Curses! (22 page)
Chapter 45
“
S
on, I need your advice,” the king said when I opened the front door of the palace. It looked like he needed more than advice. A shower, for one thing. He was still dressed in last night's bachelor party wear, his crown tarnished and slightly askew, and his eyes puffy and small under his sagging skin. “Please,” he added with a hiccup.
S
on, I need your advice,” the king said when I opened the front door of the palace. It looked like he needed more than advice. A shower, for one thing. He was still dressed in last night's bachelor party wear, his crown tarnished and slightly askew, and his eyes puffy and small under his sagging skin. “Please,” he added with a hiccup.
“Not now, sir.” Even if I wanted to help him, I couldn't. Asia was in danger of marrying Prince Rotten. And I wasn't having any of it.
I ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Three flights later, I arrived at Asia's bedroom. Not bothering to knock, I pushed the door open and gasped in surprise. Her room was decorated in what could only be described as the early villain period. Posters of wicked queens, evildoers, and old-school henchmen filled her walls.
But it was the picture over her bed that grabbed my attention most, a photograph of none other than yours truly taken years ago by a hack reporter at the
New Never News
following one of my villainous escapades.
New Never News
following one of my villainous escapades.
I grinned, feeling oddly pleased by this turn of events. My sweet princess harbored a secret thing for villains. I still had a chance.
If I could find her.
“Asia,” I called down the hallway. No answer. “Baby, where are you?”
Heart heavy, I headed for Cinderella's room and a fresh pair of clothes. As expected, sitting on the bed were a new pair of Levi's and a black T-shirt. Winslow might be getting laid, but he was still a damn good butler.
I quickly changed into my dry clothes, tossing my wet rabbi uniform in a pile on the floor. My head swirled with possibilities. Where was Asia? Was she with Charming? Was he at this very moment stealing my ladylove? I had one chance, and I had to act fast.
I ran down the palace stairs and right into the king, who sat slumped on the bottom step. My foot connected with his backside, and I did a flip in the air before landing on the floor, my head cushioning my fall. The king glanced down at me.
“That looked like it hurt.” He shook his head. “You should watch where you're going. A careful man is a carefree man, as my papa used to say.”
I blinked away a swirl of blue and pink birds from my vision. “I thought you never met your dad.”
“He would've said that, son. I'm sure of it.”
I rolled my eyes and staggered to my feet. “Sir, I need your help. It's very important.”
“You're too late, boy.”
No, I couldn't be. I needed Asia in my life. Sure, I'd survive without her smile, but I'd never be happy. And damn it, if my impotency taught me anything, it was that I wanted happiness. I wasn't willing to settle anymore.
“Asia said yes to Charming?” I swallowed over the lump lodged in my throat. “She's going to marry him?”
“What?” The king bounded off the step, his face turning purple like the capillaries lining his nose. “When'd this happen? I won't allow it.”
I held up my hand. “Wait. Wait. Wait. What'd you mean when you said I was too late?”
“I was speaking metaphorically.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“The queen asked for a divorce, son.” The king sniffed and then used the end of his beard to blow his nose. “My marriage is over. I've lost the love of my life.” He broke down in loud, racking sobs. Not a pretty sight. Snot rolled from his face like a booger waterfall.
I swallowed my disgust. “Sir, no disrespect, but isn't that what you want? To be free of the queen?”
“Hell no.” The king flapped his arms in the air much like Gretel the bluebird. “What gave you a stupid idea like that?”
“Well, let's see,” I lifted my index finger, “you tried to shoot her. Multiple times.” My middle finger went up next. “You tried to snap her neck in a rat trap. And let's not forget the rocket in the tool shed.”
The king smiled. “A Valentine's gift.”
I gave up. “That's exactly what I mean. Women don't want death threats. They want to be loved.”
The king scoffed.
“They also don't like it when their husband sleeps with a stripper.”
“Oh, what do you know?” The king gave a bitter laugh. “Asia's run off with that twit Charming, and you're here, wasting time.”
“What?” I grabbed the king's shoulders and shook him. “What do you mean Asia's run off? Did you see her leave with Charming?”
“Of course I did.”
“Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?” I didn't bother to wait for his answer. Instead, I ran out of the palace, down the porch steps, and into the forest, my heart in my throat. I had to find Asia. I had to tell her that I loved her.
