Devil's Despair Box Set: Books 1-3 (59 page)

“Lacey’s bringing our order, Hayden. Maybe you should go.” Raegan’s generally fairly tolerant of who I’ve always been but obviously not anymore.

“We’re staying for a drink. Then we will,” I reply with a deliberate tone. I’m not used to being direct with my friends.

“Whatever,” she answers. Ace grabs her shoulders from behind. Her attention goes to him and she sighs irritably.

A few minutes go by in silence as we wait for Lacey. When she makes her way to the table, my chest seizes. I’m shocked at how little I was able to forget about her. Immediately, I sense my struggle with being in her presence.

“Hey, Hayden,” she greets me casually. “I didn’t get you anything to drink but can go back up.”

When our eyes meet, hers narrow. She’s pissed. I don’t blame her.

“We’re leaving in a few minutes. I’m good.” I look to Jenna who doesn’t have a drink in front of her. “Do you want anything or do you want to go?”

“I’m fine,” she states quietly.

“We’re fine,” I tell Lacey, who stares at my movement. I wrap my arm around the back of Jenna’s chair. Not because I’m being a dick, but because it’s honestly what I do. If Rae were sitting there, I’d do the same.

“God, you’re a prick.” I hear Rae’s insult hit the table and no question it’s aimed at me.

“Raegan,” Ace snaps.

“He is,” she continues on repeat. “He is.”

Lacey stands quietly, watching what’s about to happen. As if in slow motion, Rae stands as she pushes Ace away and grabs her drink. Before I have time to react, I’m wearing it.

“Dick,” she states at the same time she slams the glass down. All bottles on the table rattle in response.

I’m stunned motionless. I’ve never seen Rae act out like she just did. Jenna has already backed up her chair by the time I’m able to wipe the drink off my brow. I don’t say anything; the shock of her action and the liquor covering me stops my movement. I hear Ace snap at Rae again but she doesn’t waver.

“You’re going to grow old alone. You and Travis both. Women aren’t pawns, Hayden. You hurt her!”

Ace grabs Rae’s arm and pulls her into him. She quiets and the tears in her eyes on Lacey’s behalf don’t fall but hold steady. Lacey clears her throat when the table gets quiet. Marlee and Toby take this as a cue to walk away.

“Hayden, can you take me home?” Jenna asks, never taking her eyes off me. Guilt mars her features. She has nothing to feel guilty about.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

I don’t offer any excuse or reasons to Raegan. I’m understandably too pissed.

Before I turn around, though, I take one last glance at Lacey. Her mouth has fallen open and her face is red. I don’t take any more time to look at her than needed. The pain in her eyes expresses more hurt than I had expected.

After apologizing to Jenna all the way home, I drop her off and ensure she’s inside safe and comfortable before turning around and heading to Lacey. This is probably a mistake and it’s just as probable that Travis won’t let me in to talk to her, but I’m headed there to try.

The knock on the door goes unanswered. Trav’s Jeep isn’t here. I look inside the apartment window and notice the lights on and Lacey standing in the kitchen. She’s ignoring me.

Nice.

“Lacey,” I say into the door. “Can we talk? It won’t take long, I promise. Then I’ll go.”

“No.” The answer comes through the door and her voice is close enough I know she’s now standing on the other side of it.

“Jesus Christ, Lace. Open the fucking door.”

I imagine the stubborn woman standing on the other side with her foot cocked to the side and her hands on her hips. I let a few moments pass before I try again. Just as I’m ready to start knocking, the door swings open.

Lacey’s changed into a familiar nightshirt and a pair of men’s boxers. Her hair is casually lying in a half-ponytail down her back and she’s been home long enough to get through her evening routine before bed. Her face is makeup free.

Fuck me, she’s still perfect.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her sincerely.

“For what?”

My reason for apologizing should be obvious, but she’s going to make me explain. “For tonight.”

“For tonight,” she repeats with a cocked brow. “Nothing else?”

“Can I come in?”

“Fuck no.” She’s pissed.

I start to move toward her and the door slams in my face. I don’t hear the lock click into place, so I open it and invite myself in. She’s walking toward the kitchen and mumbling at me, “Make yourself at home then.”

Standing near the door, leaving it open for quick escape, I stare at her until she turns around and looks at me. “What?” she snaps. “What’s so important, Hayden? It’s past midnight. I’m tired.”

