Dialogue (37 page)

"What are you thinking about?" he asked.

She smiled. "Do you really want to know?"

He nodded.

"Everything I have to do tomorrow. The laundry, the grocery shopping, cleaning the house, weeding the flower beds..."

"Hmmmmm." Lyle munched his popcorn thoughtfully. "Did you see that the Grangers got a new car?" he asked, pointing across the street.

"Yeah, it's green, same as the car they traded in."

"Yeah, well, green's a good color."

In case you need a little help, these two could be avoiding talking about Alice's cancer. Or maybe their marriage is dead and there is nothing to talk about. Maybe there's some crazy place you can go with this dialogue that will surprise even you. Let your imagination run wild.

The perfect grammar problem. The following dialogue is way too formal for the two drivers who have just collided in traffic. See what you can to do fix it.

Pat sighed and got out of his car to confront the other driver. "It appears as though we have had a collision. May I see your drivers license and registration?"

"This is my boyfriend's car," the blonde woman told him. "He will kill me. Why were you driving in my lane?"

"I was on my side of the line. You veered over when that motorcycle cut in front of you."

"I did not veer over. I know how to drive. My boyfriend will kill me. I am dead."

"I am sorry to hear that you feel your life is over, but I need to see your proof of insurance."

"You say that like you think I do not have insurance. I will get it. Just a moment. And I would like to see your proof of insurance, as well."

"I do not have insurance."

chapter
13

[ punctuation and last minute considerations — tying up the loose ends ]

I received a call one time from an attorney whose client needed "a bit of help" with his novel in the way of grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure.

"It's a fast-moving mystery, but I know of no agent or editor who will look at it in its current form," he told me when he called. He mentioned that he was also Tom Clancy's attorney, so I figured he probably knew what he was talking about. He really believed, otherwise, in the quality of this guy's manuscript.

When I received the manuscript, I saw what he meant. He was absolutely right. It was a great story but had atrocious grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure—mostly in the dialogue scenes.

Even though I've worked on thousands of stories with as many writers over the years, it still surprises me whenever I come across a writer who is an excellent communicator of the written word but stumbles over the mechanics of writing dialogue. I guess I just think that because we've been reading others' stories for so long, we've picked up how to format dialogue so it reads smoothly in our own stories.

But that's not so at all. It's not automatic that because we've been reading dialogue for a long time we'll also know how to write it. If you want to be a fiction writer, one of the most important things you can do for yourself is to learn the mechanics of writing dialogue: where the identifying tags go, how to make dialogue sound most natural, and how to punctuate dialogue. Not knowing these simple little things is sometimes behind the writer's fear of dialogue. If you can get the mechanics down, then you can free your mind to create your story. Oh, and one more minor thing—while knowing

the mechanics doesn't guarantee you'll sell your story, it gets you much closer to the editor's desk.

The information that follows will empower you to write the kind of dialogue that will ensure you come across as a professional.

punctuating to achieve rhythm

Every story has its own rhythm, and much, maybe most, of that rhythm comes from the way the dialogue scenes are punctuated. A comma put in an awkward place can throw off a sentence and sometimes an entire scene.

I can't think of anything more important when it comes to the practical stuff of writing dialogue than knowing how to punctuate your sentences so your character's voice is authentic and the dialogue is paced for maximum effect: that unique sense of rhythm that makes the story what it is.

Excuse me if I state the basics, but I want to make sure we cover everything so you have no excuse for writing rough and halting dialogue.

• Put quotation marks at the beginning and end of every passage of dialogue.

Example: "I'm ready to go," Joanie said, standing up.

Or: Joanie stood up. "I'm ready to go."

Or: "I think I'm ready," Joanie said as she stood up. "Let's go."

• Use ellipses for words in a character's speech that trail off.

Example: Unsure of herself, Joanie stood up. "I'm ready to go..."

• Use a dash to show an interruption or a character who breaks off in the middle of a sentence.

Example: Joanie stood up. "I'm ready to go—"

"I don't think so." Carl stood in front of her, blocking the doorway.

Study the above sentences and see how every comma, every period, every ellipsis, every dash is inside of the quotation marks. This would also include question marks and exclamation marks. I've seen some published dialogue that used colons and semicolons, but personally, I think this looks rather silly, not like dialogue but a memo. Stay away from any kind of colon in dialogue.

And a word about exclamation marks. Often, new writers rely on them to create the mood of excitement in the scene of dialogue. But using them in this way is to lean on a crutch. They can be quite effective when used once in a while, when a character is over-the-top excited about something. But otherwise, let the spoken words do the work. Write the kind of dialogue for your characters that leaves no doubt in your reader's mind about the level of excitement, anxiety, or anger.

constructing paragraphs

One of the most difficult things for new writers to learn, it would seem, is how to break a dialogue scene into paragraphs. It's actually quite simple. You only need to give it some conscious thought. There is one basic "rule." Every character gets his own paragraph. This goes for action, narrative, a character's inner musings or dialogue. Everything that pertains to that character goes into one paragraph.

