Cowboy Double-Decker (30 page)

“It’s just that I don’t want Scotty to lose his home like I did.”

Kaela’s voice broke, her lip quivering. She gulped and turned her back to him. She laid the sponge on the edge of the sink, her hands trembling. Was she crying?

Oh, shit.
She wasn’t acting like Candy did on a rant. Was she sick? She’d zonked out early the last week or so and Candy said her stomach wasn’t right. Maybe she was fighting off a cold? They’d all been working so hard.

He couldn’t speak, couldn’t think of anything but his concern for her. But he couldn’t let it show. Not now. She finally pulled herself together and turned her blotchy face to him.

“I told you what I need and you’ve got nothing to say?” She rolled her lips over her teeth and held them there as if fighting more tears. “I don’t want you to hurt Scotty. And I don’t want to be hurt, either. You don’t even talk about love.” She gulped and continued, her voice shaking. “Didn’t you hear me? I’m afraid of you, Bryan.”

The words seared themselves into his brain.

Kaela was afraid of him. She thought he’d hurt Scotty? My God, did she think he was no better than Grant or her bastard of an uncle?

A shard of ice stabbed his heart, chilling him in an instant. No matter how bad it got, he’d never hurt a child.

This meant she knew nothing about him. After everything he’d done, she didn’t trust him. He stepped back, shaking his head. If she thought that, it was over before it could begin.

“I heard you. Loud and clear.” He forced himself to speak quietly though his hands fisted. “You think I’d beat on a woman and child in my own home.”

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“No,” she coughed. “I said—”

“If you believe that about me, why should I care about you? Have a nice life,” he said, his voice too tight to say more.

“Bryan, wait!”

He nodded politely when he really wanted to pull her into his arms and prove how much he loved her. How much he wanted Scotty to be his son. But if she couldn’t see him for what he was, to hell with her. He stormed into the main hall. How dare she accuse him of being like Grant, a man who spoke with his fists, battering animals, children, women, and men.

How could she accuse him of being anything like that bastard?

He gritted his teeth to hold back from smashing his fists into a wall.

Adam would understand his reaction to Kaela’s attack on his honor, but he’d get no sympathy from Candy. She still didn’t know just how much damage Grant had inflicted. They didn’t want her to know how many broken bones they’d received or scars that hadn’t come from ranch work and rodeos.

So what to do now? He’d avoid Kaela until she was gone. Lots of work needed in the barn or equipment shed. First he had to get through tonight.

He was too wired to sleep, but maybe hot water would relax his muscles. If that didn’t work, an hour or on the treadmill might.

Tomorrow would be another day of hell. Beyond that, he wouldn’t go.

* * * *

As soon as Bryan disappeared through the doorway, Kaela’s legs gave out. She slumped into a chair, set her elbows on the table, and rested her forehead on her palms, fighting for control.

He would
not
make her cry! She was a grown woman with a toddler and a secret babe on the way. She could, and would, survive without a man. Especially one who
would not listen
!

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She pressed her palm against her belly and the invisible soul growing within. A mother had to put her baby before herself.

Certainly before an arrogant, irritating man who refused to see reason.

He didn’t understand.

All she wanted was a safe home full of love. She knew he would never hurt her physically, but she was afraid of the pain when he broke her heart. If she stayed, unwed and without equal ownership, she had no safety net. As a father with all these resources, he could take her baby away. If he adopted Scotty, she could lose him, too.

The man she loved wouldn’t do those things, but he hadn’t said one word to
her
about love. He decided what he wanted to hear and gave up on her. She tried to tell him he misunderstood her words, but it was too late now. Either he couldn’t be bothered to listen, or he found his excuse to run away from her. From a commitment he refused to make.

Fine.

For the next couple weeks she’d stay far from him and hide evidence of the baby. As long as Candy didn’t see her naked, she should be safe if she wore loose clothing. Since it was warming up, she could wear loose dresses or leave her shirt out and pin her jeans closed.

