Devil's Despair Box Set: Books 1-3 (58 page)

I
fucked
Lacey tonight like I would’ve fucked any other woman because I was restless, unsure, and afraid. If I’m being honest with myself, I was worse to her than any other woman. I fucked her and treated her like a nameless face, yes. But I also cared nothing about what she was feeling. I used her body as I would any other: to avoid remembering who I was.

The emotions when seeing her hurt flipped a switch in me I didn’t know existed. When I saw her small body surrounded by those men who carelessly hurt her, my heart beat against my chest in fear. My mind raced with uncertainties. I saw a brief vision of my life without her in it. Although, in reality, what happened to her could have been so much worse, my insides were gripped with both fear and anger.

This isn’t casual or fun anymore. Things have changed for me.

I hear her making her way out of my bedroom and then stop at the door. I don’t look at her—I can’t. She moves to turn the light on and when she does, I feel it shine brightly over my guilty conscience.

“Turn it off and go back to bed, Lacey.”

The light flips off, but she doesn’t move. When I glance over to where she’s standing, I see her arms over her chest and she’s draped in a look of sadness. The sadness I put there.

“What are you doing out here?” she asks timidly, walking toward me with caution.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

She takes a seat on the couch next to me, careful to keep enough distance to make us symbolic strangers. “Hayden.” Her voice is a whisper, shaky and concerned. “What’s going on?”

A rightful question. She deserves an answer, but I don’t have it. “I don’t know.”

“You’ve never done that.”

I turn to face her and cock my eyebrow using the frustration I feel. “Fuck you?”

“I guess.” She looks to her hands in front of her, as though unsure what to say.

Silence surrounds us, the clock on the wall ticking as it delays the inevitable. “You should be sleeping.”

“I can’t sleep if you’re not okay.”

“I’m fine. Go and I’ll be in after a few more minutes.”

“I’ll wait . . .”

My tone gets angry, almost abusive. “Fucking go, Lacey. Damn it.”

“I don’t understand this,” she answers my wrath as she stands and starts to walk away.

I hear my broken voice reach to her before she makes it to the bedroom; my whisper fills the air and surrounds us in a vice meant to strangle. “You wouldn’t. But you will.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Lacey

AS SURE AS I knew it would happen, Hayden was gone this morning when I woke up.

After leaving him sitting alone in the living room last night, I made my way back to bed and suffered through my first sleepless night alone since all this started. I listened closely to the sounds of him walking through the house, pacing back and forth. The television came on briefly, and soon after the music of his iPod filtered through.

Then nothing but silence.

Tears of rejection coated my face, making it impossible for me to face him again. Although as badly as I wanted to run to him and find out what was happening, I thought better of it and decided to give him the space he obviously needed.

Hayden requires a lot of space.

Once I showered, made my way into the living room, and saw the blanket and pillow left out but neatly folded on the couch, I regretted last night’s decision not to push.

I didn’t have a way home this morning so I had to call Travis. He was upset that he had to drive over to pick me up. Once he got to me, though, he looked at my swollen, tear-stained face, and recognition overpowered his angered state before his anger turned to sadness.

“I told you this would happen,” he’d said after I briefly filled him in on the events that had taken place after we left the hospital.

I tried to make excuses, protecting Hayden from his friends as I have before. I wasn’t fully certain as to where he went after he left, so I had little to say on his behalf.

“I’m sorry, Lace,” he said before helping me inside the Jeep. The pain in my leg no longer registered in comparison to what I was feeling in my chest.

“He got scared, Travis. It happens.”

Travis understood the context of Hayden’s fear in which I was referring and stayed silent as I left him at the dining room table and made my way to my room. I didn’t come out until later that evening and when I finally did, I wish I wouldn’t have.

Things had only gotten worse.

* * *

Travis is standing in the kitchen, aimlessly searching through cabinet after cabinet while the voice on the phone adds to his already angered stance.

“I don’t give a fuck what you’re
feeling.
You did exactly what I knew you’d do.” He stops talking, runs his free hand through his hair and turns around. When his eyes meet mine, they soften and his hand moves to his hip, his face falling to the floor. “I gotta go.”

Throwing the phone on the counter, he pulls two beers from the fridge and walks toward me. I move to the living room couch and pull my knees up to my chest.