I ran deeper and deeper into the darkness. The forest had become a refuge for Charming's dastardly plan, or so I believed. The footprints helped, of course, two pairs of glass slippers by the look of them. Who else but a flaming prince wore glass slippers after Fairy Day?
Tracking the couple's trail didn't take long. In fact, I caught up with Charming and Asia after only ten minutes. They walked side by side, Charming's hand on Asia's arm. They looked like the typical happy couple on a forest jaunt. I didn't buy it for a second. Asia loved me; of that I was sure.
She just didn't know it yet.
The couple paused at a familiar wooden bridge. The same one I found yesterday when searching for Winslow. Charming smiled at my princess. He plucked a blue wildflower from the ground next to the bridge and held it out to Asia.
Rookie mistake.
As soon as the flower touched Asia's soft skin, she began to sneeze. I shook my head and continued watching them from behind a large tree.
Charming quickly dropped the flower and handed Asia a Kleenex from the pocket of his tux. What kind of douche wore his wedding tux to propose to another woman?
Asia didn't seem to mind, though. She pointed to something off in the distance. Charming's eyes followed her finger. While he was otherwise occupied, Asia reached for the Devil's Eye around her waist and carved something into the wood of the bridge. She smiled at the finished product and patted Charming's arm to gain his attention.
They talked for a moment. Asia's smile grew with each passing second. Her fingers pointed at her heart and then to Charming's. He nodded and dropped to one knee. Asia's eyes widened and her hand flew to her throat. Charming spoke briefly, probably about how pretty he was, and then reached for my princess's hand. She shook her head. He nodded, his expression serious, eyes intent. The rat bastard. If he touched her, I would throttle him.
While I fantasized about wringing Charming's scrawny neck, the couple slipped away, continuing on their enchanted hike through the forest. I wasn't sure where they were going, but I'd follow Asia to the ends of the kingdom, her desire for Charming be damned.
The ends of the kingdom turned out to be a log cabin about two miles from the palace. It appeared old, built in the last century, with broken shutters and a crooked porch. Smoke curled from the chimney, as if the house expected visitors.
Was this Charming's plan? Lock Asia away in a remote cabin in the woods? I shrugged. As dastardly plans went, it wasn't the best. For this kind of thing, a tower worked best. High windows. Hard to escape unless you had an extra-strength weave.
Damn Rapunzel.
Charming entered the cabin first, holding the door open for my princess. She paused at the threshold as if deciding her fate.
“Asia, wait,” I shouted.
Her eyes met mine. She smiled sadly. My heart swelled in my chest. She loved me. I could see it in her eyes. Those same damn eyes that turned around and headed inside with Prince Rotten.
Chapter 46
I
pounded on the door of the quaint cabin. “Damn it, Asia, open this door right now.” My fist banged harder against the wood. Splinters bit into my palm, but I ignored the pain. The pain in my heart took precedence. The ache grew stronger and stronger with every second the door stayed closed. Wetness gathered in my eyes, from the high pollen count, I assured my manhood. “Please,” I muttered, smacking the door one final time.
pounded on the door of the quaint cabin. “Damn it, Asia, open this door right now.” My fist banged harder against the wood. Splinters bit into my palm, but I ignored the pain. The pain in my heart took precedence. The ache grew stronger and stronger with every second the door stayed closed. Wetness gathered in my eyes, from the high pollen count, I assured my manhood. “Please,” I muttered, smacking the door one final time.
The door opened as if by magic.
“Go away,” Asia said, looking as beautiful and as sweet as ever. She'd changed from her jade bridesmaid's gown and into a stark white dress that looked suspiciously like a wedding gown.
My heart beat faster. This was my chance. Don't blow it, I warned myself. “Asia,” I began. “Iâ”
“RJ, I don't love you.”
“What?”
“I never will.”
“Butâ”
She leaned in close enough for me to smell the sweet scent of her. “Go back to the palace.”
“Iâ”
Her beautiful face hardened. “Forget about me. About us.”
Blinding pain exploded in my chest. I was falling deeper and deeper into the abyss of unrequited love. There was no way out. No safety net. The pain was so intense I barely heard her next words.