It was only for a few weeks. Then she’d have her freedom from her promise to Candy and from poverty. She’d take Scotty somewhere warmer. Utah was nice and she enjoyed crossing Colorado. Now that she’d lived near mountains, she didn’t want to live without them.

Mountains were forever. She’d had enough of temporary. She needed permanence.

A permanent home. A permanent job. And face it, permanent loneliness.

She could do without the fantastic sex Bryan provided—there were books and toys to deal with that—but going back to being alone would be hard. She really enjoyed the support of other adults to talk over her day with. People who cared about her as much as she did in
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return.

She’d keep in touch with Candy, but she couldn’t ever see Bryan again. Knowing what they almost had, and lost, would rip her heart apart.

Face it, Michaela Jones. You love the man and will until the day
you die.

She dropped her head onto her crossed arms and let the tears come. She sobbed quietly, as she had as a child, so no one knew how much she hurt.

Her pride was all she had left. If Bryan didn’t want her, so be it.

She wouldn’t force him into staying together. He wanted to think she was afraid of him when it was he who was running scared. And the coward wouldn’t even admit it to himself.

* * * *

Bryan didn’t make it as far as the jungle pool before stopping. He placed both hands on the wall and leaned over, head drooping like a sway-backed mule. He’d acted like a mule, too damn stubborn to listen.

He’d said “Have a nice life” and walked out. Wouldn’t even let her explain.

But she accused him of wanting to beat on her and Scotty!

Or had she?

He tried to think back to her exact words, but anger clouded his mind. She said she was afraid and that she didn’t want him to hurt them.

But she didn’t look scared when she said it. She looked like an emotionally upset female.

So, dunderhead, think like a female!

Women, unlike men, got their feelings hurt. They didn’t have a good fight and get everything out of the system like he did with Adam. Nope, they kept it in and let the hurt fester.

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Hurt.

She didn’t want to be hurt and he didn’t talk about love. She thought he would hurt them because he didn’t say he loved her?

Damn, this female stuff makes my head hurt. Time for male logic.

Did he love Kaela? Though he’d fought to deny it, yes.

Did he want her in his life? Again, yes.

Did he want Scotty to be his son? Of course.

How much did he want it?
That
was the billion dollar question.

Would he give up his heritage for her? But without Kaela, what was it worth?

The least he could do was to apologize for behaving like an asshole. He padded back to the kitchen on sock feet. Snuffling noises warned him to stop outside the kitchen door. He silently swore.

He recognized the quiet, desolate sobs. He’d done the same as a small boy when Grant beat him hard and he couldn’t tell anyone. His ma would complain and get fired. Sam, his big brother, would attack Grant and end up beaten to a pulp or in jail. His dad had never been part of his life, even before he got stomped to death in a rodeo arena.

At least he had a dog to hug. Kaela’s uncle didn’t allow pets, and she told him he ripped apart the teddy bear her parents had given her when she was a baby.

He didn’t have a great life as a kid, but he’d had his ma, his brother, and Adam. Kaela had nothing and he’d ripped into her like—

Shit
.

No wonder she cried like her life was over. Her quiet sobs ripped into his heart.

He’d rejected her, too afraid she’d do the same to him.

But if she left, how could he head into frigid January mornings, spring rain and sleet, or August heat? Unless he knew she’d be there to welcome him home, it wasn’t worth it.

He finally understood how Adam could come home after a brutal day and whistle as he cleaned tack in the barn.

Neither Adam nor Candy would want him around if he took Kaela
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from them. It would be better for everyone if he left so that Kaela and Scotty could stay.

Why the hell did this love thing hurt so damn much?

Being alone didn’t hurt. Instead, it brought an emptiness as cold as the deepest pits of hell. Just thinking of it sent his memories deeper than he’d gone in years. Back to the time Grant threw him out of the only home he’d known.

He didn’t want to feel that cold nothingness again.

He’d never bared his heart to anyone. Was scared shitless to do it.

But not doing it was worse.