“I didn’t need you to talk to him. I would’ve done it myself.”

His face sets hard but I can sense he’s reeling in his thoughts of Hayden. “I know, but I had things to say and it’s better they get said now than wait.”

“Something changed last night after I got hurt.” I look down to the bandage on my leg and press my hand over it as a reminder.

“Yeah. How fuckin’ stupid is that?” His voice changes when he looks at me. “Lacey, I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, okay?” He points at my thigh. “This was an excuse. He was looking for a reason to end it and he found one.”

“He’s not like that,” I respond. Until I know the reason, I refuse to believe what Trav’s saying.

“This is your call. Like I told you before, this is how he is. You make the decision to talk to him or not. I’ll stay out of it, but I think it’s a good idea for you to stop staying over there as much.”

“Maybe. Thanks for coming to get me today.”

Trav stands while walking past me to his room, beer bottle in hand. “No problem, Lacey. I’ll take you to work when you’re ready.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Lacey

IT’S BEEN ONE week and three days since I’ve talked to Hayden. Travis picked up some of my things from his place before band practice last night, making it final.

I’m not invited back.

I’ve been working as much as I can; it aids in keeping my mind busy. I haven’t attempted to contact him and I won’t. If he’s done, so be it. We’ll move forward and maybe when enough time has passed, he’ll explain what our last night was about and we’ll make our way to being friends again.

We weren’t in love; we were exclusive. I care for him, but I went into this already knowing his boundaries.

Hayden is untouchable.

Tonight, The Ward is busy but it’s not as chaotic as it has been the past several Fridays. I haven’t seen Hayden yet but the rest of the band is here. Ace told me earlier he hasn’t heard anything from Hayden all week, and I know Travis hasn’t.

“I like the new shirts,” Marlee says, leaning her body against the bar. “Those prison stripes were tacky. Girls don’t wear prison stripes.”

“You prefer the orange?” I hate the new uniform, but the staff didn’t get to vote.

“To the stripes, yes. You’re waitressing tonight?”

I’ve been filling in with bartender duty over the last few weeks. It’s been a good change but the tips aren’t nearly as good. “Yeah, Kelly called in sick. Shelby can handle the bar better than I can anyway.”

“The boys are about to go up. Toby’s nervous Hayden’s not gonna show.”

“Has he ever not shown up?”

Marlee’s eyes widen. I can tell she’s suddenly distracted. “Never mind. He’s here.”

I turn to where she’s aiming her eyes and strolling in the front door with a blonde I’ve seen on his arm before is Hayden. She’s dressed in a small, black mini dress and high heels. She doesn’t look as arrogant as she once did. If anything, she looks nervous.

“Shit. What’s up with that?”

“What?” I ask, feigning ignorance.

“Hayden’s with Jenna? I thought you and he . . .”

“No, we’re not. He’s free to fuck whoever he wants.”

She looks at me, searching my face for the honesty I’m not giving her. “It’s who he is,” she says quietly. “Hayden wouldn’t hurt
any
woman on purpose. He’s more about self-inflicting pain.”

“Marlee, it’s really okay.”

“Okay, honey.” She places her hand on my arm for reassurance. “I’ll go. Raegan wants a vodka cranberry and I’d love an ice water.”

“Got it.”

Marlee walks away after squeezing my shoulder in an act of unsaid comfort. I can’t decide if I’m pissed or overly annoyed. Hayden appears to have moved on to a new exclusive already.

Hayden makes his way to the stage and is setting up with the rest of them while Jenna sits at the table with Raegan. I wasn’t aware they were familiar with each other, but apparently I miss a lot when it comes to my new friends.

“Slow night,” Shelby says, pouring the drinks I just ordered.

“It is. Going to be a long one, too, if it doesn’t pick up.”

Casually and with faked innocence, Shelby adds, “Was that Jenna I saw with Hayden a few minutes ago?”

“Yep.”

“Men,” she huffs, turning her glare to Mel who has no idea what he’s done to deserve the look she’s giving him. “All pigs.”

“Hey!” he cries. Leaving me with a full tray, she punches his arm and walks to the back room behind the bar.

