Devil's Despair Box Set: Books 1-3 (31 page)

Her green eyes widen in surprise. Hearing me talk to her this way isn’t something she’s used to. My love for Sadey has faded and although she’ll always mean something to me, the weight of that meaning holds nothing in comparison to Rae. Sadey loved me, but it wasn’t with the force and strength that I’ve learned to love Rae.

“You love her, don’t you?”

Looking to Raegan as she lays broken and lifeless, I answer my old friend with absolute nervousness and fear. Admitting to Sadey that I’m in love with someone else feels wrong, even though I know it shouldn’t. “I love her as much as I love anyone I’m close to. I sure as fuck don’t want this for her.”

“Ace, you’re going to get mad at me for saying this…”

I let out an annoyed rumble, knowing if she’s prefacing her lecture with that she’s most likely correct in her assumption. “Go on, Sadey. Say what you have to say.”

“I will, thank you.” Even her lectures are politically correct and polite. “Have you ever stopped to realize how violent your love for someone can be?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Straightening her pose, she offers her enlightenment. It comes across clear as mud. “Ace, when you love someone, and I speak from experience in this, the object of that affection is consumed by your personal need to smother it. Cher…” To my satisfaction, she corrects herself immediately, “
Raegan
has wanted you and waited so long for you, yet when she finally gets you, what she gets is only the struggle that comes with you.”

She’s a hypocrite. Rolling my eyes and wiping the exhaustion from my face with the hand not holding Rae’s, I explain to Sadey that she’s not the person who should be lecturing. “Says the wife of Hem Collins, MC President and well-known possessive caveman.”

“I’m not a pushover, Ace. Hem thinks he has me doing what he wants, but I’m in control.”

Sitting back in my chair, I match my look with the same disobedience she’s wearing on hers. “Right.”

Pausing a moment, she grabs Raegan’s hand from the side of the bed she’s standing at. “Let it happen, friend.”

The woman is talking in code and in my sleepless and grieving state, I’m lost with her attempts to reason. “Let what happen?”

“
You’re in love with her, Ace
. You feel for her what you felt for me, more even. You don’t love her as you would your friends. That’s a lie that you’re telling yourself, I just don’t understand why.”

Sadey’s had her chance to speak, and now she gets to hear my thoughts to her idiocy. “Who the fuck said anything about being
in
love? If…”

Cutting me off before I have the opportunity to release my frustration, Sadey points out what she thinks she knows. “Who has to
say
it out loud, Ace? It’s in this room. Her love is all over you and yours is all over her. Whether you say it out loud or not, it’s here and it’s what’s pulling her through this.”

Fuck. This. Shit.

Rising from my chair, careful not to move the bed, I point to Raegan. “Do you see this, Sadey?
Look at her!
Is this what me loving someone does to them? I caused this. If you’re right, and I sure as fuck hate to think you are, then I don’t
want
to care about her the same way I cared about you.” My admission released, my heart laying open, I still feel no relief.

Staring down at Raegan, answering my question, Sadey’s eyes brim with unshed tears. “God, no, Ace. You didn’t do this; evil did.”

“Then what the fuck are you saying, Sadey? Just tell me, so you can go.”

“I’m
saying
you can’t always protect those you love from everything, and feeling guilty about it doesn’t help the circumstance. Stop making this about you, Ace. Just love her the way you know you do and let yourself be loved by her.”

She’s exhausting me. “Jesus, why couldn’t you have just said that shit first?”

Now smiling, it reminds me of who we used to be when we were together, a time in my life when I was genuinely happy. “Because if I did, I wouldn’t get to watch you wiggle and squirm.”

Walking around the bed and to me, she strains her height to grab my shoulders at the side while I remain standing, her physical connection not having the same effect as it had before.

Turning around into her, I grab her waist and I hold her tightly against my body. Her words are an echo in my head on repeat. Of all the people that truly understand me, it took Sadey herself to come in here and give me the truth, adding with it a heartfelt Sadey Lyons lecture.

As she lets go of me, she wipes her eyes before changing the subject. “I do miss you sometimes, ya know. Life in Ohio isn’t nearly as entertaining now that we don’t have you around to torture.”

I smile then take my seat next to Raegan and resume holding her hand.