Kaela’s sobs slowed to sniffles. He gave her a moment to settle herself. She ran water into the sink, and he imagined her splashing it into her eyes. She blew her nose a few times, hiccupping now and then. When he heard the rattle of the kettle and the tap running again, it was finally safe to face her.

That’s what she meant by safe, boyo. Heart, not fists.

He turned the corner and stopped in the doorway. She rested her palms on the counter by the sink. Her head drooped like Atlas, with all the cares of the world on her shoulders.

“Kaela?”

She stiffened and raised her head, standing tall but still facing the dark window.

“Sweetling, I’m sorry. I was wrong and you’re right. Fifty-fifty is what you deserve.” He coughed. “Well, you deserve more than that for putting up with me, but you did say equal.”

She didn’t move. She stood like a deer in the meadow with a panther downwind. Sensing something dangerous but not knowing where or when it would strike.

The kettle neared the boil. Soon it would whistle and then shriek.

He walked to the scarred wooden table, pulled out a chair, and sat down. Generations of his family and Adam’s had eaten here. He wanted his children to do the same.

He hunched over to make himself appear smaller. Two cats saw
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the opportunity of a warm lap and jumped up. He patted them, one crouched on each thigh. They butted their heads against him, begging for cuddles.

The kettle began to sing. She walked over and lifted it off the heat.

“I suppose you expect me to make you some tea,” she snarled.

“I don’t deserve to have you do anything for me.” He hated the herbal teas she’d taken to drinking instead of decent coffee but would take anything she gave him and like it.

“You got that right,” she ripped back at him. “Doesn’t take any more effort to fill the pot full instead of half.”

She reached into the cupboard to get another mug. Her shirt pulled up a bit and a tiny slice of skin appeared.
Damn, she has a lovely
back.
A zap of intense desire shot through him. Fully clothed, mad as hell, she still turned him on like no one ever had. Even her sarcastic mouth did him in.

“I feel bad sitting and doing nothing when you’re working. My ma taught me to stand until the lady sits.”

“I’m not a lady and you’re doing something important.”

He took a minute to think that one through while she rattled jars and spoons. Of course she was a lady. His lady. But what was he doing that was so important? He absently scratched a cat under the chin, the Harley-style purr rumbling through the kitchen. The cat? She thought scratching a cat was all-fired important?

He shook his head, keeping his eyes down when she stomped over with two mugs. He was sure she’d slam them down, but at the last moment she set them down gently.

Ah. The cats. She didn’t want to disturb the beasts. Considering they kneaded their claws in his lap, he was much obliged. If twenty claws sank deep into his pants, at least one was sure to puncture the delicate part of his anatomy that was rising to the occasion.

He waited until she sat across from him, another feline on her lap, a hand curled around her mug.

“I love you, Kaela,” he said to the table. “That’s why I go crazy
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around you.” He wouldn’t look at her until she gave him some hope.

“Is that an excuse or an apology?”

“I don’t know if I can apologize enough for what I said before. I need you.”

“You’ve got a lousy way of showing it.”

“Yeah.” He sighed and forced himself to meet her eyes. Her red, puffy eyes. “I need you in my life, Kaela. Without you, the Double R

is only dirt and cattle. I need you to make it a home. My home
and
yours.”

“Candy’s already made you a home here.”

He nodded. “Yes, she’s a wonderful woman. She brings light into my life and I love her for it. But she’s not you.”

“She’s Adam’s wife.”

“And she gave me my daughter, Evie. Both will always be a big part of my life. But they don’t make me whole, like you do.”

She stared at him for a few minutes, blowing on her tea. Lemon cranberry. The ball in her court, he waited.

“Why the change and so quick? You were happy to turn your back on me twenty minutes ago.”

“Twenty minutes ago I was behaving like a teenager, thinking with the other brain.” He blew out his breath. “Riding home today, I decided you’d be so damn happy if I raised my offer from fifteen percent to twenty that you’d jump in my arms. In my mind, I had your naked bottom on that counter and my pants around my knees as you screamed my name.”