“I don’t know.”

“I hate that answer. It’s a child’s response. Are you a child?”

God, she’s really fucking pissed. “Stop.”

“Love to. Get out.”

I don’t answer her demand. Seeing as she’s not going to listen to anything I have to say and not knowing what I’d say anyway, I turn around and look at the porch of Trav’s apartment and talk to it, hoping she hears me.

“I fucked up. I know this. You hate me.”

She cuts me off, her tone softer than before. “I don’t hate you, Hayden. I just don’t understand you.”

“I hope we can be friends again. I miss you.”

“I can tell,” she utters under her breath. “You just don’t want to fuck me.” She states this louder; the hate in her voice delivers another blow inside.

Turning around to face her, I give her the truth I didn’t realize until this moment. “I
never
fucked you.”

“Right.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You said that.”

“Fuck. This is what I’ve been avoiding. Exactly this bullshit. The who’s chasing who act that goes with every fucking relationship people get sucked into.”

Her eyebrows rise with her question. “Who’s chasing who?”

“Never mind.”

She rolls her eyes and starts to walk toward me. “I’m bored, Hayden. Go home. Go to your dad’s. Go fuck a dozen women. I don’t care, just don’t be here.”

With her dismissal blatantly stated, I’m done. I do as she requested and walk out without looking back.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

One month later . . .

Hayden

“WHAT ARE YOU going to do with all this shit?” Sarah asks as she thumbs through vinyl record after record. My collection is dwindling as we speak.

“Tossing most of them. Take what you want.”

She holds up a classic AC/DC sleeve, that I’m going to mourn parting with, and laughs at the cover. “You and Trav really listen to this shit?”

“Ace does, too. Don’t knock it.”

“Why are you getting rid of all of it? You moving or something?”

Sarah came over to help me go through my stuff. I wanted company, nothing more. Sarah is the only one other than Marlee and Toby who is speaking to me, so at the time I thought it was a good idea to have her over. I’m rethinking this with every insult she throws down at my taste in music.

“It’s just been sitting around collecting dust.”

“Hmmm, sounds fishy.”

“You’re fishy.”

Sarah smiles at me, and I can see the hint of sadness she feels on my behalf knowing the others have sentenced me with their silence. I catch her staring at me every so often and I wait for her to broach the subject of my state of lonely. So far she hasn’t.

“Thanks for letting me come over. Ace said this was an approved outing. What the fuck ever.”

“Still grounded?”

“Still and always.” She shrugs, appearing to have accepted her punishment for attempting to act her age. “I think this is a recon mission anyway. I’m supposed to report back how you’re doing.”

“So they
do
care,” I reply with subtle sarcasm.

“Not Rae. She’s still pissed.”

I believe that.

Sarah moves to my couch and grabs the remote to the TV off the table. She flips through a few channels before finding one she likes then grabs the blanket and adjusts it on top of her.

Thanks for the help, squirt.

About an hour later, I’m finished with the music collection and I’m about to head into the box of pictures. I smile as I remove the lid, thinking of Bean and her lecture about filling my own pictures.

The knock at the door catches my attention, so I put the box on the table to answer it. On the way, I catch a glance at a sleeping Sarah. Even sleeping company is better than none, I guess.

Opening the door, I see a teary-eyed Lacey standing outside. She looks worn, tired, and scared. My initial reaction is to grab her and hug her, but I fight the urge with great effort.

“Hayden.” Her voice is haunted and broken.

“Lacey? Are you okay? Jesus. Come in.”

She steps in and looks around at the boxes. “Are you moving?”

“No,” I answer. “Cleaning.”

She points to the couch where my useless helper is balled onto. “Is that Sarah?”

“Yeah, she came to help.” Her smile is small, but there. “What’s up?”

“I . . .” She stops, catches her breath. “I need to talk to you.”

“About?”

“Can we talk alone?”

Not understanding what’s happening, I walk to Sarah. She wakes up bitchy; I’ve known this since she was small so I prepare. “You gotta go. Lacey’s here.”

“What?” She sits up. “Lacey’s here?”

“Yeah, squirt. You gotta go.”

She lays her head back on the couch and puts her palms to her eyes then stretches her body out. “Shit, I fell asleep.”

“You did. Thanks for all the help, by the way.”