I hear Sadey mumbling something about getting the group back in here so I can leave to clean up. The little woman is
relentless
.

Before she closes the door behind her, I raise my voice to ensure she hears me say the words I know I owe to her. “Thanks for coming, bug.”

She smiles through her reply, her voice tripping with appreciation to the nickname I’ve not called her since seeing her again after all this time. “Well, I’m glad I’m still your insect.”

Correcting her acknowledgement with my back still turned to her, I reply with deliberate implication. “It doesn’t have the same meaning to me it once did.”

When she responds, her tone matches mine. “And thank God for that.”

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

Ace

“ALL RIGHT, ACE. You’re taking a break. I’ve got back-up in the hall if you decide you won’t do what I say.”

Sadey’s back after breakfast and she’s brought everyone with her. Gunner, Honor, April, Mace, Hem, and Shame file in slowly behind her. This is an intervention.

Fuck my life.

Whispering to her, hoping she takes my tone as a plea to not do this, I tell her, “I don’t need a break, bug. I’m fine here.”

“You’re not the one I’m giving the break to. Raegan needs one from you. The nurses are going to check on her, and we’ll all be waiting outside. Go shower, you need it.”

Oh, Jesus Christ, I give up.

Standing, I get close to her face to ensure my point is taken with seriousness. “Fine. You stay right outside. Don’t let her wake up alone, damn it.”

“Wash off your mood, too, Ace. Lots of soap and hot water.” Mace adds insult to injury while making her way to Sadey. I can’t beat these two at the same time. Fuck, no one can.

“Shut up.” The weakest comeback known to a grown man, but it’s all I’ve got.

After my shower, provided by the hospital’s community room, I grab my phone to check messages as water drips to the floor. I didn’t want to leave, so I’m anxious to get back and I’m checking for word in case I’ve missed something.

When I swipe the screen and see the message, my heart sinks.

Mace
10:42 a.m.
Get your ass down here A.S.A.P. She’s awake!

Grabbing my shit and dressing on my way out of the locker room, I find Mace waiting outside the door. Tears are brimming her big brown eyes, but the relief I find in her relaxed stance eases any panic.

“She okay?”

Mace smiles, looking up at me as she stands close, holding my waist at the sides. “She’s awake. She can’t talk, and the doctor hasn’t seen her yet so we don’t know everything, but she’s awake and she looks okay.”

Pushing Mace away from me, I walk around her toward Rae’s room. It’s the longest walk and elevator ride I’ve taken in a long fuckin’ time.

Raegan came back.

With Mace following closely behind me, I walk into her room. She’s laying on the bed with tears streaming down her face; anxiety and fear overpowering her once bold and rebellious disposition. She looks lost among the crowd that stand around her now even smaller and gaunt form.

She hasn’t noticed me yet as the nurse continues to check her vitals. Hem, Shame, Sadey, and Kegs hover around her bed as close as they can get to her, each touching her in a gesture of care, attempting to soothe her worried state. Honor and Gunner are no longer in the room.

I don’t move as I take in a breath of relief that she’s awake, alive and safe, with no demons left to surround her.

“Aren’t you going to go say hi?”

I look down at Mace as she stands beside me. Her eyes dart from me to Rae as her head nods toward the hospital bed, asking me to go to her. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Yes, you do. You’ve been saying it without
saying
it for days. Go say it to her.”

Mace is a meddler. She and her brother spend their lives taking care of people to the point of our frustration. Mace has always had my back and I trust she’s not wrong with her advice, but it leaves me no less nervous.

Walking toward the crowd, Raegan spots me as the nurse moves, no longer obstructing her view. A small glimpse of sadness and shame cross her features, but she utters out a raspy “Hello” in response to seeing me.

“We’re gonna get out of here so we can give you two a minute alone.” Hem, who stands with Sadey wrapped around him, fidgets as he looks to his feet, unsure how to handle the delicate situation.

“Cherry, we’re gonna be right outside if you need anything, all right?” Shame’s concern is heartfelt and touching, his meaning deeper than the surface of his words, but not needed. Although he doesn’t care for me, he already knows I wouldn’t intentionally hurt her.