"And just how do you suppose you're going to break in?" Tom wondered just how much longer he could listen to Dan's stupid ideas.

Dan smiled. "I'm going to call a locksmith." He pulled out his cell phone.

using contractions

Which sounds better? "I cannot tell her about Tom," Jill said, her head bowed. "She will think I am the one who started the whole thing." Or, "I can't tell her about Tom," Jill said, her head bowed. "She'll think I'm the one who started the whole thing."

Even without knowing a thing about either Jill or Tom, we have to say the second one because it's the way we talk in real life. And this is usually a "rule" you can trust. If it works in real life, it works in dialogue. Now, of course, there are always exceptions. You might have a very proper character who
will not
use contractions, no matter what. Of course, if the character's personality or upbringing makes it so he talks in very proper English, then let it be. That's another "rule" you can trust—know your characters. But in dialogue, especially, contractions are not only okay, they're usually what sounds the most authentic. There are other exceptions:

"I did not have sex with that woman—Ms. Lewinsky." "I did not, could not, would not kill Nicole."

Even if your character normally uses contractions, there comes a time when we need to emphasize something very important, normally a lie. I

read once that, under oath, if someone testifying doesn't use a contraction when answering questions, she is lying. Interesting.

using italics

As a writing coach, I get a lot of questions about italics, when to use them and when not to. There are a couple of "rules" to help guide you.

First, just like with any other tool, you want to use italics sparingly so they don't lose their effectiveness. When you overuse any of the techniques at your disposal, you weaken their ability to communicate whatever it is you want to communicate.

Second, italics have two functions: They add emphasis and indicate a character's thoughts.

When you want to emphasize a word or a phrase in a character's passage of dialogue, use italics, and the reader will be alerted that this is important, something to pay special attention to.

Example: "There's no way he's going with
me
tomorrow, I can tell you that."

Again, don't do this unless you really need to.

When you want to emphasize a character's thoughts, whether in first or third person, use italics. The best reason not to overdo this is because when your protagonist is telling his story, virtually all of his words are actually his thoughts. If you start italicizing everything, the content of his thoughts is weakened simply because you're pointing to all of it and saying it's important. Here is where the
"less is more"
rule is effective. Italicize only those thoughts that are over-the-top emotional or where the character might have some kind of epiphany that you don't want the reader to miss. You can weave the italics right into a passage of dialogue at any point.

"You want it?" the car salesman pressed. "I'll make you a pretty deal."

Of course, Suzanne wanted it.
But I can't afford it,
she thought.
No way.

using tags

New writers are always asking me how they can get away from using
said
for every line of dialogue. They want to identify their speakers, but they are at a loss how to do it without that one word.

We do need to identify our speakers. Without tags, it's frustrating for

readers to have to keep going back ten or so lines to see who the last speaker was and then reading down again, measuring each line in order to keep up with who's saying what. We don't want to make our readers work too hard at reading our story.

Of course, many words come to mind if you're looking for a substitute for
said:
muttered, whispered, exclaimed, explained, reminded, corrected, snarled, sneered, etc. These are all good words. And then there are words like expostulated, reiterated, extrapolated, etc., that we should never use.

The very best way to identify our speakers, though, is with none of the above. What works best is to identify them with action; if it's the viewpoint character, putting his thoughts into his paragraph of dialogue will identify him as well. The following excerpt from Anne Tyler's A
Patchwork Planet
illustrates this. Martine has stopped her car at the curb to pick up the viewpoint character, Barnaby.

Martine tapped the truck horn. I almost jumped out of my skin.

"Don't do that, okay?" I said, as I opened the passenger door. "A simple 'Hey, you' will suffice."

"What's up?" she asked me. She had already cut the engine. "I thought we were trimming a tree."

"Mrs. Alford died," I said.

"No!"

I hadn't meant to be so blunt about it. I settled in my seat and shut my door. "She had a heart attack," I said.

"Well, damn," Martine said. Then she started the engine again. But she drove very slowly, as if in respect. "She was one of my favorite clients," she said when we reached Falls Road.

In this scene, the action in each paragraph identifies the speaker quite clearly. I'm uncomfortable critiquing published novels, especially when they're written by such a fine writer as Anne Tyler, but the truth is in the above passage, we really don't need any of the
saids.
The action tells us who's speaking in each paragraph. When you use action sentences to identify your speakers, you don't need the
saids
at all.