Diary of an Expat in Singapore (19 page)

The Italians bring the wine, the Spanish bring the sausages, and the Americans bring the salsa dip. May sound like a stereotype, yet it is an actual fact. I think all world conflicts should be resolved over marinated meat. Unless it’s raining. Mysteriously (and sadistically, considering the likelihood of rain in Singapore), most condo barbecue pits are not covered. So, if it’s raining, run. Forget the peace talks… it’s every man, woman, and child for himself.

If you’re having a birthday party for your kid at the condo pool, you’d better invite everyone.

Finally, no need to have your house trashed by a class of eight-year-old boys. There is an outside pool and a function room. Just remember to invite everyone. By everyone, I mean even the kid you haven’t seen for over a year. Otherwise, it is a mathematical certainty that that will be the kid having a swimming lesson at the same time as the party. Awkward. Expect your kid’s birthday list to grow at an alarming rate as the party date nears. You’ll be meeting neighbours you haven’t seen in years in the days leading up to the event. Suddenly ten kids has become 100. That’s not counting siblings. If it’s the weekend, there will be parents. Serve alcohol, you’ll need it.

Stay on good terms with the condo manager.

The manager is like a Mafia don’s close advisor. He’s the one with the power at the condo. He can find out who’s been throwing cigarette butts on your balcony (and get them to stop), he knows which apartment is for sale, how low the owners are willing to go, and most importantly he knows if the lift is ever getting fixed. You do not want to get on his bad side. And, if you’re in a real bind, emulate ‘The Godfather’ and just
make him an offer he can’t refuse
.

You only see Singaporean kids by the pool if they are having a swimming lesson.

Otherwise, they will be indoors studying. You will point this out to your kids hoping it rubs off. It won’t. Why there are so many different types of skin-whitening products at shops in Singapore is a complete mystery to me (and not just because I had never even heard of them before). No need to spend money on expensive products. They can thank their kids’ exams for their unblemished skin.

Your Korean neighbour drops by to tell you very politely that her daughter will no longer be coming on play dates.

She really needs to focus on her studies… now that she’s
seven
. However, it should be noted that when said mother drops by to make this dramatic announcement, she will also bring delicious tea and cookies, which soften the blow. Your daughter may still be sad but it will definitely cheer you up.

One of the manicurists is eating noodles behind the counter.

There is nothing more relaxing than placing your feet in warm water, closing your eyes, and hearing the sound of slurping noodles. Personally, I have no problem with this. I just wish they would give me a bowl too.

There is a Korean drama on the television.

Singaporeans are addicted to Korean dramas. So forget about the latest blockbusters from the States – if you are getting your nails done at a salon in the Lion City, you will be reading subtitles.

Nobody leaves a tip.

When I first got here, I used to tip but then I got strange looks, so I stopped. This is especially a surprise for Americans, for whom tipping is not only encouraged but expected. If you forget to tip in the States, expect the manager to come and inquire if anything was the matter. (Okay it happened to me, but just the once…)

They give you two oranges for good luck on Chinese New Year.

This may be to sweeten the blow when your bill comes and you realize there’s a hefty surcharge on Chinese New Year (which confusingly is not one single day but more like three weeks). In other words, if you go weekly, you will get three surcharges.

Some varnish colours bring more prosperity than others.

In Singapore, it’s all about fortune, prosperity, and superstition (like Southern Italy in that regard). Especially during the Hungry Ghost Festival, it is advisable to lay out little oranges, treats, and red candles on street corners and over manholes to respect the dead. The dead can be pretty picky too; I’ve seen delicious offerings that made me hungry just to pass by them. Furthermore, during Chinese New Year, there are rules as to when one should throw out the garbage, when to clean your house, even when to cut your hair. And, you do not want to mess with your dead relatives. Maybe they know my great-aunts Josie and Milly? In that case, next to the dried fish I should put out some cannoli and have Puccini blasting in the background.

You eat cheese.