Raegan nods her head as Sadey breaks from Hem’s hold and moves in to kiss her on the cheek. From the other side of the bed, Shame reaches down and squeezes her ankle in support before turning and walking toward me as I still stand at the door. More tears fall from Rae’s eyes in response to the added support of our friends.

Hem passes me, nodding briefly. Sadey files closely behind him, and she stops to squeeze my shoulder, demonstrating the knowledge she carries of what I’m about to do in talking to Raegan.

Mace crosses in front of me, making her way to Shame as he starts to follow the others into the hallway. He doesn’t nod or lend me a supportive gesture. He speaks from experience, his words penetrating my thoughts as he says them. “You tell her how you feel and she’ll give you all she’s got left to give you right now, which may not be much considering what she’s been through. You love her the way you should, and she’ll give you the rest of her life. Be certain she’s what you want before putting her through any more heartache, Ace.”

He stops talking, looking back at Raegan and Kegs and smiles at them as they stare at us in worry. His face comes back to mine while he leans in on a whisper. “She’s a good kid that people have made good effort of kicking around. She’s survived too much in her young life. Don’t be afraid to give her what she needs, especially if what she needs is you.”

Before I respond, he reaches out to grab Mace around the back of her neck and pulls her to him, hugging her tightly, and then bending down to kiss the crown of her head as if giving thanks to her for being the person she is. They walk away in synchronized steps, their bodies remaining tightly wrapped together.

Kegs is the last to pass me. I see her snarl at me as she does, and being that she’s Kegs, I’m going to get the blunt end of her attitude. I’m right in my assumption. “You’re a dick, but for whatever reason she’s in love with your sorry ass. I don’t like to hit men, but if you fuck with her I’m gonna kick your ass.” Then she walks away, carrying her attitude with her.

I hear the faint giggle from Raegan as Kegs walks out the door. The small click of the metal door jamb causes me to gain my focus on Raegan again and forget the people that don’t matter near as much to me anymore.

We’re finally left in the room alone. We look at each other, searching for words that aren’t being said. It’s as though we’re having an entire conversation in silence. My chest is heavy and my eyes ache. My voice is finally ready.

“Are you okay?” I ask quietly, to avoid scaring her. She nods hesitantly. The air between us is tense. “You look good, Rae.”

Her eyebrow cocks before she says, “Are you going to stand over there the whole time or come and sit?”

“I’ll stand.”

“Okay.”

She doesn’t understand that I’m afraid to move. If I take my eyes off her, I fear she’ll be gone, making this not real.

A few seconds pass and I watch her eyes get glassy. That’s when I start to move. Walking to her with hesitant steps, I reach the bed to grab her hand in mine. The moment she squeezes it, I’m free. Moving the bunched blanket toward the foot of the bed, leaving her only draped in a sheet, I climb on top of her. This isn’t about sex at all. This is my way of finally being close to something I’ve missed for what feels like forever.

She accepts my movements and carefully adjusts her body under me before I give her my weight of protection. Putting my face in her neck, I feel her heart beating through her vein against my cheek, the heat of her skin reassuring me she’s here. “Where have you been, Rae? I’ve missed you.”

Raegan

Ace’s question causes me to release an uncontrolled sob of frustration and sadness. I’ve worried him. His body is laying above mine, careful not to hurt me. This is his way of guarding and protecting me. I see how this whole experience has exhausted him, and I feel the guilt rushing out of me as I release the tears.

“I’m so sorry I left you the way I did.” My voice is still weak, my words lost to a soft whisper. “Vinnie and Marcus had me. They knew I wouldn’t risk you or anyone else I loved being hurt. I couldn’t
risk
it. Sarah…” A soft hiccup and sob breaks my sentence, but it’s important that Ace understands I wouldn’t have just left if I felt there were any other way. “They would’ve hurt her… Marcus would’ve taken her. My parents… Deck…” pausing briefly, I collect myself before giving him reason to anger. “You would’ve had to sit and watch all this happen. I couldn’t do anything other than what I did. I’m sorry.”

Ace looks up from my neck, and his eyes search mine. In them, I see he’s trying to verify my statement. He’s aimlessly searching for truth after all the lies I’ve told. Clearing my throat, I offer to continue. “I didn’t trust you enough to tell you. I was afraid your reaction would be…”