“Run along, pup,” she said, her tone as icy as Miss Muffet's after her third shot of whey. The look in Asia's eyes matched her tone. A cold, blank stare, as if we never shared a single kiss.
Unable to stand another second in front of the woman who was breaking my heart, I stumbled off the porch, my vision blurry, my throat raw. A lump the size of a pea even that other princess could feel swelled in my throat. I wanted to die. Right there on the spot. Even Natasha's betrayal hadn't hurt this much, and I'd given her half my 401(v).
I hate to admit it but I ran away. I ran as fast as I could. Legs burning, chest heaving, and still I ran. I ran and ran and ran until the pain in my heart faded. Then and only then did I stop to catch my breath. I sat down on the edge of the wooden bridge, my heart and head heavy.
Pup?
Had Asia call me pup?
What the fuck was that about?
My fingers clenched against the wood of the small bridge, the same spot where Asia had given her heart to Charming only twenty minutes ago. Splinters dug into my calloused flesh, but I barely felt them. Through a blur of tears, I glanced down at the one word Asia had carved in the wood.
Help!
Chapter 47
T
wo point six minutes later, I arrived at the palace, out of breath, legs burning. A kingdom record for sure, but I wasn't waiting around for Olympic gold. Nope, my goal was lead, and plenty of it. I dashed into the library and lifted the couch, searching for the king's rifle. No gun.
wo point six minutes later, I arrived at the palace, out of breath, legs burning. A kingdom record for sure, but I wasn't waiting around for Olympic gold. Nope, my goal was lead, and plenty of it. I dashed into the library and lifted the couch, searching for the king's rifle. No gun.
“Where is it?” I yelled, scanning the room for the weapon. But no gun appeared. Yet, in the corner of the room, something did catch my eye.
A bow forged of the finest iron.
A quiver of arrows lay next to it.
I scrambled over the couch to the bow and arrows. Lifting the weapon in my hands, I checked its weight. It was lighter than I expected, as if tailored for its owner. The steel bowstring gleamed with malicious intent, like a heavy-metal guitar at a country bar.
I grabbed the quiver of arrows, jammed it into my jeans, and headed from the library, pausing just long enough to stare down at the wolf pelt on the floor.
“Best served cold, huh,” I said. “Not today, my furry friend.”
The pelt didn't reply.
Bow in hand, I hurried from the library and out of the palace. It was time to face a killer, an annoyed princess with trust issues, and my destiny. I hoped my destiny wasn't to be killed by the killer or the princess.
Thanks to my impotency, things could go either way.
Â
Backtracking through the forest, I again arrived at the wooden bridge and paused to catch my breath. My heart slammed in my chest with fear. Was I already too late to save the day, let alone my princess?
Lifting the bow over my shoulder, I continued on my hike through the forest, on the hunt for Cinderella's killer.
I approached the cabin a few minutes later, the bow at the ready as I crept to the window and peeked inside. Asia stood next to the fireplace still dressed in that awful white gown, the Devil's Eye in her hand. She flipped it open and peered inside. Her face hardened and her eyes grew a darker shade of green. Damn Eye must be broken, because it sure as hell hadn't warned Asia of the dangers surrounding her.
It also wouldn't save her, not this time.
But I would.
I scanned the rest of the room for any signs of danger. The place looked like any other single-room cabin. A fireplace with an iron pot large enough to deep-fry a cookie elf in oil sat against the far wall. A small bed stood opposite of the hearth. Two chairs and a matching love seat filled the rest of the room.
Other than Asia, the cabin looked empty. No sign of Charming anywhere. A voice I didn't recognize drew my attention. I leaned in closer, my breath fogging the frosted glass of the windowpane. This was bad. Really bad.
Unfortunately, I only caught the speaker's every third word, but the meaning was clear, and far worse than I expected. I had to act, and quickly, before Asia suffered a fate much worse than death. I hurried to the door, loaded an arrow into the bow, and waited for my cue.
It came soon enough.
“Let them speak now or forever hold their peace,” the strange voice crackled.
I kicked the door. It flew open, bits of wood spiraling in all directions, showering my intended target with a rain of toothpicks. I aimed the bow. “Don't move or I'll shoot.”
Everyone moved at once.
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