She flings the blanket onto the floor, jackknifes off the couch, and huffs, “Well, you’re welcome, jackass.”

I don’t wait for her to say more; I walk toward Lacey and hold the door open for Sarah to pass through it. She stops in front of Lacey and insults me again before leaving. “He’s in a mood. Good luck.”

Hater.

After Sarah slams the door on her way out, Lacey’s eyes find mine and instantly they start to water. I’ve made it a point not to contact her to ensure a clean break, so I’m unsure what this is about.

“Do you want to sit?” I ask quietly.

“No, but I think you should.”

“Uhh, okay.”

I turn to sit at the dining table and when I do, Lacey takes two steps toward me, but stops. “I’m pregnant, Hayden.”

Her words floor me. Lacey’s pregnant. We haven’t had sex in well over a month. The last time we did, I used her body and all but threw her out of my life. I sent her away to be with someone else.

It can’t be mine.

The room spins momentarily, and I grasp the table as if it offers the support I don’t have anywhere else. “Pregnant,” I utter to myself.

“Yes. Eight weeks. Maybe nine.”

My mind races through the time we spent together. We were together around that time. My stomach drops as I ask, “Is it mine?”

Her expression changes from sad to angry. It’s not lost on me that I’ve only seen anger from her the last few times we’ve been in the same room together. “Did you really just ask me that?”

“I don’t know what else to say.”

“Well, don’t say
that.
” Her hand goes to her forehead and she rests it there while the other rests on her hip. She spins in a small circle before adding, “Yes, Hayden. I’m pregnant and it’s yours. Jesus Christ, I didn’t think I’d have to explain all this.”

“How?”

“How what?”

I accuse, my mind catching up now that I’ve allowed oxygen back into my body. “How are you pregnant?” I stand, walk toward her and look down, drilling my eyes to hers.

“You told me you were on the pill, Lacey. You told me you were clean and it was okay.”

“When I got sick.”

Memories of her sick in that bed for days and how it was me who took care of her flash through my mind. “What’s you being sick have anything to do with anything?”

“The meds. They affected the pills.”

“You didn’t know this would happen?” Again, I’m accusing.

“I didn’t think about it. I was sick, Hayden.”

“So you’re an idiot when you’re sick.”

The slap to my face stings like a bitch. She balls her hand after, feeling the burn my face left on her palm. She regroups and hits me, this time with her words. “Not for the reasons you’re implying. I’m an idiot because we were a mistake.
You
were a fucking mistake. You’re an asshole, Hayden.”

Turning around, she starts to head toward the door. Even in my confused and angry frame of mind, I was projecting and that was a dick move. “Okay, stop. Wait.”

When she faces me again, I ache as I watch another tear fall. “I’m surprised, Lacey. You can get that, can’t you?”

She looks down, twisting her hands in front of her, and sobs. “Yes.”

“I didn’t want this,” I admit; she deserves the truth.

“I know.”

“I
don’t
want this.”

“I know, Hayden. You don’t have to do anything or be anything you aren’t.”

Her statement sends me into an irritated frenzy. As long as I can remember my best friends, who I’ve considered my brothers, have expected nothing from me. Coming from her, who once claimed to have seen more, it pisses me off. “Well, that’s reassuring. Thanks.”

Her head raises and her eyes search my face. “I didn’t mean it like . . .”

“I know exactly what you meant.”

“Hayden.” She moves to step closer, but I back away.

“This is my problem, too.”

“Not really. You’re still Hayden.”

“Hayden and company.”

“What?”

“Never mind.”

“No, not never mind. Say it.”

My life will never be the same. It hasn’t been since meeting her. Since I started falling for her, my thoughts and emotions have been scattered and unstable. I successfully avoided all of this shit on purpose. Here I am anyway.

“We were done. I’ve been with other women since you. We were over.” I hear the lie as I say it; too late to pull it back. I’m trying to hurt her the way she’s hurting me. I haven’t been with anyone else; she’s wrecked my motivation and desire to ever have another one-night stand.

She did that and now she’s doing this.

I don’t want this.

Her face is set hard but her eyes are shining with hurt. I’ve cut her just as sure as the glass that sliced her leg. The scar it leaves will fade, but the memory of how it happened will never die. I mean to injure her; it’s exactly what I want. I want her world to shake with the same severity she’s done to mine.