Hayden’s voice quiets the area once the set starts. After his initial banter of introduction that lights a frenzy among the female fans, his ballad of seduction starts and casts silence through the crowd. It’s rare for Hayden to ever perform a ballad of any type, so the women are paralyzed with wanting.

Unfortunately, I recognize the song.

The verse from “Kept”
by Matt Nathanson coming from Hayden’s vocal chords is unnerving. His voice is fluent and sincere as he quietly sings while only Travis accompanies him on the acoustic guitar.

Traitor.

Part of me is angered as the song’s lyrics strike. Hayden’s expressing himself through words written about a man who’s scared of letting someone in and the results of doing it unknowingly. He doesn’t know what he wants and won’t let me help him through it.

Toby sits quietly behind them, holding his drumsticks and looking at Marlee as she stands near him on the bar floor. He winks at her and she winks back. The two of them are unquestionably sweet together.

“Lacey, what’s up?” Raegan asks, looking up at me standing beside her. She’s only had one drink, so it’s safe to say she’s not tipsy . . . yet.

I send a quick look to Jenna who smiles sheepishly before answering. “Not a lot. Long night.”

“Long week from what I hear.”

“That, too.”

I take a seat at the table and offer Jenna a small reassuring nod. I’m not about to start anything with Hayden’s new
whatever she is.
He’s deemed himself free to do whatever he wants. That wasn’t my decision, but I’ll respect his.

“You guys want anything else?”

Jenna shakes her head, eyes wide. Rae nods, wanting another drink.

“I’ll be right back then.”

The music stops when the band goes on break, and I make my way back to Rae with three beers for the guys and her vodka. Once there, I feel the tension.

* * *

Hayden

My internal battle wages on. I’ve ignored my heart’s want and ache to talk to Lacey since the night I left her. It’s better this way. I’m better off without her. Just as every other lie I’ve told myself, I know if I keep telling myself this I’ll eventually believe it.

I haven’t touched another woman since I fucked Lacey the way I did. I haven’t had enough interest to put forth the effort it would take and didn’t want to risk the empty feeling I remember fucking a random can leave inside. I fear I’m ruined. Things won’t be the same, and I’m always going to look for more.

Lacey has been avoiding my eyes tonight. Every song we’ve played I’ve waited for her to notice, maybe care, but she doesn’t. She feels the same as I
want
to.

Done.

“I’m whipped,” Ace informs Trav and me as we pack up our things.

“That you are,” I state, not referring to his exhaustion. It’s the exhaustion we’ve all been feeling.

“Fuck off. You havin’ a drink?”

“Yeah, one. I have an early morning with Dad.” My dad has insisted on helping me put together a résumé. I’ve conceded to his insistence but not without reluctance.

Ace tilts his head in the direction of Travis making his way to Kate. She’s been here all night, sitting with a few of her friends at a back table. He looks to be in a big fucking hurry to get to her as he fights through the crowd around him. I wouldn’t think after what happened that night with Sarah that she’d have any interest in being around any of us. We must come off as certifiably crazy to her.

“Oh, look at that,” I tell Ace, ribbing his side as he stands next to me on stage.

Something’s gotten into Trav. Kate’s on her feet and Trav has his mouth on hers. She stills for a second then embraces him by wrapping her arms around his neck as they continue their public display in an aggressive manner.

Even Travis is better at this shit than I am. That thought is depressing. I should take a lesson from him in regards to going after what I want. If only I knew what it was I wanted.

“Have you ever seen Travis kiss a girl?” Toby asks, finally catching on to what Ace and I are looking at.

“Not unless you count Amy what’s-her-face from that camp Bean sent us to that summer,” I remind the others. “He missed her face, remember?”

Ace laughs. “Jesus, I forgot all about that. He kissed her shoulder somethin’ fierce, though.”

Toby jumps off-stage. “I’m going to grab Marlee now and head home. She’s ready.”

“We’re having a drink.” After watching Travis go at Kate the way he did, I need a beer and maybe an eye rinse.

The girls are seated at their usual table. Marlee waits for Toby, Rae waits for Ace, and no one but Jenna waits for me. It’s an empty feeling.

I take a seat next to Jenna and watch as every eye at the table lands on us. Disappointment, irritation, and resentment. I need to make my intentions clear to them. I need to be sure they understand that Lacey and I weren’t a couple. We had a good time, and still can, but just not in the same way.