happened with Kevin tonight?” I asked, ignoring his comment but feeling my body warm from the words.

“Kevin has made some bad choices,” he turned away from me. “He keeps making them.”

“What choices?”

“Avery,” he looked at me again. “There are things you don’t need to have to understand. Why can’t you just be okay with that?”

“So what,” I snapped. “You are not telling me things because you seem to think you are protecting me?”

“I am protecting you,” he argued. “Kevin promised me this wouldn’t be an issue and he lied. But the thing is, he’s a good person. Talking about his choices and problems makes it look like he’s not. So I prefer not to discuss them. Is that okay?”

His eyes filled with tears and I instantly felt guilt. Hurting Spencer was not something I ever wanted to do.

“Yes,” I agreed, even though I knew that I didn’t really want it to be that way. “Do your parents know about his choices?”

Spencer laughed, but it wasn’t the infectious laugh that I was used to. It was more sarcastic than anything.

“That’s funny?” I asked.

“My parents don’t care,” he said flatly. “They will never care.”

“That’s pretty harsh Spence,” I looked at him, confused about his anger towards the people that raised him. “I mean I get mad at my parents, but…”

“But they aren’t mine. Trust me. They don’t care.”

“Is that why I will never meet them? Why you haven’t really talked about them?”

“You will,” he corrected. “eventually.” I watched as he tried to decide what to say. “It has to be the right time, but you will.” He stood back up and began pacing. “Look Avery,” he turned towards me. “The things I don’t share…I have reasons. Real ones. And those reasons have nothing to do with how much I love you. They aren’t signs that I’m going to leave. They aren’t anything that will change our relationship.”

He looked away again.

“I will eventually share it all. As I’m ready. Please give me that.”

“okay,” I agreed. I didn’t want to see him hurting and stressed over me anymore. If it would take the pained look from his face, I’d agree to anything.

“I have a credit card. Three of them actually,” he inserted randomly. “That’s how I took you there. I’ll be paying on it until I’m forty. But it was worth every penny.”

I felt myself smile and blush at the memories of our nights at Canoe Bay.

“I would have been happy with dinner and a movie,” I laughed.

“I know,” he nodded. “That’s why you deserve so much more.”

“Spencer, I….” just as I was about to tell him how much I loved him and that I was sorry that I’d upset him; I heard his phone ring.

“I don’t know this number,” he commented as he answered. “Hello?”

I watched his face drop and tears fill his eyes.

“I’ll be right there,” he snapped and hung up the phone. “Ave, I’ve got to take you home. I have something important to take care of.”

“Is everything okay?” I knew it wasn’t. I could tell by the look on his face that it wasn’t.

“I don’t know,” he added. “But I’ll let you know when I do.”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“No,” he snapped. “I’ll take you home and I’ll call you later. I’m sorry.” He was already on his way out the door before he finished the sentence. I grabbed my things and followed, wondering when I’d no longer be kept away from the vital things in his life and hoping that his secrets weren’t the kind that would tear us apart.

“You’re home early,” Colby snapped as I walked in. “Thought you were spending the evening with the brother?”

I knew she was still angry. I’d chosen Spencer over her, but only because she’d put me in a position to have to choose. I still loved Colby. I just wasn’t going to play her game.

“Not tonight Colb,” I walked past her and into the living room trying to make sense of everything that had just happened.

“So he didn’t take you? Big surprise,” she followed me and continued.

“Yes, he took me,” I glared at her. “I met Kevin.”

“And?”

“And I don’t know. They had an argument. So we left. And we ended up at Spencer’s and I just don’t know. He’s got some serious family problems and he’s asking for time to work through things before he explains.”

“Really?” she rolled her eyes at me.

“Yes,” I answered.

“So why are you home so soon?”

“He got a call,” I told her. “He had to go. Said he’d call me later.”

“Avery,” she sat beside me. “When are you going to see what’s going on?”

“Stop Colby,” I begged. “Not tonight okay?”

“He’s playing you. One day you will see that. Who could have called him at seven at night that he couldn’t share with you?”

“Stop.”

“He’s playing you. And you keep letting him. I hope you find out before you can’t handle the truth anymore.”

“Good night Colby,” I stood up and walked out of the room, ignoring her comments and trying to keep them out of my head. I kept repeating the same thing in my head over and over until I drifted off to sleep.

Spencer loves me. Spencer loves me.

Chapter 23

“I’m sorry,” he was looking at me- his eyes clearly showing every feeling he had. “I am so sorry.”

I just looked at him, unable to talk. The view of him made it difficult to catch my breath. I’d waited and hoped for so long, and there he was. Standing by the mattress and looking down at me, pleading for me to absolve him.

“Why?” my voice was scarcely above a sigh.

It wasn’t that I didn’t know what to say. The words were there. Jumbled together. Trying to push themselves into coherent thoughts. I had a lot to say to him. A lot. But I was struggling for air.

The bulge in my throat felt as though it were choking me. My heart was racing and I couldn’t breathe. Not really.

Half of me wanted to just not say anything. I felt an overpowering urge to hop up and take hold of him and cling to him, terrified that he would be gone again. But I couldn’t. The harm inside of me was so profound. I had to know why.

“I don’t know,” he’d hung his head and admitted. “I know that’s not a good response, but it’s true.”

“But….I….” the words got wedged. I was afraid to say much. I didn’t want him to leave.

“I know,” he acknowledged what I hadn’t even whispered.

For a few minutes, we just stayed like we were. Neither of us moved. We most likely had fears of the same thing. A movement in the wrong direction would cause this to break completely and we didn’t want to lose it.

The way we looked at each other, directly in the eye, it was powerful. And in those moments when I grasped the fact that he was there, I didn’t want to lose it for one second.

I felt the tears falling across my cheeks and I wasn’t sure if they were tears of delight or tears of sorrow. I let them fall.

Spencer knelt down onto the mattress and moved closer to me. Taking a thumb, he wiped the drops from my face which only caused more to plummet. I didn’t think he would ever understand the depths of my sadness.

I wanted to be pleased that he was there. I wanted to live in that moment. More than anything I wanted to beg him to never leave me again. Never walk away. He was there beside me and that was all that mattered.

But it wasn’t. Because deep inside I had this enormous wave of doubt. One that had been created through experience. Get close, watch him leave. Over and over.

I was afraid to be happy that he was back in my life. Every time that I let myself be happy and not think about it, we would get closer. Each time he returned, our bond grew stronger. We would make more powerful memories and fall even deeper into our obsession. I would become more addicted than I already had been with the guy.